[kff]

This is what my barber said to me when I mentioned we are adopting from China. Usually I am pretty thick skinned with stupid statements, but for some reason this bothered me. I guess it was the way he said it, as if adoption was an awfull alternative. Then he pressed why your wife can't have kids (which is true). The easy solution is to get a new
barber, but he gives good haircuts!

Has anybody had a similar experiance , what could you say
to something like that? All I said was "yes, having a baby is
easier than adopting". But I was thinking about the process, I know he wasn't.

[foxl]

Neutral and distancing -- "Well, for some people, adoption is easier."

You might also try humor ... or even sarcasm ... but then, what kind of haircut would you get?

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Kff..
People can be so DENSE!

My dentist was pretty cruel the last time I went. And he adopted from India. Trying to tell me all things evil about domestic adoption. It was my last visit with him anyway, because I was moving, but would've been even if I wasn't moving. I was that angered by him.

Most people don't get what has brought us to adoption when it's infertility. And even if they do, unless they are adopting or have intimate experience with adoption, they still just don't get it.

I don't know how you could handle it. Maybe the next time you go, if it comes up, you can take the opportunity to explain what a wonderful experience you are hoping it will be. Difficult, yes, but wonderful and beautiful in the end. I think I'd probably bring it up in my own way. I might even say "Gosh, you know, you wouldn't believe the stupid things people say when they find out we're adopting! As if we have any control over our infertility!!" And I bet that'll open up a dialogue. He'd probably ask what was going on, and you can give him an example (not with what he said... of course) but pick any of the others on this site.

I hit submit too soon!

LOL! Anyway, good luck. Believe me, you are so not alone in this boat!!!

[linda512]

Dropping in from the Guatemala board. Maybe just a "actually it isn't easier for some people" would shut him up. What a stupid comment.
Someone asked me last night why I was adopting and I told him the truth, I tried to get pregnant and couldn't, but then I thought, what should I say next time? I certainly don't want to tell everyone that.

[Lissa]

Ahhh. Insensitive people. Aren't they fun? At least it was your barber and not someone who actually matters in your life like a family member or good friend.

I am "legally infertile". It is what they declare you when you have been ttc for over 5 years and there is no determinable medical reason for your infertility. When I told my friend I was planning on adopting from China he asked why I wasn't trying fertility treatments first. I told him I saw no reason to go to extrodinary measures to have a biological child when there were so many children in the world who were without a home. He then asked me if I didn't feel like I was being "a little lazy". Honestly that hurt my feelings for awhile...that compounded with other friends responses telling me I was "getting a baby the easy way" etc.
Those comments as we all know who have been through this process are blatantly wrong! Adoption is not the lazy, easy solution. It is a labour...a labour of love, but still a labour.

What I would say to someone asking me Isn't it easier to just have a baby would be..."Yes, I am sure it would be, but my child is worth every ounce of the extra effort so we don't mind one bit."

[morsedonna]

Don't you just love people who have all kinds of information on things they know nothing about.

I still get the mabey you are prengant everytime I am not feeling well & the "you know that happens all the time to people adopting, they just end up pregnant".

I just want to say wow you are soooo smart

[NeshRoo]

This is interesting, b/c I am on the other (sort of) side of this. My DH and I have decided to adopt. period. It has nothing to do with "can have kids/can not have kids". Some one asked me this very same thing the other day (a stranger, mind you!!). When I mentioned we were adopting, she said "well, can't you have kids?". Like, adoption is only a terrible second option. I replyed with "well, I don't know. We haven't tried". What I was thinking was, we chose to adopt because we aren't sure how many children we want, or how we want to grow our family, but we do know we wanted to adopt. So, we're doing that! And look at what beautiful children we all have/will have!. What business is it of anyone else's HOW we grow our family??!!! (unless we choose to discuss it, say with people we love, and trust).

I would also like to say I hope this isn't misconstrued as being insensitive to ladies (or gents) who are infertile. I can not imagine the pain this must cause you. I am in no way trying to ... offend anyone. My DH and I chose to adopt because we really really wanted to. And there are so many children who need homes. I may or may not be able to have a bio-kid. Only time will tell. But, the importzant thing isn't "isn't it easier?". the important thing is we've all come to this place together, and for our own reasons. And THAT is a beautiful thing.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Nestroo, not offensive at all. I imagine it must be frustrating for adopting couples who are fertile to hear the same stuff, and to have the misconceived notion of you must be infertile on top of it! I'm telling ya, ppl are "soft as grapes" sometimes. (one of my dad's fav sayings, one of the few that make me laugh!)

[NeshRoo]

Thank you Julie. I was so afraid I'd sound insensitive! I just get annoyed (for infertile couples and well, ALL couples alike!!) when people automatically ASSUME you can't have a bio kid just because you are adopting. It also must especially frustrate infertile coupls, b/c people "know your business" when that part of your life is so personal, and yet people just make these stupid assumptions!! Or feel that they suddenly have the right to ask you STUPID questions (Like kff mentioned at the beginning of this thread!!). Soft as grape, indeed! (I LOVE that saying!!).

