[Lovely]

i'm new to this and have been peeking around. i am adopting my brother's 19 mo old daughter. she was taken by the state for neglect and i have had custody of her for little over a year now. i have been waiting for this adoption to finalize with plans of not bothering with her bparents when it was concluded. they have alot of personal issues (drugs, etc.) and i also don't want to co-parent either. i know you may think i belong in the aparent forum but i really feel i will learn a little more from bparents - on how to deal with bparents. thanks to you all i see the bmom in a different light. (i really don't like her that much.) i also don't plan to cut them off completely. i now realize that there is a way to do this and we all win. most importantly, the baby wins. i welcome your thoughts and advice.

Hi Lovely, we welcome anyone in the adoption triad here, Glad you found us, I would like to say though that just because we can have babies doesnt make us worthy of being a parent. I am glad to hear that you are adopting this precious child, who didnt ask to be neglected ,nor did this child ask to come into this world so god bless you for being there for her.

Now I would like to give my opinion on bmom, remember first though that it is my opinion and what I believe, take what helps and leave the rest! :-) I think all bmoms (even the bad ones) deserve the right to know that their child is alive and healthy, be it through pictures or letters or phone calls, if it is not in the best interest of the child to have visitation then that is your call but in my heart I think she at least deserves to know the child is ok. I am sure alot of people wont see it that way and that is ok, but I believe that "sometimes" we all do things for reasons not everyone may know about, some things unintentional and sometimes just bad choices that in many years to come we will regret and wish we could do differently, So as I said before jsut my opinion and I wish you the best of luck in your adoption journey!

[KaylansFirstMom]

Hello There! I too just joined here. After reading what you would like to embark upon, I have to ask one question. Since this baby is your niece and your brother's daughter, why are you not choosing, instead of adopting this child to help her parents to keep her. In MY opinion, (and of course, this doesn't mean it has to be yours) adoption should be a very last resort and parents should raise their own children if at all humanly possible. Since this child is so close to your already and your are able, whynot help this family stay together?

Based on the fact that this little girl was taken because of neglect, I am not opposed to you caring for her, but WHY was she neglected? Do her parents not have the means to raise her or could they if they had some help, maybe from you?

Just curious, good luck in whatever comes out of this!

Thank You,
Emily
First Mother

[Lovely]

Thanks for the replies! First, I agree that it would be best for the baby to know her parents. My concern is more toward the baby and her development. I feel that I am adopting the baby for the sake of the baby and not simply to help her parents out. (I admit there's definite history and baggage on my part regarding the parents.) But I do agree that they deserve to have pictures and know how she is developing. I am open to them seeing her, if and only if, they can bring something positive to the process.

I also agree that adoption should be the last resort. However, in my case, there are a number of reasons why I am not trying to help them to keep the baby. First, the baby is in the custody of the state and that alone takes that power out of my hands. Secondly, both parents have drug problems. I can and have encouraged them to get and remain in help. I just can't force them to change. They also have made life choices that are pretty negative. The baby wasn't just snatched away from the mother. She was given a couple of opportunities to care of her. The state put the mom in a very good program for single moms that provided parenting classes, urine checks, job training, guaranteed housing after program completion, etc. She refused to follow the guidelines of the program. The director of the program found that she wasn't taking care of the baby (i.e wouldn't bathe her, wasn't washing her clothes, was giving her spoiled milk, etc.).

Furthermore, for both her and my brother, everything that happens to them is always somebody else's fault. When she knew that the state was coming to take the baby, she called me and asked if in the event that the baby was taken from her would I take her. I was clueless about was happening and reassured her that they wouldn't just take her baby away. So really, SHE asked ME to take the baby. At first, I was just the guardian. The state gave her three months to try and get it together on her own. She flat out told them that she didn't need any programs. At that point, they switched the option to adoption. They assumed that I didn't want to adopt her because she was family. If I hadn't stepped in she would have already been adopted by someone else and neither one would know where she is. I am not saying this to toot my own horn. You just don't know the headache and heartache that this whole process has been for me. No one more than me had hoped she would come and take her daughter and raise her well. She's a beautiful child! I have no children (by choice) and was enjoying life (and still am).

Don't get me wrong. They are not completely terrible people. They just are not willing to take the responsibility for this child. It gets more complicated. The mother has decided to contest the adoption. (We got to court tomorrow.) She now understands that I do not plan to let her come and take the baby whenever she wants. She doesn't necessarily want to raise her. I think that she wants me to adopt both her and the baby. That I cannot do.

I hate to be so long on this note but since you asked....