[Laurence]

Originally posted by baby17
I want to search for my birth parents but the problem is my adoptive mother does not want me to. I have tried to explain to her that I am not trying to replace her but she is against it. I have always known she has felt this way I was just hoping now that I am 29 she would be securer enough in our relationship. I have always hoped my birthmother would look for me and this would have eased the situation but I don't think she is looking for me. I wanted to take my one shot with the intermediary to open my records and have them contact my birthparents but on the other hand I don't want to break my adoptive mother's heart. Any help on this?
Thank You
December 1974 Baby

What is your birthday and where were you born ?

[love4]

adoptive moms who struggle with reunions are not mean or selfish people. It is easy to say they are mean and selfish but you have not felt what they feel. It's easy when their kids are young to have such confidence that a reunion is something you will help your children with. There are not any adoptive moms here in reunion to tell you what it is like. Would their feelings be acknowleged and understood if they spoke of them here on the forum? Looking underneath what seems to be selfishness you may find fear. You may find such a deep love for their child and many insecurities. They just may not know how to express those fears and insecurities. They are not mean and selfish. love4

[lovesangel1984]

It is your choice to look. Although it is always hard for the family that took you in to understand true meaning in the heart, it is easy for you to say"ok, this is my chance" I searched for only a few months and found my ENTIRE family, but that doesnt mean that it is always that easy. If you really feel the need to find these people, go for it, there are so many people out there willing to help you where ever they can. Don't let your family tell you no. it is just a security issue that over time they will cope with. life is hard, so make it what its worth and do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF!

[OnceWasDavid]

Absolutely! All A-moms cannot be painted with the same brush. I would also truly hope that their thoughts and comments are accepted and acknowledged....after all, isn't that why we are hear. Isn't that exactly what we need right at this moment.

The fact that fear plays into the reunion process is a reality. Every single person in my adopted family has felt it since my reunion, in varying degrees. They wouldn't be my family if something like this didn't get them on guard. Just imagine that (potential) threat for just a moment, that their bother/sister/son/daughter might not want to be in this family anymore (for example), or that this other family might do something to hurt me, and I think we would all agree that some claws and fangs and emotions come out.

And what did my bmom fear when we first met? About a billion-kazillion things. Would I hate her. Would I 'abandon' her.

Fear is core to what we are all taking about. From beginning to end. The way that we play our cards when fear is behind everything, is not a simple matter. I believe the amom has a right to feel defensive. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The fact that my amom didn't freak out was more astonishing to me, than if she had. I think I expected to be held back. I expected someone to slow me down, or to put their feelings in front of my needs. And I would have done everything, taking years if need be, to ensure my family that they would always be. But at the end of the day...I would have found my truth, or at least pursued it. Because as I returned from that first trip to meet the woman that gave me life, I would hold my moments of thought and reflection until I was assured that my family was ok. Truly, what more could I do.

Somehow I must have taught my aparents right, because they seemed more sure about my search than I. But maybe more-so, I just said it in a way that raised hairs on the back of their necks. I explained wanting to give a parent the piece of mind they deserved. Of simply knowing that their child was doing ok. That strikes a very significant cord with any parent.

[dl]

adoptive moms who struggle with reunions are not mean or selfish people. It is easy to say they are mean and selfish but you have not felt what they feel. It's easy when their kids are young to have such confidence that a reunion is something you will help your children with. There are not any adoptive moms here in reunion to tell you what it is like. Would their feelings be acknowleged and understood if they spoke of them here on the forum? Looking underneath what seems to be selfishness you may find fear. You may find such a deep love for their child and many insecurities. They just may not know how to express those fears and insecurities. They are not mean and selfish. love4

I absolutely agree with you! I don't think the feelings of aparents are based on mean and selfish. I believe it is more a feeling and fear of potential heartbreak.

IMO, most parents strive to be the best parents they can be. But in spite of the best intentions, there is a natural feeling that one could have done more, done better, done different. If an adoptee does not offer reassurance that their aparents will always be their parents ~ that searching is not about finding replacements, those feelings would be brought to the surface ~ and IMO, natually so.

To have a lifetime of love and parenting potentially dismissed would make most question their value. Consider a spouse ~ that is left for another. Many question their own self worth as a husband/wife when they see themselves dismissed and replaced.

