[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by janny quoting verrier

To make things more difficult, the emotion of the traumatic even often gets disconnected from the memory (if there is a memory). For most adoptees, the trauma takes place during the period of childhood amnesia or implicit memory. This means that the events of their lives are having a profound effect on their perceptions and on neurological connections in the brain, but there will be no recall of the events.

Many adoptees as well as birth mothers will react to a reminder of the traumatic event as if it were the event happening in the present. For adoptees, who experienced their trauma before conscious memory, these are feelings and emotions which they can't seem to connect to any event. These are ... memories..which influence one's sense of Self and others, ones' emotional responses and behaviour... without there being any hint about the cause of these manifestations. Feelings of anger, hostility, panic and sadness can come, seemingly out of nowhere.

Dissociation often occurs, accompanied by distortions in perceptions. These disorted perceptions become disorganised and imprinted as beliefs about oneself. The 'defective baby' belief is one of these. Because babies instinctively know that mothers don't give up their babies, most adoptees seem to blame themselves for their own relinquishment. ... (If I had been a better baby, I would not have lost my mother).

There's is the illusion of control and the preservation of the idea of the birth parent as good, yet there is an altered perception of self and others. This is manifest in a sense of being unworthy, flawed, undeserving. Equally distorted are the adoptee's perceptions about others who matter in their life. The adoptive mother seems to bear the most distortion, probably because she was the first person with whom the adoptee interacted and because she was not the mother to whom the baby was connected

This explains to me the 'domino' effect when someone upsets me. Often my reaction is well over the top and someone astutely observed that my response to a perceived slight from someone today, would trip me back to the memory that it brought back from years past. How true.

Once I understood what was going on, I was able to explode less to friends/ruin relationships on a regular basis once I grasped this truth. Hurt would be like a double edged sword for me. What most would be able to shrug off as no big deal, would make me react vehemently and want to dump that person toute de suite, as if they had violated my person. Exit door this way... -->

With recall of past events, my son has some vague 'feeling' of weighlessness that takes him back to his being a baby. He has told me that he remembers my holding him and the sound of my voice. This had a profound effect on me when he told me this, and it also confirmed what Verrier was talking about as above.

He feels he has been wearing an invisible 'rucksack' that has weighed down heavily on him over the years. Despite my being back in his life, he is still afraid I will leave him. Neurologically, I guess its imprinted in his brain, I left him and I could well do it again. I have to come to terms with the fact this damage to his self esteem, confidence and ability with relationships could take some years to repair, if ever.

The sort of 'floating' relationship we seem to currently have (after 22 months) is either the doldrums or plateau phase, making me feel as if we are going nowhere. Is it testimony to the fact he has no reference point to take him back to the baby that was petrified, knowing that I'd left and hadn't come back. No memory, just a 'feeling' of how it felt back then?

This freaks me out, and also leaves me helpless. I cannot help my son face his own pain, the pain of my relinquishing him, abandoning him. As painful as it is for any birth mother to realise that she 'abandoned' her child, to her child that is exactly how it feels and it bodes well to the relationship I have found if you admit it and allow them an apology - that such a decision caused such terrible pain, no matter how solid the reasons.

If someone has hurt me one way or another, I'm more interested in a sorry than a deep explanation of why, how it happened. I already know that, but a sorry coupled with a 'it will never happen again' and it then it doesn't, in my books, is bound to bode more favourably for a good relationship than what could come across as their being more interested in putting their case across than recognising my pain. I get that. I get what my son has been trying to tell me. I get what Verrier is about. For me, what she is saying 'fits'.

No reasons need to be given over and over, just maybe the once and later, an acknowledgement of the pain that adoption has brought my son was all that he needed I feel, looking back, to trigger off the start of his healing. He was already defending my decision to give him up more rigorously than I was, but I had to say 'no' its not enough, I never realised how much pain this was going to cause you son, never knew, so from my heart, I am truly sorry. Deeply sorry. That was it. I was not going to grovel and he wouldn't have liked it any way. Just the once or twice, then leave it. I left it. That sorrow and recognition of his pain hangs around to haunt me from time to time because we are not going forwards. I have to be careful not to let it overtake me, there is only so long you can linger in the past, before I feel it gets unhealthy.

For my son to heal. How long that will take? I have no idea. At least with understanding the above, I can understand why a 'normal' relationship is not likely to kick into place for some time. My son is the type that does not hide how he feels. I am only glad that in his case, his pain is easy to see and i was left in no doubt that I had to research and find out more, as I was clueless. FauxGina put me in touch with this book. Wow, what a change in understanding that brought to my reunion.

