[Ernabel]

Hi,

We are just starting the process of adopting a girl in China. Our son is 5 and we don't want to tell him too soon because it would be such a long wait for him.

Could some of you share how you told your young children that you were going to adopt and when you actually told them?

Thanks!

[Serena1000]

First off, congratulations on starting!


I have a 5 year old niece who I'm extremely close too. My child is really going to be more of a sibling to her, than a cousin. Her parents told her my news the day the agency gave me the OK to start my dossier. I thought, given her age, it was waaay too early but she's been cool with it. She talks about it a lot (the three of them are coming to China with me) and is very excited but good about knowing it's not happening until next year.

I guess maybe it depends on how your son reacts to waiting for other things. Some kids can wait, other kids ask each day if this is the day. Which would probably drive you crazy.

The strange thing I've noticed about my niece is that she has absolutely zero interesting in talking about adoption. My SW kept giving me lists of books about adoption for her to "prepare her" but my niece is just very matter of fact about the whole thing, and not curious at all about why I don't have a baby in my tummy. Anyone else experience this?

[Mailbox13]

Our son was adopted from Russia. He was almost 3 when we decided to adopt from China. He is now approaching 4. He knows he was born in Russia. He is very excited about going to China and getting his baby sister. He doesn't really have any questions about "adoption". He talks about going to China every so often. He wants a dragon kite.

[mom3boys]

We have three little boys ages 6,3,and 1. Our oldest son knows about the adoption and seems to be excited about it. Of course he relates it all to himself and is excited that he won't need afterschool care as Mom will be home then. He also hopes he will get money from "Chinese people" on Chinese New Year when his sister is here.
I have always been pretty honest with the kids when there is a new one on the way. The oldest has had some interest, but I don't think that he will get overwhelmed with the wait. He is too focused on his everyday activities to think about it much. You should always do what feels right as a parent. We know what is the best for them.
Marjorie

[odi]

We waited a very long time to talk to our kids. Like two months before our referral because I couldn't put off the nursery decorations any more. My boys were 3 and 5. They did great about all of it. And except for the now 4 year old wanting to have been born in China too they have always accepted all aspects. It seems to us that if they couldn't tell us if their birthday was next week vs next fall they couldn't understand the wait. We were dealing with the 5 year old getting ready for kindergarten at the time and he kept thinking it would happen the next week even though it was only March. Some kids need longer to come to terms with all the changes but I felt knowing to soon was just a weight I put on their shoulders that was really mine to carry.
Diana

[odi]

OK my post sounds much harsher than I intended. We sat our boys down and first told them they were going to have a little sister. Then we told then she was in China at an orphanage and Mama would have to travel to go get her in a couple months. They asked why I couldn't get her now and then just asked about her every few days. The hard part is having nothing new to tell them which is the other reason we waited. We are probably the exception in waiting so long. You know your child so go with what works best for them.
Diana

[oleson1]

We told our kids (who are now 7 and 5) right away. We didn't want them to hear us talking about it and think we were hiding something.
Our younger child, was like "whatever". He tells people that he will have a sister someday, but it isn't "real" to him yet. On the flip side, our older child understood it from the beginning. As time progressed and we STILL didn't have her home, he really stressed about it.

[terryb]

Our children were 3 and 1 when we started the process and our SW had asked us in the HS if we had told them and how we'd explain things to them. Our 1 year old of course is too young to understand though we've talked in general terms about it...he's going to be a big brother, he's going to get a new sister. Our 3 year old understands a bit better and is now looking forward to it. We talk about the fact that there will be a new baby in the family and that we'll be sharing toys and rooms and that she can help to take care of her new sister. We haven't said anything too specific like when it will happen (esp since we don't know yet!). We've also talked about us going to bring her home and that they'll stay with their grandparents. And we have some picture books about adoption at home we read them sometimes and there's on in particular my daughter likes.

[An Song Tao]

We told our two children (5 and 1 at the time) right away. They have always been excited, worried, concerned, just as we have been. Telling them early allows them to get used to the idea and ask about any questions they may have. Little ones will have concerns, too, but it is best to address these right away. Telling them early has allowed us to share our learning about the Chinese culture with them and, at this point, they are as excited to meet their new sibling as soon as they can!

One note, our agency requires that all children 5 and up be interviewed in the home study. It might be best to let them in on the news well in advance of this.

[journeytograce]

Our boys were 4 years old, and 20 months at the time we signed with our agency. We pretty much told them then. The now 2 year old didn't understand much, but does know he will be a big brother, and about his mei mei in China. Whenever he sees a map or globe he gets a huge grin and says in a very loud voice, "CHINA!". My oldest son who is 4 1/2 now is very much excited, and asks all the time if today is the day we get Grace. This summer we were talking about quite a bit, and wanted to include him. I was concerned at the time it was way too soon to tell him, but really it has been great. We talk about China and his sister daily. Yesterday he picked her out a book and little matching stuffed animal by Eric Carle because he knew, "Baby Grace will love it". He wants very badly to go to China to get her too. We had planned on just my mom and I going, however the more my DH and I think about it - having us all go sounds awesome! We have some time to decide. I love my kids enthusiasm and joy about expanding our family, and really am glad we chose to tell them sooner rather than later.

[Ernabel]

Thanks to everyone who responded!

Diana - I actually liked what you said a lot and it made sense to me. We would like to wait as long as possible. Our son just doesn't understand time and has no patience (I'm not sure how many young children do). We told him we were going to Disney about 10 days prior! Did you go to China yet? If not, do you know when are you going? Thanks!

[odi]

I went to China to get their sister when they were 3 and 5 (nov of 2004) My husband stayed home and my mom came with me. We hope to be DTC any day and other than a few mild would you like another sister have said nothing to our kids again. When summer hits we will be changing bedrooms around so that is when we will tell them. Even though we won't travel until next winter. Our second will be starting Kindergarten so we want their bedrooms set for a few months before that. Go with your gut. You know your kids best. I know my nephew who was 8 at the time was so worried about his cousin in the orphanage that he could hardly sleep until we got her. So my sister hasn't said much to them either. Maybe we are just supper conservitive. I wouldn't tell them if I was 8 weeks pregnaunt either. I would wait until they could tell.
Diana