[bbonnie]

I am new to using this forum however I have a situation I would like to get your feedback on. My husband and I are in the process of fost/adopt. We already have two children and are teachers. We are devout Catholics and really feel a calling to do this. However, when we told my parents my mom who is a very religious person seems to have misgivings about the whole thing. She always tells me to "just have another baby." I am very hurt by this comment. She also never brings up the subject of adoption. I just don't understand why my mom is so against this. She is such a giving, loving, religious person. Why would a person like my mom feel this way? Has anyone had any other similar situations?

[JPDakota]

I'm sorry you've encountered resistence. Not only are my parents anxious for us to adopt, but so is my extended family. That, I've come to understand, is a rare luxury.
Perhaps your Mother is just tentative because it is hard for her to understand your motivations. Some people really dislike adoption as a concept, but mostly I think they see it as a tearing an infant away from a loving mother. You and I know that isn't what you're doing. Do you have a supportive family other than parents who can help them to understand you are called to adopt? Don't know if that would help, but it might.
Best of luck.

[Lovebug]

I am so sorry you are having this reaction from your Mom. As for me, my family are also devote Catholics. Anyway, we found out that we will probably never be able to have bio children due to our infertility issues so adoption was our only hope for a family. Our immediate and extended families were so relieved when they heard we were adopting since the pain of infertility would be over and couldn't be more supportive. We bought our DS home in Jan. He will be 7 months old on Thurs and is truly a blessing. I can't imagine a day in my life with out him. My parents and In-Laws are so loving to him it's like they forget he's adopted!!! Now we're just waiting for finalization so we can baptize him (long story).

I just want you to know that there is alot of support here on these forums, not specifically this one but the "General Adoptive Parent Support" is much more active. There doesn't seem to be a lot of posting here but please know that we're all here for you. Maybe Mom needs a little more education. Can you try talking to her again and see what her specific issues against adoption are? Ask her why she feels the way she does and offer her you reasoning for wanting to foster/adopt. Let her see your side and maybe she'll feel differently about it. In the end, it is your decision but let her know you need her support and would much like her to be a part of this process as she would a pregnancy. Hope this helps. We're here for you!!! PM me if you wish to talk off line.

--Renee

[tlc4kidz]

I had the same reaction from my mom. We talked about it AFTER we had several placements and she said she was afraid it would be too hard on our bios (who were 5 and 9 when we started) and she just didn't want us to get hurt.

I also found out that one of my great aunts had "fostered" (many years ago and things were so different) a girl for several years then she went back to bio-family and they were devastated. She apparently had 2 boys like we do and my mom remembers how painful it was for the whole family. My mom was just a child at the time.

I wish my mom would have just shared this with me in the beginning, but she wanted it to be our decision. Maybe there is more to your mom's reaction than she has told you. It might be good to go out for lunch and have a heart to heart. Reassure her that you know it can be hard and that you and your children can handle it. Let her know about the training and the support avavilable to you...like this forum. If this is out of character for her, like it was for my mom, I bet there's some degree of fear to her response.

Keep us posted along your journey!!! And, BTW, my mom is one of the biggest supporters of fostercare/adoption out there now

[tobeafamily]

Sometimes these reactions come from fears - will you get your heart broken? Will this child have so many problems it'll wreck you, etc?

A good book for families "Adoption is a Family Affair - What Friends & Family Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston.

Best of luck,

Regina

[bbonnie]

Thanks for all of your support. I really am going to need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with my mom. Perhaps she doesn't want us getting hurt and doesn't understand the motives for wanting to do this. I appreciate all of your responses. Especially now as I anticipate a match within the next few months. We have been waiting a very long time. Keep us in your prayers.

[hopefully4]

My dad who was adopted was also very against us adopting. He too wanted us to just have another baby if we wanted a big family. However, the day we went to our orientation meeting, I got a letter from him. Inside was an article about a professional golfer who had adopted and attached to it was a note saying "Maybe I'm wrong." I think he was afraid that we wouldn't be able to love an adopted child like we love our bio kids. But by showing him that we were serious about adopting, and by talking about how I will love my children equally no matter how they come to me, he started to realize that I love being a mom and I want to be a mom to many children. I too feel like God is working in my life and is drawing me towards adoption. Good luck to you with your mom. Maybe as you get farther along in the process, she'll loosen up. In the meantime, let her know that while you value her opinion, she needs to accept your choice.

[Overwhelmed!]

My husband and I are in the initial stages of our adoption journey. We've been connected with a birth mom, but she's admitted to being a heavy drug user (crystal meth, pot, alcohol) up until 2 months of becoming pregnant. She's' due in December. I'm amazed, as my husband and I wrestle with making the decision to choose this birth mom as she has chosen us or not accept this high risk situation, at how many people have opinions about our adoption process. Not all of these opinions are favorable. My husbands mom, who was adopted herself, feels we are making a HUGE mistake in considering a semi-open adoption. In her time all adoptions were closed and very private.

The way I've dealt with these varying, not always positive, opinions is to take them with a grain of salt and realize that only my husband and I can make the final decision and that he and I will be the ones living with that decision. When I run into opinions that might be particualarly negative, I intend to discuss those opinions with the ones expressing them to find out what's going on under the surface that might be prompting these views...fear, concern, etc.

Good luck with your potential situation! Hang in there. I've only been on this site for a couple of days now but I absolutely love it! Finally I feel less isolated because I begin to realize how many other couples are trying to adopt and going trhough many of the same experiences and trials that we are. There's comfort in knowing you're not alone!

[bbonnie]

To overwhelmed and all those who responded,
Thanks again for the positive feedback. As luck would have it it came just in time. My husband and I began the process over two years ago and just yesterday we received a call to pick up our newborn baby from the hospital. It happened so quickly. We didn't even have time to get diapers or formula. We are doing fost-adopt and pray that everthing works out. When we reached my parents house after picking up the baby and on the way home I was brought to tears to see my entire family run outside to greet us and our new baby. Especially my mom. She was crying real tears of joy when she picked her up. I am so overwhelmed right now. Keep us in your prayers.

[tlc4kidz]

Congrats on your placement!!!!! I'm so happy that your mom is joining in on the excitement. You will be VERY busy for a while and probably have tons of questions as the fost/adopt moves forward (probably slower than you'd like). Keep us posted and most of all enjoy your little one

You and your entire family will be in my prayers.

[tomandcate]

Just wanted to add my congratulations for your wonderful news. Take care and best of luck with everything.

Cate

[Overwhelmed!]

BBONNIE- congrats on your recent addition! Best of luck to you. If and when you have some time, I'd love to hear about how you got into the foster/adopt situation. My husband and I have talked about it but I've always feared fostering a child, falling in love with that child, and then having to give the child up if the state determines it's best to send the child back home with their bio family. Maybe I'm missing something though.

CONGRATULATIONS again!