[cara j]

"....I beleive that those that will latch on to the aparents feelings and use it ot minimize who they are as parents as being a little mean."


There are some adoptive parents who try to minimize who the birthparents are as well. One such example was a poster whose a/mom's reply to her daughter wanting to search was "Why would you want to find HER??"

This sort of meaness isn't nice but the reality is that it does goes both ways.

[cara j]

Originally posted by bromanchik
And my point is that the adopted person, who had no say in the decisions made for him/her, deserves to have their wishes and needs respected. Yes, there are situations where both adoptive parents and birthparents need time to work through their fears. This I can understand. But I do not believe that an adopted adult needs to cater to these fears indefinately. For an adoptive parent or birthparent to say "I need time" is fine. For them to say "I do not want you to search" is another thing all together.

This is exactly what I was trying to get across, only I think I got taken the wrong way. Sorry.

[shirleyville]

BOY ......I could certainly get on a soapbox regarding this topic!
For those of you who don't know me, I am an adoptee who was born and relinquished in 1964 -- the era of "secrets and lies" where adoption was concerned. Back then, the governmental "powers that be" that controlled the adoption process were quick to pontificate the benefits of adoptive parents taking their child home and raising them as their own. I am sure if they could , they might even have intimated that it was best if the child never even knew they had been adopted. It was the "way" of the times.....and it set the scene for years of secrecy and "uncomfortableness" in many, many adoptive families.
It happened in my own family. My parents are highly educated people with doctorate degrees.....my father holds a doctorate in psychology, and yet, over the years, neither was able to shake off the "advice" that speaking of adoption, or acknowledging anything other than the fact that I was "theirs" might cause me some undo psychological harm.
I can't ever recall, in almost 40 years, either of my parents using the word "birthmother" or ever mentioning the fact that I had a "birth family ". I was told I was adopted when I was about three or four, and by the time I was seven or so, the topic of adoption was taboo, altogether. It wasn't something to be discussed.....ever .
For as long as I can remember, I wondered about my birthmom....but I felt as tho, in some way, even thinking about it was wrong . From time to time, I would ask questions, but I was met with strong, uncomfortable body language and a tone of voice that made it quite clear that this wasn't something to be discussed. Eventually, I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. I remember being told time and again...."we know nothing about 'those people' -- and even if we did, it wouldn't matter."
In December of 2002, I made a discovery that would forever change my life. In the heat of a nasty arguement with my DH (unrelated to adoption in any way), he blurted out...."Your birthmother's name is Mary Ellen Reno." I was in the midst of a search for her, with a state appointed CI, and I thought, at first, that he was making this up as some kind of "attack tool" because we were arguing....but I quickly realized, as he burst into tears, that he was telling the truth.
I discovered that in August of that year, my father had come over to my home, while I was out, and he said to my husband that he wanted to give him my "real" mother's name. He explained that because he and Mom are in their advanced years, he wanted someone to have her name, in case I might need medical attention some years down the road. He made my husband SWEAR to NEVER give me the name, or mention this conversation....to use the name, in secrecy, if I were to fall ill, and then forget he ever knew it. If my husband didn't give his word, my father wouldn't share the name.
My poor husband was stuck.....he knew if he gave his word to my father, then he would never be able to share the name with me --- but if he didn't agree to my father's terms, then the name might go with my father to his grave, and no one would ever know it. Finally, he agreed, and my father turned over the name. My poor husband felt sick from the moment he heard the name.......he went in to his office, took a drawer out of the desk, turned it upside down, wrote her name on the bottom of it, and set about trying to forget that he ever knew it......but it didn't work.
From August to December, he carried my fathers sick little secret.....every day, it ate him up.....and every day, he became more and more angry with me , because every moment that I was in his presence, was a constant reminder that he was keeping something from me -- something of HUGE importance.
My husband carried this all that time....until he could carry it no more....and finally, he let it out. The burden of this "secret" was something that caused a terrible "rift" in our marriage, and physical sickness in him every day -- and he only carried it for four months. I can't FATHOM what carrying it for nearly FORTY YEARS has been like.
At first, I was totally FURIOUS with my father.....he brought his years of deception into MY home and he asked MY HUSBAND to deceive me. He said he wanted "someone" to have the name......well, that SOMEONE should have been ME !!!! It's the name of MY mother for goodness sake!!! The name BELONGS to ME!!
A year and a half later, I still feel that way, and I imagine I always will.......but I also realize that my parents have been acting upon advice that was ingrained in their very way of living, all my life. In his own way, my father was trying to do what he thought was right, and he was trying to protect me. He was concerned for my health down the road, and he wanted to make sure I was "cared for" if I ever needed medical attention.
My parents love me....and always have. I've come to understand that they were dealing with things the only way they knew how .
My best friend is an adoptive mom......and it's a "new day" where adoption is concerned. Four years ago, when she and her husband were struggling with infertility, and decided to adopt, they met with birthmoms -- several as a matter of fact. When they were chosen by a birthmom, they had a chance to spend time with her and her four year old daughter. They received ultra sound pictures.....they knew the birthmom's name and have all kinds of information to share with their daughter.
Sandy is not an "enigma"......some "secret force" to fear. She's a real person to them.....with a real life, and a real story. They adopted their baby in an era when openness and communication is the "norm".
My parents didn't have that. The SECRECY ....the lack of KNOWLEDGE is the root of their fears. Fear of the unknown is the very worst kind of fear. My parents spent a lifetime being AFRAID ....afraid of doing or saying the wrong things....things that might have some kind of adverse psychological effect on me. They were afraid of losing me.....afraid of so many things. I am sure they were afraid of their own infertility.....those things weren't "discussed" back then, either.
I have had to show a lot of compassion where my birthmother is concerned.....she isn't emotionally capable of accepting contact with me because my birth is something SHE has kept "secret" for nearly 40 years. She is "afraid" of the secret......just as my own parents are.
In short, and somewhere in all this rambling, my point is that if there is any "blame" to be placed in the adoption scenario of decades past, it should be placed on the SECRECY . Secrets, lack of communication , lack of knowledge and years of perceived need for deception are the forces at work here, in my opinion. It's hard for people to "re-learn" a new way of thinking.....to take on a "new attitude" that they have spent their child's lifetime resisting.
There is FEAR in the unknown for ALL members of the triad......and it's hard work for us to all come to some common ground --- but we owe it to one another to at least attempt to walk a mile in the other side's shoes. What might appear to be "selfishness" or "inconsiderate behavior" could very well be a lifetime of fear coming to the surface.
Right or wrong......perceived or real......fear is an awful feeling and as adults, we should at least take that into consideration and react as we would want others to react to US when we are afraid.
Just my two cents!
Hugs,
Sally

