[momraine]

Does your child get stares in public? How do you handle them? Do you get people asking questions? How do you handle that?

[bromanchik]

I know a woman from a large, multi-ethnic family. Some of the kids had disabilities too. She said they would stare back... the whole group of them. She said if they were feeling particularly evil they would stae at private parts and make hand gestures to indicate smallness. She said it worked every time.

[momraine]

LOL, my kids attract a lot of stares. We laugh at people who are trying to pretend not to look. I don't mind questions, if they are not too intense. Kids questions are usually fine. Adults tend to be strange. I would rather children ask us then for thier parents to tell them to pretend we are not there.

[Vogi2002]

My sister is 17 and has CP, in a wheelchair completely handicapped. Oh yeah...and she is AA and we are CC. LOL Oh yeah do we get stares.

We stared back...or wave (that is hilarious). If the stares are nice, we usually ignore them...if they are rude I stare rudely back. We get questions & answer them if they are just curious. I think it's really funny when people go up to her and start talking to her & expect her to answer (she is very obviously handicap) then she looks at them with this dull look because she doesn't know who the heck they are & it takes her a while to warm up to people (except boys for some reason LMAO - seriously!).

For the most part we give people a break...I mean I understand that most of it is curiousity, it's just annoying.

[momraine]

My kids have the opposite problem, my son is always in a wheelchair and my daughter is sometimes. Both are cognatively normal and both can speak just fine (too well sometimes! LOL) but people come up and talk over them as if they are deaf or something or they give them babytalk (both are 8 years old)
My daughter especially hates people who come up and say things like "oh you poor baby" it really annoys her and strangers who offer to pray for her. I know they mean well, but they don't know her to know what to pray for. If they ask her she will tell them she would be praying for a cell phone, a horse and to be allowed to wear make up! LOL, she would not be praying for legs or anything they think she would.
The other thing I hate is when people give gifts to my disabled kids, without asking me and ignoring my other kids.

[Tudu]

My 6 yr old has CP and she is extremely uncomfortable about comments, questions, or stares. She goes so far as to think everything is about her. The other day we were getting gas and both the van doors were open while the kids were in their seats waiting. A car load of teen boys started laughing and pointing at our van so our dd started crying that they were laughing at her. I quickly pointed out that she was in the back seat, they couldn't even see her, and her sister had just tooted making us all gag and make crazy faces as we gasped for air.

I don't mind when folks ask but it is rude to stare at us or make comments about our size or disability. I can turn from giggling to demon possessed in a matter of seconds when they comment on my lack of birth control. We do wave back or smile when they don't stop and are working with our kids to feel good enough about themselves that they don't sob when someone says something.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

When I used to work in group homes and took residents out into the community, I would often use the "kill them with kindness" approach. I would look back and them, smile, and say "Hi," as if I had no clue they were being rude. In most cases the person would be completely embarrassed/flustered, so then I would tell the resident "geez, don't know what their problem was ... all I did was say hi."

[greenrobin]

Or, you could look back, pretend to recognize them, and say, "Hey! I though that was you! It's been so long! Tell me what you've been up to!" Then enjoy the backpeddling!

I think the talking over the kid thing is really common, not necessarily in response to the wheelchairs, prostheses or whatever. People just tend to treat kids as though they can't hear or understand you if you're big.

As far as praying goes, I had a preacher one time who told us that whenever approached, just prop up the "offending" part and say, "Have at it!" It won't hurt, could help, and puts the rude person on the spot.

Besides, it's funny to watch the nice people try to figure out how to gracefully leave.

[Rondidondi]

I have a 9 yr old son that is legally blind. He often uses a white, and when he does people tend to stare at him.
One time I looked at a gentleman and said, "Watch out someday he's going to be driving!" Of course he won't ever drive, but this gentleman was embarrassed to be caught staring.
I often get glares and comments because I'm not helping him with everything. He needs to learn his independence, just like any other child.
Stares I can handle, it's when I hear people laughing at him that really bothers me. That gets me so angry, I just want to go off on them. So far, I've maintained my cool. I'll sometimes just say, "It's not funny." here to they become embarrassed for getting caught.

[momraine]

I have not had much problem with laughing, but stares and whispers. Lots of double takes. I do get dirty looks when I say no to a child in a wheelchair or refuse to help them. I often use the phrase do it yourself, you're not handicapped. They don't understand that kids in wheelchairs just like any other kid sometimes does things they are not supposed to and get in trouble, they get grounded, they get lectured, they also pretend they can't do things they can. In a way more than with a so called normal kid, they need to learn independance. My goal for all of my kids is that they will be able to live alone, get a job, go to college, marry and have kids if they want. In order for them to be able to move out on thier own, they have to learn to do things without help.
They same people who would give me dirty looks if I didn't disclipline my able bodied kids, give me dirty looks when I do disclipline my kids who have missing limbs.

[Rondidondi]

These people that stare...I like to think that they are "just watching" my INCREDIBLE son. I'm sure they are feeling bad for him. As I do everyday. I think it's just their lack of knowledge. It's something they don't see everyday. They are "interested" in my child so they watch him and I interpret it as staring. Hope I'm right.
Silly but...I'm kinda happy he can't see them staring, I'm sure he wouldn't like it. How do your'r kids handle the stares. Are they as aware of them as you?
I hate to admit it, but when I found out he was going blind I had the fear he would get the "sunk in eyes" like some blind people have. This only giving more reason for people to stare.

[Tudu]

Originally Posted by momraine

I often use the phrase do it yourself, you're not handicapped.

I have caught myself saying the same thing, it makes the kids laugh now but they used to get all huffy and protective. Mine likes the sympathy and loves to pretend she can't do anything. We had to start a rule about her being carried b/c everyone would carry this kid. She also got out of all her chores at home and school, she got other kids to do it for her. Her teacher was so protective of her we had to deal with it at the Principal's level. She is a master manipulator with her big brown pitiful eyes.

[momraine]

I have a little manipulater too. He is very tiny for his age (cause he won't eat) and in a wheelchair and has the longest eyelashes and a cute smile. Last year we got lucky with a teacher who was not conned. I hope we do again this year. He alternates between wanting the attention and wanting to be indipendant.
As for my kids and the stares, my little manipulater loves it, he loves any kind of attention. My daughter is the opposite, she hates it. We had to practice how to answer questions and stuff at home. That helped her handle it much better. Of course she also has issues with compliments and so we had to practice how to respond to those too.

[2Newmom]

I have a four year old son who has a severe speech delay/impairment. It is very important that he is encouraged to speak and use words. However, when we are in public we always get stares as most of what he says are not words or are sounds. People then think he does not understand when he understands pefectly what is being said. My son is also AA and I am Caucasian so we get a lot of looks. I have also found that most people just stare but do not ask questions.

So, my favorite way to handle stares is to ask the individual staring if I owe them money? My DH taught me that phrase as we are a bi-racial couple and he would say it to people when they stare at us. I find that this phrase really catches people off guard!!! I know it sounds silly but it gets the point across without being nasty. (I smile when I say it!).

I love hearing new ideas on ways to handle this topic also.

[Guatemom]

My youngest son has a cleft lip, yet to be repaired (long story; we're waiting on Shriners' decision and surgery consult). At any rate, boy oh boy do we ever get stares, whispers, and lots of questions. I don't mind questions from the kiddos. It's adults who use it as an invasive tool to start prodding in general. I'm quickly learning when someone is genuinely curious, and when they're just being plain mean. The mean folks I just do not tolerate!