[prechrchet]

A question that has been in the back of my mind recently, as we get closer and closer to sending our dossier off to China concerns teasing.

I know that teasing (for better or for worse) is a part of growing up. However, some kids handle it better than others (I never really learned how to handle it when I was a kid).

What can DW and I do to prepare our soon to be daughter for the teasing that we know is coming?

Any ideas?

Prechrchet

[Lissa]

Maybe this is not the way to deal with it, but it's what I tell myself and what I plan to tell my daughter.

People tease others ultimately because they feel bad about themselves. If they see something different about someone else, it gives them an easy target to pick on to make themselves feel better about who they are. It can rob the person being picked on of their self esteem for a moment (but only if they allow it) and then the bully has the temporary feeling of victory, thereby boosting their own esteem. That is sad, because it isn't a real victory, and the bully doesn't grow. You have a choice to either grow or not grow. You can pick back--which is not growing; you can retreat--which is also not growing; or you can forgive their faults and then move on--which is growth. There is no shame in being different. However, there is shame in not growing as a human being. No matter who you are or what you look like there will be people who love you, and people who hate you because of those things. Don't focus on those who don't--you can't change them. Focus on those who love you for who you are, not what you are, because they are the ones you really want to be with anyway.

[spaypets]

First, I don't think it's necessarily a given your child will be teased. But I do think that if you worry too much, it will be a self fulfilling prophesy because bullies will see it as a vulnerable spot and they always aim for that.

I am speaking as a child who was picked on, ostracized and teased from the time I was in first grade until the time we moved before 6th grade. There were a lot of different factors involved in my unpopularity, not the least of which was I was a pretty arrogant kid which put off other children.

First, you should make sure your daughter knows the people she's going to kindergarten with--get involved in local play groups etc. If she has friends before she ever goes to the first day of school, she's less likely to be separated from the pack.

Second, teach her to be mindful of others feelings--no one likes a snob or someone selfish.

Third, if she does get teased, teach her to respond with humor. Turning a tease into a joke, even if it stings, keeps you from being an easy target. Bullies look for the vulnerable -- the class clown isn't vulnerable.

Finally, teach her to be proud of who she is and confident in her unique talents and abilities. It will go a long way to keep her from internalizing others harsh words.

Although it was extremely difficult and painful at the time, haveing such a rotten childhood ultimately made me a stronger person. I don't worry about whether people will like me--I worry about whether I will like them. It has given me much more emotional intergrity. I have always been true to myself and confident in my opinions, in part because I knew it was possible to be apart from the crowd. I will never forget how, at my freshman mixer in college, so many people looked so worried about fitting in. It didn't matter as much to me, because I knew I'd survive either way.

[Dmally]

hi
I wonder about teasing also. But not only for my little girl but for her older brothers too. That may sound bad but kids can be really mean. I don't want them to have to go through that but you know they will and I'm not sure what to tell them to say or do . I discussed this issue with the boys before we all as a family made the decision to adopt from China and they responded that they didn't think their friends would do something like that. I responded with it probably wont be your friends who will do this it will be other people they responded with no one better pick on their sister. What do you do to help older children deal with predjudice (however you spell that) especially when they are talking about your new sister.
Hope someone has an answer
Donna M

[SummerMommy]

As one of the kids who was teased, let me just say that it's pretty normal for children to find something to tease another child about. If it's not her Asian face, it'll be something else!

My mom always told me to turn the other cheek but that didn't always work. What you tell your child will depend on lots of things. There's no perfect answer to this problem.

Our baby's peer group will be very important to her and she'll really seek their approval. It's a real challenge of parenting to find the right way to help our child get through this process (teasing).

I'm dreading it but hoping that I can help her more than my parents helped me.

Summer

[Sean&Shan]

I totally agree with Summer.
If it were't her Asian background it could be her freckles, her hair, her clothes, etc. Teasing happens- and regardless of the trait being called out, kids will find something to focus on. I have always been a fair blonde w/ blue eyes and I have vivid memories of being followed home in first grade by an older boy singing "Shannon is ugly!" over and over again at the top of his lungs.

