[mrbeansmom]

I have a dilemma and wondered if any of you knew the legalities of what we're dealing with. We are currently in a concurrent placement with a couple of children we are fostering to adopt. We were told at the telling that we ~had~ to give our cell phone number to the birth parents so that they could call us and ask about the kids. None of the kids are verbal so they are not able to speak with the children themselves. They call just to talk to me and I am not at all comfortable with it. They tell me to tell the kids things that I cannot such as that they are getting their lives back together and are coming to get them soon.

I have heard from some foster/adopt parents that they would never give out their number and they want NO contact with the birth family. I would not have chosen to give out my number or have contact either. This is not a safe family. I was not given the choice, however, and was in fact told that by law we have to allow the birth family to call us. Some have told me that federal law states that we have a right to our privacy and that includes not having to do that.

Does anyone know what the rule is concerning this? The worker acts as though I am out of line for saying I don't want any contact with these people. She says it's the law and the birth parents have a right to that information. It hardly seems fair that they get my number when I wouldn't be allowed to have theirs (not that I need it).

[DianeS]

I don't know about the legalities of having to give it or not. If it's required anywhere, then it varies depending on where you live.
Definately don't take anyone's word for it - you probably know that already. Ask to see the law where it's written.

But I do know that there are workarounds that allow the bios to telephone while still keeping your confidentiality. The most secure seems to be getting a cheap cell phone plan and only giving out that number to bios. Sometimes a second phone line or an 800 number can be set up in such a way that the phone number can't be traced back, either. If you do those, that number could be dropped once the children were either legally yours or back with the family, so they didn't permanently have your number.

Or, if phone contact is required but actually giving them the phone number is not, perhaps you could set up a set time when you will call them. Then you could block your number before you dial.

I wish you luck, and hope someone else can give you guidance on the legalities part of your question.

[mrbeansmom]

Thanks Diane. I have been searching the Internet for any info on foster parent rights, but haven't really found anything yet. You had some good suggestions. Unfortunately, they already have my cell number. I don't get reception inside my house so I always have to go outside to talk with them. It's very disruptive, especially when thse kids are designated to go to adoption. This has been a very emotionally trying time. I could not recommend concurrent planning to anyone...............

[sfbaymom2000]

Hi,

Why do you say you would not recommend concurrent planning? Because of dealing with the birth family? What is the alternative? I was told that if you will only do "straight adoption" that there are very few children available. Our social workers have said that the courts generally will not terminate birth parents' rights until an adoptive family is identified, so there are very few legally free children available for adoption. We are also not looking forward to having contact with a birth family.

Were you able to, and did you, specify only children with a low risk of returning to their birth family? I've been told you can do this, but not sure if that then might mean less contact with the birth family also.

I think you mentioned in another post that you had already adopted a daughter. Was that experience different as far as the fost/adopt process as well? I think you said you didn't have the behavior issues with her that you are expeiencing with a new toddler?

Thanks!
Lynn

[sonni]

mrbeansmom, I know of a different method used by some concurrent planning families. The birth family has a specified time that they call the social worker. The social worker then processes a 3 way conference call. As soon as the worker has the birth family on the phone she calls the foster family and 3 ways it all together. The social worker then can also monitor the call. Insist that they do it this way. That way the birth family will not invade your privacy, have your phone number, or be as much of an inconvenience to you. Believe me, the social workers don't like concurrent planning as much as you don't. This is a legal formality that does not last very long. Once they place the kids with you TPR should happen very soon. Good luck, Sonni

[mrbeansmom]

sfbaymom2000 and sonni-

The reason I said I couldn't recommend concurrent placement is because of ~ALL~ that's involved. There is just so much red tape and so many inconsistencies. One day everything is a go, the next the rug is pulled out from under you. One person will tell you not to worry and that the children will definitely be staying with you and the very next person tells you that you need to brace yourself because they most likely will go home. There just seems to be so much speculation and very little truth. I hear it time and time again. So why did we do it again? Aaacckk! I don't know. I guess because our love for kids outweighs the heartache.

We are not new to this. We have 9 children. The oldest two are our birth children. We were foster parents for nearly ten years and adopted two of our children after fostering them since birth. The next child is a birth sib to one of those children and we had been asked to adopt her as well, but when she was born the birth parents didn't want social services to have her and, since social services screwed up big time and didn't put the police hold on her they were supposed to, we ended up having to adopt her through the private agency she was in as we wanted to keep the sibs together. They both have FAS as well as moderate mental retardation, mild CP and ADHD. The other child has autism.

Four and a half years ago we adopted a child from social services as a straight adoption. She was 18 months old and though she developed seizures after she turned two and has some learning disabilities, she is a sweet, sweet little girl and is doing very well. She actually was a concurrent planning adoption too, but her parents rights were terminated one month after we got her and they never had any visits although they could have. That experience went so well that was why we decided to do it again.

