[takingtheplunge]

I'm really happy for me friend who is preg, but I can't help be taken back by her registry. I don't know if it's because we adopted and I am being unconsciously bitter.

When we got our DS as a newborn, friends rallied around us, and I registered and had a little shower and welcoming to show off our little one. Only a few shopped our registry b/c it was "all of a sudden" and I guess people were just busy. In fact, the majority of the gifts trailed in after the welcoming, which is fine. We got lots of clothes, gift cards and cash from parents. However, most of the "essentials" pack n play and stroller were bought by us during our 24 hour notice. Yikes. Since we were adopting, I knew things would be dif. but I didn't expect it to bug me until now. In fact, we've been pretty budget conscience. There is no need to charge things for her. Rather, we conserve where we can and started a $1000 college fund.

I was happy and greatful, and now my friend found out she is having a boy.
She is due in January, and she already registered.
1/2 of her registry is clothes (including a $35 newborn jacket it will probably wear for 2 weeks since we will only have one month of winter left)!
Then, she registered at Baby USA $$$$ and picked out expensive funiture, $200 stroller, $200 bedding and more.
Before i knew she was going to register, I shared with her how I bought a 2nd hand crib and got a handed down swing, and I told her how she can save money. She had said, "yah, that's great. I am all about saving money." Now, I see her registry is loaded with high-end everything. I know it's to each his own, but they don't even own a house yet, and she can't afford to take off more than 6 weeks of work after having the baby. She said she is going to make "payments" on the $1000 funiture and is going to ask for her $200+ bedding for x-mas and make it work.

So her is where I feel bad. I could care less if they go into debt and choose material things over a college fund or 12 weeks of family leave, but sometimes I feel like she's made comments, "well, it's our first baby and our family is so excited for us" which leaves me feeling weird b/c my girl is my first baby too! Then, I wonder if she judges me for being frugal because I adopted verses having one. Who knows. Then, I feel guilty, if I had her would I be spending more? Probably not. When we moved I saved $300 by buying a one-eyar old used refrig. That is the type of person I am. I like nice things too, but I also like money in the bank.

Does anyone else have an over-the-top friend, too?

[EZ2Luv]

I seriously doubt it has anything to do with adoption vs pregnant with your own at all. I am sure is not the first firsttime Mommy to be that has had over the top registries. I think so many times it is all too easy to get carried away with registries and they become more or less a wish list.
I myself have done it with my first baby and thinking back with my wedding registry too.
With my second I was alot more frugal. Some people like yourself are alot more realistic. I have learned that it really isn't worth outting energy into other people's choices. If this is what she is wanting to do, so be it. Nothing you can say to her will make her change her mind.

People show their excitement in different ways. I think many PAPs would love to be able to do what your friend has done, it is just that adoption in itself can cause APs to go into debt so they really have no choice but to be frugal or at least a little more realistic about purchasing such high end baby gear.

IMHO while I get where you are coming from I feel it would be best to just let it go.
Another thing I wanted to mention is many times a person will place an expensive item on a gift registry (I just had this happen at a wedding shower I attended) in hopes that maybe a group will pitch in a purchase that one item. When I see high priced items on a registry I just get the person a gift card for that store that is within my means.
Again, sorry you are feeling slighted, but I really don't think this has anything to do with the fact you adopted at all. You have your baby and you do things the way that you feel they should be done. She will have her baby and will do things her way. No need to fault her for her choices even though they are not what you would do.
Parenting is not a competition. I have some aquantinces that would make you think it was with trying to out do each other with name brand this and top of the line that. I personally get more thrill from a bargain and getting more bang for my buck than parading around with something that will break the bank.
EZ

[Hadley2]

Hi, I'm way out of my neighborhood but saw your post on "today's new."

First, unnderstand that when people explain why they are spending so much money, it is because they suspect or know they are going over the top or think you will think they are and are a little uncertain or embarrassed about it, hence, feel the need to explain themselves, lighten it up, make it OK. They are not judging or thinking about you or your choices, they are worried about your judgments of them and theirs. Most of us do this about something--explain because we are self-conscious about something--sooner or later, rarely or often in life.

Second, variety is the spice of life. I have a friend like this, yes, a true lily of the field--and everything goes well for her, the Universe truly does provide. We, on the other hand, plug along safe and steady, cross every t, dot every i, save and invest, cultivate frugal habits and living fully not large...and Murphy's Law always seems to kick in anyway. So, you never know.

Both lifestyle approaches can provide peace of mind and comfort, both can induce anxiety and stress. I say go with what makes you feel comfortable and support your friend in doing the same. Just recognize that this is an area in which the two of you won't really have common ground.

Great blessings on you and your new family member!

[mommy2fiveplus]

I have friends who fell from that same tree!

I am the "bread-winner" in our house, with my 45K a year nursing job ( I work midnights). Donnie works part-time as a mechanic but mostly is a stay at home dad.

We have 5 kids plus extras when we have foster placements.

We make it work, we live mostly debt free (sans the mortgage) we live in a rural community in a house that is large but not prestigous (Amish lived here before us). We drive older cars (99 suburban and 94 Toyota Tercel). We do not have cable or satellite.

Everytime we spend money it is well thought out and planned for and I NEVER buy anything full price. I adore Goodwill, Sal Army and just about any other consignment or thrift shop I can find.

My kids are far from missing out. We live on a 10 acre farm surrounded by state land. They have a river a pond woods and a menagerie of animals including horses, ducks, kittens and dogs to entertain them. They have a room full of toys in the basement that they ignore unless it is raining outside.

