[morandi7]

I am an adoptive mother of a 2-1/2 year old daughter, who has been a dream come true for our family. A little background - my husband just turned 51 and I'm 39 (40 in May). Today is actually our 16th Wedding anniversary. We have 6 children, including our adopted daughter. Two of the kids are adults (my step-kids), ages 24 and 22, so they don't live with us. We have 3 boys, 15, 13 and 11. I wanted to raise a daughter, so we chose adoption as we only make boys.

When we were placed with our daughter we filled out a form asking to be called first if her birth-mom had any more children so we would have the option to adopt first. Well, the phone call came today that my daughter has a 2 month old baby sister. My husband had a knee jerk reaction and said no right off the bat. He said he thinks he is too old and that it wouldn't be fair to our daughter because she's the "princess" and it would be hard for her because she wouldn't be the center of attention anymore. I understand the feeling old part, but I think it would be wonderful to have a sister for her to grow up with.

My husband was bothered by the whole thing, he wished we didn't hear about her and is torn if she does go to another family if we should keep contact with the sister as it would be confusing to our daughter. I am upset because if he wasn't serious about it when we adopted our daughter, why the heck did we say we wanted to be contacted??? He's the one who made the decision to check the box "yes", I let him decide because we knew this was a big possibility.

We didn't really discuss it much tonight because it was our anniversary and we have until next Tuesday to make a decision, but I am so torn. It definately is harder to raise a younger child at our age, but it has been such a blessing too. Plus, we are financially more stable at this point in our life and able to enjoy our kids. I love our little girl so much and the thought of someone else raising her sister makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly don't think her being adopted will ever be an issue because we are so open about it. But, having a sister raised with her who is biologically related - wouldn't that help her later in life to be more secure with the adoption? Plus, having a sister is so special - I know they would be close.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this??? I'd love to hear your stories. How old is too old? Anyone with their own bio kids, adopting bio-siblings? What about reluctant husbands? Any advice is appreciated.

[Yash]

I might soon be in your position, I just found out that my daughter's birth mother is at least 5 1/2 months pregnant. My daughter will be 1 on the 26th. I'm a single mom of soon-to-be-three kids and I keep wondering can I parent 4 kids under 4. My family is very supportive and helpful, but at the end of the day it's all on me and 4 kids under 4 seems like a lot.

I've thought about this and prayed about this and finally left it in God's hands. I called my daughter's lawyer and told her to put in her records that I'm possibly interested in adopting this new baby if he or she is taken into custody. I did this just in case DCF "forgets" to call me.

I think you need to have a sit down with your husband about how you're feeling. It sounds like you want to adopt this little girl. Ask him why he signed the "please contact us" question, if he truly didn't mean it.

Yes, your daughter will be jealous of her new sibling, but that's life. Your family can have not just one, but two princesses. My son loves helping out with his younger sister.

I wish you the best of luck. Where is the baby currently living?

[morandi7]

Baby is in a foster home. Thanks for the response. I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with hubby tonight, so wish me luck!

[carlam]

Good Luck!! I don't have any advice but just wanted to say Happy Anniversary and Good Luck!!

[JJemail1]

If I were you I would consider the following things:

1) Am I OK with the risk of this baby being reunified? (We fostered a newborn who we were certain we would adopt because his 4 siblings were adopted and then he was reunified after 6 months.)

2) Do the baby's current foster parents want to keep her and is that a consideration for you? (In NJ, the state is obligated to offer siblings to the parents of previously adopted siblings. Had our foster baby's siblings' adoptive parents agreed to take her when we had already had her for 5 months, we would have been devistated. Luckily, they didn't and we're in the process of adopting our beautiful little girl right now.)

Other than the above, I think you're asking yourselves all the key questions. I tend to agree with you that children have more to gain than lose from having siblings (biological or not). I would have been so lonely as a child without my sister!

Best wishes in your decision!
Jennifer

[Sunshinemom]

Good luck with your conversation with DH. I have no experience with this but did want to make a point about adding a younger sibling. I think it would be a wonderful gift to your daughter to give her a sister to grow up with. Her brothers are all so much older than her I'm sure she doesn't have much in commen with them, but a sister close in age to grow up with may be a gift for life. Not to mention the opportunity to share her life with a biological sibling.

As far as age goes, since I've only had my children in my 30's, being 39 and raising a baby doesnt' sound too old to me!

I'm sure that you and your husband will make the decision that is right for your family!

[Yash]

Morandi7,

How did the talk go? What did you guys decide to do?

[morandi7]

Hi Yash, we're not taking the bio-sister. I am sad, but also can understand where my hubby is coming from. He is getting to the age where he's really done having kids. It would add a lot of stress to our family and, even though I think the baby would be healthy, there's always that chance she would have problems, and that would be very unfair to our daughter and the rest of our kids.

I knew deep down in my heart my husband wouldn't change his mind. He said twice last night that "we can't save the world", which is true. I didn't necessarily want to start over with another baby myself, but the thought of two princesses was very appealing. I'm grateful that I have my one princess, she has been a dream come true for me and our family and we're so lucky to have her. I'm hoping we can eventually have some contact with the little sister, if our daughter wants to later in life. I think I'm going to let that be her choice.

Thanks for checking in. I appreciate everyone's support on this board.

[Yash]

I'm glad you guys are at peace with your decision, I know it was a toughie.

Take care and keep enjoying your princess and her brothers...