I often wonder how we would fare if he was an adoptee that 'hid' his pain and would not venture forth any opinion or expression of what he has been through. I don't feel I would have been able to recognise or acknowledge him without the overtness of his expressions of anger, pain and agony. The actual attempt to get a relationship of sorts with me has proved overwhelming for him, even now, nearly 2 years on.

The 'tripping' backwards to a memory that can't be raised or fathomed, seems to be occuring in myself, a birthmom. Several times this week I have been out 'enjoying' myself or should have been, have been in beautiful countryside or shopping with a friend I've been close to for 24 years and yet a sadness comes from out of nowhere that hangs around me like a mist. My emotions deep within try to match the emotions to a memory as to what is causing this and yet I struggle, really struggle, because no memory comes to me that I can align with my emotions of sadness and loss.

Sometimes when I see babies, when I hear a newborn cry - it used to pierce me, but no more. I can't understand why I could relate such memories to such feelings and yet now, they seem to have evaporated, leaving me perplexed, saddened in a way I can't describe. Someone took a photo of me in the countryside and yet my face is incredibly sad, my eyes vacant as if they have journeyed somewhere else. Whoever I was 'with' I just wasn't there. I was in a sadness (to coin a famous film...) far far away....

Sometimes the anger is just as strong. I felt it had dissolved since reunion, but out of the blue it rears its head and I can take on anyone, or anything. Such anger, and frustration, because all the things described by Verrier above are the very things that are stopping my son and I from getting a relationship off the ground and yet there is no pivotal point from which to work, to point back to and say that is what happened, that is what affected you, other than the loss as a baby that has no specific memory, just vague 'feelings'.

He can remember being petrified, now knowing that he must have been calling for me and I didn't come back. That screws me to the wall worse than any mugger or attack on my person, because the person attacking me is myself. My son's inability to move on causes me to self destruct in this way, whilst in another post, i write how I feel is almost pushing the self abort button. Could reunion actually make the situation worse? Is it possible that it was best not to reunite? Is facing this kind of pain ... is it achievable?

There is talk of altered perceptions that lead to an adoptee not recognising the effect their behaviour has on others. This has got to be the most frustrating part of reunion for me. My son casually mentioning that he is back on drugs, then ending up in hospital and describing each experience as one would if they'd had a brief trip to the local Starbucks for breakfast. Yeh, right. I'm in meltdown, it cripples me emotionally. He's dealt with it and moved on. He doesn't seem to have any perception as to just how much we are all hurting by his behaviour, he only seems to recognise the hurt in himself. He feels his amom is like a bulletproof vest. If she has hidden her feelings and not let him see that he 'got to her' then she has done him no favours, at it adds to his perception that he is not worthy, so therefore has no impact on others. What he does or say 'doesn't count'. That could not be further from the truth, but its how he sees his situation. How on earth does one get an adoptee to move on from this? If there is distorted perceptions, how does one 'un distort' them? I sincerely hope that moving through this book bit by bit, that I will be able to fathom it out (but my brain is telling me for the minute, it has to come from him, HE has to make the decision to face what he is doing, to face the pain.. ouch, I feel it so much, its as if we are connected neurologically. I woke up the other night actually feeling his pain and emailed him to ask if he was ok..).

Thats as much as I can cope with for now. not feeling any forward momentum in reunion at the moment. Perhaps an outsider would consider it going very well, but I am losing .. hope and ... need some encouragement. Perhaps when I next post I will have received some....because for now, it feels like stalemate.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Hi Janny,
This is one reason I do not post much because school gets busy and I do not have time to respond.

"With regards to my son - he said that he remembers my voice and being held, but also describes being a baby more as feeling 'weightless' - is that anything like you felt? I wonder if others out there feel the feelings he and you describe?"
No, I haven't felt anything like that, I really don't remember anything. I just know I have feelings that come out of no where and I don't understand them.

think the description of feeling a non existence was described in 'The Primal Wound'. Is it possible that the abuse just exacerbated that feeling? Did your amom know about the abuse? If she did, I find it hard to comprehend why she could not understand that any reactions that came from then on would have put you in survival mode and that you would not be able to act normally around people.
I am sure the abouse just increased the severity of the feeling and yes my amom knew about it, she was the one who told me it happened when I was a teenager because we were having a talk trying to figure out why I avoided touch. My amom does understand that parenting an adopted child is different from parenting a biological child and doesn't think that it should be. She does not believe adoption has really effected me at all.