[thesearchguru]

As an adoptive mom who searched for and found my daughter's birthmother (at her request when she was 26) I can say that the only fear that I had was that my daughter's birthmother might not be ready or able to meet her. Like most fears ALL of us have...that fear was unrealized and unfounded. Her birthmother welcomed her into her life with open arms.

An article that I wrote many years ago as one adoptive parent to other adoptive parents can be found on this link:

http://library.adoption.com/Searchin...cle/692/1.html




Email:
California Website:


Other great websites to check out:
http://www.adoptionchat.com
http://www.adoptionlists.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org
http://registry.adoption.com/

[love4]

My girls will tell you that I always told them I would support them if they searched. I had fears but I kept them to myself because I realized if it was important to them to search then I would support them because I loved them. I am taking my youngest to find her birthparents in 2 years. This is love and support even though fear is present.
How wonderful to have so much confidence that there is no fear but for many the reality is that they do fear. Sometimes their worst fear happens. My daughter moved in with her birthparents and avoids me most of the time. This is what adoptive parents fear. It happens.
I can imagine many will think I must have been a bad mother. That hurts because I loved and nurtured and gave my girls the best. But you will think what you will. I know inside I did my best.
Just as I love and support the best I can my daughter's need to have a relationship with her birthmom and I embrace her birthmom's need to heal, I need some embracing too. It would ease my fears (which aren't there anymore because the worst happened). I want to feel that I just wasn't a babysitter.
Do my feelings count? Yes, I think they do. Yours count too.
My daughter is mostly gone out of my life now but my door is always open for her and her birthfamily. I want to embrace them all. I just don't know where they are. love4

Brenda,

Yes, I do agree that an adult adoptee should not...not...search...but I also beleive that an attempt to understand their parents view is just as important as aprents understanding our(adoptees view) and if in fact the aparents after attempts to talk do not work then the adoptee should search...but like I said before try to undertand, don't use it as a tool to hurt them, if they don't ever understand, it is a real shame, it may affect their relationship with their child.....just as a bmom that doesn't accept contact will always affect the relationship with the adoptee.

