[baby17]

I want to search for my birth parents but the problem is my adoptive mother does not want me to. I have tried to explain to her that I am not trying to replace her but she is against it. I have always known she has felt this way I was just hoping now that I am 29 she would be securer enough in our relationship. I have always hoped my birthmother would look for me and this would have eased the situation but I don't think she is looking for me. I wanted to take my one shot with the intermediary to open my records and have them contact my birthparents but on the other hand I don't want to break my adoptive mother's heart. Any help on this?
Thank You
December 1974 Baby

[cathy102]

I am an adoptive mom to 2 kids and I would NEVER tell my kids not to go and look for their birthfamily. I find that very selfish on your moms part. I guess if I were you I would search anyway and if you find her, then that would be up to you to tell your parents.. They will just have to get over it. You are an Adult and it's only fair for you to find the anwers you are looking for..I hope it all works out for you..You will be in my prayers..

Hugs,

Cathy

[cathy102]

I also wanted to add that I had the pleasure in meeting with both of my kids birthparents, so when the time comes and they want to meet with them, they won't have to search. I really do hope you can find them. That has to be hard to want to know them and your parents aren't supporting you..

Take care,

Cathy

[vicrose]

Hi..I'm a 37 year old adoptee who found my birthmother last May..and my adoptive father was always against me searching for my birthfamily...when I told him that I had found her and she was not the person I expected her to be all the years..his answer was "I'm soooo sorry, this is not the hurt and pain that I wanted for you...I loved you so much that I wanted to protect you"....but you know what, I wouldn't change my searching efforts for a minute...because this is something I had to do for me...at least now, I know a few more things about my birthfamily than I did before I searched!! I hope you will find peace in your searching....maybe you shouldn't tell your adoptive mom when you begin searching if it's only going to cause a rift...Hugs, Brenda

[mn125]

I found this book title at Washington Adoption Reunion Movements website.

Dear Mom, I've Found My Birthmother by Susan Moses

the book is available through WARM.

Washington Adoption Reunion Movement
5950 Sixth Avenue South
Suite 107
Seattle, WA 98108

[baby17]

Thank you for your responses. I am still not sure what I am going to do at this point. It so nice to know that there are so many of you out there willing to help and be supportive.
Thank you!
12-17-74

[Jen29]

Hi baby17, my amom told me if I ever wanted to search for my bfamily all i had to do was ask her . well now that i'm 29yrs. old i have been searching an it's been a great experience for me.i had called a friend of my amom's to tell her some great news i had an she had the nerve to call my amom an ask her what in the world is she looking for those people for as if i had any right to in the first place.i don't talk to this lady very much i just wanted to share in what info i had found out.i'm sorry that your amom doesn't want you to search but that is what you want to do go for it! i'm right behind you in this ok.just keep me posted when you do start your search ok.this should be your dicision not your amom's.sorry to put it that way.Your friend

[eek40]

Please do not let you adoptive parents make this descion for you! You have every right to search. I would sit her down and explain that you are doing this regardless of her feelings and explain why. She has a right to her own feelings of rejection but you do not have to feel that along with her. Explain that you are doing it with or without her support and that you hope its with her support. Explain that you wont share any details with her if she wishes but that you are doing it. I am so glad I found my bmom it has completed me in a way I never thought possible.
Aimee

[Mil]

I am in the unique position of being both an adoptive mother AND a birthmother. My son found me using a CI. And it's a great thing for both of us. His mom didn't want him to search either and he found and met me before he told her. And she was hurt, but she accepted it. His parents and I have met and it was a little awkward at first, but we see them quite often now as we share grandchildren.

I'm also the mother of two adopted children. I would never dream of telling them not to search. That is their right and I would like to be supportive. I see how important it was to my son to find me and it's an experience like no other. Please don't let your mom's feeling stand in the way of your searching.

[GE_Glows]

Ok, before I offend any aparents out there, this is directed at ady mom's help. adults, not children.

My aparents didn't want me to search either, but they were very dishonest with me about that. My whole life the promised to help me look when I was "of age" Of course, my mom's description of "of age" went from 18 to 21 to out of college to married, you get the idea... I searched and found my bmom w/o mom's help - she flipped and so did my dad. To date - 15 years later - I cannot even discuss being adopted with them. It's heartbreaking, my children have to keep Gramma Diane a secret from Nanny & Poppa. I can't share the joy I fell at my receant reunion w/my bdad. I can't share with my dad - who is a pastor - how I have since learned how God's hand was in this by meeting the pastor who orchestrated my being placed w/my parents with the adoption agency 35 years ago.

Despite my sorrow at not being able to share these joys with my mom & dad, I would not change for a moment knowing my bmom and bdad. To search or not to search was MY decision to make, not theirs.

Ok - off my soapbox now.

Good Luck to you,

Toby

[St.Ives]

i agree with the other people who said don't let youre adoptive parents make this decison for you. its youre choice. this is one of those things youve got to decide for youreself. good luck!

[Cheryl62]

I agree with the other postings. You have to do what feels right for you. My amom also was very uncomfortable with the idea of me searching for my bmother the few times I mentioned it. I put it off, because I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't feel any overpowering need to know more, or meet my bmother, so it just didn't seem to be worth the pain and conflict.

