My boyfriend (age 37) was adopted at 6 mos; his younger brother was also adopted 1 year later by the same family. I think he had a very loving, good relationship with his adoptive parents but both passed away 2 and 3 years ago. He is very moody, angry and often depressed with low self esteem.
I have been reading a lot about adult adoptees and I really want him to talk to someone about his feelings. He says 'being adopted' is 'not an issue' but he mentions it all the time in different ways.
How can I help? How can I steer him in the right direction? It really upsets me to see him suffering.

[dymoguy]

Wow - first of all I would like to acknowledge you for your attempt to understand adoption on behalf of your boyfriend. You must really love him and I am certain it must be difficult to see him suffering.

I was in a simular place with regards to my adoption - at 6 months I was placed. Adoption never seemed to be the issue conected to my depression, lonliness and other personal issues in my adult life. It was not until a friend lent me a book on adoption that my eyes opened and I learned that there are so many other people who have the same issues as I.

Betty Jean Lifton has several books on adoption - all of which I would highly recommend. Lost and Found being one of my favorites.

My suggestion buy it, read it, and keep it visible. Do not push it upon him as it really frustrated me when others tried to tell me that adoption was at the core of my issues. Curiousity lead me to start reading and I found myself conected to each person Ms. Lifton writes about.

I am certain that once your boyfriend sees a connection between himself and the issues presented in this book, he will begin to explore on his own.

Good luck and thank you for caring for him - he needs all the encouragement he can get.

Thanks for your response and encouragement. Recently, in the last 2 weeks, he has started to talk about adoption more and other related issues, such as the death of his parents and all the feelings that brought out. I also know that this is a particularly difficult time of the year for him-like it is for a lot of people - because the holidays make him miss his parents more.
I read "Being Adopted-The Lifelong Search for Self" which I thought was really good-very balanced and objective.
I would like for him to read it but I don't know how to go about approaching it. You suggest just leave it lying around, but I think that is a bit too passive. I prefer to be more direct, but not blunt.

Thanks again for your suggestion and I must say that after doing my own reading and research, I have a whole new sense of compassion and empathy for all adoptees.

[kimilps2835]

I understand what youre going through, my girlfriend is also adopted and she says that all she needs from me is to be there for her so thats what i do. i also take it upon myself to try to help her find her birth parents, try to be strong for him and good luck to the both of you!