[Katia555]

If all goes well, we will be going to China sometime in November or December. Four of my family members from Europe (2 grown-ups and their kids, age 5 and 7) have just asked if they can come to Florida for a two-week visit around Christmas. Our house is quite small and, if they came, we would have to let them stay in the nursery and have our child stay with us in the bedroom. (Which she might be doing anyhow.) I would love to see them, of course, but just don't feel sure that the timing is good. Does anyone have some advice as to whether or not a two-week family visit so shortly after bringing the child home is a good idea? Might it be a great idea, in the sense that our child will get to see her relatives right away? Or might it disrupt the process of helping her to feel safe and secure after the big change of leaving China and everything she has known?

[GoingtoChina]

I'm sorry, I don't have an answer for you. I struggle with that too. My family will want to come visit pretty much as soon as possible after we get home but I personally, would rather have an adjustment and bonding period with just dh, myself and our new daughter. Especially since we'll be first-time parents.

Another thing to keep in mind, if they buy the plane tickets now... you guys might be in China during the time that they are scheduled to come! You won't have several months notice as to when you are going to China. We also are hoping to go to China in November or December but we wouldn't get our travel date until September or October. It's too soon to make any plans.

I wish I had a better answer for you but I think it would be best to go with your heart. If you want 'alone' time, then let your family know that their visit will need to be later.

Good luck with your decision. I know it's not an easy one.

Kelly

[KarenInCa]

Katia, I have heard from several sources that it is best to keep it to immediate family members for the first 4-6 weeks after you bring her home. There are several reasons for this, mainly because she will be assimilating so much after coming home, from change of climate to change of foods to change of everything else that will have been familiar to her prior to coming home, including any pets or scents in the house.
But also (and I think more importantly), she will becomming familar with WHO you are as her parents. Until you get her, she will have to depend on anyone who feeds and clothes her or takes care of her basic needs. It is imparative that she learns quickly that YOU are her source for that, in order for her to discern between you and other adults, and for you to gain her trust. You want her to rely on YOU to ensure her basic needs are taken care of, so that she learns to know intimacy in her life.
Now, that said, some people have large families that live close by, or as in your (and my) case, the holiday is right around the corner from receiving your daughter. So, it might not be practical to stay as immediate family for the first 4-6 weeks. So, if that happens, you can insist that noone else feeds her, changes her, or picks her up when she cries.
It really all depends on if you are willing to be the selfish mother (for lack of a better term) that you will need to be during the holiday visit. And if your relatives will respect you in your request, or if you think they will ignore it.

[Tsmom]

we were told by our SW that we should not have any visitors the first several weeks. You could just tell them that your SW has said no to all visitors. This way they can't get upset with you.

[Lissa]

We have family members who are renting beach house the month after we are suppossed to return and have asked us to come and bring baby. We have said no as the SW suggest not overstimulating the baby with too many people and confusing her while you work towards attachment.

[Shellemarie]

I agree.. The 4-6 weeks after you bring her home is YOUR time to bond as an immediate family, to "let the glue set", and to establish your family routine so she will start to feel safe and secure. Good luck with everything! :-))

[mdaisyq]

If you travel in November and this is one of the few times when your European relatives can visit, then do it.

Aside from the concerns about how your daughter will react, you will have to think about you. You will probably be jet lagged and exhausted from dealing with a jet lagged baby for several weeks when you first come home. Too, if this is your first child, you will be dealing with the transition into being a threesome not just a couple.

If you are an easy going person and can deal with a house full of people, then do it.

Your daughter will get over having all of these strange people in her house and it will be a blip in her memory. A family visit several weeks after she has been home will not affect her long term bonding to you, in my personal opinion. Though, once you meet her, you will be better able to gauge her personality and how she would deal with it. If she is an out-going kid, she may actually welcome all of the attention!

If you travel in December, closer to when your family wants to visit, then you may want to rethink this.

[Katia555]

Thanks SO MUCH, all of you, for your replies. They really helped me. Saying no to your family can be hard sometimes, but first priority has to be ourselves and the child, in this case. I have talked to my relatives about it, and we have agreed to wait and see how it goes and how we feel after we return from China. They completely understand. Referring to the advice of our SW, as someone suggested, made it a lot easier.

[jasonsmom]

Personally I can't imagine asking to take my 2 young kids and stay with someone who just adopted a baby and may have just come back from halfway across the world. I would say that I'd love to see them but it just wouldn't be a good time to have house guests so would they like a list of reasonably priced nearby hotels. Of course, I'm also the type who loves to see relatives but wants to stay at a hotel rather than in their home. I like the freedom of being able to come and go when I want.

Jasonsmom

[sak9645]

I declared a two-week moratorium on visits to my home or visits to other people's homes.

Although my daughter turned out to be both very social and very capable of loving her Mommy, thus emotionally able to handle company, I'm still glad that I adhered to the policy.

First off, we were both sick when we came home. My daughter had every minor bug under the sun -- things like scabies, pinkeye, two ear infections, bronchitis, and sinusitis. And I wound up with her bronchitis, plus ear problems caused by pressure changes while flying. It took a full two weeks till we were fully healthy and ready to party.

Second, even though I had done a lot of shopping beforehand, there were still a lot of things we needed when we came home. As an example, Becca turned out to have very narrow feet. It was quite a challenge to find her some shoes that fit. And she was also so slender that many of the clothes I had bought in advance hung on her like feed sacks.

Third, it took us several days to get over jet lag and back onto a normal sleep schedule. While Becca was a very easygoing child and not too crabby even when tired, I felt that I wanted to be sure we were both "ready for prime time" when we did any socializing.

I am a single Mom, and some people told me that I SHOULD have someone staying with me when I first got home with my daughter, to be of assistance. Maybe this would work well with some people, who have a relative or friend who can be helpful without being overwhelming, and who like the idea of being catered to a bit.

However, my parents are deceased, and I really didn't have anyone that I felt could be helpful on-site, without adding to the stress of the first two weeks at home. In addition, my own personality is rather independent. I don't like people fussing over me when I am ill, and I prefer to figure out new things -- like parenting -- without a lot of people hovering over me.

I have a wonderful support network, but I was perfectly content to talk with these folks by phone for two weeks! I knew that if I really needed help, the people would be there for me.

Of course, we weren't reclusive. We took a lot of walks in the neighborhood, and were happy to chat if we met people on the street. During our shopping trips, we once happened to be in the building where a cousin was working, and we popped up to visit her for ten minutes or so. And I scheduled some time every day to return the phone calls of people who were dying to hear all about Becca and our trip.

But as far as baby showers and major visits, postponing them for two weeks was absolutely right for us.

There's really no right or wrong when it comes to this topic. Some people love having a relative or friend on-site when they return, to bond with their child, provide assistance, and share their child-raising experience. Others don't like the idea at all. Some children turn out to be social and to love being in a large extended family; others may be scared and clingy.

However, I do think that having four people, including two children, come and stay with you in a tiny house does NOT sound like a good idea. I really would urge you to have them wait a couple of weeks, or at least stay in a hotel. You ALL will have a much better time.

Sharon

[Katia555]

<<However, I do think that having four people, including two children, come and stay with you in a tiny house does NOT sound like a good idea. I really would urge you to have them wait a couple of weeks, or at least stay in a hotel. You ALL will have a much better time.>>

Dear Sharon,
Thanks for sharing your story below, I enjoyed reading it. Having read all your replies, I have a much better sense of how I feel about it. And I just can't see having to be a good host around X-mas at a time like this. I am sure they will understand. Thanks for your help, everyone....