I have seen so many times on these forums that aparents are slammed for not getting it....yes, if they don't it is fustrating, but I also see bmoms getting understanding for thier lack of understanding of adoptee. It goes both ways.

Like Shirley said...living in fear is not easy and those of us that experiaced the closed adoptions are living the results of that. Whether its the fear of bmom being found or amom losing their child...it is all valid...understanding needs to be afforded all around!

Man...easier said then done sometimes....

[dl]

thesearchguru: Thank you for posting the link to your article/story. I think it would be a great article for an adoptee to share with their aparents. A much more positive approach than stating that the search and reunion has nothing to do with aparents, IMO.

dpen6 & shirleyville:
"My premise is that the aparents are deserving of the same understanding, patience and time."

"Right or wrong......perceived or real......fear is an awful feeling and as adults, we should at least take that into consideration and react as we would want others to react to US when we are afraid.

Very well said! Absolutely agree with you both!

love4: I have followed your story for over a year and just can't comprehend how an adoptee can behave in the manner that your daughter did ~ and how her biological family can condone that behavior. What a heartbreak! How wonderful that in spite of this painful experience you still plan to help your younger daughter search for her bioParents.

Adoptive parents are not all the same ~ just as adoptees and biological parents are not all the same. All three sides of the triad are deserving of consideration, patience and time.

[love4]

Thanks dpen6 and dl for your loving support. love4

[ADiak97415]

Hi Baby17..........It's not fair to you for not knowing anything about your biological heritage. I will tell you why.........I am searching for my grandaughter who also was born in December of 1974. Her mother (my daughter) has passed away and left 5 granchildren behind. The only thing I know about her is that she had dark brown hair and blue eyes. And that she was born in Buffalo, New York in a maternity hospital for unwed girls. There are many harmful diseases in my family that can pass down to future generations that may come along. I now have cancer. So does my brother and sister. My grandfather died of a rare blood disease. There is also high blood pressure and congestive heart failure. All these illnesses are genetic. This is why it is so important that adoptees should have some kind of medical info on their biological families. I have an intermediary who has helped in petitioning the court. I just have to have the papers notarized and I will send them to the court. I hope I find her soon as I am very ill. Sincerely...........Antoinette

[mrc4u2cnnv]

I am an adoptee born in 1974. My parents are supportive of my decision to persue my birthmother, having provided information relative to the search. In December 2005, a friend placed her child in an open adoption. Supporting her led to understand that my birth mother deserves to be thanked for giving me life. I also want to assure her that I have had a wonderful life. Your parents may be very concerned about the outcome of your search in that your birthmother may not take well to the thought of a reunion. My parents expressed concern that I may not get what I hoped for. It may be just be their own personal feelings surfacing. I volunteer at an adoption agency in the Buffalo area. I have several adopted friends in your situation or have been through it. Please let me know if I can help.

[ADiak97415]

Hi Christian...........I sent you an email. Did you receive it? You said you live in the Buffalo, NY area? Well I am searching for my grandaughter who was born there. Please respond

[Amy2U]

Medically, it is YOUR RIGHT to know about your biological background

Emotionally, it is YOUR RIGHT to know about your biological background.

This is about YOU, and your HERITAGE, your DNA, your BIOLOGICAL MAKEUP, and the whole creation of YOU!

Instead of making waves, just search on your own, and not bring the subject up to your adopted parents. They have their personal reasons for you not to find your biological relations, but this is about YOU, not them.

Just let this be something personal for YOU, and if your adopted parents ever again bring up the subject then answer them honestly, without offense.

This is for you, sweetie, for YOU.

[shadeinfla]

Short and simple ,, You are adult, you know what is best for you so TRUST YOURSELF, don't let anyone tell you what is right for YOU! Good luck!

Shade