[mallow]

Hi. I am a foster mom to a wonderful child and I am concerned for the child and the bmom. I very much want to adopt my fc but I think mom is ok to be in this child's life, just not as a mom. I know a bmom that lost her child and was told she could not know anything about or have anything to do with her baby til the child was 18. Is this standard? I live in Pa. Honestly, what I'd like to happen is for me to adopt the child but have the option for bmom to maintain contact. I trust her (I think) to not do anything to cause trouble, such as run off with him. Actually, I even think she likes the way things are now. She gets to come in and have the good times, even spoil him a bit on visits, but not have the responsibility.

Thanks! I'd appreciate any info I can get on the situation.

Becky

[riley6]

We have open relationships with both of my kids' birthmothers (two sibling sets). We have visitations twice a year and I mail letters and pictures twice a year. We have a PO Box for correspondence and meet at a neutral place (usually McDonald's). We have a non-binding written agreement. In it we put that we would honor visits as long as they were in the children's best interests and would stop them if the parents behaved inappropriately or the children no longer want them. In my state, there is no OA if you adopt from foster care, but once the adoption is final, you are the parent and YOU decide what you want.

[mallow]

Thanks, Riley. Do you think that applies if the bmom's rights are terminated by the judge, not by choice? She's not, at this time, planning on signing away her rights. At least I don't think so.

I also have another question. Should this bmom get T back and lose him again, he will come back to me. My question is, if a child is taken away a second time, is it harder for the bparents to get him back?

Thanks. I know this could be for nothing...she may get her act together and deal (or at least make it appear that way) with the whole mom issue. It's even possible that bdad may get him, though I don't think so. He says he wants him but his actions say he doesn't. In all, that situation is so bad I'd be less surprized if he lost his rights than if bmom did!

[riley6]

>>>>>>>>Do you think that applies if the bmom's rights are terminated by the judge, not by choice? She's not, at this time, planning on signing away her rights. At least I don't think so.>

Our older kids' bmom did not voluntarily sign. I still felt it was best for them to have the bi-annual visitation. You have to do for your child what you feel is best for him.

>>>>>>I also have another question. Should this bmom get T back and lose him again, he will come back to me. My question is, if a child is taken away a second time, is it harder for the bparents to get him back?>>>>

I have never had a child go back a second time. My older kids came to me their second time in foster care. I didn't have them the first time. My first foster child was with me her second time in foster care. She did not go back. I had a sibling group of four that was with me their second time in fc. They were later adopted. I know other ff's that have had kids RU then come back in care. I haven't heard of any of them RU a second time. I think that DCFS is very careful about RU after a failed RU and I think that judges see the bp's attempts as too little too late a second time.

Good luck to you!

[mallow]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the info! And the well wishes.
Becky

[unohuu]

i know that i tell adoptive families that they have to make the decision. i share with them my perspective but as the new parents, they are responsible for what happens to the children. unless visitation is prohibited (sex offender, recommendation of a therapist), I truly think that you will have to decide what is in the child(ren') best interest.

[unohuu]

i know that i tell adoptive families that they have to make the decision. i share with them my perspective but as the new parents, they are responsible for what happens to the children. unless visitation is prohibited (sex offender, recommendation of a therapist), I truly think that you will have to decide what is in the child(ren') best interest.

[waiting4agirl]

Best advice I can give is talk to your children's social worker as rules differ from state to state.
That said, in Calif. if you adopt you are in control. bmom has no rights but you can choose to allow contact if you so desire. I reccomend visits take place at a neutral place such as a park or a McDonald's and that personal information regarding your home be withheld. (i.e. address) It is usually good for the children to have some contact but it needs to be limited and you need to be in control.
I also liked the suggestion someone else made about a written agreement. That is often a good idea.

[roxanna425]

My two kids have a close relationship with their extended family and once they are older and can understand what happened and decide whether they want to see their mother (she abandoned them and is now incarcerated) I will support them seeing her.