[ToothFairy]

Dear all,

Well it's been a nice rounding down to the year's activities for DH and myself. After we were DTC in end November, things seemed to have come to a slow, and we're now just taking a deep breath, and browsing parenting books at our leisure, and the occasional indulgence in baby products at the malls.

We want to prepare ourselves well for our little girl when she (hopefully) comes home with us in June 06, and I in particular am a little apprehensive and concerned whether I will be able to be a good mother. Pregnant mothers-to-be have 9 months to prepare themselves mentally for this - we want to try and do likewise!

So I'd like to invite those who have recently brought home their precious ones, or even if that was some time ago, to share some advice as to what to prepare ourselves for, especially for the benefit of those who are first-time parents!

Any sharing and comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so very much!

[kellykamp2004]

Well...my story is not a China story (yet)...but we brought our dd home from Guatemala in Sept 2004. She was 7 months old.

The biggest thing for us was....sleep....

She did not sleep through the night or take naps longer than 15 minutes. So we quickly got sleep deprived and frustrated during the day. Buy a sleep book...whichever theory you subscribe to, be it attachment or Ferber or somewhere in between...or heck, buy them all and decide which one (or parts of them) you want to use. Be informed about children's sleep issues and the possible ways to deal with them. I also recommend a white noise machine for baby's room. This helped Marissa alot..the noise became a cue for her to go to sleep. It also helped to have a stuffed toy in her bed every time she went to sleep...a comfort thing. She still sleeps with it now for every nap and bedtime (she is 22 mos now)

Also, get a couple different types of bottles/nipples/formula/rice cereal for the bottles so you can experiment with what works best for her. Even if you bring formula/cereal home from China (we did from Guat) you will eventually run out and have to give your little one "American" stuff and it can be a rough transisiton...it was for dd.

Also, expect more love and wonder than you have ever experienced before...even though you are tired...those were the absolute happiest, sky-high days of my life...even when occasionally wondered if I was nuts for doing the whole thing...I always faded back into the totally-in-love mommy within a couple minutes of seeing my sweet girl's face!!!

[Lissa]

Hubby and I brought Lydia home over 2 months ago. We too were first time parents. What to expect??? Lots of good, some bad, some in-between.
I love Lydia very much, she is my world. She laughs a lot. She is friendly with others. She is smart and she is full of energy and mischief. She has tons of personality, tons of love and I adore her.
She came to me sick...she came to me with an extremely flat head. She is well now, but hubby and I are still considering our options about her head. Know that healthy does not mean perfect. She also ihas attachment issued. She is clingy...obessively so. On her more clingy days if I stand up when she's not expecting it, she will throw herself on the floor and wail in absolute terror. This is not the typical baby howl...it is terror and I would do anything to be able to make her understand we are forever. I tell her that all the time, and the terrors are less frequent...now only about twice a week as oppossed to the several times a day when we first brought her home.
Expect getting her adjusted to the time change to be a challenge. Sleep when she does or you will not sleep at all.
Expect to possibly fight more with your hubby. You will be tired and tired can manifest into snippiness. I am one of the most happily married people I know and baby has brought us closer together as we both love her dearly, but it has also caused us to be less tolerant of one another's "quirks". Fortunately we're gooed about talking about stuff and we realize it's the exhaustion and not a lack of caring for one another...but be aware so you can combat that possible eventuality.
Expect to be happy a lot more. Expect to be worried a lot more. Expect to love like you've never thought you could ever love. But know it's not all peaches and cream and you'll be fine.

[drmalcolm]

Kelly and Lissa, what nice responses. I am always so impressed when people offer the true-life "warts and all" stories of their lives rather than pretending that everything is perfect.

Toothfairy, best of luck to you! You must be so excited to get going. I am sure you will make a great mom!

One really neat idea I've read about that may help with soothing a baby (at sleep time or otherwise) is a tape of lullabies in his/her native language. My dad was German, so we frequently travelled to Europe for extended summer trips from the time I was 18 months until I was in college. Even at an older age, being constantly exposed on those trips to a language that wasn't "mine" left me a bit over-stimulated and out of sorts. I used to live for trips into the larger cities where I might catch a few phrases of English in passing. I can imagine what that's like for a baby who is with new people on top of it.

