[kay72]

Hi!
We are seriously considering adding to our bio family of three kids, ages 9, 6, and 4. I'd appreciate input from families who've done the same, especially those who've adopted internationally. We're still in the ambivalent stage, but if we go for it, it will be to get a daughter from China. How did you broach the subject with the kids, especially the older ones? Did you encounter resistance, and how did you deal with it? I've read about the bio kids feeling less-than-special because so much is done to make the adopted child feel like she belongs as much as the "home-grown" ones. We would never ask their opinion re: whether or not we should get pregnant, and wonder if it's best to say "here's what we're planning, how do you feel about that?" I know we can't avoid all conflicts, but it'd help a lot to know some of what we may expect.
Kay

[cj416]

Well, we have an 8 and a 4 year old. We have talked to them both about it, but more in depth with the 8 year old. They are actually excited about it. I told them at first we would have to buy a little girl a lot of new things, because she won't have anything. We said it's not cause we will love her more, it's just because she hasn't had all the nice things they have had their whole lives. The oldest understood and thought it was sad that should didn't have the things they do.
I think kids understand alot more than we give them credit for.

[lerstswede]

Those are great suggestions...anyone else who is in this situation?

And, Kay:
I am in completely the same situation and have so many questions!! My kids are 5, 3, and 7 mos. I thought we were "done" after #3, but I have a burning desire (and have for years) to adopt a child, particularly a girl from China. I can't get it out of my mind. Plus, it seems lately that everywhere I turn there is someone who adopted a child internationally or a story about it. It is almost feels like a constant reminder, like its my destiny or something!

Anyway, I am also not sure how it will affect my kids--will they be excited and loving? Resentful? They are so little that maybe they won't have any of these feelings and will accept her just like their siblings? I lovemy kids to death and don't want to do anything that would change the love in our family; I guess I just need to look into it more and see where my heart takes me?

Kristina

[Shelley]

We have 3 bio and adopted a daughter from Korea. We originally planned on China but for various reasons went to Korea. We did speak to our boys about adopting, after all it does affect them. Plus the most important thing is during the homestudy the SW will speak to each child and ask how they feel about it. Our boys absolutely adore Emma. They were excited it about it from the start, but once she came home it amazed me so much how instantly they fell in love with her, and she with them. They tote her around like a sack of "taters" and she loves it. Our boys are older, 14, 13 and 10, but I would advise speaking with them, not for their permission, but to get an idea of their feelings. Anyway for what it's worth there's my $0.02 worth. Shelley

[denise marie]

My children are 15,11,and 10.When we made the decision to adopt internationally from India.We talked to our children.They were very happy about it.We involved them in every step of the process.We adopted an older child she was 7 yrs when she came home.I also explained that she would need extra attention for awhile and also about buying her new things.They helped pick her toys and clothes out so i belive that helped.They would draw her pictures and we gave them to her when she came home.My kids fell in love with her right away.all 4 of our children are very close.We are now in the process of adopting a soon to be 4 yr old boy.He will be home in january and they are anxiously awaiting baby brother.I was afraid as to how the children would act about us adopting both times.You would not believe how children will amaze you.They were excited from the get go.

[kay72]

Thanks to all of you who replied. It seems that once I started thinking and praying about it, it just wouldn't leave me (the thoughts of adopting from China). The whole idea never entered my DH's mind, and I decided that I would mention it, and tell him how strong my desire is, then let him "marinate" on the idea. I will not badger him into agreeing, and for awhile I thought he'd forgotten. But every now & then, he'll bring it up, and recently said, "Y'know, I think I want to do it!" PTL! Anyway, I feel it'll be a process that may still take some time (leading up to signing the papers), but I know there's a greater "Plan" than my desires. The child we are destined to have will come to us in God's Time, and not a moment sooner. In that, I find peace even though I want to board a plane and go get her today. Let me say that it didn't help to read "I Love you like Crazy Cakes." I bawled my eyes out. Like Kristina, I now see little adopted Asian girls everywhere, and my throat gets tight (Saturday, Wal-Mart parking lot...sigh...). I want to use this waiting time to gently introduce our children to the idea of families adopting, Asian culture, etc. Thanks for reading my ramblings...it's so great to have a place to go and find hearts that are in the same place!
Blessings to you all,
Kay
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[lerstswede]

Another thing that I've been struggling with in regards to adopting and making us a family of 4 kids: am I capable of taking care of 4 kids?!! My husband is totally involved/helpful when he is home and on the weekends, but he often gets home late during the week and travels sometimes (I am a at-home Mom).

After having a long talk with him about adopting, he told me that a lot of the work, i.e. shuffling the kids here and there to school, sports, other activities; volunteering in their classes, taking them to Dr's appts, etc.etc will be on me. This is so true, so is this do-able to the level that I want (i.e. I want my kids to be active and I want to be really involved in their lives)? I desperately want to add a girl to our family, but I just don't want it to put me over the edge. I am very busy now as it is with the 3 active boys. What if we adopt her and then I say "why did I do this?! It is too much!!"

Those of you with 3 and now are adding or have added #4, can you comment? I am losing sleep over this!

Thank you so much!

[Shelley]

It takes a bit of getting used to, but it is doable. We have 3 boys, 14,13 and 10, and adopted our daughter from Korea in Aug. I wont sugar coat it and say it's always a piece of cake, but just like going from 2 to 3, it takes some getting used to and then one day you think, what was I ever worried about. Sometimes compromises have to be made, someone might need to miss something so that someone else can do something that's really important to them. Or work out carpool schedules with other parents that you feel comfortable driving your children around. 3 to 4 was tough, but I think 4 to 5 is going to be much more difficult and justy as much fun. Ten days after returning from Korea we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Shelley
PS never turn away offers of help!!!

[lerstswede]

Shelley,
I never thanked you for writing with your helpful advice, so a belated, Thanks! We are still doing a lot of talking, thinking and soul searching, but are moving forward with it. I know others with 4 kids who say what you did: eventually you adjust and then it is no big deal. I hope so!!
Congratulations on your pregnancy! That is a amazing story! Luckily your 3 oldest kids can help you out!
take care!
Kristina