[kaishi]

Sounds like there are quite a few newbies in the forum but what I'm looking for is an experienced person who can tell me I'm not losing my mind! We have a new 19 month old who was placed with us (fost/adopt) and I'm having a hard time. He does not have any spoken words yet but screams and yells and throws fits of the classic toddler kind. I have an older child so I'm pretty experienced with it and can recognize it. The hard part is that he does this only at home and shows all friends and family his sweet side...which only makes me feel more crazy. What I'm struggling with is bonding. I find it hard to bond with this screaming banshee. I've tried a number of things to try to bond:Bottle feeding in the rocking chair, book reading, singing songs... but he doesn't want to sit for very long. He just wants to keep going going (which is also normal for his age). You know its just so different when you start in this age vs an infant. I guess I'm really struggling with it.

[cheyenne1]

He trying to find bondaries. He pushes you to see how far he can go and still have you love him.
As for being cute to others, he was probably rewarded and found he can get thing this way.
Language wise try sign language, it might stop some of the screaming. Start small like hungry, drink, juice, milk, more, please, and thank you. You'll be amazed by difference communication can do.

[mrbeansmom]

The behaviors you describe are also suggestive of a reactive attachment disorder. We are going through a similar situation with a 14 month old who was placed with us a month ago. She has a very sweet smile and can tease and play around, but she throws amazing tantrums and is pretty discontent much of the time. I pointed her behavior out to our doctor (of course while I'm saying this she is falling all over the nurse with hugs and such-which she NEVER gives us- and making a liar out of me). The doctor told me to force her to hug and give her kisses whether she wants them or not. I truly don't think that's the answer.

Our last daughter we adopted at 18 months and she never had any of these behaviors. She'd been in 5 different placements too. I can never figure these little ones out..............

[sfbaymom2000]

Hi mrbeansmom,

Sounds like you've had two very different experiences with the 14 month old and your adopted daughter. Was there much of a difference in their behaviors during pre-placement visits...i.e. did the 14 month old exhibit these behaviors then? Were you told about the (excessive?) tantrums, etc. by the former foster parents or the child's social workers? I know all toddlers have some tantrums and that all foster children will have attachment issues, but I am trying to get a feel for how much you can expect to know about a given child's behavior problems before placement. By the way, how old is your adopted daughter now? Has she adjusted pretty well?

Also, although I am very new to this process I would totally agree with you that forcing a child to gibe hugs and kisses is NOT the way to go! Good luck to you!

sfbaymom2000

[RhondaVoos]

It is wrong to force hugs and especially kisses. But in order to help these kids attach it is necessary for you to force them to accept being held and touched. They don't want it because it is foreign to them and scary for them to want you to touch them. Mostly when they are screaming it is for control. It makes them feel in control to "make" you get made (or stressed or exasperated etc.) Control is everything when you have had so much go on in your life that is beyond your control. Never let them see you sweat, it makes them think you are not strong enough to protect them, because if you are not strong enough to make them behave..... Keep doing what you are doing and practice fake it til you make it to find oppourtunities to touch. Simon says and follow the leader are great games to let them know that following your requests is not a bad thing. Anything that causes them to make eye contact is great too. Good luck, it will get better. That thing they do with making you look like a fool for saying they have issues is cute too isn't it?? Think of it as them trying to make you jealous, that's how I got through it. I also got a video camers and made tapes for the Drs and social workers, because they NEVER got to see the real thing.

Rhonda
Mom of Steven and Darlene (5 and 7)

[sanleanne]

We adopted our daughter from the foster system and while she was a bit older, she had some similar behaviors with other placements. She went into care at 6 years and we got her when she was 11. She didn't seem to attach with the other placements and twice she was in a foster/adopt situation and after 1 1/2 years in one an 9 months in the other, the families gave her back. We talk about it now that she is 13 and she says that she could tell that they were frustrated and she wanted to be in control of her life because it was so out of control with the removal and subsequent placements. If a family wasn't going to bond then it was going to be because she decided, when in fact she could sense her impending return to the system. I think children can sense this early and really don't know how to organize the thoughts regarding it. When we took her in without even meeting her first, we did it knowing we would never give her up. She knew right away that things were different. We have had her a little over 2 years and she is the most amazing child I have aver met. None of the past issues are present and she is so completely bonded.

You have to give this little one some time and that may be longer than you thought. Imagine what they have been through, even when they are babies, they know. I could never have emotionally survived what my daughter has so I just am there with unconditional love...no matter what.

[HappyMomAnna]

They say that the hardest age for placement might actually be the toddleres.... And that is for so many of the reasons you seem to be facing...

First of all we cannot actually explain to them what the heck just happened....and they cannot tell us how they are feeling about us or what has just happened. There is no reasonable way to communicate with a little guy who has had his whole life turned upside down.

He may be missing something as silly as a teddy bear--or hearing a cetain phrase that he heard in his former life. Our little boy is very 'pattern' orinted and sometime he has a fit for them most silly reason. He is 27 months old and still gets his before bed bottle...which I have been trying to cut out....But, everynight when big sissy goes to bed he has a fit and wants what he wants...it is a small piece of his security. I may have to find a new ritural...perhaps this summer allowing sissy to stay up later then he does in order to break his routine.

Secondly, personality and temperment are often very different between even biological children. I would have never had another baby had I had my oldest daughter as the first child...I was spoiled by her wonderful brother who was the easiest baby on earth and then she came along....If I had had her first I would have stopped right there.

There are some trick to getting a little one to accept the attachment things. One thing we did with out little boy when he was placed is to sit on the kitchen floor and spoon feed him ice cream.... eye contact and non threatening situations led to closer and closer contact...Now he jumps inot our laps and is ready to be held while he gets his bites of ice cream.... They say there might be something with Lactose that helps the brian build connections which help with attachment....that is why we are happy to let him have a few bites on our terms.

It has to be very upsetting to have our whole world change and not understand why? Time and effort on the parents part can build these bonds with a toddler....

[Haddaway]

Geez, If I didn't know better, I'd say we have the same kid! same age and everything. We call him baby "T" at home, because of his baby Pterodactyl scream. It is as if that was how he learned to communicate. This kid too had no language, not understood or spoken. I wondered if he could hear, and immediately started on sign language. He knows the basics now: Milk, water, cookie so he can let me know some basic needs.

The issue for me, in a short term placement is MY bonding with this child. I sometimes lift him out of the crib after he has fallen asleep and rock him, stroking and humming. He wakes up, but is tired enough to just snuggle in. I feel better about him, and can be more loving and nurturing even during his temper and screaming. It has helped, and he now comes to me, and is actually sometimes clingy.