[momraine]

I am trying to get to know more people here.
So, if you feel comfortable please share how you came to decide to adopt a child with special needs.
Also would you do it again?

[Abdulina]

We honestly didn't start off to adopt special needs children. It just kind of happened. It seems they always find their way here--LOL. Like 7 months ago when we got Alyona and Nik. Told Nik was mute due to trauma. No idea he would be deaf-blind. Alyona we knew was FAS, (I should know I have 4 of them!) but that was about it. She is FAS/ devel. delays/ FTT(failure to thrive)/ ONH(optic Nerve hypoplasia)/ holes in heart/ MMR/ probable dwarfism and who knows what else. The one before that was Bojan who we knew was missing his leg. No big deal. We were told the clubfoot was fixed. Nope. But, I can deal w/ those issues. But his infantile continual crying at nothing and the spoiled rotten orphanage syndrome that we have going on is driving us insane. So emotionally immature. I would not mind adopting another special needs child but don't ask me that today! I've had the worst day this year w/ these kids and right now, they're all on the choping block--LOL. So the idea of any more right in this moment in time is NO WAY. I know once today passes, I'm more apt to say I'd do it again.

I don't know if you all are this way but I find the physical disabilities so much easier to deal w/ then the ones w/ severe behavioral/mental issues. Is this true of some of you out there as well? Just curious.

Take care,

[momraine]

We didn't plan to adopt a special needs child either. In fact dh never planned to adopt at all! I had always wanted to adopt and always wanted lots of kids. Dh was overwhelmed when our boys were born so close together and we realized that I hate housework, LOL.
Two things happened very close to each other. One: I was searching the web for some deaf friends and ended up on a website with photos of children who needed homes (deaf) for some reason, even though that's not what I was looking for, I kept ending up on that page, and this one boy Nikolai, I could not forget. I just couldn't put it out of my mind. At the same time we got a new pastor (we are Methodist and the like to move pastors around every couple of years) and his passion was Russian orphans. He had gone on a mission trip and been allowed in a special needs orphanage. He brought back pictures of children tied to beds and such. They were all so thin and frail and he told me some of them really did not have that much wrong with them. One, just was shy and would not talk to the lady who came to test him. I decided right then and there we needed to adopt from Russia. So first I ordered stuff from every agency I could find. Then I had a talk with dh who told me we could not afford it. Not wanting to tell me no, and crush me, he gave me a number (half of the lowest one) and said that he would do it if it cost less than that. I was awake praying all night. The next day I got a note in the mail, a new agency was starting, the lady was a friend of our pastor's and she was willing to give us a huge discount if we would be the first family through the new program. Her figure came in just under dh's! Of course then we found out there were other fees, starting with the homestudy, which we ended up getting for free!
Anyway then we did all the paperwork and nothing happened. We ended up moving and nothing happened. Then some missionaries contacted us about a boy they had found who was missing a leg and had a club foot in Ekat. Would we be interested? Well, I did a lot of research because at first I thought no way that kid could live in our two story house, also I kind of wanted a girl by this point having two boys. Well, finally I said yes, and then it falls through. So finally we get a letter in Russian from the region that offers me my choice of nine special needs children and I need to go there and choose one, now this was not the way things were done back then, but I was so desperate and there were rumors of Russia shutting down, so I jumped on it and jumped on a plane. Anyway, because of the little boy I asked to see limb different kids first, some of the children had heart defects and I knew it could be nothing or it could be something that would kill them before I could get them home, so I only felt comfortable with the limb different ones since I had researched that. Long story short I found my daughter. Six years later we got a call out of the blue about a baby in a domestic situation, and decided to go for it, but that didn't work out, but that made me want another child, so we started our search. I knew I wanted another limb different child. And just when I gave up, we got a call about our son. I would love another one, but dh is saying NO.
Since I have one with some issues now, I definataly feel the physical issues are way easier than the emotional ones!

[Lylac]

I have to agree that kids with physical disabilties are easier. But I am a parent of 2 w/PD's. If you asked a parent that only had kids with emotional issues, they'd say that their kids are easier to parent.

I think it's whatever becomes normal for your family.
Just as Lorraine wanted kids that are differently limbed (love that name for it), just as I wanted kids that have SBS.

[momraine]

I think that is true, you get used to it and it no longer seems difficult to you. For me if I get to adopt more, I will adopt more limb different kids. You will probably keep adopting SBS kids. We get comfortable with what we know. Every now and then someone will stare at my son and I am thinking what are they looking at, and have to remember that most people have never seen a kid like him before. There are things that are a pain, like when we go to an amusement park and he can't ride the rides because the lap bars don't work on a kid with no lap, or when the lift for the wheelchair breaks or we can't find a parking place or someone parks in the blue lines so we can't open the lift to put him back in the van. But most of the time we just don't think about it. For us he is normal, and dealing with my daughter's legs is normal. I think it's awesome that there are people willing to deal with each type of disability. I don't think I could take on a teen with RAD, but there are those willing to do that. Some people tell me they could not handle my kids, but to me they are easy. I even think that if the right child comes along in a year or so, dh won't be able to say no.

[Lylac]

LOL..I've told the RAD mom's & dad's I take my hat off to them. There's noway I could parent their children. And they feel the same about ours. Thats whats so amazing about our group. Each of our kids have different SN's, but yet we're all the same. A Family of Special Needs Parents

[Abdulina]

I have the RAD kids and they ARE difficult to parent. But again, you get used to different things. We had no problem 7 months ago adopting another FAS kid. We ahve 4 officially dx'd w/ FAS and one probable. (just don't have the label on her). Would I adopt another RAD child knowingly...NO. HOwever, would I keep and love them...absolutely. We were told to disrupt our son when he came home as no psychiatrist in the entire area was willing to take his case. 20 of the 21 symptoms of RAD. He was 5 at the time. Came home at 3, almost 4yo. I healed him myself. I so want to take him back ot all the professionals and say "see, it CAN work if you stick to it." He's a normal 7 yo boy now. Out to the movies right now w/ his friends and their mom. Could I have let him out of my sight just a year and a half ago,.no.

