[RyRysmom]

This will be my first posting so I hope I do it right! I need help-----Just to know that we are not alone. We foster parented for two years. Had no plan to adopt!!! In that two years we had 16 foster children. In November of 05 we got a beautiful baby boy, Ryan, who was three weeks old. Immediatly started visits with mom and sibs. New Years Eve of 05 got a one day old, gorgeous baby boy, Tony. Both boys had multiple siblings and we worked with both single moms to reunite but just didn't happen. They became our sons and even though we are older, we couldn't let them go.

In August of 06 we took Tony's sister Gabby! She was 2and a half, didn't speak much, wasn't potty trained and would go into screaming rages that would last up to two hours! Our idea was that it was important to keep at least two (there were 6) of the siblings together. Our adoptions were final on all three on August 31st of this year. The screaming tantrums are gone. She speaks like a teenager, way beyond her 3 and a half years.

They are all in pre-school and all are thriving but now Gabby is starting to show real signs of jealousy, mostly directed towards Ryan, not her Bio brother. She has also gotton very aggresive towards a puppy that I got for them, to the point that I can't leave them alone together. She has gotten very cold towards me and if I put her in time out, will just stare at me not even blinking!! Time outs, etc. aren't working!! Anyone have any expertise they can pass on to me? Everyone says she is just trying me to see if we will abandon her as she was in three other homes before ours. It seems strange that it would start now when everything is going good! Could that be it and how do you get through this?

Thanks for your support, Stephanie

[Sunshinemom]

Stephanie, I don't have any good advice for you, but didn't want to leave you here with no responses. I suggest that you post this on the general foster care or fost/adopt boards. The state specific boards don't get as much action and since your questions are one that can be answered by people from any state, you'll get alot of great advice on a more "active" board.

good luck!

[Yash]

I agree she's testing you. It's like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. She'll do something so outrageous that you'll give up on her and she'll be moved. I think you'll probably have to ride this out. Remind her that you love her and nothing she could do or say could make you stop loving her. She just need reassurances.

My friend's 8-year-old son started acting out majorly a month before finalization after she fostered him for 1 1/2 year. She was really at her wits end. But everyone told her he was just scared and trying to sabatoge the adoption. She kept reminding him that she was in it for the long haul. After finalization his behavior tapered down.

So sorry other than reassuring her about how she's "stuck" with you for forever, I can't offer any other help than what you're doing now.

Happy thanksgiving!

[RyRysmom]

Thank you for answering. We are still dealing with small issues but overall, I think she is realizing she is here to stay. She is now calling both of the boys her babies and as long as they don't take away a toy, life remains fairly calm. Thanks again for you input.

[sundara]

Originally Posted by RyRysmom

Gabby is starting to show real signs of jealousy, mostly directed towards Ryan, not her Bio brother. She has also gotton very aggresive towards a puppy that I got for them, to the point that I can't leave them alone together. She has gotten very cold towards me and if I put her in time out, will just stare at me not even blinking!! Time outs, etc. aren't working!! Anyone have any expertise they can pass on to me? Everyone says she is just trying me to see if we will abandon her as she was in three other homes before ours. It seems strange that it would start now when everything is going good!

.... Thank you for answering. We are still dealing with small issues but overall, I think she is realizing she is here to stay. She is now calling both of the boys her babies and as long as they don't take away a toy, life remains fairly calm. Thanks again for you input.

I would strongly recommend that you have her checked for RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Please see the Special Needs & Attachment forum - there is a lot of similar behavior to what you describe.

Also, one important thing to be aware of is that her current good behavior and settling in may not last - it may be a coping mechanism to get what she wants for now - I say this because you have strong concerns over her behavior (acting much older than 3, concern about danger to pets, tantrums, jealous behavior, etc). The only one of these that sounds like it could possibly be 'typical' for a 2-3 year old is the jealousy, but your description of it sounds like it is more extreme than wanting normal attention, since it is only one child [the non-biological sib] that causes it. All of the others may be strong RAD indicators, but you will need to have her evaluated.

I know that this is probably the last thing you would like to believe right now, but from experience, I can say that the earlier you start, the better off you (and your kids will be). If she isn't RAD, the worst that happens is a bit of time/expense to be evaluated. If she is RAD and it is ignored, the consequences can quickly become unmanageable.

Best of luck to you, and sorry for the difficult message.