[love4]

to say if your adopted family has a problem with reunion, "do it any way, they'll get over it" hurts me to the core of my being. That to me sounds selfish. I am aware of the void in an adopted persons life. I understand how they need "to know." That is o.k. Reunions help heal those who hurt. Even though adoptive parents struggle with insecurities they are strong enough to work through them. Just validate their feelings. Understand that each member of the triad has emotions to work through. Sensitivity is important for each member to have. Adoptive parents are not the only ones who need to be sensitive. Words of love need to be backed up with actions. love4

Dl And love 4,

I so agree with both of your posts. So many times in a reunion situation the mantra is show respect, understanding and patience. Until it comes to aparents fears in a reunion. There is not many that faced with rejection take to it very well. Aparents ARE FACING REJECTION from the children that they have investing tons of energy and love.

I am not saying an adoptee should not search if aparents don't agree, what I am saying is that to call them mean and selfish is not fair. To say that "aparents insecurity" is terrible, or not important is pretty self centered ....
Iam saying attempt to show how much you do understand their fears....how the fact that they are mom and dad will never change...it may take time but thats waht reunion is all about. Giving each one of us involved the respect, time and patience
that the rest of us want.....

If in fact the aparents will not understand no matter what...then the adoptee should be understanding enough not to through it in their face....if one is adult enough to search and take whatyever repercussions their may be in a reunion..then you will be able to have the materurity to do waht you need to do, using the least amount of hurtfulness possible.

In a perfect world all parties would rise above and do whatever is best for all involved...but we are not perfect....

[love4]

THANK YOU DPEN6 FOR HAVING THE HEART OF UNDERSTANDING. For acknowledging and validating us. Each of us reaching out to each other with love and compassion. DL Thank you also for caring enough to post. You too have the heart of understanding. love4

[Sweet Nothings]

Hi,

I've posted this else where but thought it fits your situation....

At the age of 21, right after the birth of my 1st child, (44 now, with 5 children) I decided to search. My A-mom was very supportive but my A-father was hurt. He said "I just don't understand why you are doing this."

My A-father's own mother had died when he was only 7, he was raised by his step-mother. Over the years, he had often spoke of how few memories he had of her. So I asked him........"Dad, wouldn't you give anything to see your Mom, talk with her, be with her, even just one more time?" He said "Of course." I then asked him, "Does wanting to see your Mom have anything to do with how you feel about your step-mom?" He said "No". After that conversation, he understood.

I agree that it is your choice. However, how you go about it, in regard to your A-parents feelings, is important.

Perhaps if you wrote a letter from the heart to your A-parents, not asking, but gently stating your intent to search, your reasons why, and expressing your love for your A-parents, would help them understand and calm their fears.

Tell them that since THEY are your parents, you could use their love and support at this time, but if it is too much for them, you understand.

Very best of luck to you.

[cara j]

A/parents having FEARS about a search for b/parents is normal. When those fears extend to the point of "I don't want you to do it", THAT'S whats SELFISH and MEAN-SPIRITED because they are saying they can't share you.

You will have so many of your own emotions to deal with in your search and reunion, it would be so unfair on yourself and the whole experience for you and your b/parent(s) to also have to be looking after others with high needs.

Sometimes reassurance is all the a/parents want and need. For others it is not enough ..... and it's not the time for you to be acting therapist.

The searchguru is right, don't involve people in your search who are unsupportive of the search and reunion.

Look after yourself at this time, nothing should spoil it for you, it is a very special time!

[dl]

The attitude that you convey as a biological Mother comes across to me, an adoptee, as extremely SELFISH and MEAN-SPIRITED .

IMO, when a biological Parent/Mother relinquishes a child it is not because she is unable to "share" the child, it is because she is unable to parent the child. Fortunately for the child's sake there were/are aparents that were/are able to parent the child. For anyone to dismiss the value of the parents that parented that child is SELFISH and MEAN-SPIRITED in this adoptees opinion.

On this forum there are many threads that focus on the biological parent's pain and the adoptee's wound. The pain of the adoptive parent ~ at the period that led them to create their family by adoption or during the time of reunion is most times dismissed. As an adoptee, I find this very insulting.

My aParents NEVER focused on their pain or their loss, while after reading posts on this forum, I'm sure both existed. All they focused on is their joy in being my parents. They never diminished the fact that I had biological parents. In return, I would never diminish the fact that they were my parents in every sense of the word.

In communication with my biological Father this past year I am very appreciative that he acknowledged in his first letter to me that while he was convinced after seeing my pictures that he was my "biological Father" but he understood that he "had no right to that title of Father. The man that raised you and supported you all those years has the right to that title." How wonderful for me that he did not have any SELFISH and MEAN-SPIRITED intentions. It made our reunion so much easier and realistic for both of us.

