[caseymunn]

I also posted this on the Int'l Support forum (who our lovely Lissa is hosting by the way) but I thought I'd ask it here, too.

We are beyond excited about adopting and have absolutely no doubts about what we're doing and why. My family is also very happy about the adoption. My sister has already been buying Olivia (our future daughter) clothes and my brother is saving up so he can travel to China with us to get her!

My problem is, how can I get my in-laws excited? They haven't said anything "bad" about it, they are just sort of leary. They just sort of ignore it when we bring it up in conversation. They have three biological grandchildren (including our son Jake) and they are absolutely crazy about them. I'm worried that they may never get on board with this and I certainly don't want them to alienate our daughter when we bring her home from China. Does anyone have any advice as to how to light an adoption fire under their rears?

[Marshie]

I've began to notice lately with my own family that whenever they give me grief about something, or if they are just really less than enthusiastic about something I am excited in, its usually because they are deep down afraid that they, I, or someone else they love will get hurt somehow by it. Perhaps they are guarding their emotions because they feel adoption is risky, and it may "fall through" and leave you empty handed? Maybe they are afraid of you getting your hopes up because of that reason? Or, perhaps they are frightened for you and/or the baby because of racial and social issues you will all have to face because of the transracial adoption (assuming you are not asian also). Not meaning your parents are racist of course, only that perhaps they want to shield you and this baby from the hurtful comments that will come your way, and protect anyone from being teased, including your bio son. Our parents grew up in a different generation where transracial families were far less commonplace than they are today, so it is probably a bit scary for them deep down.

What I would do is to let them know that chinese adoptions have a much lower chance of falling through than a domestic adoption. No birth mothers are going to come at the last minute and take them back, and China isn't going to change their mind at the last second and suddenly say no to you after you have the plane tickets in hand. Then I would let them know you have thought about the racial aspect of this very thoroughly, and let them know how you plan to protect yourself, your daughter and your son from all the idiots out there who will try to bring you down.

Good luck!

[Sean&Shan]

I agree with Marshie, her reasoning seems sound.
Of-course, I'm pretty abrupt, so I would probably come out and ask if there was a specific hesitation or problem they had, mentioning your own concern that she will be loved and accepted like the other grand children.

I mentioned on another thread that our entire extended family has watched the National Geographic/ Lisa Ling video and I think it really helped them understand the process more and of course all the kids are adorable. My mother and my mother inlaw also read the Karen Evans book which they both loved and helped them have a better understanding of the process and how easy an adopted child can be welocomed and loved by a family.

I hate to be crass, but I know for my mother it was all about seeing cute little Asian kids. I know that she had a very specific, white/blonde hair, blue eyed, fair skinned image in her head of what her grandchild was going to look like (this will be her first). After all, that's what all her kids looked like and I am married to a blue eyed blonde as well. She had to look for and actually see little Asian babies and toddlers so that her mind's image could be changed. It took a little time. Now when we are out shopping she will pick up an outfit and say, "Wouldn't think look cute with her shiny, dark hair?". She is totally on board.

I don't think it is so much a "racial thing", or even her being shallow. I think it is that mental change that was needed. We go through life dreaming about life's big events: proms, weddings, children, grandchildren, houses, retirement. We get images in our mind that we look forward to. Whenever there is a dramatic shift from what may have been expected we need to allow people some time to adjust and reform that image in their minds.

Maybe this is the case with your inlaws? Just another possibility.

[caseymunn]

I do think for the most part it's just their fear of the unknown. I'm ordering the Lost Girls video today and I'm going to set up a time with them (when my 2 year old isn't running around like a lunatic taking up their attention) and have them watch the video and then discuss with them our reasons for adopting from China. I'll also take over all the info about our particular agency so that maybe it will make them feel more at ease knowing that we're not just out there hanging on a limb all by ourselves.

I live in the deep South where mixed families are still looked at strangely, so I'm sure that's a worry for them. Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't even think of us as being a racially mixed family. She's just going to be our daughter who happens not to have blonde hair and blue eyes like our son. I hope I'm not being naive to think that most people will be accepting of our beautiful Asian angel.

[bthomas9500]

Casey,

We're in the "deep" south too and my MIL was really shocked when we told her about our plans to adopt. Not necessarily the adopting part, the Chinese part. We ordered the NG DVD about 8 months ago and sent it to my in-laws to watch. After seeing it my MIL was TOTALLY on board. She's knitting a blanket now and always brings up the adoption when we talk.

I think the comment about perceptions was right on. When you (and your spouse?) made the decision you had talked and thought about it for a while. When you tell others, it's usually a "this is what we're doing" kind of conversation. I'm sure my MIL imagined us having a daughter with big blue eye, like dh and to hear that her granddaughter was going to be Chinese was a bit of a shock. Once she was able to incorporate a different face into her thought process she was good to go.

I think if your in-laws are on the leary side you've got a great chance to swing them totally!

Brandy

[dangerlucy]

Casey,

Depending on your in-laws, you can always do what I did...nothing. Okay, let me explain. My in-laws really like me. But they just don't think my DH is responsible, yada, yada (he had his two kids in his early 20s and married too young and then divorced.) They weren't thrilled about him having another child. We had told both his parents and my parents on Mother's Day 2003 and my MIL's reaction was less than pleasant. I rarely brought it up after that, but sometime she would, just to make negative comments about it. When I told her at one point we were considering special needs, well, let me just say again her reaction was pretty heartless. My FIL said NOTHING throughout the entire process. I didn't know if he hated the idea or just didn't care.

