[ahenry]

Originally posted by mygirl
hi- i guess this is the place to feel comfortable talking about this subject. I am 60 years old now. In the early 60s I became pregnant with my first child, by a young man that I loved. I always thought we would marry someday - but NEVER thought about getting pregnant before then. Yes, we had sex, obviously, but back in *those* days it WAS a lot different. You see...good girls did not do things like that ! I always felt that I was bad after my ordeal. More than 40 years have gone by and I remember every detail like it was yesterday.

I was just a kid when I found out I was having a baby. From a Catholic family with 5 kids. No OTC counter pregnancy tests back then so I went to a gyn on my own...first time ever. I waited til July to tell my parents and my son was born in September...and I lived at home the whole time prior to my parents knowing.

They did not take it well at all, no surprise. My dad took the *father to be* out to lunch to talk things over with him, man to man. Ha ! No way was there going to be any agreement between any of us. My mom was hysterical...wanted to commit suicide. To this day I never knew why? THE STIGMA OF HAVING AN UNWED MOTHER AS A DAUGHTER I GUESS :<( What about me and my feelings. Now - finally- I am beginning to see that I was not treated with much compassion. I was no good.

After a meeting with a priest and my dad and I...I was driven 5 hrs to a Home for Unwed Mothers run by CC. I stayed there for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. And YES I did have to work while there...I WORKED IN THE LAUNDRY (sweatshop)...8-9 months pregnant in the heat of summer when Air conditioning was not an option.

Being at the home offered me the comradarie of other *girls* like me. We would all huddle together within the wire fence surrounding this place. We talked and did crafts...and had babies.

After my son was born - my mom called me at the Home. She told me she would help me with the baby boy if I wanted to keep him. WHAT MOTHER WOULD NOT ACCEPT THIS OFFER...YES I WANTED HIM. My son had to stay at the home til he was 6weeks old (without me) . A social worker flew home with him and took him to the local CC facility. I went there with my mom to get my baby. I TOO HAD TO TAKE A SET OF CLOTHES FOR HIM TO WEAR..I REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. My mom and I talked about my responsibilities and she told me he was *mine for life* :>)

((i know i am going to exceed the alloted space on this))
LIFE WENT ON..but again, back in the very early 60s no one could know that I was never married. I had my sons last name changed as soon as I could. I MADE UP A NAME !! I changed the birth certificate and the babtismal also and have copies in my file.

All of my son's young life he just accepted that his dad went away..he did not seem too upset as my own father was a wonderful father figure to him. We moved out on our own when my boy was 4. I did not have it easy living with my parents. They were wonderful to me and to my son, but they made me accept the responsibility of being a Mother. I paid rent, and child care. And I did not date. No way. I had no life except my job and my son...no friends really. My older brothers and sisters new, I think, about the facts...we NEVER talked about any of this ever...I JUST HAD A BABY AND THAT WAS IT. CAN YOU IMAGINE NEVER BEING ABLE TO SHARE THIS JOY WITH ANYONE. I WONDER WHAT MY PARENTS TOLD MY RELATIVES AS MY SON WAS NOT HIDDEN..HE WAS THE JOY OF MY LIFE.

Back when my son was about 18 months old I was seeing a boy behind my parents back...I had sex with him after a while..USED PROTECTION and I GOT PREGNANT AGAIN. I was in shock. I was not a premiscuous (sp) girl...just normal young woman with a healthy desire for sex (as I see it now, but not what I was told then.)

I NEVER TOLD ANYONE I WAS PREGNANT *THIS TIME*. AT THIS POINT I WAS STILL LIVING IN MY PARENTS HOME..I HID THE PREGNANCY..YES THE WHOLE 9 MONTHS. NEVER SHARED THIS FEAR WITH ANYONE. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME OR MY SON.

One morning in May I woke up sick- I was in active labor. My mom had driven the younger siblings to school and I was home with my son, alone. The pain was unberable and I knew I needed help because I could not leave my baby boy alone. I walked over to the neighbors house..and she called an ambulance. I was ready to deliver. My mom came up the driveway as the ambulance was there. She still had no idea what was going on. I did make it to the hospital in time. I had a healthy baby girl. No one was nice to me. They snickered at me or so I felt. THEY NEVER LET ME SEE MY DAUGHTER. I even got a pep-talk from a doctor who came out and talked to me while I was on a stretcher in the hallway.....he was telling me that what I did was wrong and that I needed to think about becoming sterile?? The fears !!