May I ask, is your bmom a huggy touchy person?
I have no idea she may be, she may not be. My amom is which drives me insane, she yells at me when I just get to a point where I refuse to make contact (it happens on occasion) but she doesn't understand I try my best though. With my bmom funny thing is the one thing I really want to do is give her a hug (mostly out of character for me) I told her I am not a touch person just incase when I meet her it doesn't last, but I have come a lot further with my touch issue since I have been a little kid, I don't run, scream, and cry anymore. lol

If this is the start of the real you starting to appear in the past 2 days Staci, then that is just great, that is a big step forward!!
It just didn't just happen in to days, that comment just confimed my strides in allowing myself to be the true me. If my parents don't like it, well as they have come to see they have to get over it because I can't be compliant and unreal anymore, its frustrating and there is no reason for it.

From 2-13-08

No reasons need to be given over and over, just maybe the once and later, an acknowledgement of the pain that adoption has brought my son was all that he needed I feel, looking back, to trigger off the start of his healing.
Can you talk to my bmom about this, I seriously think that she thinks I am just crazy. It hurt me too, I was involved in the adoption process. I just have to give her time I know.

For my son to heal. How long that will take? I have no idea.
Janny from my persective and thinking about myself I don't know if it will ever happen completly. I know I will never be completly healed from this, it still happened I will still have the psychological effects and have to deal with them and manage them its about actually facing them and dealing with them first and establishing what I can do when these things come up. KWIM?

I often wonder how we would fare if he was an adoptee that 'hid' his pain and would not venture forth any opinion or expression of what he has been through.
Bmom does that its a bit frustrating, I don't think she knows that having feelings and sharing them is ok, she has had to keep them bottled up for so long and she does not want to deal with them.

Is facing this kind of pain ... is it achievable?
Yes, but its extremely hard. For me I don't remember anything I just have the "feelings" and I know it comes out in my actions and emotions but how can I face something that is not concrete? Its hard to explain, just know that it is achievable or at least I think so.

Despite my being back in his life, he is still afraid I will leave him. Neurologically, I guess its imprinted in his brain, I left him and I could well do it again. I have to come to terms with the fact this damage to his self esteem, confidence and ability with relationships could take some years to repair, if ever.
I still have that thought everytime I talk to my bmom, everytime I don't hear from her for longer than a week (we talk once a week) everytime she sends me a one word answer text message, everytime she makes another excuse not to come see me, everytime there is a break in the conversation, random times during the day. I think I covered all the arenas. I can't shake the feeling, I don't understand the perpetual feeling that she is going to leave me though she repeatedly tells me she's not, that she loves me. Don't believe her, in my heart of hearts I don't, she gave me up and she still loved me then why is now different. She even has her own llife now, and I was never there before, she managed without me, can she manage with me? There are so many thoughts that go along with that.

Now for my encouragement, yeah I know it took me awhile. Reunion is a roller coaster, rollercosters do not only go foward, they go up and down, backwards and through loops. This is just on of the loops, it will get better, whether he comes back or not because I do not want to give you any false hope, you will either work through it with him or without him. I am sure you would not perfer the latter but you'll get through it thats what the wonderful people on this site are for and why you are reading books and care about this so much. Keep your head up!

~Staci

[Jannyroo]

i have to admit that I've not been able to make any comments for the past week or so, but my reunion is falling into place now after an excruciating 22 months. My journal shows the agony, but after today, also the ecstasy.

I can't put into words how reading this book that I'm attempting to review through its pages is helping me. There have been so many 'strokes' I've been able to apply to ease the reunion congestion that can bring it to a screaming halt and I'm actually winning. Today is a special day - Wednesday 20th February 2008 and I couldn't do better than what I wrote on my journal, so if anyone is interested, this is fireworks and champagne day! A second breakthrough in the 22 months of an excruciating reunion.

Yee ha!! Breakthrough!! Am I ecstatic! YES!
Jannyroo's Journal - a birthmothers thoughts - Adoption Journal, Story, Experience, Blog

How well is it going? Well I sent a bouquet of flowers to my sons mother today. We are all doing well together and I can't emphasise enough, this book gave me so much insight (and still does) as to how to make the right moves to get the right results.

