[s00nerfanatic]

i'm pregnant and placing soon. i recently found out that the a-parents are leaving the state and going to california after i give birth. knowing that, i know i won't have much time with my "daughter" after she is born. the a-mom doesn't think i should hold my "daughter" until the next day after she is born. i don't want to hurt her or make her fear that i'm backing out, but i would like time with my "daughter". i've also thought about taking the baby home over night before i hand her off just so i can say goodbye without the pressures of the a-family. am i being selfish?

[EZ2Luv]

Please hold YOUR baby as much as you want and as soon as you want. You have to be able to say hello before you can say goodbye. Please remember that this is very much YOUR daughter. I am sorry that the aparents are having insecurity issues but this not your problem, it is theirs. You do not OWE anyone your baby. The aparents should know better than to place an unreasonable expectation on you. Even if you decided to parent, it just means that your babies was not meant to be their. I do not know what type of adoption you are planning. Open, semi open, ect, but my concern is if they are acting this way now, how is going to be later. I urge you to rethink this and possible talk to someone at the agency. Please be sure that everything in the adoption agreement is spelled out and agreed upon and enforced.

To me this would be a red flag of how things will be in the future. Don't forget you are going to be bound with these people as long as they are your daughters parents, so make sure everything is spelled out.

EZ

[abensonslaton]

I really believe you need to do what you need to do. Being an a-parnet this was the hardest part of the adoption process. Just because you are so close to your "dream" yet so far. Sometimes it is hard to lose control and we have no control in the situation. It's scary because you are dying wondering what is happening. Just do what you have to do I would have understood but been nervous and scared and yes freaked out but understanding and empathic. Just tell them why you want the time just like you have here. Honestly you won't really know how you feel til the baby is born. Good luck and will be sending good thoughts your way.
Angela

[JustPeachy]

Hoo boy, this would be a HUGE red flag for me.

the a-mom doesn't think i should hold my "daughter" until the next day after she is born.

It is NOT the POTENTIAL a-mom's decision to make and I'm frankly appalled that she would voice her opinion to you on this matter in the way she has.

i don't want to hurt her or make her fear that i'm backig out, but i would like time with my "daughter".

You should have as much time with your daughter as you need and not feel worried that you are hurting anyone. If the potential amom has insecurities or worries about you backing out, that is her issue to deal with.

i've also thought about taking the baby home over night before i hand her off just so i can say goodbye without the pressures of the a-family. am i being selfish?

No, you are not being selfish. By all means, please spend this time with your daughter. I placed many years ago when OA was not even an option and I had no contact whatsoever with my son's parents. Against the advice of the nurses who felt it would "only make it worse" if I saw and held my son, I saw and held him at every feeding. I TREASURE this time I had and glad I did it. If I had the option to take him home and spend more time with him, I would have.

Are you working with an agency, or is this a private adoption? Are you having an open adoption or semi-open?? If the potential amom is wanting to deny you time with your baby, I would be very concerned that her insecurities would be so great that any agreement made regarding semi or OA would not be honored.

Frankly, I'm really just so appalled at reading your post! And if it were me, I don't know if I could comfortably place my child with someone who would dictate that I not spend time with my baby right away. And I'm also worried for you. If you do hold your baby and/or take her home for a day or two, and decide to change your mind, please understand that you have every right to do so. I would hate to see you make a decision to relinquish your child because you "felt sorry for" the aparents if you genuinely have a change of heart.

[spitzlvr]

I don't post a lot anymore, but I just had to give you my opinion on your question. Please hold your daughter (not "daughter", but DAUGHTER) as much as you want. I understand the a-mom's fears, however she has no right to dictate to you what you should do with your daughter.
Spend all the time you can. Take pictures. Take her home. Then decide her future.
You need to be with your daughter. Please

[taramayrn]

Nothing to add except I agree 100% with Peach's post.

[lovemy2boys]

I'm in total agreement with Peachy.

As an adoptive mom, it was reinforced repeatedly that we were NOT the babies parents until TPR was signed. Even without this instruction, I wouldn't have had the audacity to tell ANYONE when they should or shouldn't hold their child.

In fact, both our kids' firstmoms wanted us to be at the hospital initially...and both changed their minds for various reasons (one was because she had the baby in the ambulance - one simply wanted to be with her family and her baby without us being there...)

Was I upset? I was a disappointed at first, but my DH, ever the reasonable man, looks at it differently... In his mind, this was THEIR time together...We'd have a lifetime of memories with the baby...Not being there for the birth wasn't going to change that for us.

FWIW, Our youngest son was born on a Friday...he was ready to be released on a Saturday. His firstmom had complications, and had to stay in the hospital until Monday. The hospital asked if she preferred that he be released before her. She said no. He stayed with her in her room until the day she was released. She did EVERYTHING for him. Changed him, fed him, rocked him, etc. This was her time to be with him. This was her right as a mother.

Was it easy for us? Not particularly. But then again, nothing about this journey is easy. We knew what we were getting into when we started it, and I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Do what is right for you.

Good luck!

[thanksgivingmom]

Like Tara, I agree 100% with Peachy.

This is YOUR daughter and you should spend as much time with her as you like. If that means one night at home with you, a week home with you, whatever - that is YOUR RIGHT to decide. And NO ONE should be pressuring you otherwise.

[JustCourtney]

You are not being selfish. This is your baby, and you get to call the shots. Period.