One conversation we had really helped, though. Shortly after my 3rd daughter was born, my mom and I were talking about how amazing the bond is with your children, and how you instantly feel you would gladly kill or die for this little child. I said something about how awful it would be not knowing if your child was ok, happy, needing something, and how, as a mom, I couldn't even imagine how that must feel. I told her that sometimes I felt so grateful for the family that I had, that I owed it to my bmother to make contact, tell her I understand, that she did the right thing for me, and that I was well and happy. You could see the flash of relief (that it wasn't because I didn't love my amom enough) and resignation go across her face. Then she told me, quietly, about my bmother having picked out a name for me, and giving me a tiny cross when she left the hospital. I think that was her quiet and loving way of telling me she understood, and I should go for it if I thought I needed to. So, I am. But I think she's still a little worried, so I don't really talk to her about the search much. Someday, if I find my b-mom, of course we'll have to deal with all this again, though.

Of course you should try to ease your amom's worries and fears. But in the end, you have to do what's best for you, and hope she'll understand.

[Rowan]

Hi

I am am birthmother and I hope you do not mind my input.

I gave my son for adoption 21 years ago, I got to choose the parents out of a set of 3 and by their description I thought that they sounded the best people for my son who would bring him up in way that he would be comfortable about his adoption and have many opportunities in life to be happy, secure and successful in whichever direction he chose in his life.

I also hoped by that description that they would support any needs that he had in many things as well as a possible need to make contact with me.


I can understand the threat that some aparents feel. Some must be worried about their children being hurt or rejected or finding soemthing unpleasant. Others may have a deep seated feeling of threat that they were not the first parents of their children and they do not want to share.

The way I see it is that I had to give my son for adoption because the alternatives were not good for him. I did not want to but I did it despite my own feelings.

I have spent the last 21 years never knowing if he is alive and well or what became of him. I love him - I always will and I will always worry about him and wonder. I also wonder sometimes if he needs to know and perhaps is afraid to hurt his parents who may not be as open or comfortable about it as I assumed they would be - for all I know.

I know I cannot ever come in between what they have shared as a family for all these years and nor would I want to. My chance to share these years was sadly,gone long ago. I gave my son to his adoptive parents to have a better, good and happy life and I would never try to nor want to undo it. What would be the point of that?

Perhaps you could put it to your mother in a way that she understands? Like how would she feel if she did not know her biological parents and felt the need to find out everything and someone was being unsupportive about it? That nothing and no one could change the relationship or the years that you have, will have and have had. Perhaps even try to ask how she would feel if she had found herself in a postition where she had to give you away and never knew what became of you and someone was stopping you from making contact to let her know you were OK and asking some questions that you needed answers to?


I hope to at least to hear one day if my son is ok and happy and to hear about his life. I cannot guarantee that it will happen I can only hope. Most of all I hope that whatever my son needs to do in life that he has the support to do it from his family. My son will like and love many other people who touch his life as his world grows bigger as he gets older - I truly cannot see why making contact with someone who truly loves. cares and has only ever wanted the best for him and that he discoveres the things he needs to discover can be of any great harm to him or his family.

Have you thought of mediation counseling? Where someone can help you and your mother to come together on this subject?
I think when searching it is wise to have some counseling anyway so that you are prepared for all eventualities as much as possible.

I wish you luck with your quest, I hope that you can persuade your mother to see your needs as more important than her own worries and that you get the support you deserve. I hope that you find what you seek.

all the best to you

R

[AMom2Two]

I, too, have to strongly agree with the others that this is not your amom's decision. You have every right to search and if her insecurity scares her, then let it be her issue. You are a grown women now. You have to do what is best for you.

While you are thinking about your amom, how about thinking about your bmom? The woman that gave you life and then placed you with this family. It was okay for your amom to take you then, knowing you came from another women, but now she doesn't want you to have anything to do with the women who created you. That is very selfish. She had 29 years with you. By reading many of these posts here, your bmom could be out there waiting for you, not wanting to disrupt your life. Have you read the posts here from bmom's who live many years in pain wondering about their child, if they are alive or dead. While not all bfamilies embrace their children they placed, I have to feel in my heart that the majority do. The posts you read here are the one's who have issue's and problems. Don't let all of them desuade you.

I really feel your amom is being extremely selfish and self centered. Thank God your bmom wasn't that way, or you wouldn't have had the life you have. Maybe it's time you think about her and what you need. Let you amom handle her own feelings. It's not your place to protect her. By sheltering her and allowing her to tell you what to do, you are allowing the fantasy to continue for her. You have two mothers, wheather she likes it or not!

I hope I haven't offended you. I, personally, believe in open adoptions, because I feel everyone needs to know their roots.

Hugs to you at this difficult time!

[thesearchguru]

Some interesting thoughts to ponder from an adoptive mom:

Searching is about RELINQUISHMENT...it is NOT about adoption or the quality of the adoptive family parenting.

Share your search journey only with people that are supportive of your search.




Email:
California Website:


Other great websites to check out:
http://www.adoptionchat.com
http://www.adoptionlists.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org
http://registry.adoption.com/