[ChinaMamaWannaBe]

Hello, everyone. I am a devout Catholic. I was so pleased to find a Catholic forum on the site. I would appreciate honest feedback from anyone, but please be charitable. I don't mind anyone disagreeing with me, but I don't want to be bashed if you adamantly oppose my plans.

I am 37, will be 38 later this year, single, and never married. I believe it is possible that God is asking me to adopt a baby girl from China - as a single woman. I am in the process now of waiting for the next "window" to open in order to submit my Application. I truly believe it is in God's Hands whether or not I am successful in this process. I have been soulsearching and seeking counsel from others of all different perspectives on my decision to adopt as a single woman.

Within the Church, however, the couple people I have asked so far seem to prefer that all children be adopted by two married parents. I completely agree that this is ideal, and I know what the Church teaches about the importance of family, etc. The Church does not say that one cannot be a single parent though. I am walking down this path believing that it very well may be what He wants me to do, and I do want to do this. I trust that He will stop me along the way or close doors to me if I am misinterpreting His Will for me.

Would any of you be willing to share your honest feelings on the subject of singles adopting. P.S. I am not anti-men or anti-marriage; I am open to marriage and life no matter what. This just has not happened in my life as of yet and I am getting older, and I desire a family and believe I have much love to give a child.

Thank you in advance for your time and compassion.

[mem2001]

I think it is great that you have the love and resources to share with a child.
As you say, the church says nothing against single parent adoption, I read an article once about a nun who adopted a little girl with AIDs.
Raising a child may be more difficult on your own, but it can be done, especially with the help and support of family and friends.
Have you talked to you priest about this yet?

Out of curiosity, why China specifically? While China may have received the most media attention, there are children in poor orphanages in many parts of the world, wouldn't one from Brazil, for example, do just as well?

[ChinaMamaWannaBe]

mem2001,

Thank you so much for replying and for being honest with your opinion and advice. I appreciate it.

I have not yet spoken with my parish priests because they are stretched terribly thin these days. I do, however, have a relationship with one of our Deacons and his wife. I have discussed it thoroughly with them and although they, too, agree a two-parent home is ideal, they have agreed to be supportive to me in this endeavor. We all believe that it will only happen if it is God's Will. That is where our faith plays a key role. Also, keep in mind that I am open to marriage and desire it. I simply have not had the good fortune of finding a good mate.

Yes, I expect raising a child alone to be challenging, but I don't know of any situation where raising a child isn't - even in two-parent homes. That is not to say that I don't agree that two-parent homes are ideal - I agree that is true. However, this not being a perfect world, and there are way more children in need than there are people willing to adopt them, should we rather children never be adopted or at least have one good, loving parent in their life? Even in two-parent homes, there is much lacking in way of quality/quantity parenting, so although I know this is not traditional, my conscience is okay with it. I believe that if this is God's Will for me that He will also provide the grace to see me through successfully.

As far as, "Why China?" I simply have a heart for China and always have. I always imagined adopting from China after I was married and had some biological children first. There is only so much a person can give reasons for if/when the inspiration comes from the Holy Spirit. You see, I cannot say exactly "why China", I just know that I have a burden for those people, particularly the children. That is also not to say that I do not care for other countries in need, because of course I do. God leads us where He wants us to go - that is all the explanation I need to get moving. He is moving me towards China, and He is moving somewhere else towards ..., and someone else towards ..., and so on. Make sense?

Thank you for being open to discussing this with me.

[hotspice58]

I'm a single foster/adoptive mother; I've adopted one foster son and will be adopting the other within the next couple of months. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption. If there were adoption, more couples would adopt. I am open to marriage (I'm divorced) but I'm not letting that stop me.

[proudmommyof 2]

ChinaMama,


I'll be completely honest with you. I am a very conservative Catholic. We haven't gone to church as often as we used to (I know, I know), but my religion and beliefs guide my life every day. That said, many of my beliefs fall in line with what the Catholic church teaches. Here's my honest opinions and how they've changed. When we were TTC, and in the process of adoption, I was against single parent adoption. I guess I saw single parents as competition for kids that could be ours, and thought that there was no way that a single parent could compare to the love and stability that my dh and I could provide. I didn't think it should be allowed.

Notice my use of past tense.

