[Sabra]

Hi Everyone:

There are lots of adoption related books. Please tell us if you have read any.

Please tell the following:

1. The title and author.
2. Why you did or did not like the book?
3. What you did or did not like about the book?
4. Did the book help you in some way?
5. Would you recommend the book to others for their reading?

Thanks everyone. Please post as much as you can. Books are valuable resources and can help us understand people and situations in life.

Please feel free to politely tell us about books you are reading or would like to read.

If you think that there should be more books available about a particular aspect of adoption please feel free to share what types of books you would like.

Thanks. We all learn from each other and your input is valued.

[dl]

I recently read "The Same Smile" by Susan Souza. It is beautifully written. As I am close in age to Susan I could so relate to the attitudes that existed at the time - late 60's. The shame that girls felt at not just finding themselves pregant, but having to admit that they had sex. While many young people have no problem admitting and discussing sex today, things were very different "back then".

While Susan expressed her grief and pain over not only surrendering Joanne, but also her grief when her second daughter Jackie dies, it was never done in a bitter or self-pitying way. She was very open, honest and full of love.

The interaction between Susan and Joanne was fascinating. It was so interesting to see the comments by Susan and Joanne and the different, yet similar emotions they were both experiencing as reactions to the reunion taking place.
Joanne was also honest in expressing her hesitancy and uncertainty when first contacted. The close feelings and love that Joanne has for her adoptive family is very evident and I could so relate. Susan also wrote warmly and appreciatively about Joanne's adoptive parents. I could feel Joanne's excitement when she met Susan for the first time and met her sisters. Of course, Susan's excitement on reunion day - well you just have to read it!! Just wait till you read what a sweet thing Susan's husband Jay did for "all the girls" on reunion day. The pictures are beautiful - and yes, you will see "The Same Smile" in every face.

I personally feel that all three positions in the triad could relate and gain insight to their own feelings as well as the feelings of others in the triad by reading this book.

As an adoptee, it gave me insight into the feelings that many bmothers experienced. While my personal story is very different than this situation and I couldn't relate it to my bmother, I could to some that I've seen post on the forum. I could relate quite a bit to Joanne's words during reunion. Excited but hesitant, curious but nervous, not wanting to hurt Susan but very protective of her adoptive mother and family. I'm sure many adoptees could relate.

As an adoptive parent, I feel it would give the same understanding of bmothers both at their time of relinquishment and later at the time of reunion. Reading Susan's and Joanne's words may perhaps help aparents understand that reunion is not about replacing aparents.

For bmothers that read this book, perhaps they will find some healing of their own as they share Susan's. I also think it will help them to understand the emotions their child may feel during reunion.

This book so clearly demonstrates the understanding, patience, respect and love that needs to be given by all three in the triad for a reunion to be "successful".

Here's the link to the website so you can learn more and order a copy for yourself. www.thesamesmile.com

[Dragonfly82]

I've also read 'The Same Smile' by Susan SouzaThe following was written by Carol Schaefer, Author, The Other Mother and Mary, Queen of Scots: "To lose a child is devastating, but to lose two and survive with a heart and spirit stronger requires the sort of courage that truly uplifts and inspires. Susan Mello Souza's 'The Same Smile' reveals the depth of love, faith and persistence it takes to create a 'happy-ever-after' ending to an adoption reunion. It's the perfect book to read anytime, but especially at the moment in your journey when all feels hopeless."
I, as a birth mother, could relate to so much of what she wrote. This book will touch your heart no matter what part of the triad you're from. It definitely made me cry, but also brought laughter too. I highly recommend this book . . . it's written by one remarkable lady.

I like Amazon.com's 'Listorama' which gives lists by people of their favorite books. The following link is a list of favorite books by one male adoptee. I've read many of these books and highly recommend them also.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...640018-0143853

Not included on his list are:

'Whose Child?' by Kasey Hamner ~ this is one that I couldn't put down. The following is written by Sanford R. Wimer, M.D., M.P.H., Psychiatrist: "Whose Child? is an important story, both delicate and powerful. This autobiography has a richnes of detail and emotional poignancy that intrigues the reader. It will inspire people who have undergone their own traumas to overcome their pain and partake of life as it is, rather than as it was"

'Adoptees Come of Age' by Ronald J. Nydam ~ The following was written by Rene' Hoksbergen, Professor and Chair for the Study of Adoption, University of Utrecht, the Netherlands: "A book about adoption should try to touch the heart of the matter: the experience and feelings of adoptees. Ron Nydam has done just that. For adult adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and professionals alike, Ron's book is engaging and worthwhile reading."

God Bless

[CaptFan]

I recently picked up The Waiting Child by Cindy Champnella to read on a ten minute break, but I couldn't put it down. I was completely attached to the characters and interested in the story from the first page. I had to find out how the touching story ended. I would recommend this book to anyone, not just for those involved in adoption. The story is engaging and the writing flows very well. The story is of a young Chinese girl adopted from an orphanage to an American family. From the moment she arrives in America she talks of nothing but a little boy she took care of at the orphanage in China and how much "he needs a mommy." The novel takes the reader through the emotional journey to reunite the young girl with her very special friend.