As an adoptee, I find your comment "it would be so unfair on yourself and the whole experience for you and your b/parent(s) to also have to be looking after others with high needs" extemely one sided. The only one, IMO as an adoptee, that had "high needs" was the infant I once was, that needed parents and a loving home. That which my biological parents were unable/unwilling to provide.

[bromanchik]

I am a birthmother that has been in an open adoption since my son was a baby. He is now almost 20. From the very beginning his parents and I have worked on our relationship because we know that how we feel about each other will effect our son. We love and respect each other. To say my son has benefited from this is an understatement. He has grown up secure and not feeling torn over who he is allowed to love. So much of my actions have been guided by the adopted adults I know, some who have tearfully told me how much it hurts not being able to joyfully share all the people they love. This is the bottem line. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to reach out for the sake of their children, even if those "children" are adults.Doing what is best for our kids does not end when they become adults. The "tasks" hopefully change, we are no longer feeding them, or helping them dress, but we do need to be "there" for them and support their decisions.

A little story. My daughter I am parenting was about ten. She had been fully grieving the loss of her brother and was trying to figure out his place in her life. At one point she asked me if we could "adopt Matt back when he turned 18." I explained to her that even if it was possible, I would not want to do it. That Matt has parents and that we are already family. She wanted Matt to herself. I explained that trying to take Matt out of his adoptive family would be like Matt's Mom and Dad trying to pretend we did not exist.

The reality is that we are both a part of Matt, in very different ways, but each needs to be fully respected and accepted. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to start respecting each other if the children/adults involved are going to feel fully accepted and loved.

OK I'm off my soap box.

Brenda,

All of what you said is very true, The issue we are talking about is understanding and patience. As an adoptee. the fact that both parents are understanding and trully suport the adoptee, as most people know here, is very important to me.

What we are talking about is affording aparents the same understanding that bmoms want in asituation where one side is fearful of what happens in a reunion. We have all heard stories of bmoms not wanting contact. Often it is because of fear and the fact bmom has not dealt with loss. That is all very understandable, although can be hurtful to the adoptee. We are told to have patience, understand where she is coming from, give her time ect. My premise is that the aparents are deserving of the same understanding, patience and time. Well, one may say, they had my child,...they were able to see my child grow.....thats right....and the love they feel is no different then any parent. They will feel fear and uncertianty. The doubts about parenting will come shining thu....all the doubts that they were able to stifle about reasons for adopting will come up and bite them....does that mean they are bad....no, just human. No, it does not mean they are mean or selfish....I beleive that those that will latch on to the aparents feelings and use it ot minimize who they are as parents as being a little mean.

It goes back to the competition between aparents and bparents.....

An open adoptation of today can not be compared to a reunion situation in a closed. Two different kettles of fish.....

[cara j]

dl,

The focus IMO in search and reunion is on the adoptee and the birthparent(s). This does not dismiss the role of the adoptive parents in any way or mean they are not a part of it, and I don't believe I have diminished their value here. I have tremendous respect for the role and feelings of adoptive parents. (You have assumed I don't which is incorrect). I'm sorry when I hear of the problems in this process. When they can't be supportive of their child, that can't be a good thing for the child (adoptee).

If an adoptee, like the original poster isn't getting support from hers, she may just decide to go ahead without it. Is it fair that anyone try and stop her or make her feel bad/guilty about it?
I hope that her mom will, in time, warm to the idea and realise that she is not losing her daughter, and embrace a good spirit and the wholeness of her child.

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by dpen6
Brenda,

What we are talking about is affording aparents the same understanding that bmoms want in asituation where one side is fearful of what happens in a reunion. We have all heard stories of bmoms not wanting contact. Often it is because of fear and the fact bmom has not dealt with loss. That is all very understandable, although can be hurtful to the adoptee. We are told to have patience, understand where she is coming from, give her time ect. My premise is that the aparents are deserving of the same understanding, patience and time.

And my point is that the adopted person, who had no say in the decisions made for him/her, deserves to have their wishes and needs respected. Yes, there are situations where both adoptive parents and birthparents need time to work through their fears. This I can understand. But I do not believe that an adopted adult needs to cater to these fears indefinately. For an adoptive parent or birthparent to say "I need time" is fine. For them to say "I do not want you to search" is another thing all together.