[thanksgivingmom]

I've got a dilemma......

This upcoming Saturday I'm scheduled to have a visit with Cupcake. ( )

This Friday, my grandfather is scheduled to have a very long and serious surgery.

We're creating a schedule of who's going to be at the hospital at all times, who's going to stay with my grandmother, who's going to drive her back and forth, do her grocery shopping, etc.

And I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can abandon my family in this time of need. I'm always the rock for my Mom, the person she turns to when she needs it, and I'm not sure I can be there for her.

Because I don't know how I can cancel a visit with Cupacke. I've waited so long for this and yet, I know the entire time I'll be worried about my grandfather. (He'll be in the ICU for several days pending a successful surgery).

Please, someone give me some kind of advice that makes me feel better about anything.....I'm feeling so horribly guilty about the thought of not being there for either of these things and I truly don't know what to do.

[crick]

I hope all goes well with the surgery!

My suggestion is that you take the "errand" slot for Saturday during the visitation time with Cupcake (maybe do the errand before or after the visit). That way you are able to do both.

As for your guilt...we all have that. I will say though that one thing I needed during times like this with my parents was a distraction. I can only focus on the fear, unknown, length of time etc. for so long before I need something to distract me. I can't be there for others if I am immersed in it 24-7, kwim?

So maybe look at your visit with Cupcake as a great way to have your distraction, reminder of life and love, and that afterwards, you'll be in a better frame of mind and energy to be there for your mom and grandma.

((HUGS))

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks Crick - I know you're right about the guilt.....I just HATE not being there (and I just found out I can't take off work Friday to be there during the surgery, so I'm pretty down about that too).

[mom2behappy]

Sorry to hear about grandpa, and glad to hear you have a visit with cupcake....I am sure your family will understand that if you could be there on friday you would without a doubt be there...as for saturday I would work around the visit with Cupcake and still be able to help out with the family and grandpa. i will say a prayer for your family that all goes well with grandpa.

[loveajax]

Tmom, I am so sorry to hear about your gpa...thinking of him and you.

I hope you can work the visit around it, or could you call cupcake's amom to reschedule for another weekend (the next)? I am sure she would understand if you feel too "stretched" to do both? (I don't handle family stress well, but that is me!!)

[JustPeachy]

Is it necessary that you be there right after? I imagine with such a serious surgery, your family will be needing support for some time after Saturday. I'm assuming there are other family members helping with all this, and I'm sure your mom would understand if you could not be there Saturday, or only for a very limited time on Saturday, but be on the "sign-up sheet" for Sunday or during the week or upcoming weekends. I know it will be most intense on the day of his surgery and in the next day when you have your visit, but often there are more than enough people around on these "intense" days and then things tend to taper off when help is still needed days or weeks down the road.

I know as much as you are excited about this visit, it will also be emotional, and you will have that on top of the emotional overwhelm of what is going on with grandpa. You are only one person and can only do so much. If you think you could easily reschedule the visit with Cupcake, that could also be an option, but it may not be easy to do at this point.

Regardless of what you decide to do, my stock advice is: Guilt is a useless emotion. You have enough pressure on you with either of these things alone, don't put yourself on a guilt trip--it really serves no purpose and you are not doing anything wrong to feel guilty about.

Now, IIRC, your family does not know about Cupcake, correct? So they may not understand what on earth could be so pressing that you wouldn't be there on Sat. In that case, you may need to make a very good excuse to explain your absence, but again, DON'T GUILT OUT ABOUT IT!!!

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather, I will be thinking and praying for you and your family.

As far as what you should do, I would sign up for the time before and after your visit with cupcake on Saturday. Or like someone else suggested, sign up for the errand running, so you can do that around your visit, that way you aren't crunched for time with cupcake. If this doesn't seem plausable maybe you should talk to cupcakes Amom about maybe rescheduling, I'm sure she will understand since I'm sure she knows your family does not know about cupcake, and will be able to explain to cupcake what is going on.

Don't feel guilty though, you're only one person, and can be at one place at one time. Don't spread yourself too thin, it isn't healthy.

I hope I helped. Again I'm so sorry about your grandfather and I hope your visit with cupcake goes well!!!!!!!!!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Now, IIRC, your family does not know about Cupcake, correct? So they may not understand what on earth could be so pressing that you wouldn't be there on Sat. In that case, you may need to make a very good excuse to explain your absence, but again, DON'T GUILT OUT ABOUT IT!!!

