[Momof2boysinOH]

Hi Everyone,

I wonder if any of you have had this problem...a husband who seems on board with adoption one day, then has doubts the next. Tonight I had a long talk with him and he said what I've heard other family members say to us, that we should just be grateful to have our 2 boys and leave it at that. I can't give up on my dream of having a daughter. I don't know why it's so hard for others to understand that. My mother and mother-in-law both say I should be content with what I have and that 2 children are more than enough (my mom had 2 children 10 years apart and my mother-in-law had 2 children 7 years apart because they couldn't handle two babies at once). I have 2 boys 20 months apart and I'm glad that I had them so close together. It's hard at times but to see them play together and be best friends is the greatest. I'd like to give my boys a sister but now my husband says that he'll "go along" with an adoption for me, but that he's perfectly fine just keeping our family the way it is. Has anyone gone through this with a spouse?

So I'm pretty bummed out right now. Maybe in a few months my husband will change his mind and really WANT to adopt. Right now he says he's willing to do it, but it seems like it's just to appease me. I want him to really look forward to bringing a new child into our family, and not feel like he's being forced into it.

-Mary
Mom to Julian & Christian
dreaming of a baby girl

[Megs2]

Mary, Yes,I know just how you feel. Tonight my husband informed me that we need to think about it for a while. I could not believe my ears. I am very proud of how calm, and understanding I was. I am 41 yrs old, and have 0 children ! He is 42, we have been married 3 yrs. What, wait until I am 60 ? This is the same man who said ,when we got married,that he want to have 5 children ! I have just found out that I probably can't get pregnant.( high FSH).I have always known in my heart, that I would adopt one day. I am pretty bummed out too. I can't believe that my husband has the attitude that he does not know if adopting one child is " what God wants us to do". Yet he was willing to have biological children with me ?I feel like a failure now. I was so excited about adopting ! I have been up for days looking at agency sites, deciding on countries... My heart is broken.Sorry, I know none of this has helped you. But for you,I don't blame you one bit. 2 boys, need a sister. I have not told one single person about our plan to adopt. I can just hear it now. I bet your husband has just had too much negative input from family. Is he the kind to be easily influenced by other peoples opinions ? maybe the negative comments, just make him doubt the decision. This is the reason I have asked my husband NOT to discuss this with his family. I want to wait until we have a referral, and it is too late to turn back. My husband would surely stress out by the time his mother, and sisters gave their input. And, do not tell him what your mother says. It will just scare him. He is just being a careful is all. He is making sure that he is being a responsible husband. He is afraid of jeapordizing the security, of your present family. I bet anything your husband wants to adopt a daughter, and he is just put off by the negative comments. Is he trying to avoid conflict maybe ? Sorry so long. Your post just hit me hard tonight. I am bumming too.

[Tony&Jen]

Wow, where to begin? Just read your post and really feel for your situations. I am a husband of nine years to my beautiful bride. I went through the reverse of what you all are going through. When we first got married we were not sure we wanted kids. I was always open to the idea of kids but my wife was unsure because I think it mainly dealt with her coming from a broken family. After about five years of marriage we thought, hey, this thing might work lets give it a shot and try for one. Well, four years later and numerous tests later we were confronted with unexplained infertility. So the next question you struggle with is IVF, surrogates, etc.

I have to confess I was much more open to the idea of adoption then my wife. But I gave her the time to think about it. Maybe in both of your situations your husbands need some time to think about it. If they are open to the idea of attending a local Families with Children from China get together to meet and see other families either blended with their own biological children or only their adopted girls it might help them make up their minds.

My beautiful bride has struggled with the idea of giving up on having a biological child. I guess with me it never really bothered me coming from a large family with plenty of nieces and nephews. A lot of men however may have a significant problem with this. However, if you have biological children already then maybe you can approach the idea of adopting a daughter from China from a different angle. The need to give these girls a family is overwhelming. China has made great strides in improving their orphanages and their adoption program, but the cultural, legal and socio-economic problems in-country have led to a lot of these girls being abandoned. Not to scare anyone, but in 1997 the World Health Organization estimated that there were 50 million girls unaccounted for in China since the one-child policy took affect in the early 80s.

I'm not sure what I said really helps all I can say is I went through a similar experience with my wife where I was more open to adoption then she initially was. Just try to be patient, understanding, and give your husband's some time and hopefully they will come around. There is hope, we just got our I-171H yesterday and both of us couldn't be happier. The look on my wife's face when she opened the mailbox was priceless. We hope to have a DTC either this month or next month. Good luck and God bless.

