[sisterfortwo]

We're wondering if we should take our 4 year old daughter with us to China when we go to pick up our new addition to the family. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? We're really torn. Thank you.

[sak9645]

... and her personality, health status, and comfort level with the adoption process. Taking a child to meet her new sibling can be a wonderful experience, but it can also be a nightmare.

Think about her overall approach to life. Is she easygoing and flexible, or does she freak out when things aren't done in exactly the same way all the time?

Consider sleep. Is your child comfortable in new beds -- for example, when you have gone on vacation -- or does she freak out if the sheets don't smell the same, the pillow isn't exactly as soft as she likes, and ten million stuffed animals aren't arranged precisely where she wants them? Does she mind being in a new room, or is she convinced that the new closet is full of monsters, or that the furnace noises emanating from the basement really come from big hairy giants? Does she need a certain level of noise or silence, a certain amount of darkness or light? And what happens if she gets to bed a little late or misses a nap, if she still naps. Can she cope, or does she get so overtired and overstimulated that she becomes cranky and ill-behaved, or unable to settle down when bedtime finally arrives.

Sleep is going to be an important subject for you. You will be flying for most of a day and a night, in some cases, and your child will have to sleep on the plane or, at least, not disturb others with her behavior. When you get to China, it will be midnight when her body is ready for lunch, and noon when she is normally sound asleep. She will have to adjust to hotel living and get over jet lag pretty quickly -- or at least learn not to disturb you when YOU are sleeping, just because she is ready to party at 2 a.m. Hong Kong time, and not to be totally uncivilized while out in public.

If your daughter keeps you up all night, you are not going to be in shape to handle the demands of your new child, who may be ill or grieving. And if your daughter is an absolute monster in the daytime because of fatigue, she will disturb members of your group, irritate your Chinese hosts, and probably adjust very poorly to the already big challenge of sharing Mom and Dad with a sibling. If your daughter is not a good sleeper, it might well be best to leave her home with Grandma or a beloved babysitter, and to call her regularly from China.

Feeding is another "litmus test" issue. Is your child an adventurous eater? Does she like to try new foods? Do her friends think she's a little odd because she thinks pickles are cool and looks forward to going to the sushi restaurant? (Yes, I do know some kids who, at four, liked pickles and sushi, though my daughter was definitely not one of them.) Or is she strictly a "blue box kid", who thinks trying a different brand of macaroni and cheese is an adventure to be avoided; that's how my daughter is. Can she behave in a nice restaurant -- one that does NOT give out crayons and kids' toys and that does not look kindly on children leaving their seats to wander around? And if mealtimes get a little off schedule, does she turn into a real brat, or will she be consoled by a handful of animal crackers?

Believe me, the feeding issue will be important in China. If your child does not eat well, she will be out of sorts and could even get sick. I remember taking my extraordinarily picky daughter to North Carolina (just from Washington, DC) when she was younger. She basically didn't eat for three days -- then threw up what little was in her stomach, because of motion sickness.

Yes, the big hotels in the more Westernized cities, like Guangzhou, have a Western menu. Your child WILL find things like Rice Krispies, scrambled eggs, toast, and such -- even an occasional hamburger -- that are recognizable. However, some of those foods may not taste quite like their American counterparts. I must tell you that even some of the adults in my travel group were a bit disappointed by things like the bacon (stronger flavored and less lean) and the hamburgers (just a bit odd, even in the Hard Rock Cafe.) And, yes, you can pack some comfort foods in your suitcase. But you are simply not going to be able to replicate your child's home feeding environment. And if your child is going to be miserable, you simply won't want to bring her to China.

[sak9645]

Another "flexibility" issue concerns how your child relates to others. Is she outgoing -- the sort who chatters merrily to strangers in the supermarket and enjoys both adults and children? Or is she shy and uncomfortable around people she does not know well? If your first child was also adopted from an Asian country, how is she around other Asian people? Some young transracially adopted children love meeting people who look like them. For others, the experience raises fears that these people will "take them away" from their adoptive parents and back to the orphanage.

Two things sometimes raise problems for children, when they go to China. The first is the sheer volume of people. The crowds in the street may be a little scary, as the child contemplates getting lost. And the second is that Chinese people seem to have less concept of "personal space" than many Americans. They will come up close to your child, and even touch her skin or stroke her hair. A blonde, Caucasian child may be quite a curiosity in some parts of China, attracting a tremendous amount of attention. And an Asian child with a Caucasian parent will be confronted with lots of sweet ladies who will want to know all about her circumstances, whether she speaks Chinese, and so on. The attention is perfectly harmless and innocent; most Chinese people love Americans and have no problems with adoption. But your child could well be terrified, unless she is very easygoing AND outgoing.

If your child is timid and clingy, much as you may want to have her with you, it might be better to leave her with a loved and trusted relative. She is likely to be very uncomfortable, to let that discomfort affect her ability to enjoy the trip and her new sibling, and to put you in the position of having to carry both her AND the new baby!

There are other "flexibility" issues to consider, as well. But let's look at another topic -- health. Is your child the kid who never comes down with all the crud going around her preschool? Or does she get every bug that's out there? Does she have allergies or asthma? Does she have any other chronic health problems? Is she a cooperative sort, who will understand and comply with special hygiene considerations -- such as the need to avoid drinking tap water? Or is she sometimes rather impulsive or
stubborn, when it comes to remembering rules?

When you go to China, you will be in an environment where there are many variants of viruses and bacteria that will be unknown to your child's system, and to yours. Many well-traveled adults become sick on the China trip, either with respiratory infections or "tummy bugs". A child who tends to catch things easily may be even more susceptible. If your child is inclined to get every bug that comes down the pike, she could easily come down with a miserable cold, bronchitis, ear infections, gastroenteritis, influenza, or worse. This will really make it difficult for you to parent your new child and to enjoy becoming acquainted with your child's province.

