[FoundAndStillLost]

I became pregnant my Sr year of high school. Knowing what my parent's reactions would be I hid my pregnancy, while still living at home, from Feb. until Sept. after I turned 18. Thought at 18 my parents couldn't make any decision or have impact. Sad mistake. I was threatened with being disowned, etc... The same story of many birth mothers dad & mom find somewhere for you to go or make their own plans. The entire time before their knowing I'd planned to keep my son, bought what was needed & hid it all well. Everything blew apart. They found an agency, of course we know which due to the fact I'm listing under this category, in which my parents made plans for me to place my son up for adoption. I wasn't allowed out of the house, couldn't retrieve mail from the end of the driveway, was to hide if anyone came over. For over 2 months this went on, the only place I was allowed to go was to my 'new' doctor an hour away, anywhere out of town I'd not be seen. Had my son in Nov., had 30 days to change my mind after signing papers in which the agency sent a lady to the hospital of course. My son stayed in my room most of the time, I fed him, cared for him day or nite. Did not know how I would ever get thru the horrible mistake my parents were forcing me to make. I should've taken my son and ran like mad no matter the risk of losing my own family, which I too was adopted, the only family I knew at the time. I remember the lady having a questionnaire form for me to fill out also which included the type of family I wanted to adopt my son. Listed religion, siblings, race, all types of things. After leaving the hospital during those first 30 days I was allowed to visit which I'd drive the hour each way to do so, and very often. Had to have every ounce of time with him that I could. I regretted my decision then and now I regret it more. I am reliving the nightmare and it gets worse. I still had 1 week to visit my son but the agency called & stated to me they had a family, told me a white family, baptists, had one son, he worked with computers & she was a teacher. The lady told me the family lived 2 1/2 hrs SW of this city. Of course I fell for it & thought he was going to a loving home. That last day of visiting him they started to rush me, stated the family was picking him up within the hour & I needed to say my good-byes. Of course the ideas ran thru my mind to hide out in the parking lot or someplace close, to follow, do whatever. But I drove home, the longest drive of my life. I received a letter 1 1/2 months ago, almost tossed it out, handwritten envelope addressed to me w/ a lady's name/address as return address. Figured junk mail but for some reason I opened it. I immediately knew from the letterhead. I was thrilled to pieces, I'd waited for this for almost 20 years. Just had stuff like to contact her if I was the person named w/ that same birthdate. It was a Fri. nite when I opened it so I called the cell phone number anyways & left a message. I also called first thing that Mon. morning. I told her she didnt have to tell me anything & that my answer was yes. She said so it is you & you know what this is about. She proceeded to give me my son's new first name, of course I'd completely named him at birth. Stated he was in Iraq. Said we could write letters...which right then I started writing...pages upon pages for days, was non-stop writing. But that Mon. I ran a disc of photos & letters to her. She called the next day to state that she let him know thru email I agreed to meet. He forwarded her photos to forward to me. I thought I'd died & gone to heaven. My dreams had come true. Instead of mailing my letters & photos she forwarded those to him thru email. I kept writing, still TONS of more pages & forwarded her slews of them daily. I kept hearing nothing from her. For 1 1/2 wks I was an emotional wreck, my son in Iraq, now no word. I did not sleep, couldnt eat. I'd watch the news & now was crying for every soldier killed. I'd pull up the casualty list 1-2 times a day with only a first name to go by making sure my son was not there. Then I'd had it, this was so cruel of a thing to do to me. I knew of the person in charge in this state so I sent an email to her begging for help. We spoke on the phone, she made calls, then I had his email & last name. Before finishing reading the email from the lady's supervisor at the agency I was off sending email to my son. No more bone-picking thru my private words by the agency to make sure I didnt give all my contact info. Within a couple min. he emailed me back wanting my phone #. So within the hour of me contacting the state I was on the phone with my son....for hours! Amazing. Called me daily, emails, etc... Has called me mom & has told me he loves me from the first day of finding me. After lil bits & pieces I know there is more & I am not liking any of it. Now come to find out my son was not adopted by a family that last day they stated I could visit on Dec. 17. My son sat in foster care for 4 months! I just find