I have taught in Middle schools for over eleven years and I will tell you that girls are far worse than boys when it comes to teasing and fighting. They are downright mean (I got punched in the face while breaking up a girl-fight earlier this year). I think that any parent needs to prepare themselves for how they are going to handle teasing, and that as parents of girls protecting their self worth and esteem is an absolute priority.

[SofiasMom]

There is the Wise Up workshop for parents or children (5 and up). It provides tools to deal with intrustive or rude questions about adoption and/or race. I haven't gone but have heard that some adoption agencies and FCC chapters provide the workshops.

[twoinblue]

I think the absolute worse thing you could do is be defensive about her being Chinese. She will sense it and feel like it is something to be ashamed of -- even if you tell her dozens of times it is not.

I have a rather odd view on this I guess. When I was young I was pathetically thin and had big googley glasses. Now I am overweight but I try very hard not to be sensitive about it.

I have come to the conclusion that it is silly for us to be so afraid that someone is going to state the obvious. My brother who is obese and in the Air Force gets really upset if someone hints that he is fat and comes home upset. My response is, "So what? You are fat. You think people don't notice?"

I joke about my wide butt all the time at work and at home so anyone who would say something to me would have nowhere to go with it. Besides I would probably tell them that they are ugly and I can always diet. Actually I like to say that it took a lot of doughnuts to get this way. (Don't get a mental image - its not that bad!)

Once people realize you are not sensitive, they pretty much leave you alone.

My daughter will be Chinese and I plan on teaching her to have fun with it - it is all a part of loving who you are no matter what you look like. If she makes other people comfortable, they will gravitate toward her.

[SofiasMom]

Passing along info on a film re: bullying:

'Tweens, Teens & Parents come join us for our first Saturday morning Talk on a topic of great importance to students everywhere....

The ImaginAsian, Also-known-as, Inc and Families with Children from China of Greater NY present
"Let's Get Real" Screening and Dialogue
Saturday, April 16th, 2005 from 10am-noon
The ImaginAsian Theater
239 East 59th Street (btw 2nd & 3rd Ave), NY, NY
phone 212-371-6682 : website www.theimaginasian.com

This film is appropriate for kids 10 years and older.
No charge for admission, but registration is required.
RSVP to Kathy Urbina at Urbina9@... or 718-852-8979

Bullying has reached epidemic proportions in American schools and communities. Sixty-six percent of youth are teased at least once a month, and nearly one-third of youth are bullied at least once a month.

Six out of 10 American teens witness bullying at least once a day.

For children in grades 6–10, nearly one in six—or 3.2 million—are victims of bullying each year and 3.7 million are bullies.

Let's Get Real is an award winning powerful documentary by the Women's Educational Media (_www.womedia.org_ (http://www.womedia.org/) ) where kids speak
up about bullying. Name-calling and bullying are at epidemic proportions among youth across the country, and are often the root causes of violence in
schools. Let's Get Real gives young people the chance to tell their stories in their own words--and the results are heartbreaking, shocking, inspiring and poignant. This film examines a variety of issues that lead to taunting and bullying, including racial differences, perceived sexual orientation, learning disabilities, religious differences, sexual harassment and others. The film not only gives a voice to targeted kids, but also to kids who do the bullying to find out why they lash out at their peers and how it makes them feel. The most heartening part of Let's Get Real includes stories of kids who have mustered the courage to stand up for themselves or a classmate. Let's Get Real inspires honest dialogue among all (students & adults), helping viewers es
tablish an awareness about their own roles in society and what they can do to prevent prejudice and promote understanding.

A panel discussion moderated by Amanda Baden and Mary Nealon will follow the screening.
Panelists include:
Jen Chau SWIRL (Mixed race community at http://www.swirlinc.org/)
Mark Fermi Also-Known-As (Intercountry Adoptees at
http://www.alsoknownas.org/)
Phil Hovey ( Anti Defamation League)
Angela Jin (yKAN-Young Korean Network)
Nancy Kim Parsons (film maker)