[CyndiLJ]

I justfinished reading a book by Kevin Quirk titled "Hello, Aibek! A Journey of International Adoption" which tells the story of his adoption trip to Aktobe this past December to adopt his son Aibek. He, along with his wife Krista, had a trip that resonates with our family even though we didn't use the same agency or have many of the same experiences. Having walked the halls of the same orphanage as we visited with Matthew prior to bringing him home, it was a little bit like going back 3 years ago to that magical moment when I became a mommy for the first time. Perhaps it meant even more to read this right now because we are waiting to travel to bring Joshua home from Uralsk and looking forward to another adventure.

I found it very interesting to read an adoption story from a male perspective. Most articles and books are written by women and tend to lean more to the emotional side. While Kevin is far better than the average male at expressing his emotions in writing, it is also apparent that this is a story related by a male where the mechanics of the adoption journey are given more attention than you would usually find discussed by an adoptive mother. I found this a refreshing change from the usual type of thing that even I myself would write. It gave me a bit of an insight into how my own husband might have felt during that topsy turvy 17 days we traveled, but found himself unable to articulate. I think that men, more so than women, tend to find the lack of control in international adoptions far more frustrating than women do, and they struggle more with letting a stranger steer them through the process, expecially when cultural differences in approach lead to misunderstandings. The frustration and aggrivation that all of us felt at one time or another during our individual journeys is eloquently mirrored in Kevin's writing, making it almost palpable. While reading I found myself often saying "Yea... I remember NEVER EVER having felt as tired as I did during our trip".

Kevin and Krista had a trip filled with ups and downs, just as we all have had. For me, it reiterated the need to let go and just turn ourselves on auto-pilot during our next trip, just as we did during our last one. It can be so difficult when you are 1000's of miles away from home and from all that is familiar to relax and be flexible. Being stranded at an airport in a country where you don't speak the language and can't negotiate even the simplest task, such as getting to your hotel, can be frightening and off-putting, especially when one considers the sums of money that are spent in adopting our children. While we never really felt overly concerned over such situations ourselves, I can certainly see how others might be pushed to the breaking point by something like that when you are exhausted and frustrated. We just always assumed that one way or another, there was no way in the world we weren't going to eventually get home so there was no reason to sweat the small stuff...which is an approach I highly recommend for all who travel to adopt.

The differences between the cultures and what we would consider to be the "norm" were highlighted with humor by Kevin. Such things as being an American eating in an Armenian restaurant in Kazakhstan with a bear in a cage for entertainment can't help but make you laugh out loud at the absurdity of what we all encounter. You just couldn't make this stuff up!!! :-)

From take off to landing, Aibek's adoption is discussed in detail including what it is like to see your child for the first time, how intimidating it can be to involve yourself in court proceedings where you don't even understand the native language, and the internal conflict that arises in all of us as we try our hardest to embrace the unfamiliar and yet yearn to return home to the familiar. If one reads between the lines it also makes one pause, as you begin to get a feel how our children must feel when coming "home", which is actually the foreign place for them where nothing smells the same, sounds the same, or tastes the same. The only difference is, for them it is forever, for us it is a mere few weeks.

We all seem to have different expectations of our agencies. As I will readily admit, my husband and I needed very little "hand holding" during our first adoption and we haven't required a lot of it this time around (Tree of Life might disagree with that! <grin> Who knows?). All we wanted was to be kept informed of the basic steps, and maybe we went into it with lower expectations for "customer service" when overseas. Even though neither of us had ever traveled out of the country before, we simply assumed that things move at a different pace in almost every other country, and our typical American way of doing things wasn't going to work in Kazakhstan. It's just different, plainly put. Kazakhstan ain't Nordstroms!!!!! But I know that Kevin and a large number of families are often quite disturbed and disappointed over the level of service they receive from the overseas coordinators. Then there are others who are thrilled with the care they have had taken with them while traveling. Does this vary from agency to agency? You bet it does! Often I am asked for agency recommendations and one thing I always reiterate over and over is to be more concerned about the coordinators in Kazakhstan than the agency representatives here. In the US, it is an easy task to resolve disputes if you are unhappy. It is quite another thing to deal with something overseas where you are powerless to handle it or move within the system. Some people select an agency because "The lady who answered the phone was so nice and I felt I had a lot in common with her." Whoa!! Overall, how will that impact your experience? But as Kevin makes the point in his book, even the most well researched adoption will have it's bumps. Eventually he comes to the same conclusion that many families do....your agency still got you back home in one piece with a child in your arms, so ultimately it can still be counted a success.

For those of you who are thinking about adopting from Kazakhstan or are already in the process, reading this book is the next best thing to talking to a family in depth about what it is like to adopt specifically from Kazakhstan and what the orphanages are like. It also will help you prepare mentally for the challenge, because believe me...it is exactly that! You are NOT going on vacation and just happening to bring home a baby. It is grueling, tiring, exciting, and joyous all at the same time. "Hello, Aibek" is not for the faint of heart....just as his wife Krista repeats like a mantra throughout their trip. However, it is a realistic and honest portrayal. At the beginning of the book Kevin's introduction also explains that he realizes that his experience is exactly that...HIS experience, and that other families have had far different adoption journeys. But I feel that he captured the essence of what it all feels like.