out more & that Jan. still in foster care there was a family to adopt him but that fell thru. They pulled their files & found a black family to adopt him but due to conflict of interest with the adopted mom being an intern at this agency they had to wait until internship was up 2 months later. So in March he was adopted by the family, the mother still took the long drive but by March was now employed by this agency as adoption counsellor...which of course would have access to my records. Just from what I knew previously w/ her work history & education in adoption I'd kind of jokingly wondered if my son was a lil personal class study project of hers. My son went to their home in which the father was the sole caregiver, she was too busy working at the agency who placed him. The whole thing is a mess. I'd regretted my decision then knowing I'd made a huge mistake at giving him up. Now I regret it even more. This kid has had a rough life, dropped out of school & rec'd his GED. Left the state they were currently living in just to get away from there, so joined the Army, has a criminal record, etc... He stated he filed w/ the agency almost 2 yrs ago but they never contacted him. Stated to me that he'd not have joined the Army had they found me. Then figured when he contacted the lady at the agency again & paid a nice amount to search before he went overseas that by the time he returned in Dec. then I'd have been found. Said it's hard now that I was found so much earlier & having to be over there. Had I known abt this agency beforehand I'd have gone w/ my gut & heart and not have placed him, figured out a way to raise him with or without my family in my life. My son has tremendously been the one to pay the price. This couple has 4 children, 2 of which are adopted. The other adopted is still in and out of jail. I currently have a 16 yr old son with goals, never been arrested, etc... Guess their degrees of adoption are a joke b/c who is the better parent? I'd have been there for my son. They were off teaching adoption to others & too busy working to be there when he needed them most. I'm furious with the whole thing. I regret my decision more now that I ever did. Also, his father too had to sign relinguishment papers. He still has not contacted the lady but I have contacted him. Told him our son needs support especially with being at war. Pretty much told him do not disappoint my son. Kept telling me he'd contact the agency, I forwarded photos to him, etc... I ended up giving my son all of his info of him & his family. Told my son how to find him w/ a quick lil google search with the name, very easy. My son sends him an email. All I know is that my son said he received an email back from him and probably deserved the response as the one he sent to his father called him a few names. Now the father is denying ever getting me pregnant, denial of everything. This was a couple wks ago. Now my son is not calling me daily but maybe once a week & I've not rec'd an email since Aug. 31. For almost 20 years I always had hope. Now he's at war & supp. to return in Dec. and I pray daily that he returns safely, I cannot imagine losing him forever now. I'm so at a loss, the whole situation has become a mess. I was to the point of not wanting the truth from the agency for their dirty deeds but now I do. The lady there after many wks sent me an email a couple of days ago asking how things were going w/ us & hoped we were having a wonderful time getting to know each other. I totally want to go off on her demanding the truth but she didnt work there then so I cannot blame her. I want answers, I want this mess fixed....you all know the feeling...go back in time to almost 20 years ago to not making the awful decision and keeping and raising him. Forgive and forget...with the more that I find out and learning more of the struggles & some truths from the adopted family, I cannot forgive. I'm usually quite forgiving but all of this is unacceptable to me. An apology to me in this case would never be accepted. I call myself a fool for falling into all of this trap, I blame myself as I feel like I should, I blame them all for sucking me in. Now my younger brother who is 31 who also was adopted...my older brother in his 40s stated he rec'd a letter from my younger brother's old girlfriend which included a photo of a 1 yr old lil girl in which she is stating it is my younger brothers & she wants my older brother to give it to him. He tells my mother of this & she stated to pretend she knows nothing about this, to return the photo & letter. All this cover up crap...what is my family doing? The same as with me so long ago...playing with people's lives, just like this agency. This has all become too much. Whether my family had disowned me or not I should've taken that risk. Of course I wished I could do this all over again. Never would I allow again this to have happened. I wonder how could I have been so stupid! I have found my son but am so lost.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

