[JCE]

I just want to introduce myself, I think we may actually start moving down this road soon
My husband and I have bio children through IVF, but still feel the desire to add to our family. I hope talking about bio kids is OK here, is it?
We have been waffling about really deciding to do this, and how to do it for a while. I have always felt that I could 'see' myself adopting a daughter from China. We thought about Russia, to avoid racial issues, but with all the confusion about adopting there, plus the feeling I had (not feeling motivated to go there), my husband is coming around to the idea of China. He actually went out and purchased 'Adoption for Dummies' the other day, as a surprise to me! Hmmm, is he trying to say something?
We have yet to find an agency, we live in NY and would like to use a NY agency, to simplify things. If anyone has any rec's, I'd love to hear them! Anyone live on Long Island?
I am enjoying reading posts, blogs and visiting the websites you all link here, thank you! I have alot to learn.
Now, I have a funny story for you all. I am no stranger to stupid comments from people in regard to my family (we have a slightly unusual situation, fertility challenges, IVF, multiples,etc), but today DH got a real doozy! And from a very good friend, who is intelligent and well educated. DH was discussing our plan to adopt with this friend, who then commented that he was concerned for us, that we would not know the psychological condition of a child coming from an orphanage. He told us of a family he knew who adopted 2 boys, one young and one a little older. He said the younger boy adjusted well, but the older one was always 'trouble'. And that when they grew up, the older boy killed his parents!!! I dont know if this is even a true story, but.... why tell DH? as a warning? that adopted kids are more prone to patricide? whaaaaaaaaat? I am stumped by this one. I wonder if he was trying to be 'funny'
Anyway..... wish us luck, please!
Thanks!
Jen

[knadlersachs]

Hi,
I saw your post and I actually grew up on Long Island (until I was 6 years old, anyway). That's some crazy story that guy told your DH! But then again, my mother's best friend from college adopted 2 girls (both adults now) who've been nothing but trouble (legal, financial, physical, mental). So my mother likes to remind me of this on a daily basis. Don't let it get you down, though. You just get to your own comfort level and then decide what to do.

After YEARS of discussion, one bdaughter and one miscarriage (we weren't financially or emotionally prepared for the IVF route) DH and I have recently decided upon China. Our application was just accepted through CCAI and I like to think of myself as "in the first trimester."

All the best to you. This China Forum is amazing. You'll learn lots here!

Regards,
Karen

[Tsmom]

Welcome to the board and China adoption. You made the right choice!!! A great movie to watch is "China's Lost Girls" you can get it on Amazon.com
It is the best! Also, Amazon has many great China adoption books as well.
With the internet, you don't need o have an agency close to home. I live in California and my agency (which is great by the way) is in Oregon.

Anyway, don't you just hate it when they point out that someone is adopted, especially if its bad?! Why don't they ever say "And the parents were killed by their bio children" ?
When Roberts was introduced by Bush as a Supreme Court canidate, his children were introduced as "his adopted children" like it makes a difference!!

Nona

[SadieAnn]

Welcome! We just finalized the adoption of our son via domestic adoption. He's 5+ mos now and with us since birth.

I find it interesting how people like to jump to conclusions. If a kid grows up being a rebel and getting into trouble and he's was adopted then of course his issues have to be because he was adopted. Years ago my sister who raised 2 kids on her own after a painful divorce use to say the same thing. If her boys stepped out of line there were certain people she knew who always liked to drop their 2 cents that they were probably having problems because of the divorce. Like it could never be for any other reason!!!

But for all the people who like to think the worst we've had LOTS of support from people who think adoption is a great way to build a family. You'll find lots of support here!

[sak9645]

Blame it on the media.

Most internationally adopted children do very well, just as most biological children do very well. Over 20,000 children are adopted from other countries by Americans annually. Do you think this rate of adoption would continue if a huge percentage of the children turned out to have major problems?

It is true that attachment disorders are not uncommon in post-institutionalized children. You ought to become familiar with this small medical risk.

These children have experienced a major loss -- the loss of parents -- at an early age. They may have concluded that you can't trust parents to stick around.

They may have learned not to expect anyone to comfort them if they are sick or hurt or if they have a nightmare, since orphanages are often understaffed. They may not have had many kisses and hugs in their life, and may even have come to associate touch with abuse.

But the fact is that most of the attachment disorders in internationally adopted children are relatively mild and very treatable, with or without therapy.

A child may simply have to experience the fact that his/her new Mom or Dad will always come to comfort him/her, if he/she awakens from a bad dream. He/she may have to practice some exercises designed to promote eye contact and enjoyment of being held. He/she may have to practice seeing a parent leave the room and come back, time and time again, so that he/she loses the fear that Mom or Dad won't come back.

He/she may have to be helped to learn that it's inappropriate to give hugs to strangers, and that his/her parents will not "give him/her away", just because he/she behaves badly on some occasion. In short, he/she has to learn that families are special, and that families are forever, and that conduct which worked in an orphanage setting may not be acceptable in a home environment.