Warmly,
Cindy La Joy

[Sabra]

Hi Cindy:

Thanks for sharing about the book entitled "Hello, Aibek." It sounds like a great book to learn about a parent's experience in international adoption. It is great to think that an adoptive parent can tell about their experience with enough detail to fill a book! That is great.

Do you know where this book can be purchased?

Is it a fairly new book?

Thanks.

[StarryNight™]

This book is by Jean Lifton. I can tell you with her being a PHd. I was not impressed with the psychology text book style of reading. I had heard this book was a good read, but honestly I found it boring and hard to follow. Normally I do not mind text book styles, but this one I was hoping would be more personal.

What I need to find is a book about being adopted but not finding out till I was an adult. Any suggestions??

[Sabra]

Hi StarryNight™

Thanks for your input regarding that book.

Here is a link to article on Late Discovery Adoptees.
http://library.adoption.com/Adult-Ad...le/2811/1.html

Does anyone know of a book that covers Late Discovery Adoptees?

If we do not hear from anyone I can consult an expert that I know.

Thanks again StarryNight!

Warm regards,

[StarryNight™]

You are very welcome. I hope we can found out something too. It seems so many have known since they were little/always known. It irks me to no end that I did not learn until my middle 30's. But I am not as bad off as some in our forums. Thanks for your help. I will look at that article in a few.

[twofor]

We purchased

Adoption is a family affair by Patricia Irwin Johnston
from Amazon.com

I gave a copy to my parents and my in-laws. After being married for 12 years and no babies, the grandparents needed this book. They were to be grandparents, but not how they had thought. We were very concerned about how they would react, given their "help" with our infertility issues.
This book covers it all. Nicely, and more tactfully than I could. There are chapters on why the parents may not want to discuss all the details of an abused child's history or their special needs with family members. It talks about how grandparents need to reflect on what's important. A baby born to the family, or being a grandparent to a child who needs their love.

I highly reccomend this book. My husband and I read it and found it to be familiar to what we were already experiencing. We found that its true use, was to bridge the gap for extended family who didn't have 1st hand experience with adoption.
It even addressed the myth well now that you have adopted you'll be pregnant in 6 months...
Well worth the expense!

[DebAckermann]

I am hoping any of you can help me. I watched a few years ago the 20/20 on adoption and they interviewed Dr. Tim Johnson from abc and he had written a book on raising his adopted son. It sounded like an amazing book and for the life of me I cannot seem to find any information on it. I have searched the web---looked at Barnes and Noble. Unfortunatly I do not know the title. Has anyone heard of it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.


Deb
Mom of Kaelee and now Zach

[silverqueenbee]

As a self-avowed bibliophile, some of my recent reads have been:

"Being adopted-The Lifelong Search for Self" by David M. Brodzinsky, PhD., et al.

Great book that is easy to read and digest; Interesting to read the authors' views on how adoption affects the adoptee throughout the lifespan, not just in childhood or adolescence. Fans of Erik Erikson's psycho-social stages will appreciate this book. Dirck Brown, Ed. D., co-author of Clinical Practice in Adoption and Vice President of the American Adoption Congress writes: "Being Adopted provides a unique understanding of how adoption is truly a life experience. This book is must reading for all members of the adoption triad and the general public, lay and professional".

"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier Newton

I did not agree with all of the author's assertations but nevertheless an interesting and thought-provoking book.

[colin]

Adoption Healing ... a path to recovery by Joe Soll

I found this book to be a very validating one for the disgruntled adoptee looking for more perspectives of why the adoption experience seems so tough.

I have much more to feel down about that i did before i had picked up the book. It is a very tough read which opens up alot of years of ones life, up to and including birth.

I am only half way through yet have not found anything to deal with the Birth father issues. It mainly has wrapped around the Birthmothers and the babies separation pains.

I recommend this to Aparents to get an idea of the mental challenges an adoptee faces which would remain invisible otherwise.

Colin

[dangerlucy]

I also just finished reading "The Waiting Child" by Cindy Champanella. I don't think I have ever cried so hard at a book. It was heart-wrenching and uplifting at the same time. I read it in two nights and stayed up past 1:00am both nights just to get through it. I couldn't put it down. Since my DH and I are adopting from China, it made me want to get my little girl even quicker. The things some children must endure in orphanages is heart-breaking. It is so wonderful that that child was able to provide and know how to love when she herself had felt very little of it in her young age.

I would recommend it definitely to anyone adopting from China and anyone who just wants to read a wonderful true story about the power of love in children. It really can work miracles.

[StarryNight™]

Just finished a wonderfully couldn't put it down book called They Cage the Animals at Night. It's about a boy who is in and out of orphanages and foster care, the abuse and neglect and his strong will. Though I cannot relate either way, I still loved this book.