I was wisked off to a room out of the maternity ward so I would not be near the other mothers and babies (dirt I guess?) While I was in the hospital, my older sister came to visit me. She told me they contacted a social worker to handle the adoption. NO ONE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED TO DO (this time). They all felt I let them down. That is not what I wanted to do..I did not plan the pregnancy. I was in my early twenties then, not a juvinile.

THE SAD PART OF THIS WHOLE STORY IS THEY NEVER TALKED WITH ME ABOUT ANY OF THIS...NOT THE FIRST TIME, NOR THE 2ND. ALL OF MY FEARS AND JOYS HAD TO BE COVERED UP, KEPT INSIDE. I THOUGHT I WOULD SPLIT IN TWO.

I was taken to my brothers home out in the country when I was well enough to leave the hospital. IT WAS LIKE THE BIRTH NEVER HAPPENED. I WAS TOLD THAT THEY WOULD TAKE ME TO THE CC FACILITY SO I COULD SIGN THE ADOPTION PAPERS FOR MY DAUGHTER. NO ONE ASKED ME, AND THERE WAS NO PLACE TO GO AND NO ONE TO TURN TO....NO BACK THEN. I was not allowed to see my baby son this whole time..they really were trying to take him away also.

I want to interject here that there was nothing *wrong* with me mentally or physically during this time. It may see so to some of you...but as you see in today's world sex is normal...and out of wedlock births are not a crime NOW . I had no one working as MY advocate.

THE VERY WORST PART OF THIS WHOLE SCENERIO WAS MY FAMILY, MY BROTHER AND SISTER WHO WERE OLDER AND MARRIED AT THE TIME..TOLD ME THAT IF I DID NOT SIGN THE ADOPTION PAPERS I WOULD NEVER SEE MY SON AGAIN. HE WAS ONLY ABOUT 18 MONTHS OLD AND HE WAS MY REASON FOR LIVING. I HAD NO CHOICE, AND NO TIME, AND NO WAY TO ASK FOR HELP. I signed my daughter over to CC. Never saw her, Never touched her, never held her ......it was like a bad dream.
I have to say now that it is difficult for me to have any real feelings for her. Please dont judge me. I cry every time I see a baby born on TV. This is all just such repressed sadness on my part. I did not want it to be that way.

ALL OF THIS TIME...THRU MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, MY FEAR WAS THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN AND SOMEONE WOULD TAKE MY SON FROM ME. Obviously he is an adult now. He has kids of his own. My grandaughter said to me...*I am your favorite grandaughter, right*....(HOW WOULD I KNOW IF I HAD MORE) He was never told about his birth experience....nor was he told about his sister. NEVER...AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE DONE HIM AN INJUSTICE. He is a good man and a great father and husband.....I just cannot believe that he and I have this secret between us. He has NEVER asked me about his birth or his father...never.

I HAVE NO OTHER CHILDREN altho I did marry for the first time aome 20+ years ago. My husband knows all of this..but my son does not. Why have I not told him? Because I thought he would hate me...be angry with me, disconnect from me...and he is and was my only reason for being in this world. He is now grown and we are close in spirit I guess (I would like to think so) but we are not that close like we were before he married. His wife was adopted. I have hinted to her about her looking for her birthmom but she felt that would be cruel to do to her adoptive parents..I asked her if she would want to know if she had brothers or sisters...she said no. I think I took her answers and applied them to my situation and my son. I always felt it would be something she would understand if she knew...but I dont feel that way now.

I AM AFRAID...I WANT HIM TO KNOW I THINK....I DONT KNOW HOW TO APPROACH HIM WITH THIS...SHOULD I? THEN LOOK AT HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE WILL THEN KNOW. HIS WIFE, MY RELATIVES, MAYBE MY GRANDKIDS. HOW DO I HANDLE ALL THIS?

I ALSO HAVE NO IDEA WHO IN MY LARGE FAMILY KNOWS ABOUT ANY OF THIS...DID MY SIBLINGS TELL THEIR KIDS WHO ARE MY SON'S AGE...I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW. A LIFE LIVED IN FEAR!

I have always REALLY wanted to contact my birthdaughter thru the many years...I did contact CC years ago and started the procedure - but because of no money I did not continue. After reading all of your horror stories here now, I dont think it would ever work.