THAT'S the biggest thing Peachy. If they knew, I think I could go, totally guilt free. Because I think I would have my Mom's blessing AND my grandpas blessing. They would WANT me to see Cupcake when I could! But since they don't know, it becomes, "What in the world could possibly be more important?"

And ordinarily, the answer would be "nothing."

But a visit with Cupcake does register up there on level of importance.

Thanks for all the well wishes everyone - it's helping even just to be reminded how I shouldn't feel guilty.

[Janeytwo]

Dear TG,


I know you love your grandpa - that's certainly obvious from your post. I am hoping all goes well with his surgery.

And I understand that you love your family too. You said you have always been the rock for your mom.

Now....maybe it's time for you to be a rock for yourself.

((( TG ))) You gave up so much of yourself to do what was best for Cupcake. Why deny yourself the chance to be with her when you now can?

You know what? As wrong as this might sound - and I know it does, if it were me, I'd think something up to tell my family for why I must either take the Sunday shift or take the errands on Saturday.

That way I've still done what I could for them - but on my terms and I haven't cheated myself of a chance to be with my daughter.

Your grandpa is in God's hands. You can love and support him and your family without having to break your own heart to do it.

I hope it's okay that I shared my thoughts with you.

And I'll be praying for your grandpa.

Much hugs your way today!

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for your thoughts Janey - they were pretty darned near perfect and what I needed to hear.

[lovemy2boys]

Prayers for your Grandpa, TG...

And rememer - you can't be all things to all people at all times...

[TxMom65]

What a difficult place to be in. I hope you can go to your visit and relax and enjoy it.

[JustPeachy]

"What in the world could possibly be more important?"

TGM, I don't know how comfortable you are with lying (for me, it's not such a huge issue, especially with something like your situation which cannot be explained), but I would make up an excuse about either having to work Saturday on some unexpected deadline (and with this economy today, you cannot afford to lose your job!), or being *cough* sick *cough* and coming down with a cold, and you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone, especially your grandfather or those who will be around him.

You know if your folks knew about Cupcake, they would want you to be there, so right there is the reason you should go and enjoy your visit. You will still do right by your mom and grandpa, you just won't be there on one particular day and that is OK.

And I forgot to mention in my last post, but I hope your grandpa goes through surgery alright and has a quick recovery.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm so sorry you're having such big competing priorities this weekend!!

Let me just say that by taking the time to visit with Cupcake, you are not abandoning your family. You've got a big family, a few hours to visit with Cupcake will not hurt anyone.

I'd try to resist the urge to "overexplain"...when J pops out with some explanation of where he was when I didn't even ask...let's just say I file it under "so I know that's *not* where you actually were." I'd just not volunteer for the shift or shifts affected by the visit and not offer a big explanation why you can't.

If they press it (I know you have an involved family), you can always conjure up a pressing visit with Roomie or me that can only happen during that time. In fact, we do have a meeting then, don't we?

BTW...we really do need to set one up!! What day is good for you?

Let us know how it goes...I'm sorry you're feeling you have to juggle. Don't overburden yourself. Being with one does not take away from the other...there is room for both.

[thanksgivingmom]

THanks again for the replies....the more I think about things the more I waver back and forth

I told Mom I'd be there Friday after work, Saturday morning, and Sunday. She said that was great, and was totally cool with me being gone Saturday afternoon.

GREAT!

Then I overhear her on the phone talking to someone about the surgery and how the actual surgery isn't the "high risk" part, it's the days after.

And all I can think of are the "what ifs." Yes, I'll have my cell phone just in case, but what if something happens and I can't make it there in time? Where we usually visit is over an hour away from where he'll be having surgery....

And yes, my family is "involved" (great word H!) but it's more than that.....I lived seven blocks from Pops my entire life. I had working parents and was at my grandparents house every morning for years and years. We vacationed together, went to sporting events together, and are a REALLY close family. My grandparents played a HUGE part in raising me (though my Mom would probably die if she heard me say that!).

So it's not just FOR my parents that I feel I need to be there.....I just can't stop thinking that I wouldn't forgive myself if *god forbid* something went wrong and I wasn't there....

I still don't know.....I'll email Dee either way today. At least let her know what's going on.....confirm the visit or something.

Thanks again everyone.