All you can do now is be there, and make your relationship the best it can be.

Work though your past and emotions before he comes home from the war.

Remember, my son said to me once, "you are the mom, you take care of it"

I too fixed my bson up with his bdad, and though it wasn't a problem, bdad has made no effort to have a relationship. Bdad is also an adoptee fearing that if it doesn't work then he would hurt. When bdad tried to reunite with his bmom she shut him out and said no.

But slow down on what you tell your son.

For now talk only about your day to day, how much you look forward to seeing him. He is in a war zone, he doesn't need to hear about the past unless he asks for the info, then keep it to a mimum for now.

Hugs

Originally Posted by FoundAndStillLost

I became pregnant my Sr year of high school. Knowing what my parent's reactions would be I hid my pregnancy, while still living at home, from Feb. until Sept. after I turned 18. Thought at 18 my parents couldn't make any decision or have impact. Sad mistake. I was threatened with being disowned, etc... The same story of many birth mothers dad & mom find somewhere for you to go or make their own plans. The entire time before their knowing I'd planned to keep my son, bought what was needed & hid it all well. Everything blew apart. They found an agency, of course we know which due to the fact I'm listing under this category, in which my parents made plans for me to place my son up for adoption. I wasn't allowed out of the house, couldn't retrieve mail from the end of the driveway, was to hide if anyone came over. For over 2 months this went on, the only place I was allowed to go was to my 'new' doctor an hour away, anywhere out of town I'd not be seen. Had my son in Nov., had 30 days to change my mind after signing papers in which the agency sent a lady to the hospital of course. My son stayed in my room most of the time, I fed him, cared for him day or nite. Did not know how I would ever get thru the horrible mistake my parents were forcing me to make. I should've taken my son and ran like mad no matter the risk of losing my own family, which I too was adopted, the only family I knew at the time. I remember the lady having a questionnaire form for me to fill out also which included the type of family I wanted to adopt my son. Listed religion, siblings, race, all types of things. After leaving the hospital during those first 30 days I was allowed to visit which I'd drive the hour each way to do so, and very often. Had to have every ounce of time with him that I could. I regretted my decision then and now I regret it more. I am reliving the nightmare and it gets worse. I still had 1 week to visit my son but the agency called & stated to me they had a family, told me a white family, baptists, had one son, he worked with computers & she was a teacher. The lady told me the family lived 2 1/2 hrs SW of this city. Of course I fell for it & thought he was going to a loving home. That last day of visiting him they started to rush me, stated the family was picking him up within the hour & I needed to say my good-byes. Of course the ideas ran thru my mind to hide out in the parking lot or someplace close, to follow, do whatever. But I drove home, the longest drive of my life. I received a letter 1 1/2 months ago, almost tossed it out, handwritten envelope addressed to me w/ a lady's name/address as return address. Figured junk mail but for some reason I opened it. I immediately knew from the letterhead. I was thrilled to pieces, I'd waited for this for almost 20 years. Just had stuff like to contact her if I was the person named w/ that same birthdate. It was a Fri. nite when I opened it so I called the cell phone number anyways & left a message. I also called first thing that Mon. morning. I told her she didnt have to tell me anything & that my answer was yes. She said so it is you & you know what this is about. She proceeded to give me my son's new first name, of course I'd completely named him at birth. Stated he was in Iraq. Said we could write letters...which right then I started writing...pages upon pages for days, was non-stop writing. But that Mon. I ran a disc of photos & letters to her. She called the next day to state that she let him know thru email I agreed to meet. He forwarded her photos to forward to me. I thought I'd died & gone to heaven. My dreams had come true. Instead of mailing my letters & photos she forwarded those to him thru email. I kept writing, still TONS of more pages & forwarded her slews of them daily. I kept hearing nothing from her. For 1 1/2 wks I was an emotional wreck, my son in Iraq, now no word. I did not sleep, couldnt eat. I'd watch the news & now was crying for every soldier killed. I'd pull up the casualty list 1-2 times a day with only a first name to go by making sure my son was not there. Then I'd had it, this was so cruel of a thing to do to me. I knew of the person in charge in this state so I sent an email to her begging for help. We spoke on the phone, she made calls, then I had his email & last name. Before finishing reading the email from the lady's supervisor at the agency I was off sending email to my son. No more bone-picking thru my private words by the agency to make sure I didnt give all my contact info. Within a couple min. he emailed me back wanting my phone #. So within the hour of me contacting