[melalex]

My situation is different from what I've read here so far. My son's been in a foster home since birth(now 22 months old) due to a DCF situation. Although I've done everything I've been asked to do for him to be returned to me, I'm considering agreeing to open adoption w/the foster family he's been with.I see him often & have good relationship w/him but also have other complicated things going on in my life & know these are good people willing to keep him & am thinking it's possibly best for him to stay w/this family who he's grown very attached to. I just don't know what I should do. I feel I need to seriously consider this, but at the same time feel I won't be able to bring myself to do it. I feel like I would be giving up on him, giving up on being his mother. Anyone else in a similar situation where there's already a bond & relationship w/ their child?

[sunshinemomma]

{{{melalex}}]

I am an aMom that has adopted from foster care. That is a tough situation. On one hand I really respect the fact that you know that your son is attached to the foster family and that there may possibly have repercussions on him if moved. He will always suffer the loss he already has had of you and if moved he will also suffer the loss of the foster family.

I think the main question to ask yourself is are you ready and able to parent him? If you honestly feel that you are able to commit to parenting him then I wouldn't sign away your rights. If you honestly do not feel that you are able to make the commitment to parenting 100% then an open adoption can be the next best thing. He does deserve a permanent family and it is a gift to him for you to recognize that, whether it is with you or with the family he has been with.

I honestly wish that my daughters birth parents would have been strong enough to recognize that they just were not ready to parent and made an adoption plan for her. Instead she spent the first 6 years of her life in and out of the system. The first and best choice would have been for them to be able to manage. But as they were not ready/able it would have been far kinder and less emotionally damaging to let her find her family much sooner.

Only you can answer the question and if you can't parent it truly is a gift to your child to let him have the stability he deserves. Is the foster family wanting to adopt him and are they willing to sign an openness agreement with you? Good luck with your decision. I hope that you are able to come to some peace with it.

[melalex]

Yes, the foster parents are willing to have an open adoption. I am actually waiting now on an answer from them as to exactly what they will agree to about how often I will be allowed to visit & think this will help me make my decision. I feel it will be very difficult to do if I can not visit often enough to continue the bond & good relationship I already have with him. I've had open communication with the foster mother throughout the 2 years he has been in her home so I do already at least feel that she will never try to cut me out of his life & I'm hoping she will agree to be quite open with the adoption. Hopefully I'll receive an answer soon & it will help my decision. It will be very hard if I do this, but I am thinking of my son, not only myself. Thanks for your advice.

[sunshinemomma]

What do you want as far as openness?

I think the biggest advice any one would give you is make sure you have a signed agreement.

[legal]

If you have done everything you are supposed to as a parent, then I would not sign your child away. He has a bond with YOU too, you carried him. Don't let anyone devalue YOUR bond with him. You should feel proud of all the hoops you have jumped through and you clearly love him. I pray you soon have your child back at home. There is no excuse for the social workers to not return him if you have done everything as you say. He needs him Mommy and his natural family IMO.