[Momoffive1966]

We are in the process of adopting two AA children ages 8 and 5. We are CC and searching for wisdom, advice and input from those who have been there. Our social workers are great but I want connection with those who have real experience.....

[mrsduck]

While older children can always be a hand full, My husband adopted 2 1/2 sibs, and they are great kids and have bonded completely. We consider ourselves lucky to have them and they us, We encountered minor problems the daughter came to us at age 9 it took 7 mos, longer to get her 1/2 brother he came to us at age 6. bonding with my husband and adopted daughter occured before she came to the house she never knew her father, with me it took longer, but over the years now we have a great relationship, but secretly I think overcoming her mother still eats at her. our son his problems were more, he was not toliet trained (still wetting) day and night, he still has problems day wetting even at age 10, he is very impulsive, not as hyper as he was age is helping, and no common sense. But both kids are High honor roll students our son is at the smae level of reading as his sister, they hardly ever fight even though they did not come from the same foster home seperated to " de parentify the daughter" Both are drug / alcohol exposed but lucky to not be affected. We have our parental moments but life is so great were going to do it again.

[Momoffive1966]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
I just finished our first all day visit. It was great. It's getting harder and harder to drop them off. 14 Days and they will be home for good.

[treschicas]

We have had our 10 year old daughter for a year. We are supposed to finalize in Feb or March. From my experience, I think it's important to remember all children are different. I went through all the training, plus addtional parenting classes to keep my foster license current. I think that older kids are really painted w/ a broad brush. When it comes to adopting an older child, we are given the worst case senario for their background, behavior, development, and future. But in our case, it just didn't fit. My daughter was fortunate that she was never abused, but she was neglected and parentified. She had a pretty rough first 9 yrs, w/ her bi-polar mom, and she does miss her. But her behavior and development are right on track. She is very bonded w/ our family-she even told me and her therapist that she feels like I'm her "real" mom. Her therapist even thinks she is doing really well and thinks we can just help w/ adjusting to adolescence and transitioning to middle school, which as we know is pretty brutal for every kid. Time will tell, but I am very optomistic about her future. She should be able to accomplish anything! I guess my advise would be to keep your eyes open for signs of trouble, use your parental instincts and hope for the best! Good luck to you and your family.

[Momoffive1966]

How do you deal with the issues of her missing her Bio Mom?

[treschicas]

I have a concern w/ that that I actually mentioned at our last councilling session. She herself thinks she is doing just great and doesn't need therapy any more, that she feels like she never has anything to talk about and it kind of seems like a waste of time. She said she does miss her mom, but she doesn't really think about it because she's "preoccupied w/ her new life" (her words, she's pretty bright). I told her that while we all agree that everything looks great on the outside, my fear is that in a couple years when she's a teenager, she'll have issues because she hasn't confronted and dealt w/ her feelings about losing her mom. The thearapist and I told her that almost everyone has to deal w/ a lot of crap as a teenager anyway, that it's tough enough, we just want to make sure that she is as prepared and as healed as possible. She says that she thinks we think she misses her mom more than she actually does. She says she does miss her, but she doesn't miss her old life at all. She was very poor and always dreamed of the life she has now. She wanted stability and to feel safe. She says I act more like a "real mom" to her and she feels like she's been with our family forever-even though it's only been a year. I think one thing that may have helped was that her mom had talked about giving her up for adoption for a long time. She said she knew the day would come someday. We are also having an open adoption, so she knows she's most likely still get to see her mom every once and awhile (that's up to mom at this point, she's kind of made herself scarce). I let her talk about her life w/ her mom and never denegrate her. Also I think what has worked well for us to this point is getting her involved w/ sports- a dream she always had and now plays softball and soccer- and I'm very involved w/ her w/ school. I volunter in her class, chaparone field trips etc. I remember the first time I met her she said "I love my mom, but I wish I could have a normal life and do things normal kids do." We've taken a vacation to Disneyland and she's grown very close to her extended family-mine and my husbands siblings and parents. Again, she always dreamed of having a grandma. Don't get me wrong, we have days that are pretty challanging-she had never been disaplined and has always been told she is a "perfect child", which of course no body is- but most of the problems stem from both she and our 7 year old bio daugher previously being only children, and now having to share a room, tv etc. But, I feel things are much more better than any of the experts warned us about. You might want to check back in an couple of years. Please feel free to ask me any more questions. I hope that helped!

[Momoffive1966]

It's been a year since the kids came home and we are just now starting to see some issues with the 9 year old. It has been a hard year as we have also adopted a baby who came to us in May 05 at 4.75 months old.
I am concerned about my 9 (almost 10)year old. I think her attachment to us is superficial....how would I know?
Anybody have any attachement experience?

[jackiesbooks]

I know my FD attachment is superficial because :

- She only really affection when others are around
or
- When she clearly wants something

[Momoffive1966]

Good example. I don't have that going on just a sense that the attachement is superficial. I am hoping others may have some firm examples like yours to help me figure this out.

[crick]

Mom - if her affection for you is only on her terms and not yours, that might be a sign of unhealthy attachment. Meaning if she only "allows" hugs etc. when she gives them to you and not when you give them to her. And like Jackie said, does she give you more affection simply to get something?

How is her eye contact with you?

Does she shower virtual strangers with affection or have no qualms whatsoever going right up to strangers?

Does she have appropriate responses when you leave for a day or any period of time? Miss you at all, and happy to see you when you get back or is she simply "don't care if she leaves and not a big deal when she comes back"?

Does she let you be in control or does she need to be in constant control?

These are just some attachment thoughts...

[crick]

More signs of possible attachment disorder. Keep in mind that not all kids will have every one of them and showing signs doesn't mean full blown RAD necessarily, but can mean attachment issues in general that you might need to get further info on or help from an attachment therapist...

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger
•Resists affection on parental terms
•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying
•Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
•Poor peer relationships
•Steals
•Lies about the obvious
•Lack of conscience - shows no remorse
•Destructive to property, self and/or others
•Lack of impulse control
•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive
•Learning lags/delays
•Speech and language problems
•Incessant chatter and/or questions
•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy
•Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food
•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil
•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts
•Parents appear hostile and angry
•The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life

[amylauren3030]

Hi,
My husband and I married when my step-daughter was about 8. She loved me to death!!....THEN! LOL We have had our battles.
She is now 14. We still have our battles, and I still feel sometimes that she loves me best when I am "handing out" the things that she wants, BUT...I just keep on praying and plugging, because I know she loves me.
I keep working to instill values in her and I let her know that even if she gets mad, I am her mom, not her best bud. I have rules...she will follow them. I love her, even when she doesn't love me.
I let her know when she hurts me, and I apologize if I hurt her. We are getting there. I don't know that we will ever be as close as I would like, but I know she will be better and I will too for what we have gone through together. (being drunk at age 13 /drug her out of a house with two boys at age 12 1/2 /these were really tough, because my husband is a preacher)
She hugs me now...stiff sometimes, but a hug...sometimes I grab her and hug her really hard and kiss her smack on the forehead and she cracks up!!
She has definitely helped get me ready for foster kids.
You will be in my prayers. Keep us updated.
(by the way, my step-daughter's mom died when she was 5...I know that she doesn't want to get close because she is afraid of losing someone again. That could be true in your daughter's case too)
Hang in there!