[Momof2boysinOH]

Hi Everyone,

Over the weekend my husband finally said YES to adopting from China after discussing it for months and now I'm getting cold feet. I'm worried about the homestudy...I'm not thrilled with the idea of someone coming in and judging the way we live. Not that there's anything wrong with how we live; I'm just the type of mom who hates hearing any kind of criticism, like when my mother-in-law says I should have my son potty-trained by 18 months. Am I crazy to be worried? Are the social workers really picky and overly critical?

I'm also worried about the paperchase. Is the work completely overwhelming? I'm stressing over it more than I stressed about my master's thesis. I can't start the process until August at the earliest (6 months before both dh and I are 30), but I'm already getting headaches thinking about the paperwork. Again, am I fretting over nothing?

Maybe I'm just suffering from sleep deprivation...I've got a 2 year old and a 4 month old.

-Mary in Ohio :-)

[auntjo66]

Don't worry about the social worker. Ours was wonderful!

The social worker will not be checking on your son's potty training. The focus is on the overall functioning of the family. Are you a good parent? What are your plans for the adopted child? What is your plan for caring for, educating, and disciplining the child? Is your home spacious enough for another child? What type of neighborhood do you live in? Will the residents be accepting of a multi-cultural family? Are there friends or family members available to help with the child?

Don't be concerned about having a spotless home. (I cleaned for days and my social worker never appeared to be looking closely!)

The paperchase is annoying but if you are organized, you should have no problems. Just remember to document every step and check off items according to your agency's guidelines. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

Best wishes!!!

My husband and I are hoping to be DTC in May.

Auntjo66

[Momof2boysinOH]

Ooohh...I guess maybe I should be worried. We have a 3-bedroom house and our sons each have their own room. We intend to bunk them together when we have a 3rd child, but for now it seems like there's no room for another baby. We have another guestroom in the finished basement but we won't have our kids that far away from us. Also, we just moved to Ohio a year and a half ago and are only really friendly with one neighbor across the street. So those kinds of things worry me. Our families are all back in New Jersey so we don't have a support system here.

Still Worried,
Mary in Ohio

[joyfulme3x]

Hi Mary!
I completely understand your feelings! Believe me, though, if you really have your heart set on this adoption you will find the strength to do whatever it takes, and you'll do just fine. Just take it one day at a time, one document at a time, one homestudy visit at a time.

Depending on where you live and which agency you use, you may have a choice of social workers. They can differ greatly. Most stick to the task at hand--getting your home study written according to the laws of your state (some states have more intrusive requirements than others) and helping you get ready for your adoption--and a few will venture off into more subjective areas like advising you on when your child should be potty trained, etc. If you can get references from others who've used social workers in your area, definitely do so.
Yes the process is somewhat embarrassing and very intrusive by nature--when do we EVER discuss how we solve marital arguments, what our income was last year, or whether that surgery one of us had 8 years ago has had any lasting effects, with a near-total stranger?? But just keep your eye on the prize and you can get through it!

The paperchase is really not bad if you can stay organized. Create a master file and keep it in order all the time, and just attack each document one by one till you're done. When we started out I decided I would look at our paperchase as my part-time job. Stay in close contact with your agency and fax them a copy of each document as you complete it so they can catch any errors. And if you wish, use a dossier service for the certification/authentication process. We are and I am extremely glad we decided to do so.

Don't stress out too much! It really will be fine, though there will certainly be frustrations to overcome along the way. Congratulations on beginning the journey.

Joyfulme3x

[joyfulme3x]

I just read your second post, Mary, so I thought I'd add--about the bedroom situation, support system, etc.

Don't worry about those things. The social worker will just want to know that you have a workable plan. Explain your plan for the bedrooms, and if the SW asks about your support system have a plan for how you will develop a support system (do you plan on attending Families with Children from China meetings, joining a church, looking for playgroups, getting to know your neighbors better over time, and so on).
The SW just wants to know that you've thought about these things.

