[dakil]

My wife and I need some advice on what our options are now that we've found out we are pregnant. To give a little background, we have one 4 yr old boy (biological) and had three miscarriages after that. Then no luck with IVF so we decided on adoption. We are now probably a month or two from a referral and my wife is pregnant. Given our history, we have to be realistic about the odds of having our baby and we don't want to delay our adoption.

But we've heard that if we tell the agency we are pregnant, they will delay our adoption since they don't want parents to adopt a child and have a child of their own near the same time. Also, we've been told that both parents must go together to China to get our child but the doctors won't want my wife to travel - especially out of the country for two weeks (she would probably be 3-4 months pregnant at that time).

We feel like we are in between a rock and a hard place on this one and would like to know if any one has been in a similar situation and what they recommend.

Thanks.

[drewnsam]

Congratulations on your pregnancy and your impending referral!

Only one parent must travel to China. You will need a power of attorney for your wife. The adoption will not be made final until you return with your daughter and go through proceedings in the US. As for your adoption agency, I don't think they can stop your referral because of the pregnancy. They may have you talk to your SW, but I really don't know what they could do.

If you are really concerned about what your agency will do, why don't you call your agency, you don't have to identify yourself, and ask someone there what would happen if one of their clients became pregnant before referral? You could act like you are just checking them out.

It is always a good idea to have another adult travel with you. It doesn't have to be your spouse. Think about having another family member go with you.

Good Luck!
Sam

[Kara_P 13]

I know with my agency, there was a pregnancy clause in our contract with them. Check your contract first, then contact the agency.

K~

[odi]

For differant reasons I will be traveling to China without my husband. We will be getting our referral very soon and have made plans to have my Mom travel with me. The main difference is the POA and readopting in our state (which will cost less than $750 and will allow easy requests of birth certificates in the future)
Good Luck

[mfrancis]

I have met several people throughout the years who have been in your same situation. The ones who wanted to go through with the adoption, did not mention the fact that the wife was pregnant and the father went on to adopt the child.

And then others feel they cannot handle having two little ones at one time.
That is a decision you and your wife will need to make.
Good luck. I know the decision is hard. You will know in your heart what you need to do.
Mfrancis

[ReyMim32]

Congratulations on your impending referral and pregnancy. What an exciting time in your lives.

Our agency did not have a pregnancy clause... so this would not have been an issue with us.

Only one parent is required to travel, so that should not be an issue.

Whether or not you inform your agency of your pregnancy is a decision you and your wife will need to make. If you feel they need to know.. tell them. If you feel this is personal information.. keep it personal. If having both children in your lives is what you want... Go for it!

Adoption, raising children and such are completely personal decisions.

Best of luck!
Mary

[kwoo]

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, but I don't know which agency they used. The husband and wife both traveled to China, she was 6 months pregnant. This was also awhile back as her girls are I think 9 and 10 now. Anyway, I don't have any firsthand knowledge except to say it worked out for their family!
Kristin

[Dave D]

Congrats on the pregnancy.

If you do decide to talk to your agency anonymously, don't use your home phone - Caller ID.

Any significant change in your status is required to be brought to China's attention, as I understand it. You should do what your conscience will allow. (personally, I don't think I'd tell them if it put the adoption at risk)

You need to make a big choice first. Are you ok with getting 2 kids, or would it be better to only get the one. Also, is adoption something you've felt good about doing?

As I remember, unless your having complications, it's ok to travel while pregnant. I think airlines have a problem with it in the last trimester, or maybe some are ok into 8 months. you should check with them.

Good luck with whatever you do

-David

[hcromwell]

....so much to decide and so many factors involved! Let me begin by congratulating you on your wife's pregnancy. Okay, now on to my two cents worth. Now, think as a non-adopting adult... I know many, many couples who have not informed people they were pregnant until the first trimester was through. This seems to be a "just in case" type thing. So, if you're not planning on travelling until your wife would be around that time I wouldn't tell your agency. I too am a realist and I wouldn't be able to stop wondering if this pregnancy was going to end up going wrong. Let's pray it doesnt....but with the given history it's a possibility. I would hate to have my adoption postponed or cancelled and then lose a pregnancy as well. However, you also need to consider how you and your wife would deal with two very young children so close together. That's a big deal too.
I'm sure you have already thought of all of these things on your own, but I just had to reply to this post.
My husband and I also have lost 2 pregnancies due to them being ectopic......so I can imagine what might be going through your minds right now.
Best of luck in whatever decision you make....and we'll pray for this pregnancy to succeed!

[wannabemama]

Congratulations on the pregnancy and upcoming referral! I think whether or not you can handle two children so close in age is a big decision that has to be made. I'm talking financially, too. If you adopt a girl, then give birth to a girl, that would be a little easier to share clothes and decorations for the baby room with no added expense.

Also, if you notify China, would they then expect your income requirement to go up?? Say you have to be making $40,000 a year now, it would probably go up to $50,000 required now. Just a thought, though I don't know if that's even an issue with you.

Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK! I hope your wife has a great pregnancy and I wish you all well!

[mel452]

I got pregnant right when we started the homestudy. I ended up miscarrying (fourth time in 4 years). The homestudy agency was ok with the pregnancy and I had asked the pregnancy question of my agency when we first signed up because it does happen to people. They said China is better about that now and it wouldn't be a problem. I would check your contract.

I hope everything works out with your pregnancy.

Best of luck.

[iwannabamommy]

Congratulations on your pending referral and the blessing of your pregnancy. I just wanted to share two stories.

First two sets of friends of ours started the adoption process at the same time (both infertility couples as well) one couple for China and one for Gutamela. They both became pregnant during the adoption process. Both couples chose not to tell their agencies and both couples ended up with boys - adopted and biological!! The boys are nine months apart. It was hectic in the beginning, but with the help of family and friends they are all doing wonderfully. It is a transition, but it is easier than you may think and twice the fun and double the LOVE!!!

Second, we have friends who are going through the China adoption process now and have ended up pregnant twice during this time. Both pregnancies have ended in miscarriage. They too struggled with what to tell the agency and worried about travelling during the pregnancy. They chose not to say anything and are very thankful they did not disclose the pregnancies. It would have delayed their adoption and they would not be receiving their beautiful daughter.

No matter what you decide to do, remember, you want a family and whether it is one baby or two that you add you will be blessed and support and help will be offered by many family and friends. You would be surprised how peolpe will react when they find out the great news that you could be expecting two!! This is a decision only you and your wife can make. We can only offer advice and words of encouragement. Good luck and keep us posted!!!

[dakil]

I just wanted to thank everyone for the thoughts and advice about our situation. I also wanted to update everyone on our decision.

After a lot of deliberation, we chose to let our agency know. We knew they had made exceptions in the past and we were also concerned that my wife may not be able to travel, so we thought it better to let them know now rather than try and hide it and put the trip in jeapordy later. They agreed with us and we are proceeding as planned, with the expectation of our referral coming next month which would put us in the December time frame to go to China and get our little girl.

Thanks again for all the information and advice which we both found helpful in making our decision.

[hcromwell]

....that is wonderful! Thank goodness that the agency is understanding and it will not affect your adoption! I wish you and your wife best with your pregnancy and your adoption!

[iwannabamommy]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I will keep you both in my prayers. Friends of our are waiting on their referral as well and should be in China in December also!!!

Good Luck with your adoption and your pregnancy.

Pam