[e.schepman]

Hi!
My husband and I have just picked our agency and have started filling out the intial application to get things started. We have always known that we were going to adopt, even before we were married. Although now that we are actually starting this process, I feel like he just doesnt possess the same sense of urgency that I do. Not that he's not excited or having second thoughts (at least I hope not...), he just doesnt seem to display the same level of interest. He's content to let me do all the research, read the books, talk to others that have been through the process, etc. He'll listen to me and discuss things related to the adoption, he just never initiates the conversation. I've told him my concerns and he assures me that he is excited, but I guess I just wish he was as into it as I am so I could feel like I'm sharing this experience with him. Is this something that seems normal? What has everyone else experienced?

[jasonsmom]

I think it's normal as I hear the same thing at our Waiting Families meetings (which I go to but DH doesn't). I'm a planner and DH is very laid back with a "when it happens, it'll happen" attitude which drives me nuts. I did all the agency research, organized our paperwork, let him know what he needed to do and when. When I told him referrals are taking longer, his advice was "Just don't think about it." He will be an awesome dad to our daughter just as he is to our son but I do wish he wanted to be a bit more involved during the waiting part. I end up talking to people on the yahoo groups alot.

Paula
DTC 8/10/05
LID 8/30/05

[happynifer]

my dh is the exact same way. i hand him books to read and he never bothers. i guess that's the way our brains process things differently....

[abracadebrah]

Are we married to the same man??? You described my husband perfectly. It must be a man thing.

[odi]

Add us in. This is our second adoption and he is doing a little more but he has yet to read more than a couple chapters and I have read probably 10 books. I have done 80% of the paperwork and am on the internet all the time. Somewhere I read that generally one spouse drives the process and since it's being done the other kind of sits back.
It is actually a very good thing latter while parenting to have two styles. Your child we learn and experience much more because you aren't the same. It is really hard during the wait. Last time we missed a batch of refferals by a day (other agencies got refferral past our LID). I was devastated. I felt like it ment we never would get our daughter and I could barely function. If my dh hadn't been able to keep things moving smoothly we would have been in real trouble. One year latter he is a great dad and our diferance continue to help.
Diana

[CoatAnnHat]

This is a second marriage for both of us, we have three kids between us. I have been talking adoption for the last 14 years and when I met my husband that only made me really want to persue it. He finally came around and said OK, I left all the brochures around and highlighted everything for him to read... i dont think he has read one line! I have done all the paperchasing, i told him which line to sign and where to show up for fingerprints. When the HS started, he answered all the questions with humor and the SW said he was going to be a great father!
I think for some it takes having your child in your arms to feel that excitement that others already have...

[kelleymac]

Yep, totally normal. My husband was the same way about all the "details" that came along with adopting our son from Guatemala. He was fine to let me do the research, paperwork, etc. It worked for us because I'm so detailed that I would PREFER to do it so I know it's done right. (no control issues here, folks. )

The good news is, our son has been home for about 18-months now and I have difficulty prying him away from my husband. He is the most devoted, wonderful father I have ever seen and Jonah thinks the world revolves around his cool daddy.

Hang in there and find your support from a variety of places. It worked well for us.

Kelley

[GoingtoChina]

That's completely normal! My husband was pretty much the same way. Granted, now that we are leaving for China next week (11/17)... He couldn't be more excited. It's a wonderful thing to see him with such a huge smile on his face when he looks at the pictures of his daughter. It warms my heart.



Kelly

[drmalcolm]

Hi e. and others,
I became ready to adopt in 2000, but my husband just finally came around. We have a 9-year-old biological son, and it seemed that my husband really needed to work past the whole "if it happened once so easily, why isn't it happening again?" He likes the facts. Unfortunately, we've been diagnosed with unexplained second-child infertility, so he didn't get any facts or explanations there! We were about to do one round of IVF (done everything up to it), but were hesitant to put money we really didn't have into something that might not be a sure thing.

One night over Labor Day weekend, I showed him a photolisting from Guatemala and said, "Oh look, this little girl is still available...I've been looking at her for months. I love her eyes." I expected his normal sort of impatient reaction, but instead, my husband walked over to the computer, looked at her photo, and said, "She's 2 1/2--I like that idea. Let's do it." HUH?! After 5 years? I almost passed out, but I didn't ask questions, I just emailed the facilitator. We were very excited, but it seemed that things were moving too quickly and seemed suspicious. We hadn't even sent in an application or one reference and we were being told how to send money. Thanks to this board and another listserver, we narrowly avoided getting involved in something that could have led to a lot of heartbreak. It was still devastating having to come to the realization that we couldn't risk things for this little girl after we thought for 5 days that she was going to be our daughter.

