[Momof2boysinOH]

Hi,

My husband and I were talking about this tonight. I imagine the babies have a pretty tough adjustment to make when they come home...new faces, new smells, new time zones. For those of you who have brought your daughters home, do you have any advice on how to make the adjustment easier?

My husband plans to travel to China alone so that I can stay home with our 2 sons (they'll be 3.5 and 2 when our daughter comes home). My boys will miss their daddy like crazy, but I'm sure he'll be really worn out when he comes home and all he'll want to do is sleep. My mom has offered to come help out for a week after our daughter comes home. How long do you think it will take for the baby to be on our sleep schedule? Weeks, months?

Also, do the babies usually have colds or other bugs when they come home? What about parasites?

Mary
Mom to 2 bio sons
Only 3 more months until the big 3-0!

[Crackerjack]

Hi Mary,

I've seen your posting on my waiting to be 30 thread...not sure if you remember, but I completed an intl adoption at the end of 2004.

I can tell you that our adjustment with our son was much easier than anticipated. And you will be surprised at how much of your natural instincts will just kick in. Some people say you should never leave the house until after weeks of being home. That really didn't work for us. Our son loved to be out and about and seeing new sights. Some children need more one-on-one time and others (like my little guy) was ready to see the world!

Our son had no issues adjusting to the time zone in a matter of 48 hours, but didn't sleep in his crib by himself for 6 months. Each child (as I am sure you know with your two bio sons) is so different. But don't spend too much time worrying about the adjustment. It's an adjustment for everyone and it's amazing how much of that motherly instinct kicks in! Just remember to go with the flow.....

Smiles,

CJ

[Momof2boysinOH]

Thanks, CJ. My boys started sleeping in their cribs once they could roll over so I hope our daughter will be fine in a crib. I'm not comfortable with an older child sleeping in bed with us, since they could fall out of bed or we could roll over on them. Not safe!

I appreciate your input. I've been in baby mode for the last 2 years so I'm prepared to take care of another baby, but it will be a matter of juggling 3 as opposed to 2. Can't wait!


Happy 4th!

[Crackerjack]

Happy 4th to you too Mary!

Your boys are just too cute! I am sure they will love having a little sister watch over! And I admire you courage to take on 3! Our son will be 4 when we bring home our little girl (2008) and I'm hoping I will be able to juggle two!

[soontobethree]

Our daughter was 17.5 months old when we brought her home and she only wanted her crib. In fact, the first night in the hotel I tried to have her sleep with me but she wanted nothing to do with that! We have had her home 3 months now and she is sleeping all night most nights. When I say "all night" I mean that we don't have to go to her. She does "grumble" some when she wakes during the night but it's only a tiny whine.

Maybe it was because of the lack of sleep on the airplane, but she adjusted to our schedule immediately. We arrived in the US at 7:00 AM so it was perfect. She had her normal nap during the afternoon and went to bed when we did. One ironic thing was that at first she did not want to be held while she slept, but after being held on the airplane, the first couple nights she wanted me to hold her some during the night. I think this was a blesssing as it added more precious bonding time for jsut me and her in her new home. We had her in the play-n-go crib the first couple nights and once we put her into her crib in her room she was quite content and did not demand to be held so much during the nights.

In our case, I traveled to China and my husband stayed home with our other two children. She had not been around men at all and it took a week or so before she wanted anything to do with her Daddy. Thankfully, he is a very patient and quiet spirited man, otherwise it could have been worse. She is a bit shy around strangers but is getting better and is less shy around women. Men who are not her Daddy, are having to be very patient with her.

She had no 'bugs' or illnesses though some children from her SWI did have scabies.

Something that a friend told me was to make sure that I held her bottle from the very first and to make sure that I held her like a newborn (so she could look at my face) even tho she might fight it and regardless of her age (assuimng she still takes a bottle of course.) Apparantly this is a key factor in the bonding/adjustment process. This friend adopted twice from China and she regretted not knowing this with her first daughter.

I'm sorry for my wordiness, but before I adopted I wanted all the info I could get and had not discovered these boards very far ahead of time.

Melanie

[Tsmom]

Melanie,
You got your daughter at 17.5 months and she still used a bottle? We should be getting our daughter when she is 18 months and I was only going to bring sippy cups. How long was she on the bottle?
Nona

[angelkisses0102]

Mary~

Our two are from Russia but...adjustment is adjustment!