Enjoy this exciting time, and best of luck to you!
Christina

[angelkisses0102]

Even though I have adopted twice from Russia...bringing home a post institutionalized child is pretty much the same regardless of where the child was institutionalized.

Our daughter was 11 months old when we brought her home...she was very, very very ill...actually dying but we didn't know it...we did know she was ill and in need of major kidney surgery though. She was in a terrible situation in Russia...hospitalized her entire life...malnourished...tiny, tiny...she wore 3/6 month clothes. Her transition and bonding and attachment went so smoothly...she slept through the night from day one, was developmentally advanced, started speaking English within the first few days. She went smoothly from dependency bond to normal bonding and attachment...we were so, so lucky!

Twenty months later we brought home our son...we got him the day after he turned 8 months old...he was in a great situation...for an orphanage...it was one of the best...they were fed while being held, was held a lot overall, they had diapers, enough (not a lot) food so he was just underweight, lots of stimulation, age appropriate toys, went outside every day! We have been home 21 months and he is not yet fully bonded and secruely attached to us. He has anxious insecure attachment. Our 1st 5 to 6 months home were a living hell...it took him 11 long months to go willingly to his daddy and not scream like he was being beaten. He still does NOT sleep thru the night. It is better, but it was very tough. I could not put him down without him screaming...now I still hold him much more than most 2.5 yo boys.

So, the moral of my story...prepare for the absolute worst case scenario...don't be scared...be prepared...because no matter how awful reading it is...living it is so much worse. Prepare for the worst, pray for the best...and be thankful if you never have to use what you have learned.

Also, please remember, a child who struggles with attachment does not mean the child has an attachment issue...some kids just take longer or like my son...truly do have an issue.

I have a bunch of links on attachment in infants and toddlers...pm me if you would like them. I have spent the last 2 years reseaching attachment and am sort of the 'attachment police' on the Russia boards...

On other notes, trust your gut...you will figure her out quickly...don't listen to advice of people who haven't adopted...they do not know what is normal for our kids...be prepared to find out how much love your heart can hold...enjoy just holding and staring at the wonder who is now your daughter...enjoy every second because it passes so quickly. RELAX!

All the best...you are very wise to be preparing now...

[Trace7]

I love reading these - keep 'em coming!

[nicki56]

I just happened upon this thread and I just want to thank everyone for being honest. I sometimes get irritated when adoptive parents to be don't want to admit that there will be issues transitioning their child into their homes & I am equally irritated when adoptive parents paint a rosey picture. Sorry for the rant.

We brought our daughter home at 8 months old about a year ago now. It was definately not a cake walk. Sleep was very rough the first month. She would wake in the middle of the night with nightmares. This went on for about 2-3 months and yes it does strain your marriage and sanity. She was as healthy as can be but was terrified of everything. Our family lives across country and really did not understand how bringing her up was different than any other child until we described her terrified reaction to her first rain fall. Every experience was new and this scared to the very core. I started to get angry at our relatives for providing "advice" about parenting when they did not understand our circumstances.

If you want to prepare, read as much as you can on normal child development, not just adoption info. You should have just as much info at your fingertips on adoption as you do on infant/toddler development. This way you will be able to figure out what is adoption related and what is just normal behavior. Also get as much help as possible for the first few months. If you have well intentioned friends ask them to bring you dinner a few times once your child is home. Have a family member swing by and do some laundry. I wish we would have asked for more help.

Also if you have a friend with a 12 month old, or so. Shadow that parent from morning until night so that you see exactly what to expect. This is something else I wished I did. Not for learning how to diaper, but to see just how much work taking care of a little one is - not to mention the joy. There is nothing like an open mouthed wet baby kiss.

Best of luck

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi All,

What a great topic to initiate and what great responses. I agree with all the previous posts.

I don't think I had "rose colored glasses" on prior to bringing home our 13 month old daughter in Nov 2004. I read up on attachment, post institutionalized children and what to expect during our transition. By the time I was finished reading, I was pretty much expecting the "worst case scenario" to happen. On a positive note, I found that Lilianna had a smooth transition and was attaching to us very well.