[Shelley]

Mary, In the beginning my husband went along with adoption just to appease me. We had 3 bio sons and I too wanted a daughter. We tried unsuccessfully for almost 3 yrs to have another baby, It came down to, Do we want to be pregnant or do we want a daughter? He too wanted a daughter but was quite content with the status quo. So I gathered all the paperwork, made the appt.'s with the sw and Dr., he just signed on the dotted line. I made the copies for our dossier, everything. We decided to adopt a waiting child. She was a 29 wks preemie, and her head was larger than the rest of her, which is normal with preemie's. He was very nervous about this, and wasn't convinced we were doing the right thing. This little girl was from Korea, not our original choice to adopt from, so much more expensive than what we had planned. He agreed to adopt her, but "she has to be escorted because we'd already spent too much money." Long story short, we received an updated photo, and this photo looked like a completely different little girl, and it completely changed him. Not only was I traveling, but we both were. When we met our Emma for the first time, he just melted. I thought I'd be the bowl of jelly, sobbing etc... but I wasn't. Upon our return from Korea we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, and shortly there after we found out it was (you guessed it) another boy.
If he's willing to do this to appease you, let him. He will eventually come around. If he were absolutely against it, there'd be no budging him. Maybe if you sit down and discuss his fears, because that's probably what's going on. The unknown is a big fear inducer. Just when you speak with him, use "I" messages, don't point fingers or make accusations. Tell him how you feel and then maybe he'll open up. Talk to him at a time when it's just the two of you, a time when there's not likely to be interuptions and the stress level is low. Goodluck to you Shelley

[kllee4]

I just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way today as you are both going through some difficult times. I am sure that with time and patience, your spouses may come around. There may be some hidden fears that they may not want to explain for fear of hurting you or they may believe some of the stereotypes or horror stories of adopting. There may be many reasons but I am sure that if you remain open to letting them discuss how they truly feel that maybe you can come up with some solutions. The good news is that the answer was not an "absolute no" but a "let's rethink this" or "let's wait for now". At least there may be room for hope. I beleive that if you keep the lines of sommunication open and are honest abouthow you feel and then truly listen to how they feel, you may stike some common ground.

I know that this is probably very difficult when you have your heart set on adding a child to your family. But everyone must be on board 100% in order for you both to be successful. The homestudy process is going to be a deep, soul searching one and you don't want to get that far and have everything backfire. I am sure that we will be reading about your husbands jumping on board with you soon. Good luck and I am sure that everything will work out fine!

[Lissa]

My husband had problems at first too. He now is incredibly excited--don't get him started about adoption, he'll talk your ear off about it he's so excited.

We've talked about his hesitancy since that day just over a year ago when I announced I wanted to adopt a baby and he best get on board or get off the dock.

We'd been trying to have a baby, and he too wanted 5 and wanted to get pregnant on our wedding night. I nixed both of those quick--I mean seriously 5 kids? I do have my girlish figure to think about. (All 300 pound of it.) LOL

Anyway...his hesitancy came from fear. He understood pregnancy. He knew what was expected of him. He was afraid of babies, but knew he had time to learn about them. Adoption scared him because he didn't know what to expect...what others would say (not the neighbors--neither of us care about that--but the SW scared the willies out of him!!) Suddenly we were going to be judged...suddenly we were being held to a higher standard and suddenly he had cold feet.

Eventually his love for me and his desire for a child won out over his fear. He's still scared. Me too. But educating ourselves to what will and could happen has helped a lot and that fear has turned into excitement and that excitement joy.

Don't give up. Just give it some time.

[dangerlucy]

Mary,

First, let me say that NO ONE except you and your husband has the right to decide how many kids in your family is "enough." Your family and mothers do not have the right to tell you how many children to have. Keep this in mind at all times and don't let them make this decision for you. If I let my mother-in-law decide for us, I wouldn't have my daughter today.

Now, let's look at your husband. Here's my situation: hubby and I have been married almost three years. He has two children from a previous marriage (now 15 and 12 years old.) When I married him, I married him KNOWING I couldn't have a child with him (he's had a vasectomy and I have questionable fertility.) He knew I always wanted a daughter, but I also married him knowing I may never have one.

When we first started talking adoption, he pretty much explained that he was happy with his two children, but if I wanted to have one, he would be fine with that also. Not gung ho or excited or anxious, just fine with it. Obviously, we want our partners to be just as excited as we are but that rarely happens! It took me a long time to accept this fact and although I knew he was doing this for me, it didn't mean he wouldn't love her just as much as his other two.

