[belkins]

Hello All-
I am getting ready once again to write a letter to my daughter's adoptive parents, I have written at least 5 letters so far but no response, nothing and certainly no pictures. I need help and advice about the best way to phrase this letter so that I don't spook them but help them understand that I need pictures of my daughter, that I don't want to parent her or be more involved with her I just want to know does she like to read, does she watch Seseame Street and see what she was for Halloween. Is that getting too personal help me out so that I can show the adoptive parents I am not a threat to them.

Sincerely,
Brandy
Lifemother to Amberlie Jeanette aka Amelia Hurt 6-23-99

[schatz]

hi Brandy

I'm sure it must be really frustrating to get no response from the aparents. Ask the questions just like you asked in your post. Write as if you were writing a family member to ask how the kids are doing. It might help to include some validating statements that help them feel secure and blessed by you in their role as parents (ie. "What is her favorite thing to do with mommy?). You can't validate them enough. You may also want to let them know that hearing how your daughter is doing helps you feel better about your loss.

What was your arrangement with them? Is there a facilitator who can contact them?

[1stmom]

If I had a dime for every time a birthmom was asking for help in writing one of these letters..."disappearing adoptive parents" happen so often we need to just create a form letter and get it over with.

Adoptive parents should be ashamed of themselves for putting the first moms of their children in this position: that of having to beg for crumbs (pictures, tidbits of info on our children's lives).

Brandy, nothing you have asked is threatening in the least. Just write it sincerely and politely, like you wrote it to us, and the letter should do fine. Of course it doesn't sound like they are going to be responsive no matter what your letters say or how they are worded. This is so, so typical. (sigh)

Anyway, if you're not already a member of an e-mail support group for birthparents, I'd suggest joining. That way you could do what others do and post your draft letter to the group for input and suggestions, without worrying that just anybody could read it like they could if you posted it here.

Good luck,
Heather
bmom to Corey 11/12/98

[JORDANMODE]

Yea ... What was your agreement with the adoptive family ... who handled the adoption ... and attorney or an agency and was it "supposed to be open" I guess I should be grateful for my pictures and update every six months and quit wishing I had more when I hear of those that actually have "visits" I hope things change in your favor though i remain curious as what you were originally told .. my goal is to make a difference in the adoption community and all involved could do so by "keeping their word" I wish you the best

I think you should tell them exactly how you are feeling. Did you have sometime of arrangement for letters or contact when you placed? If you did I would refer back to that. Also, did you place with an agency, if so try contacting them for their input.


1stmom- I wanted to address what you said. I am an amom who is in a different situation. Our youngest daughter's bmom is the one who has blown us off. We kept our end of the deal and at times went above and beyond what we felt was expected of us. I get tired of hearing how she maybe having a hard time etc. She said she was going to do certain things and did not. It is frustrating for us she is missing out on a wonderful experience and seeing this gorgeous child blossom! Point blank she is immature and selfish. We are not the only apaernts who deal with this. A lot of our friends are in the same situation of having to locate and do all the work to keep any form of a relationship going. Don't knock the aparents. There are a lot of us who are very concerned about our childrens relationship with their birthfamily.

[1stmom]

Bailey, I hear you. I know that it sometimes goes the other way. I' ve seen adoptive moms cry over their children being blown off by birthparents, and my heart broke for them. So believe me I am just as down on birthparents who promise contact and then screw it up as I am on adoptive parents who do the same.

It's just that it happens with a lot more frequency from the adoptive parent side--I guess because adoptive parents are more likely to get fearful and possessive, and also simply because they can--the legal weight is on their side if they wish to cut things off. And then you have the kind of adoptive parents who, instead of seeing the loss it is for their child, are only too happy and relieved when birthparents do the disappearing act!

From the hundreds of triad relationships I've seen, I really believe that as a WELCOMING, non-threatened open adoption parent, you are in a minority--a TERRIFIC, child-centered minority, but still a minority. I wish there were more like you. And I am sorry for yours and your child's loss caused by the birthmother. I hope she learns her mistake soon.

Heather
bmom to Corey 11/12/98