[momof2adopted]

I could use some advice on a situation. We have a Bmom that is 15, is having a hard time letting go. Our DS is 4 months old, the Bmom calls once a week, has visited 4 times and we took our conserns to the agency we are working with. They set up a covenant stating bi-weekly calls, letter and pictures once a month and updating website. I want 1 call a month update web and maybe a few e-mails. Agency think that this is minimal contact and not enough. Any Advice is apprecitated.

[crick]

Just because the agency makes a recommendation, it doesn't mean you have to agree to it. There should be a meeting of the minds between you and bmom, not what the agency wants. Is there a compromise between what you offered and what bmom would like?

What I would do is post this in the Open Adoption or General Adoptive Parents section to get more responses.

[lovemy2boys]

I agree with Crick - our agency gave us suggestions, but said that the agreement should reflect what we are all comfortable with...

I'd offer your suggestion to the firstmom and see how she feels about it - if she has some other things that she'd like to add, then discuss it between your two families - you should only agree to what you are comfortable with, and what you will stick to (as should she).

Good luck!

[Isabo]

May I ask what was your original understanding or agreement with your child's first mom - the understanding before TPR? What did she understand that your relationship would be like? What did you understand it would be like? What did the agency counsel her that she could expect in an open adoption?

[elledarcy]

I also wonder what you discussed prior to placement. Did you agree to face-to-face visits and now want to cut these off? This is why the agency may be giving you some resistance. That said, you shouldn’t have to agree to anything you don’t feel would be in the best interest of your child.

Our DD is 3 months old and her bmom was 17 when she placed her with us. She and I talk via email occasionally and on the phone about once a month. We also agreed before placement to have visits once a month for the first six months, which we are currently doing.

Having visits is very difficult, especially in the beginning. If you agreed to do this before placement, please consider keeping this in effect as something that will benefit your DS in the future. Remember, and open adoption isn’t really about making the bparents or aparents feel good about themselves (a lot of times it makes it very hard!), it’s about your child. If you feel like visits and calls aren’t in your child’s best interest, then you are right to limit them. But, if you are cutting things off because it’s too difficult for you (which I know they can be tough!) please reconsider.

I don’t ever think you can expect your son’s bmom to completely “let go.” I think what you should expect is for her to be respectful of your role as parents and honest about her situation. What other counseling is the agency giving her? Does she have family and friends that are helping her through this? This might be why she seems very attached.

[jpchief2]

Our son's bmom was 18 when he was born. When she first came to see him, I always wondered what she thought. Our relationship has blossomed since, it has now been 3 years. We chose to have a very open adoption from the beginning. She is like a little sister to us and says that being around him reminds her that what she would have given him isn't like what he has now. She still has a hard time around his birthday, but I don't really think that will ever go away. We saw her about three times a month and talked 4-5 times a month in the beginning. Now, she doesn't keep in contact as much and we may talk once a month. My son asks to call her and knows who she is which I think it the most important....he will thank us when he gets older for staying in contact.