I think I need PEACE in my heart and soul. I need to tell my son. I want to tell my son....before I die someday. I would hate to go to my grave with this secret. I feel like such a hypocrit.

If you read this and have any thoughts you want to share I would be most open to listening.

Thank you for reading this...and for now knowing that it was not easy to give up a child...doubt it ever is. I have never had anyone happy about me being pregnant...that is something that has crossed my mind alot too.

An aging grandmom

mygirl -

Thank you for sharing your story with us. No one is going to judge you here. This is a place for comfort and support. That's why we're all here. Regarding your situation - everyone is different. I mean, you know your son better than anyone. But I personally wouldn't be angry - I'll admit you've waited an awfully long time. He also hasn't seemed to show any concern for his father so maybe he really doesn't want to know. I used to feel the way his wife feels - that I didn't want to hurt my adopted parents' feelings. But if you are searching for all the right reasons, it shouldn't hurt their feelings. It's human nature to have feelings of curiosity - to hide that would be a lie. There is also a sense of wanting to know "who you look like", "what similarities in habits" "what hobbies you share" LOTS of things like that. That has nothing to do with betraying your parents (the ones who raised you). I'm finding through the wonderful people I've talked with in here (mj) that there are all kinds of reasons for putting your child up for adoption. I have to say any of them sure beats the alternative. At least it shows that you care - even the ones who gave us up because they truly didn't want us. I think if you want to find your daughter, it would probably make her very happy to know the situation. We ALL want to know. Good luck and keep the faith.

[willjack4]

I was told by a CC rep. that if you don't have money to pay that they can lower fees or waive them. If you are going thru CC in Indiana don't know much about CC in others states thou.Let them know that you can't afford the fees and see if they will lower them or waive them good luck to you all in searching. i'm a birthnmom searching for my son.But i have not recieve anything from the state of registry of Indiana yet,so i going to wait before i contact CC about searching.Everyone has a right to know their Bio-family
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHOM SEARCHING &HOPE THAT YOUR REUNION IS A HAPPY ONE

[GailLane]

First you need to put your information on this site. When and where were you born. Catholic Charities will not charge you if you do not have it and tell them you don't. They still might take a donation though. Being a birthmother I did call and write a letter of consent for my daughter to receive all of the information she needed about me. I would be really upset to know of this finacial wall she would encounter and I also agreed to pay all of the fees for her if she was unable. I am not defending CC but, If you call do not burn any bridges with the people they are just people that answer the phone. Be nice and I think you will get far. Post your information and I am sure you will receive help from all of the great people on this site. I am still searching and I wish you all the luck. Gail

Originally posted by GailLane
First you need to put your information on this site. When and where were you born. Catholic Charities will not charge you if you do not have it and tell them you don't. They still might take a donation though. Being a birthmother I did call and write a letter of consent for my daughter to receive all of the information she needed about me. I would be really upset to know of this finacial wall she would encounter and I also agreed to pay all of the fees for her if she was unable. I am not defending CC but, If you call do not burn any bridges with the people they are just people that answer the phone. Be nice and I think you will get far. Post your information and I am sure you will receive help from all of the great people on this site. I am still searching and I wish you all the luck. Gail

hi gail, thanks for that info. i dont think you were responding to me directly were you? you mention that the first thing for someone to do is put info on the site...HOW DO YOU DO THAT...I DONT UNDERSTAND..I am a birthmom.

thanks for sharing your experience. When you write that you are still searching...what does that involve...do you mean elsewhere than this list....is it COMMON to go to other parts of this list and join in those chat forums also?

[pattieb]

could you please post your date of birth?

Originally posted by pattieb
could you please post your date of birth?

HI PATTIEB...

I am new to this site, just a few posts so far. I saw where someone mentioned *putting info on the board* etc...not sure how that all works, nor do I know the security of it.

I also know there is a way somehow to communicate between members, privately. Not sure how to do that tho.

For starters...give me your birthdate. Your ? puzzles me because I dont think that adoptees get info on their birthmom, do they?

Hope you are not offended..this is just very private.

Please respond..

[BrandyHagz]

Mygirl,

Birthmothers searching for adoptees typically post the date and place of birth of the child.

Also, sometimes, non-ID will have the month and year of the birthmothers date of birth...