STILL, two of my good friends who have the same job as I can not seem to make ends meet AND they only have 1-2 kids each!

They both have credit card debt, they drive new cars (payment plus higher insurance), they spend tons of money on stuff I would put on the back burner, and one doesn't own a house and the other is looking at foreclosure.

I don't understand why they make the choices they do but I look the other way and don't worry about it too much, they will learn their mistakes.

I had a moment such as yours last month when the friend who is facing foreclosure spent over $300 on her son's birthday present and over $500 on his party, he is 3 years old. My kids have one joint birthday party in May (a month that nobody's birthday falls in) and I might spend $25 ON EACH OF THEM.

I also felt this way when last X-mas my other friend with one child could not afford to pay her car payment, yet she spent over $500 on her child for x-mas. She was dumbfounded when I told her we spent $300 on all of the kids by taking them on 3 day trip to an indoor waterpark. We let the gifts under the tree be from our family and one each (about $25) from Santa.

It can be frustrating but I just try to live and let live.

[sgtfirstwife]

Aww do I know that feeling. I have three children, two adopted, one foster. My first daughter, we got almost nothing. There was a small, really small, shower at work. Some close friends did give me some gifts and my mother some wonderful gifts. So while I was grateful, after having gone to several other showers, I was a little surprised, but I have come to realiize that this is the way it is in the world of adoption.
Now I had a very close friend who also adopted. She went way over the top (in my opinion). Had a huge shower, top end furniture, expensive clothes and so on. It did not bother me. If she wants to go in debt, go for it. She is still doing this to this day. Buys tons of expensive clothes, toys ect. So now she is in debt, has to work, while I can stay at home and love my babies. We may not have the expensive clothes, but they have me here. The only thing I wish is that my inlaws were more supportive, but hey that is another story.

[millie58]

I'd like to reply to the post about 2 friends who can't make ends meet. I couldn't either, even though on paper, I made enough for me and the kiddies. Turns out, I'm ADD; take meds and I'm much much better. Just a thought.

[kayb]

Well, I think we ALL know someone who goes over the top on buying baby stuff. my gf just had one last summer....it was outrageous.

The centerpieces were $100 worth of gifts in a basket or vase. and the four people at each table were expected to contribute $25 each towards the centerpiece. when i called to Rsvp, she asked me for a check to help defray the cost of my table's centerpiece
........Ah, NO! I've already bought her a gift.

Then....we were all asked to bring one pack of diapers to that additionally. The average out of pocket for each guest was about $100.

Not me. I'm the resale queen! i dress my dd and fs in gymboree and gap and never buy them new. I push around a peg perego and kate spade diaper bag and bought them so cheap 2nd hand, you'd cry.

Our little foster parent group in my town act
ually starting throwing a party for each child that finalizes. one lady had adopted NINE TIMES and no one had ever given her a shower. She gets her first one in october!

oh, btw, the girl who had the above shower, spent so much on her new stuff (spent more even after the shower)- sadly, her house is in foreclosure....but her son just had his room redone from pottery barn. SOOOO SAD! What the heck is wrong with these people?

[meshsgrl]

I gotta chime in here even tho you are not in my area!!
I was told by my friends "oh they are just foster kids, they dont need new stuff". They go out and spend 600 or more a yr on PICTURES of their kids!!!
I also have a friend who cant afford her kids counseling but THEN takes her kids to get her nails done!!! The counselling is less then the nails!!!

[Artemis444]

Honestly, from what you have said here, I think it's all you. Bear with me here, I'm not being mean..... She is just going about her business as an excited, first time mom. She does things differently than you. You are the kind of person who would have been frugal had you given birth, correct? She is not.

I don't think her comments have anything at all to do with you or judgement toward you. She is all about her right now. We all know how that is....whether it's our graduation, wedding, children etc...we get so wrapped up in ourselves, we aren't thinking about how other people do, or did, things.

As for the finances, those are her business and she and her family are the ones who need to live with those decisions.

You mentioned you may have some unconscious bitterness. I would call it unresolved regret. Be gentle on yourself, and your friend. Focus on the fact that you both are able to create happy, healthy families, in your different ways, and let the rest go.

[qs mom]

I threw my own adoption shower and listed that it was thown by my mom, sister and best friend. They paid for about 1/2 of it, I paid the other 1/2 and planned most of it. I felt guilty putting a couple expensive things on the registry, but I starting thinking about how many times I put in $ with my mom and my sister to get one of the bigger items on someone's registry and figured my aunts and cousins may want to do the same thing.

My son was nearly 3 when I adopted him. My parents bought his bed, so the most expensive thing on my registry was a digital camera, I didn't get it, but I didn't expect it either. And a stroller. I received 2 beautiful strollers. I returned one and got a car seat that I needed.

My friend was PO'ed that her aunt bought her a lamp that wasn't on her registry. My thought was be thankful that her aunt cared enough to get her a gift and attend the shower.

You just live a different lifestyle. I don't buy video games and gaming systems for my child. I don't allow him to spend hours in front of a screen. My sister and my friends do. My son dances, ice skates, attends Boy Scouts and Awana. Their excuse is that they can't afford it. If they didn't buy $40-$590 video games they might. Boy Scouts and Awana are $.50 a week. So, I can afford the $1 week. Ice skating costs me $50 for the season, as we get financial assistance for that. Dancing does cost me some money. But it costs me less than the couple of games they each buy every month.