Our daughter was 11 months old when we brought her home...she was hospitalized the entire time...malnourished, very little stimulation...very sick little girl. However, her adjustment went so smoothly and was rather quick. She slept through the night the first night home...she bonded and attached very nicely...we did not cocoon her.

Our little guy turned 8 months old the day before we got him...he was in a great orphanage...was undernourished (but had Giardia)...had great caretakers...4 to 1 ratio...24/7...he was used to being held...they even gave him his bottles while being held...had all sorts of stimulation with toys...ball pit...walker...swing...they even took them outside daily...all year round!!

He has anxious attachment...still doesn't sleep through the night... ...and he's been home 15 months! Luckily we knew he was having a hard time attaching and began to work with him immediately...first 6 months were very, very tough...next 5 months were better...once he was home 11 months, he finally accepted his Daddy...the past 6 months have been great and he is finally attaching properly.

The best thing anyone can do is be prepared for the worst case scenario...learn about attachment parenting...we did this with both our kids. You never know how the process will go until your child is home.

I also feel, IMHO, that their personality will play a huge role in their adjustment period...our daughter should have had the issues, yet she didn't...our son should have been fine...and wasn't.

Just be prepared...

[soontobethree]

She is 20 months old (tomorrow!) and still has a bedtime bottle. Our pediatrician does not stress about them having bottles at that age and we also feel that she has gone through so much changes and adjustment that it would be unfair of us to take it from her even at this point. We found that her clothes and her bottle were a big comfort to her in her strange new world. The first 18 hours we had her, she did not want her clothes off. We got the top layer off, but left on the bottom two layers of clothes until bedtime. We saw other families who immediately changed their babies into the clothes they brought but we felt it better for our daughter to let her stay in her familiar clothes. Since returning home, we have found that the stroller we bought in China is also a comfort to her. When I leave her in new situations (at church or at the gym child care) sometimes leaving her in her stroller has helped.

We all have our ideas of what is "right" for child rearing, but I encourage you to leave some of those behind while you are in China and do it "their way" while you are there. It will reduce your child's stress immensely I believe.

Regarding sippy cups, we were advised before going to China, and found it to be true, that the babies have likely never seen a sippy cup before and won't like it. The orphange brought a bottle when they brought her, along with a written outline of what she ate when. She is and was a great eater, eats anything we give her, but still likes her bottle at night. She was having 3 bottles a day when we got her.

Melanie (mother of 3 beautiful children who were born in Asia)

[dangerlucy]

My daughter adjusted quite well. She was a pretty good sleeper when we got her (at 10 1/2 months old) and would sleep through the night. It took about a week to get her (and us!) back on U.S. time when we got home. It was a very rough week getting her adjusted and I often had to sleep with her out on the couch just so BOTH of us could get sleep. But after that, she has been a great sleeper!

She is also one who doesn't like to stay cooped up in the house long, and we did go out on a few short trips/visits the first week we were home. We were both going stir crazy! She loves motion, so getting in the car and driving some place soothed her.

She was very healthy as well when we got her and besides two ear infections and two colds in the five months she has been home, has continued to be healthy.

Like someone else said, it is going to differ greatly so just be prepared for anything!!!

[MissyAmomChina]

Hi,

Our daughter came home at 13. 5 months. By the time I had finished all the reading on what adjustment issues could happen, I was pretty scared and worried what our experience woul be like . I'm happy to say our family's adjustment went very well--and--it was also a lot of work. I think that was for 2 reasons for us. One, we were first time parents and it was all new. Two, I really felt this time was critical in meeting our daughter's needs and teaching her she was in a safe place where she could trust us.

Regarding sleep, it took us about 8 nights to get her on a do-able sleep routine (about 5-6 hours though the night). It continued to improve over the next 2-3 weeks. She always has slept in her own crib and sleeps about 9 hours without waking (after the first 3 weeks).

Our daughter was a happy, inquisitive, and loving little girl when she came home. (She still is) I found that she responded very well with a balance of--very routine home life--with fun short outings (i.e. a walk around the mall in her stroller, swinging in the park for about 1 hour in the afternoon). One challenge that we did find was our daughter was so interested in all the new activities she often fought her naps. If I had to do it all over again, I think I would have really established a nap routine a.s.a.p.

