[saspaul]

Perhaps someone can help us.We adopted our daughter, the day after she was born, and we have had periodic contact with the birth mother, who we really like. She ended up marrying the birth father, and they now have two young children. Our daughter is now nine years old, and she has known she was adapted from the beginning. And we've always promised her that she would be able to meet her birth family when she was older, with the idea that when she was 18 she could make the decision as to when. We are now rethinking that decision, and she periodically mentions a "hole in her heart" or a feeling of loneliness that I believe is common to adopted children. We just heard from the birth mother again, and learned about her current family situation, which is very good. They are very willing to establish contact, but also respectful if that does not fit what's best for our daughter. Coincidentally, we found that they had moved and now live quite close to where our oldest daughter is going to college, so that setting up a meeting would be quite easy from the physical/travel/proximity standpoint. My gut feeling at this point is that the truth is always best. And that my daughter might benefit from meeting her birth family, especially since she has two full blood. Younger siblings. The cautious side of me, worries that this might cause problems for both families and especially for our daughter.



Do any of you have experience with a situation like this, or have any advice? Do any of you know, professionals that we could consult that have experience with situations like this?

Thank you for any input, you can provide

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[LadyBugz]

Welcome to the boards saspaul! I'm afraid your question will not get the attention it deserves here on the Catholic board (which is mainly frequented for questions about Baptisms, lol). Might I suggest cross-posting it in another forum as well, such as on the Adoptee boards or the Adoptive Parent boards (like the Open Adoption board) or the Search and Reunion boards?

My personal opinion is to take the cue from your daughter. Let her know that if and when she is ready, you could arrange contact. Not in a pressured way. I'm sure you know her well enough to elicit a genuine response. In the mean time, you could also maintain contact on her behalf. You could send emails with the birthfamily, letters, phone calls, pictures, etc. You don't have to decide between a "yes contact" or a "no contact" and nothing in between.

I don't have any advice about the counselors, but I am sure there are others floating around out there who do. Check out those boards I linked above and see if they help any.

Welcome, again!

[saspaul]

Thank you for the welcome and the suggetsions. Once I figure out how, I will cross-post as you suggest. Thanks again.

[saspaul]

OK, I 'll admit I don't ahve a clue as to how to cross-post. Can you help? I will check FAQ. Thanks

[LadyBugz]

To cross-post, you just post it again on another board. Copy what you wrote, then go to the board of your choosing and start a new thread, then paste it in and hit Submit.

Most people include "X-posted" in the title if it is between a couple of boards the same people are likely to frequent. Considering that you first posted here where so few, unfortunately, tread, you probably don't need to worry about it.

[saspaul]

Thanks! done.

[StorkWatcher]

Hello, A-dad!

I may be in your shoes one day, so I can't speak from experience yet, just from what I've thought we would do in a similar situation.

I think it might help answer questions for your daughter to meet or at least have direct contact with her birthparents. Even a one-time meeting sometimes satisfies her feeling of loss.

I would recommend posting to the Birthparent/adoptive parent board for communication between birth and adoptive parents. You'll not only get thoughts from other parents who have been in your shoes, but also from birthparents who have established contact with the child's adoptive families. It can be very helpful. Here's the link- http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=736