[zxczxcasdasd]

Also, if you wish to place with an in-state family, you can change your mind about matching with this couple, given their announcement that they are moving to CA immediately, which sounds like it was a surprise to you, rather than something that was disclosed before you chose them. Perhaps they just made this decision or had a change of plans, but since after placing, you will have no say in where they live or why, such immediate plans to move so far away is something that you should carefully consider in whether you wish to continue dealing with this particular couple. It's certainly your right to back out of this match and choose a family who plans to live in their current city/state for the longterm, if that is important to you. Of course, this is all only pertinent if you decide to continue with your plans to place your daughter, after welcoming her into the world and spending some time with her.

[Saya]

I say this as a mom through adoption - SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AS YOU NEED. I feel for the potential adoptive mom, I really do. But right now the only person who should make the decision about how much time you are going to spend with your baby - an hour, a week, a lifetime - is you. Please don't let anyone pressure you - take whatever time you and your beautiful baby need.

[Gwen72]

I placed a son for adoption in 1991 and I adopted a son in 2008. As a birthmom and adoptive mom I have red flags going off over this woman telling you that you should not see or hold your daughter until the next day. When I placed my son, the doctor and nurses would not let me see my baby because they said it would make it too hard for me to do the right thing. I was a teenager and didn't know any better. It haunts me to this day. When I adopted my son, the social worker and nurses told me his birthmom did not want to see him or hold him. I didn't know if she had been given the same bad advice as me or that was just her way of dealing with things. I had the hospital social worker, the agency social worker and the lawyer all talk to her and try to convince her to spend time with her son before she signed TPR. I offered to have the agency social worker take the baby to the birthmom after he was released so she could see him on her own turf. I worked really hard to make sure she had every opportunity to have time with him. She refused all my offers. This prospective adoptive mom wo is trying to dictate to you when you can see your baby is freaking me out. You should spend as much time with your child as you choose. Feed her, bathe her, breast feed her, whatever you want to do. She is your child until you sign the TPR. Don't let any nurse or any hopeful adoptive mom push you around. Please think long and hard if this is the woman you want raising your daughter. I wish you the best of luck on this difficult journey.

[portlowski]

I just want to be another voice in the chorus saying that you have every right to do what you want with your daughter when she is born including choosing to parent her if you have a change of heart. It does not matter that they have traveled. It does not matter that they have planned. You should do whatever you want and need to do for your child.

I am an adoptive mom. Yes, our journey can be very hard and we often feel a total lack of control during the process. But this none of this is your responsibility. Don't allow yourself to be guilt-tripped. Just put the needs of your child first and that will lead you to the right path.

Blessings to you and your daughter on your journey.

[lahdh4]

Nothing else to add but second what every other person has told you here.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there!

You've gotten some very wise advice here, especially from "EZ2Luv" "San Diego" and "Peachy".

I'll rarely say something like this here in this place, but I would have serious resevations about this couple.

If the amom is operating from a place of such fear (which IMO it appears to me she is doing), this sound slike a recipe for heartbreak for you. Perhaps she has been through a lot before this and I sympathise but that's not your problem and you didn't cause it.

"San Diego" is most especially right: you need an advocate with you to ensure this woman treats your rights with respect. Because you should be treated with respect.

Keep us posted,

[bromanchik]

First, ditto to what everyone here has said. You are not being selfish. Your baby needs to be with you as much as you need time with her. Separation of Mother and Baby can be traumatizing for both... it is best to do it as slowly as possible. Take your baby home if you want to. Both of you will never regret it. It is a precious time that need not be given away or shared.


I see a lot of red flags with this a-mom too. Have you discussed post-placement contact? She sounds possessive of your daughternow, I wonder how she will be once she is legally theirs. You are not under any obligation to place with them if you are also seeing red flags.

[s00nerfanatic]

Thanks to everyone for their advice. It really does help to hear what others suggest/think. I told the a-dad through text that I was going to take the baby home with me for a few days after the hospital til I sign my rights away. He told the a-mom this morning and she wasn't happy. I can understand her insecurity over all of this, but I tried explaining that she will get my daughter for a life time and that she shouldn't worry so much about a few days with me. She thinks I am trying to cause problems and whatnot. I just want to spend time with my baby alone. I redid my birthplan (I wasn't going to have much contact at all with the baby after the birth). I put in there that I wanted to be the first to hold her. I also put that I would be breastfeeding. Now I'm scared that when she finds out, she will freak out. She knows that breastfeeding is a bonding thing. I think she thinks that i won't be able to sign my papers if I do that. I have a dr's appointment today. I feel torn on what to do. Not only is the a-mom in the same town, but she is also one of my closest friends (or was). Maybe I should have went with the first a-parents I chose even if they live half way across america.

[lovemy2boys]

s00ner, it does make it more "tricky" that she was one of your closest friends. But you'd think that if she WERE your friend, she'd want what is fair and best for you as well as for herself.

I have to say that to hear that she's accusing you of making trouble is really unsettling to me.