What I did find that the whole transition and parenting experience was so much "more" than I ever expected. The love, joy, cuddles, happiness was more intense than I could have anticipated. The demands, fatigue, worry and stress was also much more. Not having biological children, I do not know if this what every parent feels. However, I'd describe my daughter as "more" too. She had more love, joy and wonder in the world than I could have imagined. She also had more demands, intensity for her needs to be meet (i.e. the same clinginess that Lissa described).

What I wish I knew then, that I know now is that everything is about to change and there will be growing pains for everyone involved. It's totally ok if you feel some growing pains too. I was so prepared for Lilianna to have needs. But I was completely unprepared for me to have needs. I also wished I knew that everything would eventually become a "new normal" and my comfort level would come back.

I think you are doing a great job in preparing yourself by educating yourself and being connected in the adoption community. I think you'll find both resources very helpfull the first few months. In the beginning, you are probably going to be dedicating most of your time and energies to meeting your child's needs and establishing new routines, skills and schedules. I'd also recommend that you find a schedule that allows for a little "pamper yourself" time--and don't wait untill it's convienent. I found the occasional bubble bath with candles, music etc so helpfull. Another good friend of mine established a schedule where her husband took her child to McDonalds every Sat. am for breakfast so mom could have a little veg out time.

I hope all of this helps and I hope that it doesn't sound too negative or scary.

Take care,

[spaypets]

DD was 18 months when we brought her home from India. We had a very easy transition but it was a transition and they are always hard.

She didn't smile the entire week we were in India (first smile was on the airplane over Greenland). I held her so much those first few weeks that I wore a callous on my left forearm.

She hated the bath and would scream bloody murder -- at the end of the day it was just awful. I finally bathed with her.

DH and I were exhausted and short tempered at first. And yes, like Lissa said, we sometimes sniped at each other. Honestly, I think we had a tougher time adjusting to parenthood than she did adjusting being our daughter. She slept through the night, ate well, and after those first couple of weeks didn't even seem anxious.

But we did a number of things right, including:

--Cocooning for a while. The first few weeks we just worked on getting a routine down (this included balancing the needs of our dog--our puppy started chewing so we had to start supervising him again!

--hiring a cleaning service--a toddler needs a lot of attention and this way we could give it to her.

--taking 8 weeks off work and going back with short weeks (even though DH was a stay at home dad). DD needed to get to know us and we needed to get to know her.

It's important to know about attachment parenting and to realize that you can't necessarily parent the same way you would if you'd had the child from birth. We held DD a lot more than most 18 month olds get held. We used a bottle until she was 3. We didn't leave her with anyone else for 6 months and it was a year before we hired a non family sitter.

But also realize that not all children had difficult adjustments. Really, my dd has adjusted beautifully and quickly (she's 4 now). Sometimes is is mostly roses.

[Teekay74]

I love reading and learning from everyones experiences! So far we have seen a lot from people who have no biological children. I have a bio 6 year old daughter. I would like to hear from others how their experiences were w/ other children at home. I'm a little worried about my daughter being jealous, since she has been an only for so long, and I know how much care our new baby will take. Though- she is really excited! Tina

[drmalcolm]

Here's a bump for this thread from another Tina.

I have a nine-year-old biological son, too, Tina. While he's also really excited, I am concerned about the adjustment for a child who has been an "only" for so long. I'd be interested to hear what others have to say, too.

I will say that I've been pleasantly surprised since my sister had a baby. My son, the first and only grandchild for 8 years, loves being with his cousin, and my nephew (who is now about 15 months) adores him. Granted, this is not an "in the house" relative, but it's a good step.

Will your daughter accompany you when you travel to pick up your baby? An agency rep has admitted to me that many adoptive parents find having their children along for the pick-up trip really helps the situation. Apparently the babies really respond to a smaller person--I guess they aren't as scary as us big sniffling overly-emotional adults!

No matter which country we choose to go with, I am planning to take some special gifts for my son to occupy him on the plane and in the hotel and to make him feel special, too.

Best of luck!
Christina

[Lissa]

Will your daughter accompany you when you travel to pick up your baby? An agency rep has admitted to me that many adoptive parents find having their children along for the pick-up trip really helps the situation. Apparently the babies really respond to a smaller person--I guess they aren't as scary as us big sniffling overly-emotional adults!