Will try and bring up some discussion points soon. Hugs to all those in tough reunions and congratulations and thanks for the encouragement for all those that are in 'less tough' ones. I hope you know what I mean. We all hold out for them... Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

my reunion is falling into place now after an excruciating 22 months.

Well its a month now since I was last on the forums and I guess that means things are falling into place and they are. I haven't picked up a book to read about adoption, I haven't felt obsessive, I haven't felt worried... everything has fallen into place. The roller coaster has finally drawn into bay and stopped. Thank goodness for that!

My son phones and sounds comfortable. He is happy to contact his grandpa and I'm happy leaving them to it. The stress and worry has come to a more comfortable relaxed pace and I'm happy to get on with my life and I'll tell you the secret... someone special has found me and its been quite something for the past two months. Amazing I would call it. Its helped enormously for me to 'chill' out with my son and let him get on with finding himself, c'ause frankly, I'm finding MYSELF and its quite nice I can tell you.

Soooo many years with empty heart and a gnawing loneliness. Now I have a healed heart with my son back and the gnawing something, je ne sais quoi, has arrived, its my soul mate. He is brilliant and within two months, the depth of our friendship is unbelievable... so special... I never thought I'd find myself talking like this, after all, I've been downing myself for so many years, but so many have told me how great I've been in dealing with my son, that some healthy response came of it, along with reading Coming Home to Self.

I guess I've attracted the kind of guy I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. Hmm. I can't believe I just wrote that.

Now, everything is a journey of exploration. I know it sounds as if I'm being ...??? hard??? but I'm really not that bothered like I used to be as to whether my son phones me or not, I have someone who is showing caring to me on a level I"ve never had. Its helped release me, and release me from the tight grip reunion had on me that made each day all pervasive in my thoughts. Now there is a freedom, and I'm happy to let my son find himself, because I'm busy finding me and the happiness that I thought would always elude me. S'nice.

So, is romance a great help in reunion? Yeh! My guy is a great poet and musician and he is ... deep. I've been told that I am. I've been friends with ... x friend and she tells me that I'm deep. I've only known her for 15 years and she only just gets round to telling me I'm deep. So my guy and I are instant soul mates. I've even written my first piece of music for him. Yeh, he liked it, which is quite a compliment, because he cuts his first album next month. Yooooooooooooooooooooooo. Who's a lucky girl? I am!!! Sorry to splurge all this on the forums, but I'm like a giggly girl in the first flush of love. and I'm getting to like that feeling.

Rock on everyone, hope your reunions are lightening up a little. Mine has and its about time if you don't mind me saying!!! Love & Hugs y'all!!!

Love Janny

[Jackiejdajda]

Oh Janny.. what a wonderful post to read..

And I agree with your friend.. you are an amazing woman.. And I bet your sharing on this forum is going to help others through the difficult times of reunion..
We are all not alone any more..

I thank the moderators of this place.. for keeping it safe..

Jackie

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Oh Janny.. what a wonderful post to read..

And I agree with your friend.. you are an amazing woman.. And I bet your sharing on this forum is going to help others through the difficult times of reunion..
We are all not alone any more..

I thank the moderators of this place.. for keeping it safe..

Jackie

thanks Jackie, yeh, its been a really tough nut to crack, my reunion, but son is settling down a treat. Things are good with his family, I've now spoken to his brother on the phone and he sounds cool and happy to talk to me. I get on well with son's mom we are both strong allies for each other and maybe, just maybe, I may get to have Sunday lunch with them!! but perhaps no time soon. It really boils down to what our son is ready for and he isn't emotionally ready for such a meeting, although (!) he is talking very enthusiastically about his Grandpa coming over from Canada and we ALL 3 of us meet up together. Now that sounds like three volcanic eruptions at once! LOL!! that would be quite something, three very strong personalities all with their own opinions of how things should be......

I chuckle in my heart, but at the same time am thrilled that my estranged father is now willing to come back to England (something he said he never would do) - to meet his daughter and his grandson. Life has a neat habit of putting things your way that you never ever thought would happen. Oh joy!

.. and I agree with you, big thanks to the moderators of these forums- the best in the world! it truly has been a great and safe place for me during my 2 year reunion which comes up next month, April. Two whole years!!! yahoo!!!! More thoughts in my journal today, but in the meantime, thanks for your love and enthusiasm Jackie!!!

love Janny x x

[Jackiejdajda]

Any time..

Jackie