[Passingthrough5]

I really would like to get some feedback here from some birhtmom's that have open adoption's. Please I would like positive results. I am a birthmom, and I alos was adopted and my husband and I have 5 children the two youngest adopted. Our youngest is only 7 months old. I'm at a loss with birthmom. Now she wants to be called mommy and is talking about the baby coming to stay with her and kinda of traveling back and forth and having two families. I know that she's tells her family that the baby is staying with her sister, etc. I'm just at a loss.
when we dicussed openness this was not something we agreed too. I also ge tthe feeling that she hasn't excepted the situation.. She wants to talk every other day and for awhile it was every day, until I told her that I'm just not on the phone that much. She understood. But, when I started to bring up the other subjects that we hadn't agreed to she quickly brought up that she doesn't want to be betrayed by us and that people tell her that adoption don't work etc. etc..

[lyra smith]

WOW,
It sounds like she is very young. Or maybe she does has a different view about adoption. It's likely that she placed the child because she wanted what was best for it. Maybe she needs to be reminded that a child needs stability. I don't think it's wrong to let her visit the child but the way it sounds, She wants to parent the child with you. That seems like an unstable situation. I think maybe she needs to know that inevitably it is going to hurt that child.
Did you guys have any sort of agreements about visitations and contact before she had the baby? Are there any legal agreements you have.
I am in a open adoption and I know that it is very hard to not call all the time or go by and visit. But I had to limmit my self so that I could have the opportunity to heal.
I think she needs to know that you need your space to become a family. It sounds pretty bad if she is telling people that the baby is with her sister.
Open adoption,I think, is very beneficial to all sides of adoption, but we all have to be willing to work at having a healthy relationship with each other. Have you offered to help her pay for therapy or anything like that. She probably is having a very difficult time with greiving.
anyway,
good luck
lyra

[schatz]

Did she recieve pre-placement counseling? Did anyone explain to her what adoption was about? Did she get any advice about telling people where the baby is? What is her support system like?

Unfortunately, you might have to seek out a mediator or some resources for her. She definitely has not accepted the reality of her decision. Draw up some clear boundaries. Maintain contact, but set realistic goals and enlist some help from a counselor or agency. Good luck.

By the way, I'm a bmom in an open adoption, but I was well aware of what I was getting into and the arrangement is going very well.

[Passingthrough5]

The birthmom is 29, and yes she did recieve counseling and hasn't returned for any more,even though it's been offered. And yes I do feel she has a hard time with grief because she still deeply grieves her grandmother that dies 9 years ago. Also her support isn't the best almost like they all don';t realized that this is an adoption!!! Her mother asks when the baby is coming for a visit and buys pictures of little girls for this birhtmom's house it's all very different to me. I know that she really depended on us to get back on her feet and I've encouraged her to get her diploma and continue school etc. etc... But I'm just at a loss as far as the rest of it. She only lives a state away. And I will admit somethimes I just regret thinking I'm going to turn around and see her pull in the drive way. I know that sounds awfull. i don;'t feel insecure in any way I'm just at a loss as to what to think or do.

[bromanchik]

It sounds as if you guys need mediation. Someone to sit down and go over the boundries, etc. Open adoption does not mean co-parenting. It does not sound like she is really facing the loss that open adoption does bring. I have resources for her to read on open adoption. Do not let her guilt trip you into co-parenting if both of you agreed to adoption.
Feel free to call me about the resources that may help your situation.
--
Brenda Romanchik, Director
Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support
721 Hawthorne
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-543-0997
toll-free expectant parent/birthparent line 877-879-0669
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org

[maurajean]

I think the birthmother needs boundaries. I also don't think she is being open in the true sense of the work, like honest. She needs to recognize that it is dishonest to keep the truth from her family, and it is not your problem to deal with. you have a baby to take care of. i think that she is having a hard time fully letting go. And being a birthmother myself, its hard, no matter how much you know its the right thing to do, or the best thing for the circumstances.
good luck, be strong about the boundaries and the well being of the baby and keep your caring heart open