One thing I think that really helped our daughter, was preparing our friends and family on how we would like them to approach our daughter. She was friendly and interested in people. She was very snuggly and liked to be held by my husband or myself from the moment we met her. However, she didn't want any people besides us to try to pick her up, reach towards her or touch her. (In my opinion it was a good sign for establishing her attachment) Don't get me wrong, grandmas and grandpas were around her a lot from the beginning. They just really did a fabulous job at not being grabby and letting physical contact be on her terms. In my opinion, it was a wonderful way to establish trust. I did find that a lot of strangers were very interested in our daughter and would often reach towards her, pat her head, stroke her back while she was in my arms--and I very quickly got comfortable with saying nicely "She's a little shy and doesn't like to be touched."

All in all, I'd say it was a very exciting time full of a lot of wonderful experiences. I'd also say it was pretty exhausting. Happily, we found the first 6 weeks the biggest challenge and then everything became our "new normal."
\
Hope this helps,
Melissa

[Momof2boysinOH]

Thanks so much, everyone, for your responses!

angelkisses0102--Do you have any recommendations for books on attachment parenting?

soontobethree--I can top you! My son is 27 MONTHS OLD and drinks milk in a bottle. He was down to one bottle at night at 20 months old, but then his baby brother was born and he regressed a little bit. Whenever I sit down to feed his brother, he wants a bottle. It's frustrating! He drinks water and juice in his sippy cup but he wants milk in a bottle. I will sometimes tell him no and not give him a bottle, but then when his daddy is home he gives in and it's too tough to wean when both parents aren't on board. I figure we'll have to wean him off the bottle soon or he's going to have problems with his teeth. Do you know what the treatment for scabies is? You mentioned other babies had scabies when you picked up your daughter.

Thanks, again!

Mary
Mom to 2 bio sons
Starting paperchase for China in 3 months!

[SummerMommy]

We've read a ton of blogs and corresponded with hundreds of new China parents via boards like this one and have walked away with the opinion that you can't really anticipate what your child will want or need until you get her.

I have no opinion about sippy cups or bottles or cribs or co-sleeping or routines or visitors, etc. I don't know if she'll like to be held or like to go for walks in the stroller. I don't know if she'll be anything at all like my son or like any of my neices or nephews (each of them were totally different too!). I'm afraid to try to anticipate anyting right now because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if it turns out that she doesn't fit into the picture that my mind has painted.

I have a few friends who went through as much as six months of hell after returning from China with their new babies. But gradually things improved and everything worked out fine. They consider the agony of those months to have been totally worth it and wouldn't change a thing.

Another friend has a perfect child in every way imaginable except she wakes up 5 times per night and neither of her new parents have had more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep in four months. But they're all smiles even though they have a few extra dark circles under their eyes!

We'll get our referral this month and (hopefully) next month we'll travel to China to get our baby girl. Then we'll find out what she needs from us and we'll make decisions about the best way to provide it. Until then, we're just mentally preparing for *everything*!



Summer

[sak9645]

Let me comment on the sippy cup issue.

China's a huge country, with lots and lots of orphanages. So there is enormous variation in the way babies are nurtured there. And, just as in this country, there's enormous variability in toddlers' personalities, likes, and dislikes, too.

My daughter, who was 18.5 mo. old, was in Xiamen, a prosperous and Westernized Special Economic Zone in Fujian province. Her orphanage was well-funded, and even had foreign volunteers.

The orphanage told me very little about my daughter's likes and dislikes, and my daughter was terribly shut down emotionally from grief and shock. So I really had to scramble to figure out what she preferred.

At our first meal together, I ordered milk from room service, and put it into a nice baby bottle. I thought that she might find a bottle comforting, even if she had already transitioned to a sippy cup or cup at the orphanage.

Well, when I tried to hand it to her -- and was rewarded with the most amazing SNEER you can imagine. This child, who was practically a robot in her grief and shock, gave me a look that said, "What the H*** do you think I am? A BABY??"

Fortunately, I came prepared with sippy cups and regular cups. When I poured the milk into a sippy cup, she picked it up and drank thirstily. She was totally familiar with sippy cups -- even the Playtex ones, which require too strong a sucking action for some kids.