the state I was on the phone with my son....for hours! Amazing. Called me daily, emails, etc... Has called me mom & has told me he loves me from the first day of finding me. After lil bits & pieces I know there is more & I am not liking any of it. Now come to find out my son was not adopted by a family that last day they stated I could visit on Dec. 17. My son sat in foster care for 4 months! I just find out more & that Jan. still in foster care there was a family to adopt him but that fell thru. They pulled their files & found a black family to adopt him but due to conflict of interest with the adopted mom being an intern at this agency they had to wait until internship was up 2 months later. So in March he was adopted by the family, the mother still took the long drive but by March was now employed by this agency as adoption counsellor...which of course would have access to my records. Just from what I knew previously w/ her work history & education in adoption I'd kind of jokingly wondered if my son was a lil personal class study project of hers. My son went to their home in which the father was the sole caregiver, she was too busy working at the agency who placed him. The whole thing is a mess. I'd regretted my decision then knowing I'd made a huge mistake at giving him up. Now I regret it even more. This kid has had a rough life, dropped out of school & rec'd his GED. Left the state they were currently living in just to get away from there, so joined the Army, has a criminal record, etc... He stated he filed w/ the agency almost 2 yrs ago but they never contacted him. Stated to me that he'd not have joined the Army had they found me. Then figured when he contacted the lady at the agency again & paid a nice amount to search before he went overseas that by the time he returned in Dec. then I'd have been found. Said it's hard now that I was found so much earlier & having to be over there. Had I known abt this agency beforehand I'd have gone w/ my gut & heart and not have placed him, figured out a way to raise him with or without my family in my life. My son has tremendously been the one to pay the price. This couple has 4 children, 2 of which are adopted. The other adopted is still in and out of jail. I currently have a 16 yr old son with goals, never been arrested, etc... Guess their degrees of adoption are a joke b/c who is the better parent? I'd have been there for my son. They were off teaching adoption to others & too busy working to be there when he needed them most. I'm furious with the whole thing. I regret my decision more now that I ever did. Also, his father too had to sign relinguishment papers. He still has not contacted the lady but I have contacted him. Told him our son needs support especially with being at war. Pretty much told him do not disappoint my son. Kept telling me he'd contact the agency, I forwarded photos to him, etc... I ended up giving my son all of his info of him & his family. Told my son how to find him w/ a quick lil google search with the name, very easy. My son sends him an email. All I know is that my son said he received an email back from him and probably deserved the response as the one he sent to his father called him a few names. Now the father is denying ever getting me pregnant, denial of everything. This was a couple wks ago. Now my son is not calling me daily but maybe once a week & I've not rec'd an email since Aug. 31. For almost 20 years I always had hope. Now he's at war & supp. to return in Dec. and I pray daily that he returns safely, I cannot imagine losing him forever now. I'm so at a loss, the whole situation has become a mess. I was to the point of not wanting the truth from the agency for their dirty deeds but now I do. The lady there after many wks sent me an email a couple of days ago asking how things were going w/ us & hoped we were having a wonderful time getting to know each other. I totally want to go off on her demanding the truth but she didnt work there then so I cannot blame her. I want answers, I want this mess fixed....you all know the feeling...go back in time to almost 20 years ago to not making the awful decision and keeping and raising him. Forgive and forget...with the more that I find out and learning more of the struggles & some truths from the adopted family, I cannot forgive. I'm usually quite forgiving but all of this is unacceptable to me. An apology to me in this case would never be accepted. I call myself a fool for falling into all of this trap, I blame myself as I feel like I should, I blame them all for sucking me in. Now my younger brother who is 31 who also was adopted...my older brother in his 40s stated he rec'd a letter from my younger brother's old girlfriend which included a photo of a 1 yr old lil girl in which she is stating it is my younger brothers & she wants my older brother to give it to him. He tells my mother of this & she stated to pretend she knows nothing about this, to return the photo & letter. All this cover up crap...what is my family doing? The same as with me so long ago...playing with people's lives, just like this agency. This has all become too much. Whether my family had disowned me or not I should've taken that risk. Of course I wished I could do this all over again. Never would I allow again this to have happened. I wonder how could I have been so stupid! I have found my son but am so lost.