Becoming a mom has changed everything for me. Now that I know what being a parent actually is, my definition of family has completely changed. Kids are much better off with parents, whether they be married, not, one parent, two parents of the same sex, parents of a different race or ethnicity. This is my true, honest, informed belief. I don't think that I knew enough before kids to judge other families. And I think spending any time in an orphanage changes you forever. Those children desperately need families and kisses and hugs and songs sung to them more than anything. They need to be the whole world to someone, instead of just another mouth to feed.

Here's how strongly I believe in this. I was always staunchly opposed to divorce as well. I still hope to never myself be divorced. I want to grow old with my dh, and can't imagine my life without him. Anyway, we've got a family member who has TTC for 10 years, dh doesn't want to adopt. I told my dh, I'd divorce him and adopt. That's my honest opinion (goes against church, I know, but her dh did promise to accept children during their vows). If something happened to dh, or to our marriage, and I could afford it, I would totally be a single mom to more kids. Totally and wholeheartedly. You will better your own life, you will help a child. I can't honestly believe that God would have any problem with that. I actually think he'd commend you.

I am a proud Catholic, but fully realize that many of these rules, though coming indirectly from God, were written through men. There's nothing in the Bible about international adoption, or really adoption in general, the way it plays out today. I think the single parent stigma in the church really has more to do with premarital sex being a no no than anything.

Adopt!!!! You'll have support!!!!

[ChinaMamaWannaBe]

To hotspice58 and proudmommyof2,

Thank you both for your feedback. I appreciate how your opinions/beliefs were formed and I respect them. Thankfully, the purpose of these boards is not to judge one another, so I make no judgement on where you are with your faith, your lives, etc., and I appreciate you doing the same with me. Thanks.

For me, if the Church was against single parenthood, I would not do it. I am 100% faithful to the teachings of the Church as I have knowledge/understanding of them. It's that simple for me. And so, as I have researched, I have found no such teaching - only the admonition of what the definition of family is and what would be considered a perfect scenario. That is our goal, but that is not what life is like in many circumstances. Even in two-parent families, quite often the quality/quantity of parenting leaves something to be desired. I intend to give myself to my baby girl and do the best I can with God's grace and help.

With that said, of course, I agree with both of you that single-adoption is a better alternative to being in an orphanage or somehow never having a permanent, loving home. I, too, might have believed otherwise once, and I questioned myself very critically before I gave my heart to a decision to adopt from China. I wanted to be sure it wasn't a selfish decision. I believe, rightly or wrongly, that the Holy Spirit is guiding me on this journey, and my personal beliefs have done a 180 degree turn as a result of the "light" He has provided. I find I desire to be less judgemental of other people's families and that can only be a good thing.

Yeah, I wish it were a perfect world where every child had two loving and attentive parents (mom & dad) and siblings, but it is so not a perfect world, and there are way more kids that need homes than people adopting them. One thing I feel good about it is that I had a heart to adopt children even as a married person - I just have not had the good fortune to get married yet! So, I believe my motives are pure in this and that it is not a selfish decision. I believe it is a win-win situation for me and a child, and I am bracing myself to encounter/respond to numerous people who feel differently. Hence, why I am asking for various people's opinions on the subject.

I am happy to continue this dialogue and thank you for what you've shared thus far. God bless.

[Emster]

I think our faith urges us to care for one another. Some people do that differently than others--some work in homeless shelters, some visit the elderly, some do it through the vocation of marriage, and others adopt!

You will find support in the church and outside of the church. Just because you are not currently married does not mean you will never be. You can offer your child male role models in the faith by surrounding yourself with good supportive people willing to help you in your journey. Make sure those people are truly there for you as you begin this journey.

I wish you all God's blessings as you continue!

[ChinaMamaWannaBe]

That is how I feel, too. Thanks. I do plan to have very healthy male role models available for my baby girl and am certainly open to marriage if that is God's Will for me.

One opinion I have run up against is people thinking I should satisfy "motherly urges" by working with children, etc. The thing is, that is not the same thing as being a mother, and also, this is not about a desire to work with children. This is about the desire to give a better life to a child who otherwise would not have one, and also about fulfilling the part of me (yes, I want to be a mother!) that is naturally wired for motherhood. I see nothing wrong with this dual-purpose motivation.

Even though I welcome opinions that differ from mine, I must say, it is nice to have some like-minded individuals who understand and are encouraging. It really helps.