If you are in search of the child you placed for adoption, you might consider starting a thread of your own with your information

You can make the subject something like:

ISO Birth son/daughter born XX/XX/XXXX in City, State

That way, if he/she is looking for you, they can find you that way

[jlalbright]

I was told by CC in South Bend Indiana that I would have to pay at least $600 to search. I have all of the information from when I was born. My birthmother let me a letter stating all of her information and her last name and stated she wanted me to find her when I turned 18, but my adoptive parents did not give me the information until I was 26 and pregnant with my second child. I have looked and searched by her last name and still have not had any luck. But no one ever told me that they could or would waive the fees if I did not have the money. I would love to find my mom and at least know some information to pass on to my children if nothing else. I want her to know about me. If anyone else knows anything about CC please let me know as well. I want to find someone I can at least know is my mom.

[Relinquished]

I hope your still around this board...I found your post for the first time here and I have been on and off this board for years...
I am an adoptee from a CC in MD. I read your post and my heart sank...
You sound so much what I hope my birthmother is...and of course wondered as well if you are her...(My DOB is May 2 1971)...you can imagine when you said you had her in May and your profile states your in MD...I about died!.
Anytime you need an ear...drop me a line...I have alot of info about CC in MD and CC in general and maybe some contacts to help you in your search.
I have been out here for 7-8 years now and I only know my first name at birth,it's Monica...I do hope it gets a hit eventually for my search.
You are the closest I have come in about 5 years to a match on the net.
Let me know if you would like to network info together...

Candice Johnn
relinquished@mail2search.com

Relinquished Registry
http://freeweb.wpdcorp.com/relinquished

[bon]

I am a birthmother---I gave up my son 18yrs.ago !
I too was told I would have to pay alot of money
'to search' for my son---when all they have to do
is get in the computer---probably doesn't take
more than 1hr. to find him---as much as would
LOVE to see my son again---I said 'forget it'---
that's 'friggin' B___S___'!!! that's just downright
insulting to make the birthmother pay---again !

Patrick's birthmother(in ILL.)
Lori Weis

[simchik]

I am just starting my search for my half brother. My mom used Catholic Charities and it's very disconcerting that they actually charge that much to give out this information. Is there any other options I can try? I am so lost and I can't find anything useful.

[smurray]

Hi, I just started with catholic charities so I don't know about the money part but they should not charge us! I was adopted in 1960 and I also gave up a baby in 1978 so I am looking also and it is frustrating. Keep me posted also please.
Thanks,
Sue

[isabella_m]

Originally Posted by ashlam

Thank you so much for your replies. Maryjanek thank you....you kind of made me feel better about paying the money for the search. I just don't want to pay all that money and get nothing out of it. Thanks again to everyone.

Melissa

I know you posted your question a long time ago... but I'm new to this forum and felt compelled to share my story.

I was adopted along with my brother in 1972. Our bio parents were married. When I went back to CC when I was 18 (with my brother in tow) the same caseworker was there!!

She pulled out a file... and my brother could clearly see the biological parents last name. Also... our maternal bio grandmother had already contacted CC looking for us so it was very simple. I think the case worker gave me the grandmother's name and that was the end of it. (Of course this was very bad for our biological mother who was totally betrayed by her own mother... as our grandparents were the ones who "surrendered" us to Catholic Charities. )

Long story short.... we were reunited with our biological family without much effort and absolutely no money spent. Mind you.... we were 4 & 5 when our parents adopted us... so maybe Catholic Charities didn't think it was as important to protect anyone because we remembered stuff. Who knows.

My advice is :

find out who your original caseworker was and if he/she is still there... and get in contact with that person.

if you can't get ahold of that person, look for the predecessor.

Make an appointment to discuss your medical background/history... they cannot deny you that.

During your discussion of medical info, bring up your wish to re-unite with your biological parent(s).

If your biological parent(s) have contacted Catholic Charities looking for you, it should be a pretty easy process. Otherwise, you may have to wait a while.

If all else fails, consider hiring a private investigator, and start doing online research.

Please remember your parents, and if at all possible, be sure to share your feelings and experience(s) with them. Remember, they love you and raised you.. they are your "real" parents.

Good LucK!

[dnapstp133]

Go easy on Catholic Charities. They are Catholic, not a government institution. They do alot of good throughout the world. It is expensive, but maybe lets give them the benefit on the doubt. They may be understaffed too..