In this case, we started out wanting to adopt one. They called us with this sib pair and, while we were going through tranistion visits, the mom gave birth to another and we agreed to take that one too. Now the problem is that they are each on a totally different schedule and each case is different. One mom gave birth to all three. The father of the oldest wants him back and since he was in jail the judge decided to go ahead and give him 6 months of services even though he could have had services in jail had he requested them as his worker instructed him to. The middle child is already in adoptions and has a different father who is not involved in any way. The baby has the same father as the middle one, but mom wants him back. She actually wants all three, but my understanding is that she can't have the oldest and she doesn't seem to understand that the middle one is in adoptions. Being in adoptions doesn't automatically mean that the mom can't get them back. It just means that mom will have to work a little harder to get them back. The baby was put on a "fast track" and may be placed in adoptions right away, but mom could get 6 months of services with him.

So, they are all different and all possibly temporary. We, in essence, are "on hold" for probably 8-12 months before anything is final on anyone, if ever.

Sonni, I'll have to bring up the phone calls with the worker. What you suggested sounds very good. The workers sometimes act as though I am being too paranoid, but I have reason to and they know it. What you suggested would be a good, safe solution, thanks.

[bluemoonfor2]

I checked in the bylaws for California foster parents, and it is not required that you provide your phone number for any of your placements. I gave my phone number out to only one of our eleven placements. The one we actually are ending up adopting. If you are uncomfortable, as you have right to be, stand firm on her not calling you especially if the kids can't even speak to her. ~bluemoon

[yanknrebel]

Our fd is only 2 1/2 and her bmom has served jail time for 2 counts of severe child abuse against her 2 oldest children (aged 1 month and 2 months at time of events). She is not a safe person. The bfather has been told he would have to break all ties with bmom if he wants to be considered to get this baby back. We have had the baby since birth (28 months tomorrow) and the bmom is not allowed visitation and bfather only has supervised visitation. There is concurrent planning in place. At the last meeting (permanancy ) when we were given the paperwork (we all get aset) of what the goals are and what has to be done, I noticed that ALL of the info was on there. For the first year and a half, the bparents did not know our names. We were always referred to as foster parents. At this meeting, not only was our name on these papers, but so was our phone number and address. I was infuriated. The state is trying to protect this child, but they give out this info? The bfather has moved to another state about 4 months ago. We were told that in order to be in accordance with his visitation rights, I had to either call him or allow him to call us so that he could speak to the baby. SHe is 28 months and while she likes the phone, she will nod when spoken to but won't answer. What kind of conversation did they think would take place? I told the cw I would call the bf. I tol dthe cw when would be a good time and when I would be calling. I bought a phonecard from Sam's. It shows the number being from GA (we live in TN). During our conversation, the bf started yelling at me, because I told him that he was the only person allowed at visitation with the baby. (He had been bringing his mother, his cousin, his cousin's son and the cousin's daughter all to visitation). I had spoken to the DCS attorney before the phone call and told her about all these people coming to visitation. (Our cw, while nice, has no backbone). I told the bfather if he yelled at me again, I would hang up. He pleaded with me not too. The phone call lasted about 1 hour, of which 2 minutes were to the baby. He just wanted to justify he and the bmom's actions to me. After the conversation, I contacted the DCS attorney and told her what happened. SHe agreed with me that the baby was too young to be having phone calls and told me I did not need to continue them and she would speak to the cw. If any phne calls or info was needed, the bf would need to call and ask the cw, not me.

[flxbl1]

I learned the hard way about giving out numbers/info. At the time, I was a foster parent only. Not intending on adoption. I still wanted my number/address kept confidential.

When the child was ready to go home (parents had completed their case plans) I gave them our number and address because I felt it was in the child's best interest for us to keep in contact. He came to me as a newborn and had been with me for a year. So I babysat for them and kept in contact. Everything seemed to be going great. A couple of days before the trial period was up things blew up and the child was immediately returned to me. Now the bios new where I lived and had my phone number.

To keep this short, I'm now adopting this child. He's 2 and a half and I'll have to move when the adoption is final due to the circumstances involved with these parents.

If I had it to do all over again, I would never give them my personal information. I don't know how I would have done it differently but I would have figured out a way.

So keep everything as private as possible. For your safety and your peace of mind.

[mrbeansmom]

>>I checked in the bylaws for California foster parents, and it is not required that you provide your phone number for any of your placements. I<<

bluemoonfor2, do you have a source that states this? My handbook from the PRIDE classes I had to take say you do need to give birth parents your number and you do have to talk with them.

I am especially concerned now because they are going to be telling the mom that we are planning on adopting one of the three. Ultimately, we would like to adopt all three and keep them together, but they are in the system separately and have three separate cases so we will have to wait a loooong time before we ever see how it's all going to work out.

I appreciate the time you all have taken to share your experiences with me. I have taken them to heart. This woman (and the father) have a long history of domestic violence and it does concern me greatly to have them know anything about us. I hate that they're even telling them that we're planning to adopt. How awkward is that going to be?!

I just wish it was all over. This has literally taken eyars off of my husband's and my lives. It's one of the most difficult experiences we've ever gone through. As I said, I wil ~never~ recommend it to anyone.

[Volfe]

www.adoptionlawsite.com

This site lists all states, their law code and case law as well. Also general news of current caselaw. Very good site.

I briefly skimmed over the California code that might apply and noted one thing. I don't know your whole story but if there is a chance the parents can get the kids back the law states that contact must be allowed and suggested it might be a problem if its not.

There's a lot to read too, I spent a weekend reading my states entire family law statutes. Wordy legalese!

Maia