We have been home with our daughter for three and a half months now and yes, my husband adores his daughter! He's even talking about going back to China for #2 now! Whoa, slow down!

My point is, if he is open to adoption of a daughter, don't wait for him to share your enthusiasm. As long as he is open and accepting, go with that and move forward. His heart will warm to the idea as the process goes along and I don't know very many men who didn't fall madly in love with their adopted daughters from China once they met them.

Please let me know if you need any more support and PM me if you wish.

Good luck!!!!

[Momof2boysinOH]

Oh thank you all so much. It's so good to know that I'm not alone in this. I've been thinking a lot about this since last night and I realized that my husband also wasn't terribly excited when I became pregnant with our sons either. I was thrilled whenever the baby would move in my belly and my husband didn't think it was nearly as miraculous as I did. But once our sons were born, he was completely different. He's a very involved and caring dad and I suspect that he'll be the same way once we bring our daughter home. Since we're both still 29, I'm going to table the discussion for a few months. I think he may be more receptive when he's forgotten the comments he's heard from his parents. We've been married 6 1/2 years but we had our boys in a short time so I guess that has him feeling a little overwhelmed.

I feel so much better after having read all your posts!

Thanks again,
Mary :-)

[foxl]

We have adopted 2 kids, one from India and one from Guatemala. Both times, my husband would not emotionally commit to the adoption until we had the kids in hand. He kept asking me when it would be too late to back out, without any understanding of how committed I felt.

He is a wonderful father and adores both kids, was smitten by a little Chinese girl in the park and so now we are considering number three. And guess what? Even though this time he started it, the same reaction pops up ...
Hope this helps,
Linda

[caramello]

HI we have 2 bio kids 5 and 6 yeard old. The want, need to adopt came primarily from me and my DH has gone along with it for me Although he says he will love our DD and of course feel the same about her as he does our bio kids, he openly admits that I must allow this to take time for him. He still listens to my constant ramblings and plan making.

He also went thru the "well we have 2 kids isnt that enough"..but for 3 years we didnt send in our papers for one reason or another and finally it was the right time. DH has now given her a name and is becoming more involved each day. He says that to him it is not real until she is in our arms.....which wont be long now

Good luck

[Katia555]

Dear Mary,
You are definitely not alone, as you can see.
You say in your message that "My mother and mother-in-law both say I should be content with what I have and that 2 children are more than enough." That's obviously not a decision for them to make, and I wouldn't pay any attention to their comment. My husband, too, was very reluctant at first. One day he said "yes" and the next day "no." But I'm 39 and unable to get pregnant, most likely due to male factor. I can't wait any longer to start a family. I went ahead while my husband still had doubts. I found an agency and did most of the paper work. Today, more than a year later, my husband is looking forward to going to China. He is scared, sure, but he is mostly very excited, and I know in my heart we are doing the right thing. If I had postponed the adoption process until the moment my spouse was with me 100 percent, it never would have happened. For him, the desire to adopt came gradually, out of fear of the unknown.
I hope it all works out for you.
Katia

[donnagenelle]

Have you ever read the Story of Christian music singer Stephan Curtis Chapmans adoption? Well long story short, they had 3 kids and thier bio daughter wanted to adopt. Stephan got on board and convinced Mary Beth(his wife) to consider it. She considered it and against her better judgement, finally decided to appease them and allow 1 adoption to take place. On the plane ride home from China she decided she wanted to go back and adopt another girl. They are now the proud parents of 3 bio kids and 3 Chinese adoptees.

I think adoption is just hard and scary. Especially when you have kids of your own. I can't speak for everyone but I know it was much easier for me to just get pregnant with my two daughters, and much more enjoyable too! Once it was done there was no going back. With this adoption, I feel like I can always back out.

I often ask myself if I am crazy for doing this when I have 2 beautiful girls already. But I know after it's done I will never regret seeing it through.

[Momof2boysinOH]

Thanks again, for all your comments. My dh surprised me yesterday. I had decided to not bring up adoption for a while but then he did. We were discussing whether to buy a 2nd high chair or have our older son start sitting in a regular chair so that our baby could get the high chair. Then he said he definitely wants to adopt but that I've just been talking about it constantly. He said that once I turn 30 in October I can talk about it all I want because we will be in the process. Right now he says he doesn't want to talk it to death because we can't move forward. I guess I can understand that.

Still, I'm going to keep researching and reading as much as I can. By October I'm sure he'll get more involved and start reading, too.