[Lissa]

Mary it's okay to be scared and it's totally normal. I personally am terrified. But in my book, fear is just excitement judged by a moment of pessimism. With the next breath, fear become anticipation and from anticipation sheer joy. And that's what we're all here about, the joy of children.

Your concerns are normal and healthy. The homestudy is a very scary even until you go through it. After it's done you wonder why you worried so much. There are some people who have had bad experiences...but they are few and far between. The SW main goal is to help children by helping you find a child. They WANT YOU TO BE A GOOD FAMILY!!. They won't lie or make things up, but they will usually look for the good in you rather than the bad. It's counter productive to their aims to do otherwise.

As for fretting over the paperwork...I have a terminal degree (you mentioned your master's thesis) and the degree paperwork was far harder and far more stressful (though nowhere near as important) than the dossier materials. If you've done a thesis, this will be like cake! I did all my paperwork myself and it wasn't bad at all. Your agency will let you know everything you need and none of it is difficult...just a lot of steps to verify the verifications of the authentication of the certifications. It's not a lot of documents really, just a lot of steps to make sure everyone agrees all the paperwork is legitamate.

As for the bedroom situation, they don't want to see anything finished, they just want a plan. A 3 bedroom house is plenty of room for a four person family.

It'll be fine. It's a very exciting and very rewarding process. I actually miss the paperwork...it was easier than waiting. At least then I felt attached. I hope to receive referral in Aug. so that's when we go into high gear again. So please if you have questions ask on the forum or PM...these message boards are a lifesaver and are far less expensive than therapy while you wait for your baby!!

Congratulations on your decision!

[Shelley]

When we did our first adoption we had all 3 of our boys in their own rooms. We just told sw that we were going to put 2 together in the biggest room and baby would have the emptied one. It is true what others have said about the home visit, I cleaned like a mad woman, and the sw didn't even open closet doors. :-) (kind of annoyed me as closets had never been cleaner, and haven't been as clean since.)
As far as paperchasing, there is a particular agency that will assemble you dossier for, what I consider, to be a nominal fee. If you don't know which agency I am speaking of, pm me and I will tell you. One of the reasons we didn't adopt from China the first time (there were others as well)was the paperwork seemed just too overwhelming. I also believe we are meant to find our child and it turned out ours was in Korea. We/I too am looking at adopting again, but as this is the second go around and we have a little more knowledge about the adoption process, it doesn' feel as overwhelming. Good luck to you. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. To get from point A to Z you have to take a step at a time. Shelley

[VAMom2Be]

Mary,

I agree with the other members: 1. the home study is not about the size or cleanliness of your home. It's about how you live and raise your kids. 2. If you have a masters degree - the paperchase is a breeze. Just stay organized, make checklists and don't hesitate to question, push, prod your agency for all the information you require. Better to ask a thousand questions then to lose a month in the process due to the unasked one!

Be honest and open about your feelings, even the doubtful ones. It's a normal thing...you really learn a lot about your self - especially your patience level - throughout the process. Be detail oriented. It will pay off in long run.

Best of luck!

M.

[Momof2boysinOH]

Thank you, everyone, for making me feel somewhat better. I think I know the agency that has a dossier preparation service.

It is a nerve-wracking experience, but so is pregnancy and childbirth, right? After 3 miscarriages and 2 c-sections with complications I should be pretty brave. In the end having that baby in your arms is all that matters.

Thanks again.

:-) Mary

[foxl]

Not to worry. These are people whose motive is to PALCE children!