This may be totally off topic for this thread, but since it got brought up I wanted to comment on bringing children with you when you adopt. I personally am a first time parent so I had no child to bring along...but two of the others in our group did. One was a biological child who was 16 years old and extremely helpful to his parents, sister and the others in the group and the other was a previously adopted child who was 4 years old. Gracelynn was an absolute joy and she was an inspiration to us as we made our way through our 2 week journey. Hearing where she had been and the struggles she had been through and seeing where she was now made everyday easier for us and helped us to see on the tougher days how much joy we were in store for in the future. She also benefitted greatly by not only being a part of her sister's process but seeing others and their journey towards becoming a family. I bonded with her on the trip as she would share her snacks with Lydia and tell her secrets and stories. It was a beautiful thing to have those kids around...to see them go from tentative and jealous (yes BOTH of them) to loving caring helpful children who adored and protected their younger siblings with a ferocity that was compelling. I know it doesn't always work this smoothly...that jealousy and bonding can and does often take longer for siblings...but I feel blessed to have been a part of that process if only for a couple of weeks. It was incredible to watch.

[Teekay74]

I would really like to bring my daughter w/ us to China. She will probably be 7 by then. I think it would be an unbelievable experience for her. And- well it is about becomming a family! We will have to see what happens. I do not want to miss the first 2 weeks of 1st grade. It is a big adjustment being in school all day. BUT it really isn't bigger than a sister. Who knows what will happen! Unfotunately finances will probably play a big role in the end. A lot of times you hear negative things about bringing other children. It's nice to hear something positive! Thanks-- Tina

[hcromwell]

I think it's wonderful that you have the desire to learn as much as you can prior to bringing your daughter home.

We've had our little girl home about 5 months now. We were lucky as our transition was very, very easy compared to so many other people. The biggest issue we had was Madison being extremely attached to us for the first month or so. She would scream bloody murder if we walked out of the room. I made it a point to let her know I was still there, but not picking her up and coddling her every time she cried. I was determined not to raise a child that needed held all the time.

She is much better with this now and only on occasion breaks down if she's left alone. I've noticed with her now it seems to be when she's just tired.

Speaking of being held all the time, that's another thing we needed to take care of. Our daughter was in foster care and, according to the paperwork we got, was held and walked around when she was upset, and she got upset when she didn't get what she wanted. So, we had a bit of a spoiled baby to deal with.

Another thing I NEVER thought of was teething! Madison got 6 teeth in slightly over 3 months. There were many nights that she would wake up a few times through the night and just scream. We were lucky as she would usually only do this for a couple minutes and, if we left her alone, she would go right back to sleep. The teething days aren't fun, I have to say. She gets cranky.

One recommendation I have is to get her on a schedule asap and stick to it as well as you can. Madison gets really really cranky and clingy for a couple days after her schedule is messed with. Monday she was a bear after all of the rushing of Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

That's all I can think of right now. All I can suggest is read everything you possibly can. Oh, and I agree, try not to listen too much to people who have kids, but who haven't adopted. They tend to not understand the differences between children from another country, from orphanages, etc. compared to a child born and raised in the US.

Hope

[mythreesons+]

Let me say up front I don't yet have my China baby but I do have bio experience. Yes I do know that an orphanage baby has had a different life experience than a biological child.

It seems to me that a lot of issues that people are concerned with are found with bio children too. Babies/toddlers go through periods of clinginess only wanting their Mom/Dad crying at the mere thought of someone else touching them.

And as for sleeping or should I say not sleeping I would dare say most babies are not great sleepers. I think sleeping stories are something that parents tend to embellish in order to prove the greatness of their baby. They may say oh she sleeps through the night when really the baby finally goes to sleep at midnight and gets up at 5am.

Yes I know that attachment issues are real but I don't want to get so hung up on focusing on my future daughter as an adopted daughter and all the potential for problems that encompasses that I lose sight that she will be my daughter first and second happens to have been adopted.

Our plan is to treat our future daughter as we did our three bio sons, wearing her a lot in a sling, co-sleeping and generally spending a lot of time meeting her needs. Do I expect it to be easy? no; but most the great things in life take a lot of time, energy and hard work.