[MissyAmomChina]

Hi All,

Not sure if I'm being overly sensitive or what. But my feelings were hurt today. At a play group, people were discussing our upcoming weekend plans. I shared that we were looking forward to celebrating our 1 year anniversary of getting our daughter. Dh is giving her a small gift that he purchased in China. I'm creating a charm bracelet for both of us (mom and daughter) and adding a charm to the bracelet each year to represent the year. (Since I didn't travel to China.)

One of the gals I'm closer to in the group said "Well, you know I'm happy that you adopted. But I just can't support international adoptions." So, I said "Why not?"--though I was pretty sure I knew the answer before she said that. She replied "Because there are way too many of our kids who need homes."

I know we all get comments from time to time that aren't welcome or kind. However, this one really got to me. I think it's because it was from someone I considered a friend-and I guess I think a friend wouldn't have done that. I know I won't change the world and their opinions--but I guess I didn't expect that to happen either.

Thanks for listening,
Melissa

[spaypets]

Wow, Melissa, I don't blame you for being hurt. It would be one thing if your friend had said this while you were considering adoption, but what she's saying now is that she doesn't approve of your family. I would think long and hard about continuing the relationship.

Secondly, her premise is fundamentally flawed. Your daughter was in an an orphanage. She had NO family. Children in the US don't live in orphanages. They live in families. They may not be permanent families but they are families.

[Trace7]

Wow. That's so insensitive. I am so sorry. So - did this person adopt domestically? Or did she have a biological child?

[cfc]

That is hurtful and insensitive. Have you found the local FCC yet? I think you will find the playgroups with other adoptive families much more welcoming than that! Adoption can bring a whome new world of friendships your way with people that share the love you have for children everywhere.
cfc

[arolloseco]

What a horrible thing for you to have to hear. I don't think there are any excuses for someone saying something like that. I don't blame you for being upset-if it were me, I wouldn't continue the friendship, and I'd tell her why. I'd also provide information for her on domestic adoption, since I agree-there are children all over the world, including here, who need homes-and it sounds like she would be interested in being part of the solution to that problem.

[SuzanneS]

I can't believe that a friend would say that! I once read that when someone got that comment they replied to the offender, "why then did you have biological children, seeing how there are so many in the US that need homes?" It is a perfectly logical way to answer someone. Unless they adopted domestically, then they have done the same thing they are accusing you of, which is not adopting an American waiting child.
I prefer to think of it this way, children in foster homes or group homes here in the US inherently have WAY more opportunities than a child in an orphanage in China, especially girls. Now I know that there are children in the US that don't get the love and attention they deserve, but it is totally different in China.

Thinking about it though, answering that way may just rile the other person up. Perhaps if it is ever said to me I will have to answer with something like "I am sorry you feel that way. You'll understand that I can't support the playgroup now, as my feelings are very hurt." and then simply get up and walk away.

As much as it hurts us, know that the way you respond will ultimately be reflected in your child's view of her self worth.

Suzanne

[stephdpenn]

Melissa,
You are not being overly sensitive. It is one thing to hear something like this from a stranger but from a 'friend' is just not exceptable!
I agree with arolloseco, provide her with info an domestic adoption. That is the thing about people who say things like this, they are full of opinions but would never step up to the plate and actually do something about it. God made all children and loves everyone of them. In His eyes they are all the same. It is such a shame that the rest of the world can't see things like that. I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. You do have real friends here though.

Stephanie

[soontobethree]

I found with infertility and with adoption people say and ask the dumbest things.

I love the response ""why then did you have biological children, seeing how there are so many in the US that need homes?"

THAT IS SO LOGICAL!

[Shoshana]

Yes, it was extremely rude, and ignorant. One (inappropriate) comment that comes to mind is, "oh, I'm so sorry to learn that you suffer from brain inversion syndrome." Yeah, inappropriate, but her response was way out of line.

It appears to me that the issue of Chinese kids (or kids from any other country) being more "needy" than US kids is not the point -- nor should anyone have to "justify" why and how they formed their family. It sounds to me like she's being nationalistic, and perhaps racist, so no rational comment is going to make an impact.

If this were my (ex) friend, I'd have to explain to her, and everyone else in the play group, why I chose to terminate my friendship and participation in the group.

[andrea]

I really like Suzanne's response to these people that have biological children instead of adopting one of those children that they profess to care so much about. My father just told me that his sister who died last spring and who I was really fond of said basically the same thing to him about our decision to adopt Sarah from Korea. Even though she has been dead for months this hurt me. I wish she would have talked to me about our choice and I would have explained the reasons we made it because she really was a kind and giving person. I think people really either get it or they don't. I especially love how those people always say "our" kids when referring to the children who need homes in the states.

Andrea LID 5/24

[CoatAnnHat]

I too am sorry that people can be soo rude! Here is the best response to that statement that I have heard yet.. it was posted on one of the boards..

Someone commented the same thing to a woman in the process of adopting internationally and her reply was this::
*OMG!!! (happily) Thats sooo wonderful that you are also adopting!!!! (practically jumping up and down)
*Response was "ummm no, we arent adopting" with a funny unsure and uncomfortable look on their face.
*OH, IM SOO SORRY, i thought that when you said you were concerned there were so many unwanted babies in this country with no homes that you were actually doing something about it!
I believe the questioner was left dumbfounded!
This isnt verbatim of the conversation but you get the gist... I LOVE it and have filed it in the back of my head, just waiting to be able to throw it out there someday!

[knadlersachs]

CoatAnnHat, You crack me up! That's an excellent response!

[jdr233]

Melissa,

First of all - great idea about the bracelet and adding a charm every year.

Your "friend" is sadly a small minded person. Unfortunately, there are way too many of them for my taste!!! With a small minded person, I think only a small amount of time should be spent dealing with them or any small minded thing they might say.

Jennifer
NYC

[mythreesons+]

Well dumb and uncompassionate people are everywhere.

I don't think this lady is smart enough to have an adult conversation with you about adoption. One way to look at this situation is that it is a gift to you that you now know how she feels so you don't need to waste even 1 more minute building a friendship. This knowledge frees you to put that time and effort into a different person that will love you and your daughter and can be a real friend.

Cindy

[ahfdragonfly]

Too bad stupidity isn't painful! It's a shame that this person felt comfortable demeaning your family. I wonder if she was a nasty cheerleader in high school? (sorry if anyone out there was a cheerleader, bad memories.)

I think I would let everyone else in the play group, that you will no longer bring your child to a group where you feel that your child / family is being looked at as "un-approved", and where the statement came from. Maybe the others would be more supportive, and "not support" the other woman.

God Bless,
Millie