I had the first homestudy visit from H***! Our house was torn up, literally dow nthe studs, no ceilings, no kitchen sink, and our fridge was in the dining room. I am no princess, but this was WORSE THAN CAMPING -- doing dishes in the bathroom, etc. It went fine. I can laugh NOW ... I have adopted two through the same agency, and am considering a third! We have a postplacement visit tomorrow, it is the SAME SW. I am clenaing up and still a bit nervous, but don't worry -- they WANT to place kids, and if you show a nurturing, problem-solving attitude in your fmaily, you will be FINE! -- and congratulations! Let us know how it goes,
Linda

[redat38]

Mary,
If adopting is truly in your heart you'll be fine.
I worried so much about the homestudy..even though I felt so comfortable with the social worker I cleaned for days inside and out, went through my closet had my husband clean his...yeah that's right No small task there!! in the end she was of course so friendly and just talked to us about our family, our experiences and raising children it was so painless...and the walk through lasted all of 5 minutes. So I would say my worrying was so much more painful then the actual event.
Keep true to your heart and everything will be just fine!!
Take care,
Jane in Pa.
DTC 2/04/05

[Katia555]

Dear Mary,
I was nervous about the home study, too. As it turned out, it was the easiest part. Prior to our social worker's first visit, I spent several days cleaning our house. My husband asked me if I thought she was going to inspect our home with a magnifying glass. Actually, I did. But it was nothing like that. She didn't even open the drawers, just took a look around. She asked a lot of personal questions, but in such a way that it didn't feel intrusive at all. We actually looked forward to her visits. As far as space is concerned, we live in a small, two-bedroom house. (No kids. We are adopting because infertility treatments failed.) We told our SW that we'll convert the office into a nursery, and she was fine with that. The paper chase does not have to be stressful. Just take it one step at a time. Look at the little progress that you do every day.


"Whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take small steps." -Helmut Schmidt

[SofiasMom]

It might be different in Ohio due to state laws, but my HS was a breeze. Yes he did ask questions about my family, religion (or lack thereof), support system, thoughts on China & incorporating my daughter's culture into our home, past relationships (I'm single), etc. But he barely looked at my condo. He wanted to be sure I understood what I was getting into and we also used the visit as an opportunity for me to ask him questions.

[sak9645]

First off, please remember that the homestudy is mainly about preparing you to be an adoptive parent. In the counseling sessions, you will probably talk a lot about such things as strategies for dealing with relatives and friends who may oppose the adoption or have racial prejudices, for teaching your child to appreciate his/her cultural heritage, for dealing with delays and insecure attachment, and so on.

Second, the homestudy does have to approve you, but it is mainly interested in whether you can provide a safe and welcoming home for a child. If you are reasonably healthy mentally and physically, if you have no significant criminal or substance abuse history, if you have a stable income, and if your home is decent enough for you to entertain your mother-in-law or your boss, you will probably do just fine. You will have to share some information that you normally keep private, such as how much you earn and whether you have ever sought counseling, but it really isn't too terrible.

Three, the homestudy is not a pop quiz. At every step of the way, you can and should ask questions, both about the adoption process and about raising an adopted child.

As an example, feel free to ask if you have any concerns about your house, before you start the homestudy or before the home visit. Each state has different rules with regard to things like whether the child's room must be set up in advance, the size of a child's bedroom, children sharing a bedroom, how many bathrooms you need for a given number of people, number of smoke detectors, whether you need a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, etc.

Also feel free to ask if you have questions about whether there are any good attachment therapists in the area, how well your child will adjust if you need to use day care, whether you should take your current children with you when you travel to China, etc.

I hope that everything goes well, not just with your homestudy, but with your adoption, and that you will soon have another child in your home.

Sharon

[MBA62]

Hi Mary,
Don't drive yourself over edge. I echo most of what was said - the SW really is on yourside. Before our homestudy, I cleaned like a madwoman (even closets and cabinets). Our home hadn't been that clean since before we had children . Guess what - the SW never opened a closet or cabinet door. I also felt really nervous because we have children already. I felt like my parenting was being put under a microscope and somehow I'd fail. To some degree, I guess my (our) parenting was scrutinized but not in a way that felt judgemental. In fact, I walked away from our homestudy feeling pretty good about our family and myself. All the worry was for nothing and our SW was awesome. I felt immediately like we were all on the same team and his goal was our goal; to create a forever family. You will do fine. Use this board often. Everyone is so nice, informative and supportive. All the best and congratulations!