I think people mistakenly assume a single woman/man interested in adoption is somehow anti-marriage or giving up hope on the prospect of marriage, or thinking only of themselves. That is not what I have found to be true at all! The Scriptures say that "true religion" involves taking care of the needs of others and specifically spells out "orphans". I see nothing wrong with single-adoption if the motivation is pure and well thought out/prayed out. I do pray for continued guidance from God, and so far, I feel confident that this is a good decision.

Besides, His Will will still play out anyway... I mean I have to be approved by the agency, social workers, China itself, etc. I totally trust God with this journey.

[StorkWatcher]

ChinaMama-Emster said what I wanted to about being sure you have some supportive male role models.

Who knows? Maybe God has a spouse in mind for you that is yearning to adopt from China too.

I agree w/ what someone else said about the single parenting being attached to the teachings about permarital sex and divorce. I would definitely discuss with a priest fairly soon, but I think you know where youre heart is leading you. At least, at this point, it is to research and pray about the possibility of becoming a mother.

I tried to keep busy helping out with CCD (SRE, it's called now) and Bible school to work with kids, but it didn't satisfy my yearning to be a mom or the change the fact that I've always known and felt that God planned for me to be a mom.

Good luck! Happy to talk to you on here -t hanks for posting.

[ChinaMamaWannaBe]

Thanks for chiming in! I appreciate your feedback also.

Honestly, I am leery of talking about this to my parish priest(s) and/or just the pastor, but of course I would like to. It is just, so far, I have not found any clergy members who aren't adamantly against the idea (I have written to a few anonymously on the internet) - but no one can give me a better explanation other than it is not the "perfect scenario" for raising a child. I just don't want to keep hearing that over and over. Ya know? Our two priests (one is the pastor) stay so busy, I also hate to bother them with this. But, I know it would be a good idea. As I said in an earlier post, however, I have run it by one of our Deacons and his wife.

Truthfully, I do hope God has a spouse for me who is also open to China adoption as well as bio children, if God allows me to have those too. It is all in His Hands.

[Coco2326]

Adoption is a beautiful, self-giving act. I would think that everyone would agree that a two-parent family is ideal as long as the parents are not abusive to children or one another. But this world is not ideal and there are many children waiting to be welcomed into a loving home by one or two parents.

I work with foster children and children waiting to be adopted. These children long to be loved. Due to my experiences, I have the opinion that anyone who would deny a child a loving home, even if it is a single-parent home, is overlooking the fact that some children will never find loving homes unless people step up and start adopting. Thus, it is very sad to hear that some priests think it's a bad idea.

So bravo to you for listening to the Holy Spirt and looking into adoption! We are all God's children and God wants his children to be loved by others. Good luck with finding a child to love!

[ChinaMamaWannaBe]

I truly value all points of views, even those that differ from mine.

With that said, I have come to the conclusion at this time that there are way too many children that need a home than people adopting them, and I do not (personally) believe that God has a problem with single parents adopting if their motive is pure. I believe, as with all other God-given vocations, that He will provide the necessary graces once the commitment is made.

I must add, I have also been quite moved by the level of sacrifice I see the single parents making to raise their children.

[straightblues]

Whenever we consider things like this, we have to look at what is in the best interest of the child. A two parent bio family is the is the best. A two parent adotive family is the next best. I do not belive it is a good idea for a single person to adopt a baby. Babys have a very good chance of being adopted by a two family. If after the two parent families are exhausted and there are no takers, then I think it is fine for a single person to adopt.

Even though in todays society, the role of fathers is diminished, they are still a valuable part of a childs life. Otherwise, God wouldn't have created the sacrament of Marriage as a precuser to parenthood. Can it happen outside the bounds of marriage, yes but that isn't what God had intended.

If you feel like God is calling you to adoption, I would urge you to adopt an older or unwanted child rather than a baby. There are plenty of teenagers in foster care with virtually no chance of getting a two parent family. Look there rather than seeking out a baby who has a very good chance of obtaining what God wants for us all, a two parent loving household.

[kelceesmom]

What you are embarking is admirable. I am also Catholic and if I were single at my age I too would have gone on to adopt. I was 38 when we started our process. I think anyone who can give a child a wonderful home full of love and kindness should adopt. Good luck in your adventure and keep us posted.

[straightblues]

One other thought. This is a major life decision. Please get to your priest right away. Priest have a way of setting us all straight.