[Momof2boysinOH]

When I went to get my adoption physical done, my family doctor asked why we wouldn't have our "own" baby. He's a nit wit so I didn't let it bother me. I'm sure I'll get lots of those comments because I have 2 biological children and people think I should just go on and have a 3rd biologically. Some people just don't get it that adoption isn't a last resort or even a 2nd choice for me...I've wanted to adopt since I was a little girl. This is a dream come true for me. I love my sons with all my heart and soul and I will love our daughter just as much.


There will always be dense people out there who just don't get it. Hopefully as more and more people adopt, these kinds of comments will be few and far between.

Good luck!

[bluedaisy]

"My wife just couldn't stand to give up her cigarettes and vodka and waistline, so adopting is easier!"

Okay, I guess that might not be the best thing to say. Sorry you are hearing this garbage. We are preferential adopters and have been lucky enough not to hear too much of this. My mom made a comment along the lines of, "You have so many good qualities, I would think you'd want to pass those along to a child." And we told her we did, which is why we are raising children.

Could you try something like, "That's a very private question that I'd prefer not to answer." Something that lets folks know they shouldn't ask something like that.

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi kff,


Reading your post was a deja-vu moment for me. Back when we were paperchasing, I had the exact same experience. I went to a new beautician and she was making small talk. She asked if I had kids and I said that we were happily awaing our daughter from China. Without the slightest pause, she said "Oh.........why can't you have your own kids?"

Now, I hate how that particular question was phrased but I knew she was asking if we were infertile. So, I suddenly has this absurd image in my head. I visualized me sitting with wet hair and saying something like "I'd like my bangs shortened and a little taken off the back. Oh by the way, my ovaries are fantastic as is my husband's sperm count..........." Of course, I would never say such a thing.

In any case, there are moments when people will say things that are awkward. For me, the vast majority of people are speaking out of curiousity and/or are uneducated about adoption. In a few rare instances, I've had people say things with intention to hurt. It's hard to come up with hard and fast rules on how to deal with all the situations. I've had the opportunity to open a discussion and educate a person. I've diverted questions by not really answering them and I've also had to draw boundaries and let people know not to cross them.

The great thing is we have eachother to bounce ideas off of and to support. Best of luck in your adoption. Take care.

[CoatAnnHat]

Im gonna start ducking the flames before I even post! I am guilty of something similar. I had a hard time getting pregnant, but eventually did without any IVF or medical intervention..twice. trying for a third I was unsucessful. So I cant say that I know what infertile couples go thru, but I did go thru my years of trying to get pregnant and had a lot of the same feelings.. especially seeing my 16 yr old unmarried juvenille delinquent niece get pregnant. (Who actually surprised us all and turned out to be a wonderful mom) I was jealous, i was mad and i was hurt that it wasnt fair.

About 10 yrs ago the lady I babysat for had a 3 yr old. They decided that they were going to adopt a baby from Russia because she didnt have time to be pregnant again. I was pretty insensitive back then and also made the comment that she was taking the "easy way out". I have since learned thru my own adoption experience that being pregnant *in our case* was the easier way of building our family. Adoption has been stressful, uncertain and costly. No one intruded into our lives when I was pregnant like they do now. I get insensitive questions, and i just think back to how I was insensitive at one point too. Until you go thru it, whether its infertility or adoption, you really dont understand it. Trust me when I say im not the most politically correct person out there. I am known to fly off with the mouth and put someone in their place, BUT, I now, and it took until going thru the adoption process, realize that a lot of people just dont know what is involved mentally or financially. So i have promised myself that I will TRY to educate people rather than curse them out (my first choice).
Oh yeah, this was a lady who said they were in "sticker shock" over the addition unexpected final fees to complete their adoption! If someone said that to me now i would be pissed.. comparing my child to that of a car purchase!

[Princess Purr]

I hate when people say things like that. There seems to be NO easy way to become a parent for some people, like myself.
On on hand Having a baby maybe life threating for me! I had preeclampsia the last time I was pregnant and got VERY very sick. We lost our daugther two days after she was born, and I just can't imagine anyone thinking having a baby is easy. It seems like people take this little miracles for granted.
I know adoption isn't easy either. I think I would have just walked out of the salon with my hair only half cut!

[Teekay74]

Oh my gosh- since we are in the paperchase I like to use this time to educate people- so when my daughter comes she may not have to hear it. But today I was so thrown off I did not even know how to respond.A co worker of mine said" When you going to bring home Long Duck Dong"(16 candles) for anyone who did not know! I had no idea what to say. Then she continued w/ "Maybe your baby will be white" I said What gives you that idea? She says: Well I'm sure there are some white people in China. I say: Maybe- but I'm expecting her to be Chinese! How are you supposed to respond to such ignorance? (nicely anyway) Do you think there are some people that don't even deserve a response? Hope this post could be followed!. Happy New Year! Tina