Later on, I learned that she could not use a regular cup at all, but that she could use a STRAW very nicely.

When adopting a toddler from China, I'd strongly suggest that you bring all sorts of options for feeding, toileting, etc. Yes, it will take up luggage space. But it's better than having to run out and start shopping, when you want to be meeting your child's needs and bonding with her/him.

Sharon

[sak9645]

As to illnesses.

Orphanages are like day care centers or classrooms -- only worse, because the kids don't go home at night. If one child has bronchitis, it is likely that most of the children will get it at some point. If one child has scabies, a lot of them will soon be scratching. And if one has Ascaris (roundworms) or Giardia, alas, that nasty parasite will be in a lot of intestines.

Most Chinese orphanages don't have the resources to take kids to the doctor as often as we do in the U.S. So when kids have minor illnesses, they may well not get treated. And if they are treated, they may not be treated according to American standards. So they just run their course, and get passed around.

So, yes, you may get a child who has minor illnesses. And you may find that most of the children of the other people in your travel group will have the same ones. The good news is that most of the illnesses can be easily diagnosed and cured.

My daughter had two ear infections, bronchitis, sinusitis, scabies, and pinkeye when I got her. Everything except the sinus infection cleared up within a week, once we got to her pediatrician at home and got some prescription medications. The sinusitis required a second antibiotic.

My daughter also had problems gaining weight. While her stool tests came back negative, I'm not convinced to this day that she didn't have Giardia, which can cause this problem. And it wasn't until much later that she was tested for Helicobacter pylori, a common bug in orphanages, which can cause tummy ulcers and food aversion.

My daughter was 18.5 months old when I met her in China. Today, she is 9.5 years old. She is totally healthy.

And what's interesting is that she has rarely gotten sick with even minor illnesses. For example, she never got an ear infection, once the ones she had in China were cured. She gets maybe one bout of strep or bronchitis a year. We visit the pediatrician mainly for her annual physical.

Don't sweat the minor illnesses. Get your child to the pediatrician within 24 hours of arriving home, to get medicine for any acute bugs, to have weight and such recorded, and to ask your doctor questions based on your experiences in China. Then, after your child is over the bugs, go back for serious testing and for immunizations.

Practice good hygiene at home, to avoid passing bugs to others. If you suspect that your child has parasites, practice scrupulous handwashing after diaper changes, and try to make sure that your child doesn't touch her undiapered rear end and then touch toys or kids. Oh yes, and don't faint if you see a worm in her diaper. That's probably Ascaris.

If your child has a respiratory bug, it may be hard to keep your other children from catching it. But, again, frequent handwashing will help, since many cold germs are passed from one child's hand to another.

Don't let anyone who has not been immunized against Hep. B change diapers or deal with nosebleeds and such, until you know for sure that your child is negative. There HAVE been cases of kids who were listed as negative in China, but who turned out to be positive. And Hep. B can be a serious illness.

Scabies should be treated as soon as possible, since any close personal contact with the child could cause the mites to pass from her to you or your other family members. Scabies won't do anyone lasting harm, but the itching is intense, and you don't want to have to treat everyone, wash lots of bedding, and so on.

The treatment for scabies is a single application of a prescription cream, probably Elimite. You put it EVERYWHERE on the affected person, from the hairline to the soles of the feet, with special attention to the folds of the body. You leave it on all night and then wash it off in the morning.

Do NOT repeat a scabies treatment unless a doctor who is very familiar with the mite tells you to do so. The medicine is very strong, especially for young children.

In most cases, one application will kill all the mites and stop the itching. However, your child may still report feeling itchy after the application. Although there CAN be resistant mites, it is more likely that she is having an allergic reaction to the body parts of the dead mites, which are circulating in the bloodstream.

This itchiness can last for weeks, in a few cases, and using more Elimite won't help, since it is simply a bug killer and can't deal with the allergic response. You can use an antihistamine, such as Benadryl or one of the less sedating medicines that your doctor may prescribe.

Sharon

[soontobethree]

A great book on attachment is "Toddler Adoption-The Weavers Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best.

You might check with your doctor before leaving for China and see if he/she will write you a prescription for the cream for Scabies treatment.

Melanie