I have to agree, it is what you get used to. We would adopt another FAS, limb difference or even Deaf child again. Had someone told me years ago I'd adopt a deaf-blind child, I'd say no way I could do it. Now we have Nik and he's such a joy. Some things are just meant to be. They find a way, that's for sure. We had no idea Nik would be Deaf-blind. I was terrified of having a deaf-blind child. Shoot, before we got Bojan, I was terrified how I'd react to his leg. Not knowing anything about missing limbs at the time. Terrified. Now, I can tell you when he needs adjusting, listen and tellyou when there's something wrong w/ the parts, fix it, etc. It honestly is a comfort level you get used to.

It's also nice nowadays to be able to talk to other parents who've btdt and can teach us about certain disabilities. It hink that helps alot more people nowadays be able to adopt special needs.

Got to run. Hvae a great week.

Take care,

[momraine]

I honestly think people can handle far more than they think they can. I think if someone had told me before I got P that I could handle a kid like M, I might not have beleived it. Now, I have no problem. While it's true it does limit us far more than we would have thought, adn as he gets older it will get harder. This country is not nearly as wheelchair accessable as we think it is. Most restaraunts for example and some stores are not really good, things are too close together for a power chair. To go to the dentist I have to park in the back (blocking in all the empolyees) and take him in the back. The cost of driving the big van and other things that we had not really considered are frustrating, but we would not consider changing.
Here is something interesting. When I told people we were going to get M, Some of the people who were the most shocked and had semi negative reactions were bio parents of kids similarly disabled. One parent I know was supportive right away and all the adoptive parents of such kids. One mom finally explained it me, (she did become supportive later as they all did when he was actually home) she said that she had not chosen this life and often wishes things were different and that her child had been born whole, plus there is the guilt that perhaps there was something she did to cause it. Since she would give anything to have a healthy child, she did not get why I given a choice would choose this life. I can't explain it either. I do remember specifically saying, I wanted to adopt a child whom no one else wanted. I did not want a newborn that had people lined up. Let them have the newborns, I have had that experience and though I love, love, love babies, I will give that to someone else. Right now, I would adopt more, but I think we have found dh's limit.

[Barksum]

We don't have children with visible physical disabilities...just the invisible kind. LOL We didn't plan to adopt special needs, either. Funny how that seems to be a common thread running through many families who have adopted special needs! We had discussed adoption when we were first married, but as we lived in a travel trailer, then moved to a single wide mobile home which we remodeled...then moved again...well, we kind of put it off until 'we were settled'. Additionally we had a surprise bio baby and my health was a bit fragile for awhile.

We finally adopted when we were contacted about a relative in foster care who was likely going to go on to TPR. We got the homestudy and licensing all done for that, and then weren't chosen as the adoptive family for that child. (Another relative was matched with the child.) Anyway, there we were with a crisp and fresh new homestudy and an equally shiny new foster license, so our adoption cw suggested that we consider adopting a waiting child from foster care. Sure, in for a penny in for a pound. Right? We were just very clear that we couldn't adopt a child with FAS/FAE, only minimal special needs, etc.

We now have 3, possibly 4, with probable FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder), one who had emotional stuff relating to neglect, one who had significant speech delay, one with SI stuff, and it looks like one or two may have some mild cognitive delays. Since it is the brain we are dealing with no two are alike, and the 'gaps' (hiccups, processing issues, whatever) are different for each of them.

If you'd suggested to me 7 years ago that I'd have 5 children, 3 or 4 of whom would have special needs (we're not sure about adopted child #4, but suspect alcohol), I would have laughed in your face! LOL Not ME! Ha ha, silly you! We were being careful and screening diligently so as NOT to adopt a child with FASD. Ah, but what did we know THEN?

I do think that physical issues are easier for me than emotional. The attachment stuff just wearies me beyond all bearing. We have two with mild attachment problems, and have fostered one with some more worrisome attachment problems as well. I don't think I'm cut out for parenting more than mild attachment issues! ...but then...I didn't think I was cut out for FASD, either, so what do I know?! LOL

[Mamaswheels]

We have always had other families children in our home for many reasons. And going for adoptions was never any problem with my husband or myself. Our first two were almost 10 years apart and totally different situations/kids.Then we sort of fell into the fostercare of the medical specialneeds and couldn't let one go back into a terrible system. We ended up taking guardianship as he wasn't free for adoption.After we had him for almost 10 yrs we filed to adopt with the family agreement.After all of the paperwork was done to start the waiting time he died. We knew he was supposed to not live a long time but had almost forgot as he had managed to go so far.But afterwards we decided to go the extra way and continue with a special adoption.We got a newborn a couple of months later and he is now 6. And then it just seemed we needed more and managed to get a couple of other boys a few years apart from a different state.One is now 10 and the other one was 7 but we lost him this past May. That has been the hardest part when our kids die before we are ready to let go.We have said room for one more so just refiled for any other specialneeds child. But our state has decided that we have to go through the entire paperwork from day one again.So may be a long time to have just the special one come here again.We usually don't take the emotional needs. But one of our adult kids is bipolar.As we are doing the medically kids only now. All of ours are in wheelchairs and are tube fed. Can't imagine life without our kids.

[momraine]

Welcome, I hope you will continue to post! We need more people on this board!