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Old 01-17-2010, 02:13 AM
haw8788 haw8788 is offline
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My exwife told me her new husband adopted my daughter. What if she lied to me?

I was 21 years old, married for the second time when my daughter is born. Her mother and I argued and verbally fought all day, everyday, the relationship was unhealthy and we got divorced. My daughter is one year old when this takes place. We were apartment managers at the time, she handled the paperwork I did the maintenance and upkeep on the complex. When we filed for divorce I'm now unemployed and living in my car with nothing but a trunk full of clothes. We agree what's best for my daughter is for her to continue living at home with her mother. What needs to be known is my daughter's mom and I would argued and never got along. I'm sure I started just arguments as she did. Every conversation or interaction with each other was in disagreement with each other. We could never get along. I was 21 & my wife was 20, and we all know when your that age you don't need anyone's advice because you already know it all. (I'm 43now) I tried to stay involved in my daughters life as much as possible but I threatened my ex-wife during one argument that I was going to take my daughter to live with me out of state with my family. This resulted in her getting a restraining order on me were I could only see my daughter with court supervision. I had no income and no family to help me. I couldn't pay the $340 court ordered child support and she refused to let me see my daughter unless I paid her. Because of the restraining order, no money to pay the child support, she refuses to let me have any contact with my daughter. I'm 22 years old, living out of a car, my family is all in the Midwest, and none offering advice or guidance to help. The only thing I knew for sure was my ex-wife would follow through on having me arrested if she could. I took me over a year before I had a home and a job and was able to start paying her child support. When I tried to see my daughter she refused unless I paid all the back child support. It took me, I'm guessing here, about 9 months to get what she wanted so I could see my daughter. I contacted her and she tells me she's got remarried her new husband has already adopt my daughter. She told me she tried to contact me for consent but couldn't and they placed an ad in the paper to announce the adoption and she said because I didn't respond or contest the adoption I lost my parental rights. After crying for days I talked to an attorney to see if this was legal, he said what she did was legal. This has just become the worst day of my life. The one thing I want people to know about me who read this is what kind of person I am, how I was raised and the relationship/bond I had with my daughter. 20 hours after my daughter was born I was laying her down in her crib at home. I stood and stared at her all night long, she never cried, she slept the whole night. That night will be with me the rest of my life and will always be the best night I'll ever have. Everyday from that point on I was the first person she saw everyday. I woke up early everyday to change and feed her. I would put her in her stroller and take her with me while I walked and did my daily work around the apartment complex. I would be done and back home with her before 9am so her mom could go sit and work in the apartment manager office until 5pm when she got off work. I spent every minute with her from the moment I got to cut her umbilical cord and loved it. God put me on this earth to make people happy especially kids. I have a good heart and hold no ill will towards anyone, I see something positive in everything and believe the glass if half full always. I accepted the fact that I obviously messed up somewhere but viewed the adoption as at least my daughter will be raised with one set of parents. Having one set of parents raising her would give her a normal childhood and allow her to be raised like a normal family. She's no longer physically part of my life and I hope that one day when she's older she wants to know who I am. 3 years ago my daughter turns 18 years old. She's now an adult and I want to try and reach out to her. With the help of the internet, and my niece we find her on a popular kids social web site. My niece send her an e-mail identifying herself as her cousin and ask if she'd like to get to know each other. A couple days later I received an e-mail from her mother requesting I refrain from contacting my daughter, she says she's been raised all these years without me in her life and don't want me to be involved. Her mom's e-mail just confirmed that no matter what form of communication is invented, she'll find a way to be mean. My daughter is now 21 years old and I've honored her mothers wishes by not contacting her. Let's bring this story to the present. The first week of 2010 my current wife, received an e-mail from my x-wife identifying herself and that we have a 21 year old daughter together. (My wife knows my history) My ex-wife goes on to call me a deadbeat dad and tells my wife that I owe over $60k + interest in child support and that if I don't contact the courts and make arrangements to pay that she'll come after me with a wage garnishment or have me thrown into jail. This is were I need help. I've talked to an attorney who said she cannot collect child support after the date my daughter got adopted. I'm trying to find out if my daughter was really adopted. I know she had my daughters last name changed but I've never received anything proving she was adopted. By her requesting 17 years of child support leads me to believe she was never adopted. Am I at fault for not getting something shoving proof of the adoption. What can I do if I find out she was never legally adopted and my ex-wife told me that to keep me out of my daughters life. Knowing this really isn't about her trying to extort money from me, she's the one person who I know hates me and will do whatever it takes to make me unhappy. If anyone has been through anything like this or can give me some guidance as to what I should and can do, I would really appreciate your help. Long story and if you've taken the time to read it I hope it makes sense and you can help.
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Old 01-17-2010, 06:32 AM
bromanchik's Avatar
bromanchik bromanchik is offline
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If she was adopted there will be an amended birth certificate that lists her husband as the father. These are public record.