My husband had to be out of town the whole week we were finding out these unfortunate things about the facilitator. I was very touched and impressed by how he threw himself into the process of trying to figure out if we could still adopt this little girl another way, what could be done, if things were really as bad as they seemed, etc. While we ultimately did not get her, I saw how much he could become attached to the idea of another child--up until then, I had feared he may have only been doing it for me.

After that fiasco, we went to an informational meeting for a China-only agency. My husband wanted nothing to do with the touching stories or anything, and I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach that he was going to say, "This just isn't for us." He was almost rude he was acting so impatient. But then we got to the cost, the process, the facts, etc. We left the meeting and he said, "Okay, that sounded good. Let's go with them and with China."

I think it is just a gender thing. And I do know my husband does a lot more worrying about money, planning for the future, etc. I realized too how protective he was of my feelings when the first adoption did not come to fruition. Hang in there... as others have mentioned, the devotion will come. It's stressful for both of you to get through the "paper pregancy!"

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded. I just felt as I had written some of your posts!

Best of luck to you all,
Christina

[foxl]

This sounds simplistic, but I think men are a) more concrete/visual, and b) more apt to withhold an emotional commitment until they are confronted with the concrete/visual child.

With our first I felt like I had to drag DH by the hair through each step, despite his voiced approval/enthusiasm for adoption. Now she is his widdle-snoogy-woogy-pookums to the point I must remind him that his gooey overindulgence is not healthy for her!

With #2 by the time we got a referral (yes we got a referral FIRST, but only after switching countries, same agency), we had to work fast so it was not so bad with him.

On #3, he took the initiative and decided we needed to adopt a girl from China ... but I bet I will drag him through, once again!

So, yeah, normal, typical ... and annoying! Congratulations on getting started!

Oh, and hey, Christina -- Iwish the agencies would get a clue that emotional-appeal presentations can be off-putting, especially to MEN! And for anyone who feels burned by anotehr agency, of course.

We went with an agency that gave a totally informational presentation. And they have been WONDERFUL for us ... TWICE!

[e.schepman]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. I feel so much better just knowing that I am not alone in this. (These messages boards are great. I have been lurking around for a while, not saying anything. So glad that there is a resource like this out there for adopting parents.) I learned that I couldnt have children at an early age, and I was always up front about this with my husband from the beginning. He always said that adoption was something he was looking forward to, I was just afraid he was having second thoughts now that we were starting the process. I agree with the whole gender thing, too. My husband is a much more visual and concrete thinker too, and it was wonderful to hear that once the child is actually there that other spouses were goners from the start!!

Thanks again, everyone!
e.

[Trisha2]

I think we must all be married to the same man! No wonder my husband is tired all the time!

Before we were married we had decided that if we had kids we would adopt. We've been married 5.5 years and while when we first got married I wasn't quite ready to be a parent yet, I am now.

I'm a planning type too and my husband doesn't like having to deal with any details of anything until he absolutely has to.

He says he wants to do it, but doesn't get as excited about it as I do.

I think a lot of his concern is money issues, he makes enough but is afraid of never being able to retire (he is 45), that kind of stuff. I understand the concern but I think if you worry too much about everything you never get anything done, which I'm guilty of with lots of things too!

[TaraL]

Yes apparently we are all married to the same man. I did all the researching, all the paperchasing, and all the planning. My signed where I told him to sign, put stamps on stuff that had to be mailed and attended every appointment he had to. At first I was alittle annoyed but then I figured that too many hands in the dossier only increases the possible mistakes. We had to wait for 4 months for our I171H and as I was crawling the walls my dh simply said "It will happen when its suppose to happen." Ugh! Of course now I know he was right.

Anyway when we got to China and was handed our beautiful Olivia he turned into a different man. He took charge of everything. Thankfully he did because I ended up with bronchitis 2 days after getting Olivia. I was too sick to do the paperwork for the consulate--he did it. I was also to sick to go for her physical in Guangzhou--he did it all by himself. He took care of everything.

I think this is all normal what your husband is doing so don't worry. I think it doesn't all seem real to men until they are holding their little girl in their arms. That is their time to shine!

[SadieAnn]

My dh had really cold feet when it came to actually starting the adoption process. Then he got on board but never showed same enthusiasm I did. I would talk about adoption at any opportunity, then take a breath and he would talk about what was on TV. It did concern me. Then we had a baby with us for 5 wks and lost the placement. We went on to adopt our son, but again dh was much more detached during the process. Regardless he had the same emotion as I did for the baby we lost... and he thinks the sun rises and sets in our son.

Now we planning on China for our 2nd and final adoption. Once again (even after all we've been through) he isn't nearly as engaged in the process as I am.

But now I've seen it all before and know not to worry. It's just his way versus mine. I can see from the other posters here we aren't the only ones married to this man.

Good Luck!

[waiting4babies]

It is normal, so do not worry. I actually completed 100% of all of our adoption documents and he was just there for support.