[Trisha2]

I love this response: ""why then did you have biological children, seeing how there are so many in the US that need homes?""

I'll have to remember that one in case I need it someday!

I don't understand when people make comments like that - do they really think there are that many babies in the US that are available for adoption? Are they aware of the age restrictions for domestic adoptions and all the other things about it that make it so difficult?

I agree also that people who say those types of things must either be nationalistic or racist.

[odi]

I think the most hurtful thing about her comment was the use of "our children". The thing she never will get is that your daughter is our children.
I have not had such comments since our adoption (just a few before) but our biological kids have been asked "you meen thats your sister? (mostly from cofusion over the differant races) I am so proud of my boys when they reply "yes that's my sister, I really love her." At that point they either get it or they never will.
Good Luck finding more positive friends to suround yourself with, you deserve better.
Diana

[drmalcolm]

Hi Melissa. Very sorry about the comment. You must have been especially hurt because this was a friend, not just a random person in a doctor's office or at a ballgame.

I've read some threads about this on other forums and listservers. While I guess there are a lot of witty or clever things one could say to put a person in his/her place, the line I've seen that I keep coming back to is, "This was the best choice for my family." It doesn't leave a lot of room for comebacks except, "Well... why was it the best choice?" It opens the floor, if you have the time, to educate one more person. And I do feel that if someone bothers to ask why, he/she may be honestly interested.

I also like this response because it does not offend. I do not have the desire to be anything like the person who has hurt me with his/her offensive comment.

There was a suggestion to find a local FCC chapter and see what kind of playgroups are available. This is a nice option, and maybe it's the best option for some. I personally think, though, that it is important for us adoptive moms to maintain our sanity and our sense of continuity with our lives as we know them. I don't want to leave a place where I want to be because my daughter and/or I may not be totally accepted. We need to find ways to cope with ignorance so that we are not the ones making all of the concessions. I want for her to learn this while she is young.

Anyway, Melissa, congratulations on your one year anniversary. I hope your special day was not overshadowed by this experience.

Best,
Christina

[jt421_2000]

I had the same thing this week ...the comments went..I am so glad I had my kids when I was younger and now I have my time for me ( could that be that her husband ran around on her when the kids were young and she did all the careing of them) Should I have said OMG are you still was with so and so after all these years of cheating? Then went the kids in this country vs the kids I am and have adopted. I look at it as their problem. We will not be chatting any time soon.

[Sean&Shan]

I really don't think people realize how offensive their comments are. I hope this is the case with your friend.

I have had the reoccurring situation where people with biological children try and "empathize" with us and say "we've always wanted to adopt domestically. There are just so many children who need homes".

Well 1. our adoption is not a charity case, we want a family. I don't like that it is somehow construed as us doing something "Charitable" because, quite frankly, that was not a real motivating factor as much as my uncooperative uterus.

2. I do think there is an inderlying tone of "children here could have used your help too"

And 3. Almost all of these coworkers and friends mean that they can see themselves adopting healthy, caucasian newborns. I hate to be the one to have to break the news to them, but those aren't the children waiting around for years to be adopted.

Sorry, I know that this is a little off topic and not the cruel comment your friend made to you, but I have just had this type of comment rub me the wrong way one too many times and I needed to vent.

I know that it is never meant in a negative way and I just try and educate. But I would have to be a little snippy with your girlfriend- she was just plain old mean.

[MBA62]

I have to say, I agree with all of you. When we were waiting for our referral, a friend of mine asked me if I could love our new daughter like our bio children. I was dumbfounded since this woman has two children she legally adopted from her first marriage and subsequently had two bio children. When I brought this to her attention, she got red in the face and said she meant because this daughter would be Chinese. I was more shocked then before! I just replied that all my children are loved, regardless of how they came to our family. I am watching my youngest daughter play with her older brother and see no differences. He loves her unconditionally as he does his other sister. These people could learn a great deal from our children.

God Bless!
Mary

[foxl]

Just wanted to add my sympathy -- nothing great to contribute ... but yes, I too remember that line about, "Oh, wow, are you adopting domestically? Isn't that great, I had no idea! Congratulations!" It is definitely field away for my next ignoramus encounter! It was a Dad on the Guatemala board, BTW.

[Niccum]

I would be hurt and upset by this. I would be pretty darn angry too! I would have probably said something like "well then you go ahead and adopt domestically, just don't cry to me after you have had her for 6 months and the birth mother comes to knock on your door."

Mind you, when you are face to face in a situation like this, you don't know what to say until you have walked away and you have gotten over the shock!