My husband and I were at the hospital when our son was born, but we stepped out when he was close to being born to give his first mom some privacy. We waited for hours, and when a nurse finally came out and told us that everyone was okay, but R needed some time with the baby, we understood. Were we anxious to see them both? Was it nerve wracking? You bet! But it was not our place to demand ANYTHING! I was glad that R had 2 days in the hospital with Nate in her room - feeding, holding, changing him. We were there each day to help out, but I made sure that she had lots of time alone with him. I did so for purely selfish reasons, too - I wanted to know that she had time, and was sure about her decision! I didn't want to have to wonder and worry! I know our agency was very clear with us that even after we took Nate home, that we were to consider ourselves just babysitting until TPR - and that she could take as much time as she needed. They even discouraged us from telling anyone, and not to have anybody come over or meet him, because he was not our baby yet.

I do hope you have an attorney, social worker, or agency representative of some sort that you can speak to about your concerns. The fact that you are already feeling pressure is worrisome to me. I encourage you to talk to the potential adoptive parents and try to come to an understanding. If they are not receptive or insensitive to your concerns, maybe they are not the right fit.

Best of luck

[sammyhas3]

As a birthmom......... I think you should have fears of what is too come I am in reunion with my daughter I gave up 28 years ago they told me dont hold her dont look at her it will be to hard .......... A few years into reunion daughters stepmom showed me photos of her when she was born ...... the one that sticks out the most was amom sitting in a hospital room in a gown sitting on a hospital bed holding daughter like she just had her ........ amom wanted to hold her in the hospital so she looked like She had just given birth ........ when I saw that photo I was so sick .... I should have never listented to those people DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS right ..... I hope you take this baby girl home and Feel its right for her to stay with you .......

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by s00nerfanatic

i'm pregnant and placing soon. i recently found out that the a-parents are leaving the state and going to california after i give birth. knowing that, i know i won't have much time with my "daughter" after she is born. the a-mom doesn't think i should hold my "daughter" until the next day after she is born. i don't want to hurt her or make her fear that i'm backing out, but i would like time with my "daughter". i've also thought about taking the baby home over night before i hand her off just so i can say goodbye without the pressures of the a-family. am i being selfish?

You are not being selfish at all. This is the birth of YOUR child. You are the one giving birth. No one has or should feel like they have a say in how the birth of your child happens. The potential adoptive parents really should have nothing to do with any of it unless you say so. This child is not their child until you make the decision on who will parent your child after your child is born.

IMO it is quite presumptuous and oversteps many, many boundaries for the paparent(s) to be telling you when you should or shouldn't hold YOUR daughter. This should be about you, not her. If she backs out because of that, or because she feels things have to happen her way, then maybe she isn't the right potential mother for your child.

You have every right to take as much time as you need in the hospital and I believe that if you desire to, you should take your child home with you to be certain that you are making the right decision. How the birth of your child, when you hold your child and for how long, whether or not you even what the potential adoption family at the hospital... all of that is upto you, what works for you and your daughter, and how you want this to go.

[thanksgivingmom]

Oh!

And if you want to breastfeed your child - PLEASE DO!

Since you have been asked/encouraged to not hold her, I imagine this may be another thing you were "advised" on. I hope you weren't - as breast milk (especially the colostrum in the beginning) is so good for the baby. If you made a "decision" about not breastfeeding, know that you CAN change your mind.

[browneyes0707]

All sorts of red flags for me. I had the opportunity to spend some time with my DD, hold her, whisper to her, and it's something that I hold so close. NO ONE should tell you what to do or how you feel. If the a-mom is worried that you holding the baby is going to change your mind, that's a problem. You should not be expected to compromise your wants to accomodate someone elses fears. I'd be afraid it would set the tone for the entire relationship.

Out of curiousity, are you going into a form of OA? I'd be very concerned how that would play out, if she can't trust you to hold your daughter and be confident enough to let whatever is meant to happen happen, I wonder how much trust she'll have in this realtionship period. And trust is one of the most important things in a successful OA.

JMO

[zxczxcasdasd]

I hope that you bring an advocate with you to the hospital, to enforce YOUR pre-determined boundaries when you are exhausted and emotional. No one else gets to make decisions about you and your time with your child: no prospective adoptive parent, no nurse, no lawyer, etc. You decide who sees or holds your child and when- no one else. There is no ticking clock, no timeline, no limits on your time with her or your decision. There are time minimums for you to decide to place, but there are no maximums. You get all the time and privacy you want, including taking her home. You will be mother and child and no one else will have any standing to decide anything unless or until you decide that you wish to terminate your own parental rights and hand her over to someone else. Until you are ready for that to happen, everyone else is bystanders and you are mother and child, the same as any other mother and child in the hospital or at home, no matter what has been said or thought or hoped or planned beforehand.

I, with the others, question whether this is a good match based on the many red flags brought up earlier. You may not be able to change your mind after you sign TPR, depending on your state, so you get ALL the time you want, however you want it, before deciding to sign, if that's what you decide after you have spent some time with your daughter.

Please consider my suggestion of having an advocate with you at the hospital.

[devildogwife]

You are not being selfish. That is your child. Do whatever you need to do, hold, feed, take all the time you need!

I'm an amom, and some of my favorite pictures are the one's of my son's birth mom holding him right after he was born. It brings tears to my eyes.