[twoinblue]

I was on a call with an officer I've known for years -- a pretty easy going fellow. We were talking about his daughter and he asked about us having kids.

When I told David that we were adopting, he got very alarmed. He said that he had an adopted older brother who made his life miserable growing up because he ended up with mental problems and beat the heck out of him all the time. His brother has been in and out of prison all his life.

David wasn't ugly but he obviously thought we were crazy for even considering adoption. He shook his head and said he hoped it worked out for us. It's apparent he was vehemently opposed to adoption. I mentioned to him that the young officer he has a crush on has four adopted siblings and I could tell by the look on his face it completely changed his feelings about her.

I wasn't offended but very much at a loss for words. I felt sorry for him. I guess I need to be prepared that there are some people out there with very strong anti-adoption feelings but I'm not sure how to prepare for that. I don't think its right to tell him his feelings are wrong since he was so obviously very hurt growing up.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Julie,
I went to visit my dentist a few months ago... Oct I think. It was going to be my last visit since I was moving the end of that month across state. So... he asked how my baby was (6 months prior I had been expecting, so he assumed all was well). I told him that hadn't worked out so now we were looking into adoption.

Well. He has an adopted daughter from India. And I had no idea. I think it's wonderful. But you should have heard him knocking domestic adoption and how he's *sure* the only reason we were going domestic was to get a CC baby (not true) and that the birthparents can and will come back at any time to reclaim their baby. And that this is stuff his very well qualified, very expensive atty assured him of when he adopted 11 years ago.

I was at a loss. How an educated man can be so ignorant.

Unfortunately, you'll hit lots of experiences like this. And, on the plus side, you'll hit many unexpectedly pleasant ones, too.

For me, I don't have it in me to educate every person who is so disillusioned. I just don't. I deal with it in knowing that they just don't know and they don't get it and no matter how much I try to explain they're not going to get it, so now I don't waste my breath. If someone asks, that's a different story, because if they're asking they really want to learn. But you can't teach someone who's not really interested in learning.

Maybe your friend will become enlightened if he is able to get involved with the crush you mentioned. Never know?

Stinks, either way, that you had to have some negative vibes.

[spaypets]

Wow, interesting how one experience can give someone an attitude about an entire group.

If his biological brother had had emotional problems (it does happen) would he be so down on giving birth (oh, you don't want to have a baby--they grow up and become criminals)?

It's sad how bigotry closes people's minds.

[schuggi]

What a llimited view your dentist had. He obviously only listened to prime time news for that info. The news media hipes those stories , it doesn't touch on the thousands of adoptions that go through to the blessing and joy of thousands of couples with out back lash, it does happen every day! My question is who are those lawyers and Judges who allow in their court rooms cases, where the children are bonded with the AP and are actually allowing the BP to try to take back the children. That is where this has to stop. I am A BP, and the desire to have your child back NEVER stops BUT, that does not give me the right to destroy the security of the child I so very love and supposedly gave up for his/her betterment.Now if things are done illeglly that is a different story.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Spay!
I love your point.

and you know what, as a teen, I didn't want bio kids because of how much trouble my brothers were for my mom!

Funny that now I'm not able to have bio kids.. one of those moments where you have to say be careful what you wish for!

So true, it is sad how bigotry closes minds.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Thanks, Schuggi!

Yeah, I agree. If things are done illegally, than the birthparents have every right to fight for their kids.

I can't imagine the pain that goes into relinquishing. And the regret that can be there and the desire to do things over... I can't imagine living with that for the people who do. And I can't blame birthparents who want so badly for things to have been different. And I agree, that birthparents don't come back as often as the media suggests. Not for that reason.

I hope that open adoption becomes more accepted for people doing domestic adoptions. I don't know, maybe I'm naive, but I would imagine it really is the best way in many cases for birthparents and adoptees. I admit, I may be naive, and I KNOW I'm idealistic.. But if someone choses adoption for their child and they want to remain in their child's life... it's their right.

Anyway, I'll stop here. I can go on and on. lol. But thanks for your kind words!

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi Julie,

I think what you experienced could apply to so many situations. People tend to reference what they know from their life and way overgeneralize it. For example, I'm a speech pathologist who works with children with autism. Many times when people learn about what I do, they take their one experience with a person with autism and apply it every indvidual I work with. Back when Rainman was a popular movie, you wouldn't believe the questions I would get.

I had a similiar experience when a childhood neighbor learned we were adopting. They were a-parents who were estranged from their son who was adopted. They had strong negative feelings about adoption and were quick to caution me about what they perceived as the "dangers of adoption." What was incredibly ironic to me was they were also estranged from another son--their biological son.

You will probably run into some other people who will make some overgeneralizations-----maybe positive or negative ones. In any case, I find that there are times when this is a good opportunity to open a discussion. There are also times where I think that there is little I could do or say to change the persons mind.

Take care,