I would think REALLY long and hard about whether or not you feel this is the right family to parent your child. I know you would feel bad to have a change of heart, but if these people are putting this much pressure on you NOW, it honestly doesn't bode well for the future. Truly. If this is how things are now, imagine when she HAS the baby.

I ask that you please PLEASE think about this before it is too late.

If she blows up at you when she finds out what your plans are...that is a REALLY telling sign.

No one here has anything to gain or lose by offering this advice to you. We're not the agency, not the paparents, not family.

Just women and men who have been either in your position, or that of an amom....And this just feels SO wrong.

Like Janey, I'm not one who usually says that a couple is the "wrong" couple...but if I were in your position, I would run and not look back.

Good luck to you. Stay strong. Do what is best for you and your baby.

[sstuart]

Please do not worry about making any decision immediately. Like the others have said, you do not have to decide on anything now. You do not owe anyone your child. She is yours until you decide differently. If you want to be with just her--that is your choice. Do not make a decision because of anyone else's feelings. Do what feels right for you and your daughter. Sounds like the amom won't be in the same town for long if they are moving immediately after the birth. If she was a true friend she would give you this time with your child.

[quantum]

I relinquished during the closed adoption era and was knocked out during the delivery and that was that (until I found him 22 years later...)
I always ache a bit when I read a bit about moms who got to hold their baby, feed their baby, SEE their baby!
It sounds like you NEED to do it. Don't let anyone stand in your way. It is your LEGAL right as well as your heart felt desire.

I wish you all the best!

[lahdh4]

You don't need to place your child with this couple. You still can change your mind and find another couple. If this is how the pap is acting now I really do like how she make act after placement.

*red flags are waving

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm so glad that you followed your heart and changed your birthplan. I think holding your daughter first is something you will cherish forever (I do!) I'm also glad you reconsidered breastfeeding. At the end of the day, if holding your daughter and breastfeeding renders you unable to sign the papers - then you weren't meant to sign them!

If you still are intent on placing, I would rethink this couple as the parents. Like the others, I never really say this, but in this case it just seems crystal clear to me. They're already behaving in a possesive manner and are already discounting your needs and feelings. That's NEVER a good jumping off point for any kind of relationship, let alone one of this magnitude that will be lifelong.

My thoughts are with you!!!

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by s00nerfanatic

Thanks to everyone for their advice. It really does help to hear what others suggest/think. I told the a-dad through text that I was going to take the baby home with me for a few days after the hospital til I sign my rights away. He told the a-mom this morning and she wasn't happy. I can understand her insecurity over all of this, but I tried explaining that she will get my daughter for a life time and that she shouldn't worry so much about a few days with me. She thinks I am trying to cause problems and whatnot. I just want to spend time with my baby alone. I redid my birthplan (I wasn't going to have much contact at all with the baby after the birth). I put in there that I wanted to be the first to hold her. I also put that I would be breastfeeding. Now I'm scared that when she finds out, she will freak out. She knows that breastfeeding is a bonding thing. I think she thinks that i won't be able to sign my papers if I do that. I have a dr's appointment today. I feel torn on what to do. Not only is the a-mom in the same town, but she is also one of my closest friends (or was). Maybe I should have went with the first a-parents I chose even if they live half way across america.

s00nerfanatic, I am simply stunned, I am sitting here, tears of sadness, and speachless. I am going to try not to say something that will HURT other seemingly good parents. Very rarely is it MY opinion, that ADOPTION is in the best interest of a newborn child...VERY RARELY! I cannot agree more with Most every single wise person , whom has stepped up, and given you such sound advice! Friends are very, very rare! Sweetheart...this is NO friend. This may hurt to hear, but please SEE this now. I will simply answer your plight, with a question; "Are these people, really the ones, you are willing to trust YOUR daughter to.... for the rest of HER ENTIRE life?" YOU , have ALL rights to do as you wish...for as long as you wish! After, spending ALL the time..days, weeks, whatever, you would like, then you can honestly say, goodbye, and MEAN it. DO NOT LET ANYONE take that time from you! There ARE many wonderful couples, whom will offer true, love to YOUR daughter, and they will do so happily...and be willing to allow you to be in her life. Make a decision, based on what YOU want! Blessings C.J.

[rahulsey]

I am a birthmother - I can not even believe what I read. It is never to late to back out. take your baby home and find suitable parents. My baby was 8 months... please. i can see my child anytime I want I can talk to her anytime I want. You should be able to do the same

NOT HOLD YOUR BABY FIRST???? what??? its your baby...yours! not hers yours... this baby will always be your first and always will be your baby! they should welcome you into thier arms as family ..... oh my gosh i am so upset for you.

I am here if you need to talk. But please please please hold your baby take him her home for however long you need to .... it never to late ok..... i would serously consider the people you choice - they havent even adopted your baby and they are trying to put HUGE restrictions on you .... can you imagen what they will do or say once it is said and done..... this is your baby... your say.... you decide.... not them on what you get to do....!