I am sorry she hurt you like this. I have been asked twice why we chose China vs the US. I tell them all of the reasons why and try to educate them. If someone turned to me and said they couldn't support me on it, well then that's a different story altogether. You can't support my choice, you don't have a space in my life! I support all of my friends, even when they are walking right into the fire and won't listen. That's what a real friend does!

[meimaemomma]

Congratulations on your anniversary! How wonderful.
I'm so sorry someone said something so hurtful to you. As everyone else has already said, she's misguided, misinformed, and as we say in our house she has no filter. I'm amazed that she would say that to you - especially if she hasn't or isn't adopting domestically. It's just bizarre. You shouldn't have to explain, educate, or defend your family in a moment when you were sharing an upcoming joy with people you thought were friends.
I hope you are able to find or form a playgroup that can celebrate your special family with you.
And please don't let it taint your joy. Your family is a miracle, and it's just as it should be.

[KarenInCa]

And did you ask her how many children she's adopted from the USA? hmmm...she hasn't? How about how much money she's donated to organizations for children in need?
I have a friend that adopted from the foster care system, and she wouldn't have done it any other way, this is HER daughter, and she knew it from day one. BUT, the child was in foster care with a woman that was making a living out of foster children. She was kept in her play pen or crib all day, and had very few clothes when they found her in the foster care system, yet the woman doing the foster "care" was getting $700 per month to "care" for her, and she had 4 others in her "care" as well. Her birth mother is a drug adict, and she has a younger bio brother that has issues related to this. The moment she saw this little girl, she knew it was her daughter, but she has gone through a lot of work to bring her through the issues around all of these things.

Children are children. How can one child be valued more than another? If someone has it in their heart to take part in the life of a little person...bio, adopted, domestic or international, and if they can truly say they can impact the life of that child in a positive matter, then who is this person to tell you that it's wrong?
Her words were stated in ignorance, and I would bet she has not gone outside of her own comfortable box to make a difference in the life of a child other than her own bio children. She has no right to chastize you or blame you for the foster care system.
I would not be sad if she made that comment to me, I would be mad!

[SummerMommy]

Originally Posted by MissyAmomChina

One of the gals I'm closer to in the group said "Well, you know I'm happy that you adopted. But I just can't support international adoptions." So, I said "Why not?"--though I was pretty sure I knew the answer before she said that. She replied "Because there are way too many of our kids who need homes."

Melissa, are this woman's children adopted domestically? If not, maybe you could point out to her that her reasoning could easily be applied to those who choose to have children via natural pregnancy and birth rather than adopt. Some people hold others to a higher standards than themselves.

I would hope that you're now a bit less close to her and her unpleasant opinion. But I totally understand why your feelings were hurt. Mine would have been too!

[Lissa]

I'm a call a spade a spade type of person. (I get in trouble alot though) and I think I'd be telling my ex-friend I don't want my child playing with the child of a parent who is a racist xenophobe. If they were a good friend (hard to fathom as their comments were incredibly judgemental and hurtful) I might go into the whole history of domestic adoption with them and why I chose international as oppossed to our flawed domestic system...but again only if I really wanted to try to salvage the relationship.

[mkinzie]

I agree with Lissa. I would have a hard time talking with her again even if she needed to be set straight. I would also wonder too if she may just be a jealous and petty person. Who knows maybe she would have something to say if your daughter had blond hair or you dressed your daughter a certain way. Some people are like that. There is just no pleasing them.

On a happy note. Congratulations on your first anniversary! I'm LID as of 10/13. I'm in the depths of despair b/c there are so many rumors about referrals taking longer now. Hearing about your anniversary added a cheery note to my day . Melissa

[foxl]

mkinzie has a good point -- Jealousy also crossed my mind ... does this woman feel that your beautiful daughter gets an unfair share of attention, f'rinstance? I bet if you scratched her surface ...

[MSCGarrett]

I experienced something similar when I was out in the field practicing for war- a service member, this week. Why we practice for war when we are at war is one of the seven wonders of the military. Anyhow-

I bust out with my new book Daughter from Afar to read with my flashlight to try to forget about my frostbitten toes at 3am. The person next to me asks me what I'm reading, I explain that I am going to be adopting from China. He says to me, "There are white children in America that need homes! (pause)... and black children." How ignorant is that? I replied back, "Then you adopt them then." He replies back, "I have my own children." So then I say, "then that's what you chose to do. Don't be dogging me out."

It pretty much ended there because I wasn't going to take it. So, the lesson learned is that even in the fog of practicing for war, people will still have the dumbest comments on earth. Take care.