And the lawyer is right. You do not pay if your rights were terminated.
Brenda Romanchik
Insight: Open Adoption Resources & Support
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Old 12-06-2010, 12:36 PM
ldh65 ldh65 is offline
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My ex wife and I share 2 children together. When we got divorced I paid her child support directly to her because that was how she wanted it then all of a sudden they started taking it out of my check. She called me often stating one of my children needed something and she didn't have the money after they started taking child support out my check so I would send her the money to take care of my children. During the meantime I would call to speak to my children and she would tell me they were at a friends house or they were busy. One day my company that I worked for received a letter that my children were adopted and that I didn't owe anymore child support. After a couple of years had gone by I received a letter from the attorney general that I owed around $50K in back child support. My children were around 8 and 11 when they were adopted, now they are 20 and 23. they take $950 out of my check a month to give to my ex wife who has lost my children and my children were put up for adoption. I have tried to contact my children since all of this but they will not talk to me.
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Old 12-06-2010, 01:56 PM
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zxczxcasdasd zxczxcasdasd is offline
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There has to be more to this story because if your whereabouts were known and you were the father of record, there would have been/should have been notification and involvement by you before any adoption proceedings. Also, you mention phone calls, but not any visitation, which is important in maintaining parental rights. If they were adopted at 8 and 11, then there was likely some serious trauma involved in their removal and placement into another family.

Regardless of the past, if your children are now adults, it is up to them to agree to contact or not. It's easy to get caught up in the conflict between the adults (believe me, I know...) focusing on who was right and wrong and who did what, and forget that children have their own feelings and their own experience and will make their own decisions about relationships as they become older. All you can do is make yourself "findable" so that if and when they do to have contact with you, they will be able to do so.
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Old 06-16-2014, 02:12 PM
Kimberly_O Kimberly_O is offline
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I can not believe how similar the story is to my husbands! His daughter is only 13 and we had been going into 4 years of trying to track her down with her mother and his other younger daughter. You would not believe how impossible it is to find someone who just does not want to be found, unless you shell out money that no one has to get a lawyer. It has been awful. He finally found his ex wife and she told him the same. 4 years ago she had his daughters adopted to her new hubby. He was not "there" to contest it so there you have it! All that is total horse ********! You have fathers out there like my husband that are very good dads, pay their support and only want to spend time with their kids. Then there are the ex's who are psycho and fill these kids heads with all kinds of crazy stuff. I can only imagine. We are trying to find out if this is truth or not since we just found that she lives not far from us. But courts say that stuff is sealed. Well, not too cool if your still having a hunk of your check going out and are STILL not getting to see your children. I feel for you Haw8788! I know my husband is having an awful time of this, his heart is absolutely breaking here. He is so good to my own two children and it breaks my heart to know that he can't have that with his own right now. You always hope, one day, but I feel that you men are just getting so duped it is not even funny. If you are still on give us all an update, have you made any progress here?
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