Unfortunately, there ARE occasional cases of very severe reactive attachment disorder. While they occasionally occur in bio children, they are more common (though still VERY RARE) in adopted children.

In very severe RAD, a child fails to develop a conscience. He/she will lie, steal, and hurt people and animals without a sense that he/she is doing wrong. He/she will never develop an attachment to his/her parents, and can walk away from them without a look back, if told that he/she must enter residential treatment. He/she may act overly friendly to strangers, often to manipulate them.

A child with serious RAD may need to be moved from his/her home if he/she poses a danger to himself/herself and others. And, unfortunately, the prognosis for a child with severe RAD isn't good. He/she may never be able to live a normal life.

So, guess what! It is NOT the thousands of healthy children who appear on the nightly news. And it is NOT the success stories about kids who have learned to trust and love that show up in the papers.

It is, of course, the story of the one child in thousands that makes the headlines and gets the airtime. It is the story of the child who sets fires, tries to molest his/her siblings, attacks his/her parents with a carving knife, throws the cat out the window, and steals anything that isn't nailed down that is given banner headlines and prime time coverage.

You can imagine, therefore, what the average person remembers about international adoption. Not the beautiful Russian child who became an outstanding American student-athlete at a top college, and who later went on to become an extremely skilled doctor, that's for sure.

What the average person remembers is the story, like the one your husband's friend told, about the adopted child who murdered his father.

And, as a result, the average person who hears that a friend is about to adopt internationally may feel compelled to give him/her warnings about the bad things that may result.

Most of us have received these warnings during our adoption process. We have to learn, where possible, to counter half-truths with facts, and to "blow off" people whose minds can't be changed. It's not easy to do, especially when we are already a little nervous about making the decision to adopt.

It DOES appear that there are fewer cases of severe RAD in China adoption than in adoptions from Eastern Europe. But plenty of Chinese children come home with at least some attachment issues. These kids are not going to kill you, but some might need therapy to help them develop healthy interactions with you.

Those of us who have already adopted know that the rewards of adopting far outweigh the risks. So familiarize yourself with the risks, but don't be deterred by them.

Sharon

[Hopeful Gal]

Hi Jen, welcome aboard! I'm from Queens, NY myself, but now live in Arizona. My Dad still lives on Long Island and I make it back every couple of years or so.

Your agency doesn't have to be local....ours is in Kentucky. Just find one that you're comfortable with.

I agree with TSMom's suggestion to order China's Lost Girls from Amazon. It's a great overview of China's overpopulation issues and it shows some families on their China trip. Another very informative video is "Adopting from China, a Video Survival Guide." This one is step-by-step through the process, begininning with your paperchase all the way through the travel and back home. News reporter, Rebecca Coates, is the narrator and it's her personal journey.

Best of luck to you!
Donna
www.waitingforlaurenelizabeth.blogspot.com

[SadieAnn]

Donna,

We have the Losts Girls video. I'm curious where you find the Survival Guide video you referenced?

[JCE]

Thank you all for the warm welcome! I will be sure to look for the Lost Girls video and the survival guide. I hope to go to a few seminars nearby, then decide on an agency. There's a meeting in November called "Meet the Parents", in Sag Harbor for you LIers, that I plan to attend. So, one of the agencies I will consider is New Beginnings, another migth be Wide Horizons (thank you P&D, for the message). If anyone has input on these agencies, please, please, let me know! Thank you
Sharon, thank you for taking so much time to discuss attachment disorders with me, I am aware, but not too worried.
I look forward to getting to know you all better, and celebrate your joys with you!
Jen

[chinagirl2006]

I'm an IVFer too! Unfortunately none of the 3 tries worked. But we're so thankful adoption is an option.

Here's that other video http://www.adoptingfromchina.com/

[Tweets]

Hi Jen!
I'm also from LI! I'm in St James. What part are you from?
I recently got started and submitted my initial application to my agency (which is not in NY) last week.

Best of luck!
Theresa

[MBA62]

Hi Jen and welcome. As always, Sharon offers wonderful insight. You will truly enjoy this forum. We had a long talk with our agency about attachment and health issues of adopted children. We were aware but like you, not worried. Our daughter came home two months ago(at age 10 months) and so far so good. She has bonded with both my dh and I, as well as our older children. Her health is fine and she is just a happy little girl. Every one of our friends and family has commented on her sunny disposition and apparant love of her new family. She is especially fond of Daddy. When she hears his voice, like when he comes home from work in the evening, she just about gets a whiplash trying to see him in the room. It's so awesome to see. Her smile means the world to us.

To add to the "stupid comments" portion of this thread....I was at the store recently with my daughter. Behind me in line was a mom from my older child's school. After looking at my daughter she said: "I didn't know you did babysitting; do you watch other children?" I just smiled and said "No, this is my daughter. My two older children are in school". She smiled, said she was cute and walked away. I've gotten a lot of "is she adopted" but I hadn't been asked if I was babysitting before. But she's my angel and that's all that matters! We'll deal with the odd ball comments one at a time!