[Betty Lou]

I am a 42 year old adoptee, who also gave a child up for adoption. I am wondering what birth mothers want out of open adoptions? So many post are about promises that are broken. If we as birthmothers struggle with the decision to give our child to people that they will call mommy and daddy, why must you have so much contact with them? I guess I am from the old school. When I gave my child up to here new parents I never thought about being involved with their lives. Yes I wondered all of those 25 years if she was ok, but I stood by my choice and went on with my life. No I am not cold and uncaring, but I think it makes things harder on all involved. This is not a post against open adoption. I was just wondering . Thanks VAL

[dawn renae]

Val,

I gave my daughter to my brother & sil, for the sake of the family name & the fact that I would get to be very involved in her life. Unfortunately her parents don't seem to see it that way any more. As far as my situation goes I chose open/in family adoption b/c I felt it would be unbearable to give my daughter up & not know about her for who knows how long. I had to be able to have some sort of relationship with her. The contact I have with her now is very limited but I know that someday I will be able to face to face tell her our story. Seeing her is like seeing little glimpses of my heart's song in the midst of my heart's brokenness. I don't know if you can understand this or if it helps at all. That's just how I feel.

[JanetM]

Val,
I'm not in an open relationship but I'm in a semi-open relationship with our son and his Aparents. For me, though I know I'll never be his Mommy, receiving pictures and letters assures me that he is okay. I like seeing him grow and I like seeing who he resembles more. For me this is REALLY important and makes the grieving process easier than if I had been cut off permanantly never to know how my son is doing.

[Betty Lou]

Thanks for your replys. I can relate to everything you said. Just to let you know I was reunited with my birthdaughter May 0f 2002. And I know what you mean by wondering who they look like. It was like looking in a mirror with her. We have a great relationship and she thanked me for the choice I made.Good luck to both of you and peace be with you. VAL

[Betty Lou]

Thank you for your beautiful words. When I had my b-daughter, I had them put me to sleep. I new if I had heard or saw her I would not be able to go through with it. When I was able to meet her a-mom, she told me she got to see her when she was 2 hours old. I just bawled. I thought that was the greatest thing and from that moment she was her daughter. No matter what type adoption it is we need to remember the b-moms and the a-moms are the hero's. They both wanted nothing but the best for the child. Thank you for being such a caring a-mom. Val

[mikey]

Open adoption is very hard and there are times that I question the pain that I put myself through at the visits. I have to remember, though, that i placed my son for adoption with the best in mind for him i think that being active in his life is also the best. I hope that my son will feel as though I do love him, and i didn't abanded him. Now that he is older (4) I can see a true bond between us. He nuzzles his head in my chest and hums in delight, he kisses me up and down, he spontainiously tells me that he loves me, eventhough he does not fully understand that i am his mother. Without an open adoption I wouldn't have these moments with my first and only child.

[Birthmomxs2]

Placing my children for adoption to begin with was the hardest and most maturest decisions of my life. It didn't get easier each time, and I know without a doubt that if I had done a closed adoption that I would not be able to live with myself.

Not knowing where they went, who they were, how they were doing, and worst of all... if they were even alive. This may sound harsh, but when the little van dam girl died, I had a friend of my significant others crying her eyes out telling me that that little girl could have been her child. She placed that many years ago, and that little girl was the same age as her daughter. She says anytime that happens she cries asking herself why she made the decisions she made.

At least now I know where my children are, who they live with, how their lives are going. I get to watch them grow up and most of all... I get to be a part of their lives, no matter how big or how small.

Bella

[schatz]

I struggled with the decision about what type of adoption I wanted. I had never heeard of open adoption, and held many of the stereotypes I cringe at today.

I wanted to do the best thing for my daughter. I wasn't sure if having visits and such would be a disruption to the life I was trying to give her.

I did a ton of research and became convinced that a fully open adoption was the best thing for my daughter. There have been many times when I have wanted to walk away, when I have thought that my daughter would be better off without me, but i have hung in there until now.

Someone said it nicely when they said that they didn't want their child to have to wonder. I feel the same way. I believe that by being a normal part of my daughter's life from the beginning, she will not have to struggle so much to find her place in the world. Also, my relationship with her mother will, i hope, keep her from feeling the sense of divided loyalties I have heard so many adoptees describe.

Any doubts I may have had about the merits of open adoption disappeared when I told my students the truth about my decision.

For the past four years, I have worked in a residential program for teenage girls in the foster care system. I was a teacher there. My students saw me throughout my pregnancy. Because of the administration, I didn't tell the kids that i was making an adoption plan for my daughter. After her birth, when I returned to work, i could not keep it a secret any longer.

I expected my students to be angry. The majority of these girls were given up or taken away from their own families. I could not believe how positive their response was. They were far more supportive and understanding than any adult I had spoken to, including members of my own family.

What struck me the most was that whenever I said that my daughter had been adopted, the kids were quick to point out that it was an open adoption as if any other type would have been unacceptable. With no prompting from me, every one of my students said how happy they were that the adoption was open so that my daughter would never have to wonder who I was, or if I loved her, or why I gave her up.

If there was any doubt left about whether or not open adoption was the best choice, it was gone after hearing and seeing the reactions of my students. They are the true experts, and I am grateful to them every day.

[Lewey]

Since I have been coming to these boards I've been very intrigued by open adoption, my son was born in 1981, semi and open adoption were not an option, in fact I don't think I really ever heard about these options until the mid 90's, however I was able to chose private adoption, I chose my sons aparents and over the years I have felt comforted by the fact that I knew who was raising him and when we reunited I knew my choice all those years ago was the right choice, he is healthy and happy and a fine young man, he's had everything I ever wanted for him and more, however if open adoption had been an option back then, I may have thought about it, but when I chose private it was still very new and many in the field of adoption were concern that there would be problems with this method of adoption, I had to fight hard for my choice and I'm glad that I did, it was the right choice and although I missed my son all those years, I don't think I will ever worried about him, I knew he was in safe hands, would I have loved seeing him as he grew, yes, I know I missed so much of his life, but I wonder if I could have handled seeing him with his aparents, I often wonder how these young ladies handle this, I think they are so brave and have so much Love in their hearts, I'm sure it is not easy on them, I admire them greatly.

Lewey