[deltagirl]

First of all I just found out about 3 weeks ago that one of my cousins had lost his children to dss. The children have been in foster care for approximately 2 years. 2 weeks ago my cousin's rights to his 2 children were revoked. The birth mother lost her rights about a year ago because of drugs and my cousin lost his because of failure to quit with drugs and failure to stay away from the birth mother. My husband and I would like to adopt these children. I talked with the adoption caseworker over the children's case and she told me she felt that all interested couples (relatives and non-relatives) should be put in a "pot" and whomever had the best homestudy should receive the children. First of all is this legal to do when a relative has come forth. What are my options? I haven't had my homestudy done yet but she has already scared me because of my husband and I really wanting these children. My husband and I have just sent in our application last week because we found out about the children being available 3 weeks ago. What should I do?

[mamatokay]

Hi, I am assuming that the sc in your title means your are from South Carolina. I am an adoptive mother from SC. You don't say how old these children are. Are they in foster care together and have they been in the same foster family since they were removed from the biological parents? If you just recently found out about these children being removed and put in foster care, does that mean that you have not had a relationship with them at all in the last 2 years?

Just a few questions for you to think about before you proceed with trying to get these kids....

Have they formed a bond with the foster parents? Are the foster parents trying to adopt? In SC the judge will usually allow the foster parents to adopt if the children have been with them since the beginning. Or, are the children up for grabs to anyone? In that case I say go for it, but if they are young and do not know you, and have been in the same family since the beginning of foster care and the foster family's intention is to adopt, then I would check to see what harm this could do to these children.

I am gathering from your post that you have not been close to the parents since you just found out about this and these children have been in the system for 2 years now. If you have known about it, why are you trying to get them now? why did you not step up to the plate and try to get them in the beginning?

I don't mean to step on any toes here, but please think about what this could do to the children if the foster parents want to adopt and you take them from the only stable home they have known in 2 years.

Please think about what this could do to them and really consider your reasoning for stepping forward now, instead of 2 years ago.

I am only asking you this because I have been through it with DSS in this state, our daughter was adopted out of the foster care system. She had been in it for almost 5 years, and placed with us for 3 of those years before the parents rights were terminated. Other family members of hers had stepped forward to try to get custody of her, but where were they when she first went into foster care? DSS, the GAL and the courts felt that it would be detremental to move her again, especially since she did not know these family members and she had a very healthy and strong bond to us. We were the only family that she knew for 3 years and all involved felt it would be more harmful to move her away from us. She had been in 3 other homes prior to us. She was removed from her bio family when she was only 3 weeks old, and became a product of the system until she was moved in with us at 2 1/2 years. As far as she was concerned she considered us her parents..and at 5 1/2 years old we adopted her. She is now 13 and doing great.

Please do not feel that I am attacking you...I just want you to really think about why you are trying to get custody of these children now, when they have been in the system for 2 years. Carefully consider your reasonings for this and carefully consider what this would mean to the children.

Just my two cents...

~Carol~

[DianeS]

deltagirl,

You asked if what they were doing in the way of selecting adoptive parents was legal. And YES, it most definately is.

You see, the state is supposed to do things that are in the best interest of the children, and simply placing the children with whatever biological relative comes over and says "I want them" is so often not in their best interest. You need to jump through all of the hoops that were set up to see what kind of people you are and what kind of parents you'd be.

Also, it's possible that for two years these children have been living with people who treated them well and who want the children to stay. Depending on the childrens ages, they may think of these people as parents. Ripping stable adults from the lives of children is often a very cruel thing, and often not the best thing for the child. Especially if the children do not know you - children don't care about blood relationships, they care about who "feels" and "acts" like family.

And finally, now that the parents rights have been legally terminated, you are no longer a legal relative. If you had applied to adopt the children while they were still related to you, you would have had a better chance. Now you are a biological relative, but not a legal one.

If you choose to pursue adopting the children, you will have to work fast. Go ahead and get your homestudy and any required classes finished. Read all you can about children in foster care, the challenges they face, and the problems they may have to deal with because of the circumstances that brought them into care. If there is any chance the children were born after being exposed to alcohol or drugs in utero, learn about that and its effects, too. Be sure you're up for the challenge. Read about attachment difficulties and find out about the childrens' history while with their parents and while in care - be sure you're up to the challenge of helping them learn appropriate ways to interact.

Some books to start with: "A Child's Journey Through Placement" (can't remember the author, sorry), and "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child" (both by Keck and Kupecky). These children have been bounced around quite enough already, and the last thing they need is another home and set of parents to bail on them or be unable to help them because they were unprepared for the challenges.

If you've read all those books and read online at bulletin boards like these, and gotten the childrens' history, and STILL feel perfectly capable of raising them, then it does not hurt for you to go ahead with being considered. The caseworker really sounds like she is looking out for their best interest and being honest with you. The BEST home for the children will be selected, and that's the way it should be.

Good luck!