Thanks, everyone!

-Mary

[donnaparadise]

I gave birth to a daughter 38 years ago. Recently, she made contact through a 3rd party, however does not want a reunion. I have been glued to this board for some time now, reading everything I possibly can to educate myself on all sides of the process of adoption and what it does and can do to all involved.


I am not in your shoes, to be sure. I am now 60, unmarried, with no other children, so you may discount my opinion and that would be fine. However, I have read your posts and the responses and am delighted you are getting so much encouragement in some ways, however in other ways, have made me very, very nervous.

I am concerned at the reaction of not only your husband, but his family. This is not a blond haired, blue eyed infant you are talking about. This is a child from another culture, who looks different than the family and who will never look like your husband, nor his family and will always remind them that she is not 'theirs'.

There seems to be a lot of resistance there and while it is true that many husbands (or wives for that matter) do come around and fall madly in love with the adoptee, there are also those who do not. Then what?

What is to be done when you have talked your husband into adopting a little girl, who you have fallen in love with and he can't. Perhaps he might want to but perhaps he just can't. It is not like you can send her back because someone changed their mind.

What do you do if his family does not treat her well? There are plenty of stories on this board of families that have bio children as well as adoptees and the grandparents bring gifts for the 'natural' children and neglect or sometimes outright ignore the adopted child. What do you do then? Especially, if the grandparents are your husband's parents?

These are things that must be considered, in my opinion. Adopting a child is not as easy as it seems on the outside looking in. Adopting a child from another country, from another culture, from another place in time, has a lot more considerations involved in it.

I have a girlfriend who I have been friends with for more than 30 years. She has been married for several years and her and her husband have been quite successful in their lines of work and up until about 5 years ago, always said she never wanted children. Her husband was a grade school teacher and said he had enough children in school and was satisfied to not have any.

They were friends with another couple who could not have children and these people adopted from Guatamala. Another couple in their circle did the same. Lo and behold! All of a sudden my friend and her husband decided to adopt a child and set about doing so.

The 1 year old arrived and all were happy as could be, it seems. My girlfriend has never been a really healthy person and has since had to have a hysterectomy in her 50's. Her husband has since retired. She is 57 and he is 58!

They have moved to a small village in the countryside area and have their little daughter in music classes, soccer - all kinds of things. However, this little girl is the only child, let alone person, who does not look like anyone else in the area. My friends seem to have totally ignored the point of her culture and where she comes from.

The little girl is only 6 right now therefore has little voice as far as her destiny. However, I wonder at the stupidity of her aparents at ignoring basic connections that she might be resentful of losing later in her life.

Perhaps I am putting too much into this and coming from a bmother's point of view. This situation to me certainly does not feel like the child is 'better off', not matter how many material things she might have now.

A child deserves to be in a loving, caring, safe place. She deserves to be accepted for who she is and not have so many strikes against her by being brought into a potentially rejecting home, even before she has a chance.

It is quite a decision, in my opinion, to try to convince your husband to adopt and then take the chance that he might accept the child. My question to you is, what if he doesn't? Surely, she does not deserve to be brought up in an atmosphere where she would not understand why first of all, her bmother could not keep her, and then her aparents were not united in loving her once she was there.

Your husband's attitude could quite likely effect your sons' attitude towards their little 'sister' as well. How do you counteract that? You say your boys need a sister. Your boys don't need what they don't know they are missing.

I know you would like a daughter, however perhaps you might consider the price she might pay later, for your need.

I do not mean to offend with my comments. I hope you realize that. I am offering another point of view and that plus $3.75, MIGHT get you a cup of coffee.

Good luck
Donna

[Momof2boysinOH]

Donna,

I appreciate your input. The line that you wrote about this not being a blue-eyed, blond child made me laugh. We are a multi-cultural family. I am Hispanic and my husband is Portuguese. We have many different countries represented in our extended family...Colombia, Spain, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, and the Phillipines. If anyone is open to different cultures, it's us.

My husband's family may not be as supportive as I'd like them to be, but they live in another state and we only see them twice a year. My mom also lives in another state but she comes to visit every 2 months and she's a WONDERFUL grandmother who will love ALL our children equally. I'm very sure of that.

While we may not be experts on Chinese culture, I think we can learn through reading and joining groups of other parents who have adopted from China. I plan to try and learn some Chinese to teach our daughter, too. In addition, she will learn Spanish like her brothers.

Thanks for your story but I was never looking for a blond, blue-eyed baby! :-)

-Mary