[jrae2]

I am a bmom who placed my son at birth almost 4 years ago. And it all made alot more sense to me back then. I have gone through some of the grieving "process" without really knowing or understanding, I just look back at the last few years and feel as if I have been underwater.
2 years ago I got pregnant again. The father and I had an ongoing relationship and sincerely wanted to stay together and have a family someday, it just happened a little sooner than anticipated. And what a year it has been!
Alot of it was very painful. Having another child brought alot of emotions to the surface that I was unaware I really felt. Alot of guilt and shame. I felt that if I had been unworthy of raising and enjoying the first child, I ought not to be able to do it for the second. I really wrestled with my self doubt and insecurities, and fears for a long time.
I know I did the best I could at the time for the first child. I just wonder how other bmoms deal with this same issue. Sometimes I have such a sadness inside that I can't bear it. But I also have so much love, for both of them. And thank God every day for both of them.

[Skye Hardwick]

Hello,

My daughter, Emily, will be turning four years old in six weeks, and my son, Isaiah, will be turning two in two weeks.

I know what it is like to see "Birthmother double vision" ...which is, on one side, you see the child your raising, for example, taking his first steps ...but on the other side, in the same moment, you find yourself wondering about your first-born's first steps? It is almost as if your "kept" child's milestones are shadowed by the ones you missed with your placed child.

I wrote two articles on the subject, if you are interested.

Living Through the Impact: Choices
http://adopting.org/impact.php

Replacing Emily
http://adopting.org/replacingemily.php

Feel free to email me if you wish to ever talk privately.

Lifemother@earthlink.net

Take care,

Skye

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hi,
I went through that backwards, I placed my second child for adoption and am parenting my fist..she is five. So its hard because while you are feeling guilty about your first baby, I was well aware of what I was and still am missing. But you have to remember that you placed your child because of the cirrcumstances that existed at the time of birth. No matter how much you change, you can never change what those reasons were at that time. If you have faith that you made the right decission at the time, and that your child is with a good family, it should help you get passed the guilt. There is no reason to feel guilty for giving your child the life that you couldnt at that time. And there is also no reason to feel guilty that you are able to give the child that you ARE parenting what he or she needs. As far as anyone is concerned, you made sure that your child was taken care of and loved. That is what a mother does. Love your children the best that you can, and trust your judgement....you cant change the past...