There is a need, in China, for especially good hygiene. Your child simply will have to remember to follow some rules very carefully, or risk getting seriously ill. As an example, the tap water should not be drunk, under any circumstances, unless it has been boiled for at least five minutes, and ice made from unboiled tap water also must not be used. Teeth should be brushed using boiled or bottled water, and shower or bath water should not be swallowed. Raw fruits and vegetables should not be eaten unless they can be peeled. Raw or rare meat, fish, and shellfish should be avoided entirely, and it is best to eat well-cooked foods. While the milk in the big, Western-style hotels is fine, avoid it elsewhere unless you or your guide checks to see that it has been pasteurized. Frequent handwashing is a must, especially before meals; if you suspect that a sink won't be readily available, carry antibacterial hand sanitizer.

If your child has a lot of allergies, be aware that it may not always be easy to determine if a particular food item contains something that she shouldn't eat. There may also be allergens in the bedding or the air, and the air pollution found in many parts of China sometimes makes allergy and asthma symptoms worse.

If your child does get sick easily, or has asthma and allergies, or has a chronic disease such as diabetes, and you do choose to bring her to China, remember to consult with your doctor about medications to bring with you. Allergy and asthma patients should probably be on a regimen of preventive medications, and should also carry emergency supplies.

And do remember that Western-style medical care may not be available.

[sak9645]

Chinese medical care works, and many Americans have used it successfully. But you probably won't be totally comfortable with it, unless you have had some experience with it at home. And the recommendations of a practitioner trained in Chinese medicine may be inconsistent with the recommendations of your pediatrician back home.

Western medical care may be available in some large cities, but don't expect an emergency medicine system complete with a "911" calling system, ambulances with trained personnel at the door in five minutes, and so on. Getting care for a life-threatening emergency can be a problem.

And don't expect all the wonderfully flavored medicines given to American kids. If you are given an antibiotic for your child, while in China, it may be a pill with a very bitter flavor that will be hard to mask, even if you chop it up in food. My travel group got those sorts of tablets when our new kids came to us with bronchitis; there's no way my daughter would have taken them. And I didn't even try to use the cough medicine that was dispensed. Its main ingredient was snake bile (!), and it looked very nasty, although one of the women in our group was able to persuade her daughter to take it.

Let me talk about one more topic, and that is your child's feelings about getting a sibling and "sharing" her Mom and Dad.

How much does your daughter understand about adoption and getting a sibling? Does she REALLY understand that there will be a new child in her life 24/7? Does she REALLY understand that little babies need lots of attention? Does she REALLY understand that babies and toddlers will grab her toys, pull her hair, cry when she's trying to sleep, and so on?

These are not questions you can just ask her. You have to go by your experience in related situations. How does your daughter react when you hold some relative's baby? Does she seem to like it, or does she become intensely jealous, and maybe regress a little in her behavior? When children come to play at your house, does she share her toys readily, or does she get extremely possessive? Does she "mother" younger children who may be present, or does she get mad because they are too young to understand how to play a game? Does she know any children her age who have younger siblings? What does she say about their situation?

You have to understand that almost every child, regardless of whether she is easygoing or intense, DOES go through some difficult moments when a new baby enters the family, by birth or by adoption. Even the best prepared, most wonderfully relaxed child is likely to have at least one meltdown, and probably more than one, once you have your child with you in your hotel room. She may even scream, "TAKE THAT BABY BACK! I DON'T WANT A SISTER! I WANT TO GO HOME!" So you'd better be prepared for it, even if your child is a model of flexibility.

However, some children will definitely have it worse than others. These children -- usually children who are pretty intense and clingy even in the best of circumstances -- may have toileting accidents; sleep disturbances; tantrums; episodes of babyish behavior in which they want to use baby-talk, be carried, and so on; and outbreaks of negative behaviors and defiance.

The question must be raised, if you think your child may be in the latter category, as to whether you want to face these behaviors while you are in China, dealing with an unfamiliar situation, travel group members who want a pleasant trip, and your Chinese hosts, or whether it might be better for you to get your daughter adjusted to life with a sibling once you are on home soil.

On the other hand, if you feel that your child will do at least moderately well, and that you can cope with any behaviors that do arise, remember that she can be a help, as well as a hindrance, as you relate to your newly adopted baby.

Your new baby is likely to be terrified of you, because you don't look like anyone she's ever seen, smell of different foods and fragrances, talk in a strange language, and so on. But she is a lot less likely to be afraid of a child -- for children seem to speak a universal language, based on play. Seeing that your child loves you may reassure her that you are, indeed, a parent, not a monster. And playing with your child may help her get through her grief and shock.

Also, if your current child attends a preschool, she may be very excited about telling her classmates about her trip to China. You may well be able to help her forget her complaining and whining about the foods she misses and such, by encouraging her to keep a record of some sort about various aspects of her trip to China. Perhaps you can take some time, each day, for her to dictate to you a journal entry, indicating what she saw or did and how she felt about it. Perhaps you can help her gather small souvenirs from various aspects of her trip to paste in a book, and let her dictate their labels. You can also take a Polaroid camera, take some pictures of interesting sights, and jot down her comments -- or simply have her draw pictures related to her experiences, and tell you what they are.

Whatever your decision is, related to taking your daughter to China, have a great trip -- and a great life as the parent of two wonderful children.

Sharon

[sisterfortwo]

Wow, that was an amazing reply. Thank you so much, Sharon, for sharing so much with us. Some of the things you mentioned we had considered, but not all of them. We have a lot to think about and decide. Your message was very helpful. Thank you again.