Fast forward to referral time. I gave them copies of her referral pictures. They seemed to soften a bit when they actually saw her photo, but not much. My FIL was the only one who then started asking questions. My MIL turned silent. Even the day we left for China, my MIL wouldn't even speak to my DH. I thought "whatever, I guess she just won't get to enjoy my daughter when she comes home."

When we got back from China, my FIL was there waiting along with my family at the airport. I couldn't believe it! He took a look at her and said how cute she was, etc. He didn't stay long, but I was glad he was there.

Fast forward to now. My FIL is SMITTEN with her! I cannot believe how much he adores her! The man who uttered not ONE word about it prior to referral. My MIL has been more than accepting of her, which is what I feared most. I was afraid she would treat my daughter differently than her bio-grandchildren, but she doesn't. In fact, they are excited they get to babysit her tomorrow night.

Sorry so long, but just wanted to share my experience. Just give them time. Don't force the issue. It will take time to accept it and that might not even happen until they get to see her and hold her.

Good Luck!!!

[twoinblue]

My Mom has been very excited about our baby but I did get my feelings stepped on this week and am still a little sad about it. She has three grandchildren -- 3 boys and 1 girl and the youngest is now almost six.

My younger brother informed me this week that he and his wife are expecting their first child in January. I am very happy for him and delighted that my daughter will have a cousin near her age. He then said that Mom told him that she hopes he has a daughter so there will be another little girl in the family. I did not let that show how much that hurt my feelings.

I told him that his child would be born about the same time we got our daughter from China and he looked upset and joked that we were trying to steal his thunder. I reminded him that we have been expecting our baby a lot longer than he has his but there is a little attitude that it is not as significant because I am not giving birth.

I try to be mature and not worry about these sort of things but things like this still hurt. I have a great husband who reminds me that we are adopting this baby for us and no one else. (He also thinks my brother is an idiot).

I find it helpful when people post their stories of the reactions they received from family when they returned so thanks for taking the time. I can see that all this stress will be worth it when we finally get her home.

[SofiasMom]

My father also had nothing to say during the wait. And for awhile he said he had 2 grandchildren (my sister's kids). But he has since changed his attitude and has more than made up for the thoughtless comments he made in the past.

As for others outside of the family being accepting of our children, there are no guarentees. I live in a very diverse city with a large Asian population. Just recently a group of white highschool students were on trial for beating up a Chinese boy.

[Jen4]

My in-laws have been the exact same way. At first I was offended by their reaction. My MIL out and out told my husband " Things are already chaotic. Why do you want to add to the Chaos?" Needless to say I was a little upset, but not surprised.

I decided that not everyone will understand why we are doing this. And they really don't need to. I know,in the end, they will love her like they love our other three children.

Jennifer - soon to be mother of Mei

[Momof2boysinOH]

I'm sure a lot of us can relate. My in-laws are coming for a visit this weekend (we haven't seen them in about 4 months) and I think we probably will stay away from the adoption discussion. When my husband told them over the phone that we were looking into Chinese adoption, they clearly disapproved. My mil (that stands for monster-in-law) said something very racist which I won't repeat here. These are the same people who "worried" when I was pregnant that our sons would be born dark-skinned because I am Hispanic. How idiotic.

Anyway, there were will always be less than enlightened people out there. We have no control over them. What we DO have control over is how we react to them.

Just today our cleaning lady made a comment while I was watching "Adoption Stories". She said a friend of hers is adopting from China and she went on and on about what a wonderful thing she's doing. So there are plenty of people who support international adoption. My husband even has one of his co-workers and his wife very interested in China now that they've heard that we're adopting.


Mary
Mommy of 2 beautiful bio sons
starting paperchase this fall

[caseymunn]

There is one thing that happened recently that seems to have changed my in-laws hearts a bit. My dh and I participated in a program through our local university called "Friendship Families" where they partner your family with an international student. Our student was from Hong Kong and he spent quite a bit of time with us and also ate at our inlaws with us on Thanksgiving and Christmas. They were very pleasant to him, but not overly friendly.

He graduated last week and two of his sisters came to the US for the first time. One of them visited my inlaws with me and they were just completely taken with her. They thought she was just beautiful! (Which as we all know Chinese girls are!) They hated to see her go back to Hong Kong, as did we. Anyway, they really seem to be more receptive about having a Chinese granddaughter now that they have been around a Chinese woman. (She's 27 and absolutely adorable!) Also, since we still have about 16 months until we can go to China to bring Olivia home, we are considering hosting a Chinese exchange student for the next year. I think it would be great not only for our family, but to learn more about the Chinese culture.

[Katia555]

It is very easy to get hurt by family members and friends in a situation like this. Fact is, sometimes they say things they shouldn't have. But, as someone pointed out, their comments often derive from fear of the unknown. My family has been wonderful and supportive all the way. My parents, in particular -- saying they "can't wait to see their new grand-child." But when we did our homestudy, I asked a relative to write a reference letter. She said she would be happy to do it but first needed to make sure that I'm aware of the amount of care and attention such a child would need. Was I ready to cut down on my work schedule to be with and hug the child? Did I realize that this child will have to feel loved, she asked.
I was shocked by her questions because they showed me how little she knows me. The last thing I needed was for someone to question my ability to love our future child ....I have learnt to only involve those who really support us and have faith in our decision....