[dakil]

We are a couple of months away from our referral and are trying to decide if we should take our 4 yr old biological son or leave him in the states with his grandparents (who he loves).

On one hand it seems like he would share in the whole experience of getting to know her, but I also know that a 10-12 hour time zone change will be hell on him and could take him a week to adjust.

On the other hand being away from each other for two weeks will be hard and it could be tough for him when mom and dad show up with a new baby.

We've been talking to him about us adopting a girl and he's starting to ask more questions but its hard to talk to him about what the process may be like - especially when we are unsure what to do.

It seems like everyone we ask who has had to face the same decision just says that whatever they did was the right thing to do: those that took their child said they couldn't imagine not doing it and those that didn't said it was much better that they went on their own. I don't know if that's an indication that there is no right answer or just people rationalizing their own choice.

I know we have to make up our own minds but I'm interested in hearing from others that have or will be facing a similar decision and how they sorted it out.

Thanks.

[llau]

.My husband and I are in the same boat as you! We have a biological son who will be 3 1/2 near travel time. I want to go as a family, but then I think about a 3 1/2 year old being on an airplane for 18 plus hours, the time zone change, the food change, the travel to places that we would love that would leave a toddler less than impressed.
I just don't know what to do either. I agree though, leaving him for two weeks is not an option. That would rock his world to say the least to have both of his parents gone for two weeks and then come home with a new baby.
In the end, I have a feeling we will go as a family. I just have this vision of when our baby is given to us, just huddling together as a family while we cry and laugh and stare at each other in amazement! I think it would be so wonderful and far outweigh any issues that may arise during the process of the travel.

[Kara_P 13]

I do not have any bio children, but I am in a chat group on yahoo through my agency and this question came up there also.

What several families chose to do was to videotape daily greetings for their bio child staying in the states with family, as well as a small gift for each day that they were gone. The child did well and was waiting for them and the new sibling with open arms.

Just an idea.

Kara

[odi]

We are right there with you. We have a 3 and 5 year old and we went around and around for a while. We just couldn't leave them for two weeks without a parent. So my wonderful husband is staying at home with the boys so that they have one parent and I am going to China with my Mom for help. We opted for me to go since we wanted our daughter to bond with me first since I will be at home with her every day. I know many other parents have the Dad go to keep the home world more stable so that is another option. If you choose to go as a whole family another option is to take Grandma (or a helper) to China to concentrate on your older child while you have appointments.... I understand the day you get your daughter is pretty intense so the Grandma could take your older child for a walk if needed. It is very much like inviting a child into the birth of a sibling. It can be very intense so they need someone to look out for them while you are doing things only you can do.

[ReyMim32]

We chose to leave our bio. son home when we traveled. We made this decision for several reasons:
1. China was the unknown to us. We didn't feel comfortable not knowing if we would be able to meet the needs of our bio. son. We were worried about everything from food to possible medical care.
2. We felt that our new child deserved to have at least the two weeks in CHina of undivided parent time. We had been able to give our bio. son so much longer. We wanted our new child to have time to feel comfortable and confident in his relationship with us.
3. We felt our bio. son was too young to really get everything out of this trip that we would have wanted. We will bring both of our children to China someday when they can both learn and appreciate China.
4. The cost of taking our bio son was quite high. This was low on our priority list, but still important.


We left little gifts for our son to open each day in our absence. We left phone cards for him to call us, too. We have a yahoo group following our adoption journey and used this site to post daily updates. We emailed our son each day without fail. We also bought phone cards for us to be able to call him daily. We talked to our son most days, twice. The only days we did not talk to him and email him were the days we were completing the international leg of our journey.

I am sure you will make the best decision for your family!
Mary